Between Fear and Desire
by sCosplayChameleon
Summary: Struggling with his own inner turmoil, Fenris is faced with conflicting emotions regarding the friendly and alluring Hawke. A step inside Fenris's mind as he battles himself and discovers how passionate his feelings are for a certain snarky mage. A dark, yet mostly humorous, romantic journey.
1. Irritating Persistence

**Thanks for checking this out! This is the first fan fic I have ever written; I hope you like it! This starts off where the FenHawke story begins, and I'm excited to further develop their characters and relationship. I am rating this M for violence, sexual humor, and for later parts that are sexy, steamy, and tasteful.**

 **The main thing you need to know: I have dated each section with the number of the month in parentheses followed by the name of the month and finally the day. So, (3) Drakonis 20th, would be equivalent to March 20th.**

* * *

(3) Drakonis 20th

"RRRAARRGGGHHH!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

I slam my gauntleted fist into the mirror hanging near the stairs in the foyer of this mansion I have just claimed for my own. As the glass shatters, a shard lodges itself in my cheek. This almost makes the corners of my mouth turn up; I have always preferred physical pain. Anything that keeps me from my thoughts is pleasant. Alcohol, wounds, ripping hearts out with my hands, it's all the same. Mostly pointless, but often beneficial. Especially when the hearts belong to spineless slavers.

My hands rip the remains of the mirror from the wall and sling it to the ground. It crashes, splitting into pieces with a metallic clang. I don't care at all what the state of this wretched place is. I'll live here to prove a point. This will never be my home. I will patiently await the day that Danarius's blood covers the walls, the day his corpse joins the others to rot in the filth of the floors.

Dashing forward, I lash out, striking a large decorative vase in the corner sharply with a ball of my foot. On impact, it shatters. As the sound of the falling pieces subsides, I am left alone, standing in silence. My thoughts roar to life. I slam my palms over my ears, but I know there is no stopping the noise that comes from within. I fall to my knees, squeezing my head past the point of pain. Gritting my teeth, I try to will the thoughts away.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" The words leave my lips without my permission. _How can I be at war with myself when I am the only soul I can ever trust? Have I not suffered enough at the hands of others that I must now destroy myself? I am stronger than this. Someone who has survived what I have would never give in to foolish thoughts. The past is dead behind me. It can never rule me again. It lies in the dust with the bodies of all those who opposed me. Except for one. His time is coming, no fear there._

I stand to my feet and walk up the stairs to the bed chamber. I cross over to a large burgundy chair beside an unlit fireplace. I remove my gauntlets and chest plate, setting them on the floor beside the chair. _I am just as lethal without them_. _In fact, I'm faster._ As I pick the glass out of my face, I take a seat in the chair. It's uncomfortable, yet far better than I'm accustomed to. I swipe the blood from my cheek with my wrist and move to extract the debris from my feet. My thoughts begin to roam. _Why did that group of misfits help me? What could they possibly hope to gain? I am no one here, I offer no prospect of power or fortune. They wouldn't even know who to sell me to. And their 'leader', Hawke, she's a_ mage _of all disgusting things. They seem to want me to join them, but why? An in your face mage, a busty pirate wench, a dwarf with a crossbow, and a two-handed warrior who was more irritating than the mage – if that's possible. Are they really just so stupid that they're trying to be nice to me?_ I chuckle. _Idiots._ I'd almost go for it if it wasn't for the mage. There is nothing I hate more than mages. They are cruel unnatural creatures. I have never come across one who wasn't either self-absorbed and power hungry, or simply an evil, abusive, abomination. _Me, join them?_ _The idiots will have to find someone else. Amusing offer none-the-less._

With my feet now free of obtrusive substances, I stretch them out in front of me and settle into the chair to sleep. The bed isn't useful to me; I never sleep deep enough or long enough for it to be of service.

* * *

(3) Drakonis 21st

When I awake, it's still dark. I don't bother getting up or trying to go back to sleep. Either endeavor would be fruitless. Instead, I sit listening. The house creeks ever so slightly, a branch gingerly rubs against a window downstairs, a mouse scuffles in the corner beside the bed. My eyes adjust to the dark, and my ears pick up every slight disturbance. I don't wander about aimlessly when there is something this important that needs to be done. There would be no way for me to live here safely if I wasn't accustomed to the sounds and the sights. It is crucial to my safety that I be able to register all usual sounds and distinguish them from those that are amiss. Just the same, I must be prepared to defend my life in the pitch blackness of night without worrying about unfamiliar surroundings. _What is that?_ I listen more intently. _There's someone at the door… If they knock, they better not be too attached to their throats._ A loud banging resounds from the front door. _Oh, for the love of-_ Another loud banging starts up. _That's it!_ I leap to my feet, storm out of the bed chamber, down the stairs, and gently open the door. My eyebrows are knit tightly together in frustration. I leer out the door and spot the source of the disturbance. It's the mage from a few hours ago, Hawke. _What on earth is she doing back here before the sun is up?_ I wonder, my face softening slightly with curiosity. I move to stand in the door frame and stare at her. She just stares back and doesn't say anything. I squint at her slightly. She just continues to stare. _Did she actually have purpose for coming here or did she just want to look at me?_ I don't like it when people stare at me. I move back inside the door frame and begin to close the door.

"No! Wait!" Hawke calls out and jams her foot in between the door and the frame. "I need to talk to you!"

I grunt exasperatedly and reopen the door. "Hawke." I nod for her to continue.

She shuffles her feet for a second. "Well? Aren't you going to invite me in?" She grins at me mischievously.

"No." I tell her, although I want to say, 'stop looking at me like that _._ ' _What a strange woman._

Hawke moves right into the doorway, her face just inches from mine. "I need to talk to you, and it's cold out here. Let me in."

 _Don't you dare touch me mage!_ I glare at her, refusing to back away. Her closeness makes my skin crawl, but I will not give her the satisfaction. "It's cold in here." I say through my teeth.

She steps back a pace and sticks out her lip. "Please? I just helped you, fought for you. Does that mean nothing?"

I tilt my head back for a second. _She has a point. I suppose at the very least I shouldn't make her into an enemy. Doesn't mean I should trust her in the slightest._ I step back and silently open the door, allowing her to enter.

"Thank you!" She gazes around as she makes her way to the center of the foyer. "I see you've really tidied up." She tosses a smirk over her shoulder to where I stand beside the door.

"I do appreciate your help earlier." I keep my face void of expression. "What is it that you want?"

Hawke makes her way over to the stairs and hops up onto the banister to sit. She swings her legs as she talks, "I _want_ to know what your plans are. I assume you'll be staying here. When will you be joining my little group? We're always doing adventurous things, I'd hate for you to miss out."

 _Is she trying to be enticing sitting up there like that? She looks like a child. Maybe that's it. Perhaps she wants me to feel bad for her. Either way, it isn't working. Although, I suppose she's attractive enough, for a mage. Peculiar._ "I'm afraid I can't join you. I do appreciate the offer."

Her legs stop swinging and she leans forward, her hands on her knees, "We can help each other! You would make a ridiculously valuable member of my team, and in return all of us would have your back. You wouldn't hardly have to do anything, and yet you'd be gaining a small army of spitfires willing to kill for you. I don't think you can afford to pass that up."

 _I can't afford to pass that up… UGH! Why does it have to be a mage? I need allies... And misfits are better than nothing…_ "What do you hope to gain from this? You already have a two-handed warrior." I cross my arms and lean my back against the closed door.

Hawke rolls her eyes, "He's my brother, and I hate him. You, are a hot elf. I'd be gaining a lot."

 _Hot? Venhedis._ I unintentionally giggle. _Oh. That did not just happen._ I start fake coughing. _Maybe she didn't hear that…_

Her eyes get huge, and Hawke begins laughing. "Don't get that often?"

My ears start turning red, and I can feel my markings burning in my embarrassment. _This is horrible!_ "I think you should go!" I spit.

"Andraste's tits! You glow?!" Hawke jumps off the banister and covers her mouth with her hands. "That's so sexy!" She starts laughing hysterically.

"GET OUT!" I scream throwing open the door.

Terror flickers across her face for a second, then she runs out the door laughing even harder.

I slam the door shut behind her and sink to the floor. _I'm such an idiot._ I bash the back of my head into the door a few times. _So much for allies. I don't need mages anyway… Not even pretty ones… It's better this way. I've always been alone. I like being alone, it's simple, and there isn't anything to worry about._ I resume listening to the house from where I sit on the floor.

* * *

(3) Drakonis 22nd

Two hours after the sun rises, I begin to feel hungry and hop up off the ground. Light trickles into the house through the windows, the cracks in the walls, and the ceiling. I make my way into the room to the west of me in search of food. There are many crates lying about on the counters. I move towards them and rip the lid off one. It's filled with bottles of wine; the rest of the crates appear to hold the same precious cargo. _My lucky day_. I pull one of the bottles from its constraints and bite into the cork, twisting it loose. I spit the cork out onto the floor and bring the bottle to my lips, taking a long drink. _Excellent. I might come to like it here after all._ Smiling slightly, I set the bottle down and move to rummage through the cabinets. Sadly, I come up empty handed; there is no food to be found. _Well, I suppose the wine is still better than I could have hoped for._ I snatch up the bottle and drink from it as I make my way upstairs. Once in the bed chamber, I abandon my drink, slip on my gauntlets, and fasten on my chest plate. Then I make my way to the front door, pick up my sword from where it rests against the door facing, and step out into Hightown.

The sun glares down on me brightly. I brush the hair away from my face and squint until my eyes become well adjusted. There are many people about today. Noisy children chase each other around the legs of their elders. Women smile as they irritatingly gossip back and forth. Men stride around with their heavy coin pouches, as if they rule the world. One old man leans against a stone gate cursing under his breath. _He has the right idea_. I smirk to myself as I make my way across the market to a booth that sells bread and cheese.

The shop keeper, possibly a woman, it's hard to tell sometimes with humans, grins at me and says, "Fine day it is today!"

I avoid eye contact and quickly take stock of the items for sale.

"Anything I can help ya with?" The 'woman' leans towards me across the booth.

 _Intrusive._ I grab two long loaves of bread and a wheel of cheese. "Just these." I drop a few coins on the counter and stride away. _What a freak. Still, these will last me a while._

As I make my way back across the market, a figure moves instep behind me. I let out an inaudible sigh. _What is it now?_

"Well, well, well." Her breath is on my neck as her words fill my ears.

I stop walking. "Hawke." I say without bothering to turn and look at her.

She makes a sound in her throat, almost like a purr. "Fenris. Did you steal all that?"

My eyebrows tighten together, and I turn around. "In the middle of the day? How stupid…" I trail off. _That was a joke. Ugh. She's playing with me, and I'm making it that much more entertaining._ "What do you want?"

"I want you to drop all of that and come with me." Hawke bats her eyelashes. "You should meet the rest of our team."

 _She's so pushy. I already told her, I'm not joining. I'm finished with her embarrassing me._ "No." I growl and begin making my way back to my house.

She jogs for a second to catch up to me. "Thought you'd say that. I'll just follow you until you're finished with whatever it is you're doing and then we can go. For you, I have all the time in the world." She winks at me.

I snort angrily and keep walking. _Stop flirting with me, mage! I just want to eat, alone, in peace._ When we arrive at my door, I kick it open and refuse to look back at Hawke as she follows me inside and closes the door behind us. I just continue into the room with the crates and set the bread and cheese down on the counter.

"You could have broken your door." Hawke muses. She enters the room and leans against the wall.

"Good." I say still not looking at her. I rip off a chunk of bread and carve out a slice of cheese with a clawed finger of my gauntlet.

Her eyes burn into my back. I can feel her staring at me for several moments of silence. Finally, I look over at her and ask, "What?" I take a bite of bread as I await her answer.

Hawke slightly narrows her eyes but keeps smiling. "You're a very strange elf. I like you, and I'm trying to figure you out."

"Easy. I like to be left alone, and I hate mages. The fact that I appreciate what you did for me aside, can you see why I don't want to talk to you?" I take another bite of my food. _Well, mostly don't want to talk to you. You're kind of interesting._

"Mmmhmm… I see. Well, I'm a good mage. Probably not a good person, but as far as mages go I'm alright. And, I am certainly not evil, so that should count for something. Plus, I've been nothing but nice to you." She moves from the wall to stand next to me at the counter.

"You forgot to mention annoying." I finish off my food to help keep the humor away from my face. _She is annoying. And a mage. I should really hate her. Why do I only dislike her?_

Feigning offence, Hawke covers her face and twists away from me. "How could you say such a thing?! I thought we were friends, and yet you insult me to my face?" She spouts theatrically.

I want to smile, but I chase the notion away. "I hope you don't actually think that." I say blandly. _It isn't like I can ever trust her. There is no reason to fool her into thinking we could be friends. The less she likes me, the better._

Her face falls and she straightens up. She looks so pitiful for just a second.

 _Oh no. What have I done. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. Her dumb mage feelings. She was supposed to get mad and leave, not be sad and look at me like that. I_ hate _seeing people in distress._ I shuffle my feet for a moment before saying, "I didn't mean it like that. I suppose I could go with you."

Hawke's face lights up and she grins at me. "Really?" She asks excitedly.

At that moment, I actually notice her beauty. Her blue eyes sparkle even in the dim light. The way her dark hair is pulled back allowing a few strands fall to each side of her face reveals the rosiness of her cheeks against her ivory skin. Most captivating of all, however, is her smile. She smiles at me as if I am someone worthy of such a thing, as if there is no one in the world she would rather be looking at. No one has ever looked at me like that before. I've known only faces twisted with malice and those of mild interest. Hawke smiles at me as if I matter, and I have never seen anything more beautiful.

Against my better judgment, I allow myself to give a small smile back to her. "Really."


	2. Worst Impressions

**Hope you enjoy this chapter! It is very drama and banter heavy (banter is my new favorite thing to write).**

* * *

(3) Drakonis 22nd

"Hawke, where are we going?" I look around disgustedly at our Lowtown surroundings, the same way I look at most things.

She looks back at me coyly as we walk, "Didn't I mention that I work best drunk?"

"Perhaps it slipped your mind." I reply with some humor. _What am I getting myself into? Maker's breath, she's persuasive._

As we reach the bottom of a flight of stairs, she exclaims "There it is!"

Excitedly, she grabs my hand and starts to pull me behind her. I snatch my hand away and stop dead in my tracks. "Stop that!" I snarl. _How dare she touch me with those spell casting hands?! My skin is my own, at last; no one has permission to touch it._

"Huh?" She whirls around with a terribly confused look on her face.

I glare at her. "You touched me. Why?" _I am fully capable of getting where we're going without being dragged along like a dog. Must she think so little of me?_

Her brow scrunches up and she frowns. "I wanted us to hurry up and get there. My friends are waiting inside, and I'm dying for them to really meet you." She puts her hands on her hips and leans into her left leg. "You don't have to get so upset about it. I wasn't trying to invade your personal space or anything." Her tone softens, "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

 _She's apologizing to me. I may have reacted too harshly. This is all so strange._ "I see. Do you make a habit of dragging your friends around?"

"Yes. I drag, I hug, I poke, I high-five, and all other manners of physical contact. Plenty of which are annoying." She smiles.

 _Of course she does…_ "I don't." I tell her plainly.

"You don't touch people at all? I take it you don't like it?" Hawke looks both shocked and skeptical.

"No. I don't like it." My expression remains flat. _So many questions. This would be a wonderful time to be ambushed by thieves. I would much prefer a slaughter._

Her eyes grow wide. "Like never? Not at all?"

"Never." _Why does it matter?_

"What about sex?!" She all but shouts.

My markings begin to burn ever so slightly with embarrassment. _This woman! The nerve!_ I grit my teeth and then speak, "I wasn't aware that it was a required activity."

"A required…" Hawke's mouth hangs open. "You really are a strange elf. I don't suppose you want to tell me why?"

"In fact, not. Let's keep walking." I start making my way towards the nearby tavern, 'The Hanged Man,' that I assume is our destination. _It must be a special skill of hers to be able to make someone uncomfortable every single time she sees them. Ugh. It could be her magic, mages do tend to infect everything with it._

"That's fine, you can tell me when you feel like it." She resumes leading me towards the tavern. "…going to have to do something… that no sex thing…" She mumbles under her breath.

I roll my eyes since she can't see me. _Should I be flattered or offended? She is pretty for a mage, not that I'd ever sleep with one. I guess it's alright for her to find me attractive._

We reach the doors of The Hanged Man. Hawke pushes one open and strolls inside with me at her heels. The place is bustling as people talk and drink at the tables and bar. I notice a familiar set of pirate breasts just to our right.

"Isabela!" Hawke screams, running over to throw her arms around the pirate. "You remember Fenris right?"

Isabela smiles seductively at me. "How could I forget a sight like that?"

 _Okay. What is with these women? I'm pretty sure they have elves here. Does everyone in Kirkwall want to take my clothes off?_ I uncomfortably cross my arms, wishing I could hide from their view entirely. "Hello." I say.

A tough looking red headed woman dressed in full armor walks up behind Hawke and Isabela. She smiles and says, "Don't mind her, she's a whore. It's nice to meet you. I'm Aveline. I keep these geniuses alive."

"Yet, I'm still the leader!" Hawke butts in.

"Yes, for some unknown reason, we all listen to her and follow her around." Aveline shakes her head.

Isabela looks at Hawke, "I just stick around because watching her horrible plans fail is hilarious."

Hawke fakes offence. "I like to think you appreciate my company and the beer I buy you."

"Yes dear, those are nice too." Isabela winks at Hawke.

 _They're so comfortable with each other. How can they possibly trust each other that much? It must be nice._ "Hello, Aveline." I finally get the chance to say. "That's a strong name. I like it."

Aveline smiles, taken aback by my compliment. "Why, thank you."

"It is a strong name, isn't it?" Isabela leans towards Aveline. "And look at her arms! They're huge! Aveline, are you sure you aren't a man under there?" She gestures at the crotch of Aveline's armor.

Face reddening to match her hair, Aveline responds, "I am a woman, and I was happily married to a man. You wouldn't know anything about that, seeing as you can't keep one for longer than a night."

"Meow!" Isabela makes a fake clawing motion at Aveline's face.

Hawke shakes her head. "Do we have to do this every time?"

"No!" "Yes!" Aveline and Isabela say at the same time correspondingly. They glare at each other.

 _Perhaps it isn't so nice._

"Come on, you're making Fenris uncomfortable. I do enough of that as it is." Hawke smirks at me.

"Fine, fine." Isabela turns around and motions for us to follow her. "Varric's over here at our table. It's his fault we started drinking without you. I told him it was rude but he just kept refilling my glass!"

"I'm sure." Hawke says sarcastically.

We all follow Isabela and take seats. Varric is at the head of the table near the tavern wall. Hawke takes the seat adjacent to him on the right side. I sit next to her and Isabela sits next to me, while Aveline mirrors Hawke's position on Varric's other side. Three seats are left empty.

I glance at the vacant chairs, "Where is your brother?"

"Carver wasn't invited on account of being a nug licker." Hawke giggles. "Hey, where are Merrill and Anders?" She asks the group.

Varric answers, "Merrill cut her foot open, frolicking or something. They said they would be here as soon as he healed it."

 _Healed it? Oh perfect. Sounds like there's another mage. This just keeps getting better! ARRRGGH!_ I internally scream. I clench my fist under the table, driving the claws of my gauntlets into the flesh of my palm. My face remains expressionless, however.

"Oh Merrill. Of course she did, poor thing." Hawke says.

Varric turns to me, "So, Fenris, I see you've decided to join us."

"You all did help me a great deal; it would be foolish to forget that. However, I have not been informed what it is this group does, and what I can do to repay you." I reply to him.

Varric chuckles, "Hawke, you didn't tell him anything?"

Holding up her hands in defense, Hawke says, "Hey, I told him we were a group, we needed his help, and in return we would help bail him out of trouble. Those are the important parts! I also made sure to be alluring."

Laughing, Varric answers, "I'm sure you did. Well, Fenris, since our fearful leader is no help, I'll explain it to you. Hawke here is trying to raise fifty sovereigns so that she can become somebody. You see, my brother Bartrand is putting together an expedition to the Deep Roads; the hope is, we join him as partners, and she comes out loaded. She's had enough of being pushed around as a bottom feeder. The way she goes about getting this money is doing anything anyone wants to pay her for. We aid and abet her. Need someone killed, found, kidnapped? No problem, we take all jobs. Isn't that right?" Varric raises his flagon of beer.

"Sadly." Aveline puts her face in her palm.

"Hey! I don't do anything involving children or animals." Hawke sasses.

Isabela raises her glass, "Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap!"

"Speak for yourself Isabela! You're the only one who goes that far for copper." Hawke says snidely, leaning across me to get in Isabela's face.

"Oh no, kitten. The things I do, you could never afford." Isabela licks her lips.

Aveline looks up from her palm, "Please shut up."

Isabela replies by sticking out her tongue.

"Thank you. Is no one going to get him a drink? I swear you were all raised by darkspawn." Aveline pushes her chair away from the table and stands up. "And no, I'm not getting you anything Hawke."

"Hey!" Hawke yells and runs after Aveline to the bar.

 _They really are just a mismatched group of nobodies doing what they can to survive. They care about each other, even if they have a strange way of showing it. I respect that. Clearly insane, but they appear to actually be good people. I wasn't sure that was something that existed._ I watch Hawke's hips sway as she catches up to Aveline and the corners of my mouth turn up slightly. _She is something else._ _I think I could like these people, eventually. Maybe this mage is different._

"Over here!" Isabela waves at an elf and a human entering the tavern.

They make their way over to us, and I notice they both carry staffs. _No. Venhedis. No. Why is it two more mages?_ I grip the table tightly, and my gauntlets dig into the surface. _What are we, a demon's dream?_

The elf, a female, sits down beside Aveline's empty chair. The human, a male with an unsightly ponytail, takes the seat across from Isabela.

"Hello! My name's Merrill! It's nice to meet you, I'm an elf too! Dalish though, are you Dalish? You don't look Dalish." Merrill says, chipper. She waves at me, and I notice scars covering her palm.

 _Those scars are too perfect. They can only mean one thing._ "Are you a blood mage?!" I spit.

Merrill smiles, oblivious to my outrage. "Yes! I know it sounds bad but it's not. I know what I'm doing. Anders is possessed by a nice spirt though! Its name is Justice—"

I leap to my feet, and my chair tumbles to the ground behind me. _Of all the disgusting things! A maleficar and an abomination! Hawke can be no different! The thought of associating with such things!_ I glare at Anders and Merrill venomously. "Filthy monsters!" I growl.

"Where?!" Merrill squeaks and looks behind her, frightened.

I point at her. "The two of you! How dare you show your faces in daylight! I should rip your throats out right now!" I roar. "Do you not know the danger you are to yourselves and everyone here?!"

Anders jumps to his feet. "How dare you! Such accusations! What are those markings? Are you a slave?! If you can't control your temper any more than this, I'd say you're the monster! You're beneath us. Why don't you run back to your master?"

I let out a loud growl and leap across the table. Before he has time to react, I grab him by the throat and sling him past Merrill into the wall. My markings come to life, glowing bright blue from my adrenaline. "I am not a slave!" I run to where he remains stunned against the wall and punch him in the face with all my might. His nose snaps to the side, and the plates of my gauntlet slice through his cheek. Blood pours from his face and covers my hand. Anders' eyes turn solid blue, and light appears to shine through cracks in his flesh. He shoves me off him and pulls his staff from his back.

"WHAT IN THE MAKER'S NAME IS GOING ON?!" Hawke screams from behind me.

I turn and step back to fit both Anders and Hawke in my vision. My heart rate is still elevated, and my markings glow intensely. Rage blocks out the pain. I notice the others: Merrill is hiding under the table, Varric and Isabela's mouths hang open in shock, and Aveline stands a puddle of beer from the glasses she dropped.

Anders steps forward, his eyes returning to normal. "This beast attacked me!" He jabs a finger in my direction.

I growl and tighten my fists, my markings burning brighter still. "I should have killed you!"

"No one is killing anyone!" Hawke yells. Her eyes scald me like fire.

"I demand you have him dragged out of here! He's a danger to us all!" Anders spouts.

My attention snaps back to him, "Me?! You're the abomination! You're possessed by a demon right now!"

"Justice is a spirt, and he's under my control!" Anders strikes the bottom of his staff on the ground.

Isabela starts laughing and leans across the table. "Girls, girls, you're both pretty!"

Varric joins in her laughter, both cackling uproariously.

Hawke shakes her head. "Anders, go home and heal yourself. You look like you fell face first in a beartrap."

 _I'd rather kill him, but being out of my sight will do._

"What?! Aren't you going to do something about _that_?" He gestures to me.

"Go home Anders. I'll handle it." Hawke warns him.

Glaring at everyone, Anders makes his way out of The Hanged Man.

I relax slightly, and my markings die down to a faint itch. I look at Hawke. _What will she think of me now? It doesn't matter, she's a mage too… Although, she didn't take his side and fight against me. Surprisingly, none of them did…_

"And you." Hawke looks me in the eyes. "Outside. Now."

 _Telling me what to do… Ugh. But… I did attack her friend, that creature, and she didn't turn on me… She deserves an explanation._ I nod and walk out the door. She follows me over to an alley beside the tavern. In silence, she plops down on the dirt and leans up against the stone wall. She pats the ground beside her. I pause for a moment, then sit next to her.

"I don't want to know who started it. And I don't care why it happened." Hawke says seriously. "I just want to know if it will happen again."

I pick up a small rock and turn it over in my hand. "Why didn't you attack me?"

Hawke looks at me. "What?"

I sigh. "In there. He's with you, right? You saw me attack him, but you didn't help him fight me. Why?"

"Just because he's part of my team doesn't mean he's right. I can't count how many times I've wanted to do that to his face." Hawke chuckles slightly.

 _I… I might regret this for the rest of my life… But I believe I can trust her…_

"You didn't answer my question. Will it happen again?" Hawke asks.

"He's an abomination. Why shouldn't it? Why do you have him and a maleficar with you?" I continue to turn the rock over and over in my hand, refusing to look at Hawke.

Hawke leans her head back against the wall. "We all have dark secrets. Every one of us is seriously messed up in multiple ways. And we continue to do things we aren't proud of. Frequently. Anders and Merrill might be messed up differently than we are, but that doesn't make them evil. We're a team until the moment we're forced not to be. No matter who it is, from Varric to Anders, if they go crazy and murder a bunch of innocent people or sacrifice a child or rob us all blind, I promise you, I will kill them myself. Until that day however, we can hate them all we want but, they will still a part of the family. Does that make sense?"

 _Ugh. That makes a lot of sense. Hating people is so much easier than this._ "Yes... But what about you? You're a mage; how do I know that you won't fall prey to a demon?" I look into her bright blue eyes.

"You don't know that I suppose. But, if my word means anything to you, I promise that I will do everything in my power to avoid that. Also, should it happen, I give you complete permission to kill me." She gives me the faintest of smiles.

 _That's… Completely reasonable._ "Alright. I want in. I will not kill the maleficar or the abomination, but I cannot say I will do more than that. Understand that my trusting you is not done lightly. I have never trusted anyone for as long as I can remember. If you betray that trust, I will slaughter all of you and your families." I look at her, dead serious.

"That's fair." She grins widely. "Can I hug you?"

"No."

"Handshake?"

"…Fine…" I reluctantly hold out my hand, and she takes it in hers firmly. I feel the marking on my palm burn under her touch. It hurts, but it isn't something I can't get used to.

She lets go of my hand. "Are you sure I can't hug you?"

"I'm sure." I smile at her, certain all of this is a bad idea but not caring at the moment.


	3. Mage Fights

**This chapter starts off with a little taste of what action scenes will be like and then delves further into the friendship Fenris is beginning to form with Hawke. Enjoy!**

* * *

(4) Cloudreach 11th

"VARRIC! DUCK!" Hawke screams as a fireball explodes against the cave wall over the dwarf's head.

Varric falls to the ground and rolls out of the way. Quickly jumping up, he launches a crossbow bolt back into the fray.

An ember veers off and scorches my bicep. "Blasted apostates!" I shout as I dash forward.

"Hey!" Hawke yells back from somewhere to my right.

I growl even though she can't hear me through the chaos. _How am I somehow fighting apostates with two apostates? No time. Fighting is what's important._ I spot Merrill facing me a few yards ahead; she's oblivious to the person rapidly approaching her from behind. I charge towards Merrill, sword gripped tightly in both hands, and leap over her head. I swiftly bring my blade down into her attacker's neck, slicing cleanly through the robes. Blood squirts from the mage's jugular, and he falls to the ground. _One less to deal with._ I look back at Merrill, and she smiles at me from ear to ear. _That is not necessary. I didn't save her. I'm just doing my job. I see an enemy, I kill._ My gaze moves from Merrill to survey the cave. There are three more mages firing spells from various cover throughout the cavern. Hawke and Varric are at a distance returning fire from behind some crates. _Seriously? I'm the only one here with a sword? Ranged idiots. Oh well, I've handled far worse._ I direct my attention to the apostate nearest me, and she crouches behind a boulder at the cave wall to my left. She fails to notice me as I rush towards her, my lyrium markings powering every step. When I am only a few feet away, she spots me, and a shriek leaves her lungs. Magic shoots from her fingers, and a dagger of ice pierces through my left foot. I feel it just in time to bring my other foot down safely away from the spikes. Jerking my injured foot from the icy snare, I lunge forward with my sword and impale the woman against the wall. She screams and grabs at the blade, trying in vain to pull it from her midsection. Her hands grow bloody, and I quickly put her out of her misery with a quick upward flick of the blade. I withdraw my sword and whirl around to relocate the other attackers. The remaining two apostates, a man and a woman, huddle together behind some rubble at the far end of the cavern. They look at me with horror and fear.

"No! Stop! Don't come any closer!" The woman squeals, hiding behind the man.

I begin walking across the cave towards them, oblivious to the pain from my bleeding foot. _This will be fast._

The two fling down their staffs and press themselves up against the wall. "Please, no! We surrender!" The man whimpers.

"Fenris, wait." Hawke says, stepping out from behind her cover. "We should let them speak."

"They tried to kill us. They don't get to speak. Either we kill them, or we send them to the circle." I stop and give Hawke a harsh look.

The man stands up and says, "Please let us go! We were trying to protect our lives! We just want to be free!"

"And how many innocent people have wandered into this cave to be killed for your freedom? You attacked us without cause, apostates. You're too dangerous to allow to go free." I level my sword at the man. "It's your choice, Hawke."

She sighs and looks at the ground. "As much as I hate it… The circle is more of a life than no life at all…" She murmurs and then looks up sharply. "You will come with us and turn yourselves in. This way, you keep your lives and greatly reduce the risk of being made tranquil."

The woman begins weeping, "You can't do this to us! How can you not understand?!"

"I understand perfectly, but I can't allow you to be a continued threat." Hawke says firmly.

I lower my blade and clean it with a rag from my belt before returning it to my back. _I'm glad that she's being reasonable about it. I could not have stood by and let them go free._

* * *

(4) Cloudreach 11th

We approach Lowtown as the sun is setting. It took longer than anticipated to track down a few Templars to take the mages off our hands.

"Those poor mages. They must be so sad going to live in the circle. Oh! But there they will have real beds to sleep in and not a dusty cave! I suppose that's nice." Merrill spouts as she skips along beside me.

I grunt in response. _Their feelings don't matter. They were needlessly endangering others; they got far better than they deserved._

"Oh! But Hawke! Did you see?!" Merrill bounces up and down excitedly.

From my other side, Hawke looks at Merrill sweetly, "See what Merrill?"

"Fenris! He saved me! Someone was behind me and I didn't see em, so he jumped right over my head. I never seen anyone jump so high!" Merrill prattles excitedly.

"Did he now?" Hawke asks with a giggle. "You helped our little blood mage?" She looks at me coyly.

I glare intensely at the ground in front of me and say nothing. _Of course not. She's a monster._

Varric laughs. "Are you sure he wasn't going for your head and missed?"

"No, that's not it at all! Fenris is great at fighting, he wouldn't have missed!" Merrill looks at me kindly with her big eyes, "Thank you for saving me." Before I can move, her arms are around my waist, and she pulls me into a hug.

"Festis bei umo canaverum!" I shout angrily and leap away from her. "Stay away from me!"

Hawke moves between Merrill and myself. "Um, Merrill sweetie, please don't touch Fenris. He hates that."

 _I hate everything._

"I'm sorry! I really didn't know! Please forgive me." Merrill pleads with me.

"No." I veer away from the group towards an alley I know will lead me home. "Goodnight."

"Varric, can you take Merrill home?" Hawke calls over her shoulder, running to catch up to me.

"Sure thing." Varric nods.

Hawke moves to walk on my left.

"Leave me." I tell her. I maintain my pace and train my eyes on the path ahead.

"I'd rather not. You should know by now that I don't do anything I don't want to do." Hawke says with her usual playfulness.

 _She always tries to make everything better. Somethings can't be fixed. I don't know why everything is funny to her. It's irritating! I just want to be left alone._ "Hawke. I am not in the mood." I warn her.

"Fine. I'll be quiet, but, I'm still coming with you." She states before falling silent.

 _Ugh. So persistent._ We keep walking in silence until we arrive at my house in Hightown. I pause outside the door, neither of us saying a word for a minute. Finally, I ask, "Are you coming inside?"

"Would it be alright if I came inside?" She looks me in the eyes seriously.

"You're asking?" _I thought she would just push her way in. How odd._

She nods. "Yes. Fenris, may I come inside? Or would you like me to go home?"

I take a moment to think. _Well, I was going to demand her to leave… but since she asked… It couldn't hurt to let her in for a bit. The curtesy is nice._ "Fine." I nod and open the door for her. "Go on in."

With a smile, she enters the dark house, and I follow. She turns to me. "Where should we go?"

It's difficult to see much, as the house is nearly pitch black. "Follow me. There are chairs and a fireplace upstairs." I lead the way to the bed chamber and begin putting logs into the fireplace.

Hawke drags the two large chairs close together and nearer the hearth. With a flick of her wrist, she ignites the fire. "Mmmm! Much better!" She says settling into one of the chairs.

 _Magic! In my house?!_ If it were anyone but her… "That wasn't necessary." I tell her, taking the other seat. I try to keep the bite in my voice down to a minimum.

"Magic isn't something you approve of, is it?" Hawke looks at me quizzically.

"No. I don't care for it. Seems to be a common opinion among the slaves, or former slaves, of Tevinter magisters." I gaze into the fire.

"Fenris… I didn't even think… I'm really sorry." Hawke manages.

"Don't be. You can't help what you are. And you're not him." I move my eyes to hers so that she can see that I don't blame her. We sit quietly for a little bit before I break the silence. "If anything, I should be thanking you."

Her eyebrows raise in surprise. "What for?"

"We may disagree often. You are pushy, and a mage, but you are also the only thing in my life that isn't horrible. You're good Hawke. That means a lot," I tell her, and it's true.

The corners of her mouth lift and her eyes are full of emotion. "I'm glad you let me be in your life."

"As am I." Slightly uncomfortable, I return my eyes to the fire.

Hawke snickers. "If you wouldn't punch me, I'd kiss you right now."

 _Not this again. She is beautiful, I'd be a fool not to want to… I just can't._

"I wouldn't punch you," I say.

She straightens up, and her voice turns silky, "Oh, really?"

"I would throw you into the fire." I mean it as a joke, but it comes out as a threat.

She freezes, looking really concerned.

"I. No. That was…" I stammer, my ears burning red. _This is why I don't make jokes._

"Oh!" Hawke bursts out laughing. "You just made a joke! I'm so proud of you!"

 _This is horrible._ "It won't happen again," I say, but I can't put any real anger behind it.

"Okay, I'll get out of your hair before I embarrass you anymore." She winks at me. "Thank you for inviting me in." She stands to her feet.

I stand as well to walk her to the door. "You're welcome." _It isn't that late, maybe I should ask her to stay a little longer. No. This is good for now._

"Can I have another handshake?" Hawke says slyly.

I let her see me roll my eyes and then hold out my hand. She laces her hand tightly with mine. Again, I feel my palm come to life against her touch. It burns, but I kind of like it. She keeps my hand longer than necessary, and the pain starts to intensify. I keep myself from flinching. When she lets go, my hand lights up the space between us with blue light.

"That's so cool," she remarks fondly.

I shrug.

She takes a pause and then, "Does it hurt?"

"You don't want to know the answer to that," I say as I curl and extend my tingling fingers.

"And that's why you don't like being touched?" She looks at me sadly.

"That's part of it. It's not as bad with you." My eyes find hers.

"That's good. Well… Goodnight. I'll get going." Her face is still sad, but I can see hope behind her eyes.

I walk her to the door and watch her until she's out of sight. _This 'friendship' is strange. Not something I wanted or expected. Hawke is such a genuine person. The way she treats me… All of those emotions that she shows for me… Could she honestly care that much? What we have, whatever this is, I think it's better than I deserve._


	4. Drunk Magic

**This is one of the most fun sections I've worked on, things start to get lit here haha ;)**

* * *

(4) Cloudreach 23rd

 _Why did I agree to this?_ I may be a part of this team when fighting battles, but when it comes to socialization, I prefer to stay home.

I sit at our previous table inside the Hanged Man with my arms crossed. Hawke invited me here to have 'fun' with the group, but what exactly this is I'm not sure. At the head of the table, Varric laughs uproariously at the show. The abomination, Anders, sits next to him watching smugly. Across from me, Carver grins broadly, eyes wide. Hawke, Merrill, and Isabela stand on the table, facing Anders and Carver with their butts nearly level with my face. It's late, and they are all horribly intoxicated. I'm buzzed myself but certainly not enough to show it. Merrill is hopping from foot to foot waving her arms in the air gleefully. Isabela lets her hair down from its blue bandana and rolls her body towards Hawke who returns the movement. They hip bump each other in time to music that isn't playing. Hawke shimmies her shoulders and Isabela mirrors her.

"Stop showing off!" Hawke playfully hisses at Isabela. "Not all of us have amazing boobs like you!"

Isabela clicks her tongue. "Hawke, yours would be just as good if you didn't hide them under all those robes."

"Hey! That… That is a good point." Hawke giggles.

 _How is it possible to get that drunk?_ I shake my head, slightly amused.

Isabela grabs Merrill's waist and tries to guide her to bump hips in rhythm with her and Hawke, but Merrill just laughs.

"Isabela! I can't do it! I don't know how!" Merrill covers her face giggling.

Carver smacks his hand on the table a couple of times. "You can do it Merrill!" He cheers, watching her intently.

Isabela pats Merrill on the shoulder, "It's okay kitten. You'll be sexy one day."

Hawke stumbles around Isabela to stand between her and Merrill. "Shhhhh. Don't say such things! Merrill is too sweet."

"No, I'm not!" Merrill huffs. "I can be just like you two!"

"No!" Hawke and Isabela say at the same time. Realizing what happened, they point at each other and bend forward laughing.

I could see up Isabela's skirt, if I wanted to. I don't. _Isabela has a point. Why doesn't Hawke wear something like that? Ugh. Mage robes. Magic makes everything worse._

Isabela quickly straightens up, her eyes huge and full of mischief. "I have an idea."

Merrill claps excitedly. "Ooooo what?"

Hawke smiles expectantly.

"Can't tell!" Isabela hops off the table and starts walking to the door. "Come on!"

Hawke leaps off the table, landing clumsily, and runs to catch up. "I'm game!"

Stumbling to the edge of the table, Merrill attempts to climb down.

"Hold on, I've got you." Carver says, lifting her up and setting her on her feet.

Merrill looks at him with dopey expression, she pats him on the cheek and says, "Thank you, boy Hawke." She then runs to the door and the ladies disappear out it.

Carver chases after them and pauses at the door grinning. "Well?" He says to us.

I stand to my feet. _I'm sure this will be interesting. I'd rather follow Hawke, even drunk, than stay here with the abomination._ I exchange a glare with Anders as he follows me out of the Hanged Man. Varric stays behind, mumbling something about his crossbow Bianca. Once outside, I spot Carver to our right. He waves franticly and then disappears around a corner.

 _I should just go home._ I cut my eyes at Anders. _But I can't just leave them with_ that _; I'll stay and walk Hawke home. She might trust it, but I refuse._ I stride forward, ahead of Anders, towards where Carver had disappeared.

"LEAVE!" I hear Hawke's voice ring out from a little way away.

Carver reappears around the corner holding his hands up beside his head. He walks past us, muttering expletives.

 _Interesting._ I pick up my pace, rounding the corner and making my way down the alley. I spot the girls in the dim light at the end of a tiny boat dock. _What are they doing?_ I reach the edge connecting the dock to the alley and stop.

"I don't know Isabela…" Merrill looks concerned.

Hawke turns and looks me in the eyes, squints, and then looks at Isabela. "I'll do it."

"Alright!" Isabela cheers.

 _Do what?_ Before I realize what's happening, Hawke steps out of her robes, drops her small clothes, and dives into the water completely nude.

"Kaffas." Escapes my lips. _I… What… Wow…_ My hand knots in my hair. I try to keep my face blank, but it's impossible. My mouth hangs open slightly. _I've never seen anything so beautiful._ I want her so badly.

Hawke surfaces and smiles teasingly at all of us gathered on the dock.

Isabela snickers, looking at me, "Hawke, I do believe you've killed Fenris."

I shake my head and untangle my hand from my hair, "I'm fine." I say flatly, stepping back. _Keep your thoughts to yourself. You can never have her._

"It's not cold." Hawkes stands up slightly in the water, her breasts just barely submerged.

"Okay!" Merrill leaps into the water in full armor. She splashes Hawke and Hawke playfully pushes her under the water.

Isabela strips without my notice and joins them in the water. The three ladies swim into deeper water, giggling.

"Aren't you two going to join us?" Isabela calls out mischievously.

I tense up. _I can't… I just can't._

"Why not?" Anders steps forward and starts taking his boots off.

 _I can't and neither can he._ I turn toward him sharply and growl. "You're exactly the kind of monster I thought you were. Planning to take advantage of them while they're drunk?!"

Anders straightens up and glares into my eyes. "Say one more thing to me elf!"

We both have our weapons, but I'm sure I can handle him without difficulty. I start to open my mouth, but I'm cut off.

"I swear!" Isabela yells. "You're both useless!"

We step away from each other still angry.

Isabela swims to the dock closely followed by the other two. "Can't you just get along like we do?" She says.

"Not when he keeps accusing me of things!" Anders spits.

"Shut up. We're done anyway." Hawke says, too drunk to be mad. The three ladies climb out of the water and onto the dock.

I try to keep my eyes averted but they keep drifting back to the water dripping off Hawke's fascinating slender frame. I want to take her home with me. _This woman will be the death of me._

"Oh no… I'm all wet!" Drunk Merrill whines.

Isabela, still naked, kisses Merrill on the forehead. "Anders, take her home before she gets sick."

"What-" Anders starts to complain but drops it when he sees Isabela's face. He gives me a final death stare before walking off with the sniffling Merrill.

Hawke and Isabela slip back into their clothes, still dripping.

"Well, this was fun. Thanks for being brave Hawke." Isabela winks at her.

"I'm always brave." Hawke teases.

The now dressed Isabela walks past me. "Oh, I know. You two have fun tonight!" She continues on her way.

In fairly drenched robes, Hawke walks over to me stumbling a little. She places her hands on my shoulders, clearly unable to realize what she's doing. Afraid of letting her fall, I don't pull away despite wanting to. She leans in really close to my lips. "Do you want to kiss me?" she asks.

 _She won't remember any of this tomorrow._ I swallow with some difficulty. "Yes. Of course."

She leans in to kiss me, but I step back taking hold of her shoulders to keep her on her feet. "You know I won't." I tell her gently.

Hawke sticks out her bottom lip in a pout. "That's not fair!"

"I'm taking you home." I tell her. _She's too drunk to walk the whole way; it would be light out before we got there._ I let go of her, scoop her up, and throw her over my shoulder.

She giggles and kicks her legs slightly. "Now we're talking!" She says in a flirty tone.

"Hawke. I'm taking you to your family's house. Remember your mom?" I ask her as I begin picking my way towards her uncle Gamlen's place.

She makes an aggravated sound and then hangs like dead weight on my shoulder. "You're no fun."

"That's what I keep telling you. Yet you still drag me into this stuff." I smirk.

When we emerge into the large, open, area surrounding the Hanged Man, I get the feeling that we're being watched.

"I'm going to set you down." I tell Hawke and lower her into a sitting position against the wall of the alley we just exited.

"Why? What-" Hawke begins but I cut her off.

"Shhh. Quiet." I straighten up and draw my sword.

 _Of course. This is exactly the time I would be attacked… Good. If there is anything I need right now, it's bloodshed. I have to get my mind off Hawke._ I survey the area and spot a warrior, armed with a thick shield and short sword, descending the stairs to my right. _That should put the rogues directly in front and behind me._ I pause for a split second before side stepping quickly and slashing out at the place I had been just moments before. The rogue that I was anticipating fills that space as he thrusts his knife forward. My sword catches in the front of his thigh; I force it deeper into his femoral artery and then rip it out. Blood soaks the leg of his leather armor, and he drops onto the ground screaming in agony. I notice the warrior charging me. _Now!_ I thrust my sword through the fallen rogue's chest. He spits up blood as I rapidly withdraw my weapon. The warrior reaches me and swipes at my shoulder with his blade. I leap out of the way, but as my feet hit the ground, I am slammed on my back. My head smashes against the hard-packed ground, and the corners of my vision go blurry. I blink it off and snap into a sitting position, then jump to my feet. The warrior and second rogue are also lying on the ground. _MAGIC!_ My eyes snap to Hawke. She remains sitting where I left her. Her eyes are huge and sparks fly from her left hand.

"NO DRUNK MAGIC!" I snarl at her.

She scrunches up her face apologetically. "Oops…"

I bring my eyes back to my adversaries. The warrior is stirring slightly; he must have been briefly knocked out. The second rogue is on her feet now, daggers drawn, three yards away from me. _Plenty of distance._ I slam my sword down on the warrior's neck, severing head from spinal cord. _Excellent!_ I meet the eyes of the remaining thug, blood dripping from my blade. She gasps, turns around, and sprints away down an alley. _Such a coward! Face your own battles!_ I start after her but stop, remembering Hawke. Cleaning the viscera off my blade with the cloth from my belt, I walk back to where I left her and give her a dark look.

She hugs her knees to her chest and peers up at me. "Sorry… I wanted to help…"

"You nearly got us both killed! What if I would have been knocked out? Don't you see?! This what magic does!" I snap at her harshly.

She shrinks away from me as if my words were punches. The charisma and swagger that make Hawke the powerful woman she is has been replaced by fear. She looks so small, shivering in her damp robes. The alcohol has left but a shell of the vibrant Hawke.

 _What am I doing? This is pointless… It's like I'm yelling at a child. Ugh. Why can't I ever just be angry?_ I kneel beside her.

"Hawke." I say gently, waiting for her to look me in the eyes. "Thank you for trying to help." I force myself to say the words.

She nods, still looking at me sadly.

"I'm going to get you home now." I rise and lift her over my shoulder. She doesn't protest and remains hanging there as I walk.

When I reach the door of Gamlen's house, I move to set Hawke down, but she doesn't make any effort to stand. _Perfect. She's asleep. Fasta vass, now I have to deal with this._ I straighten up and knock on the door. After a moment, Leandra, Hawke's mother, opens the door.

"Oh!" Her tired eyes widen in surprise at me.

I gesture to her daughter draped over my shoulder. "I've brought Hawke."

"I can see that." She chuckles slightly and yawns. "Bring her in." She steps back allowing me to enter the tiny house.

I stride to the center of the room and look at Leandra questioningly.

"There is no dealing with that girl! Lay her next to Harley. He's her dog any way. Sleeping on the floor can't possibly make her feel any worse tomorrow!" Leandra clucks in an irritated tone.

Without question, I lay Hawke beside the Mabari. I move to the door to exit.

"You must be Fenris. I don't believe we've actually met. I hear a lot about you." Leandra says.

"I am. You must be Leandra." I reply. _I have to get out of here._

"That's correct. Thank you for bring my daughter home alive. Well, mostly alive." She shakes her head.

"You're welcome. It is late, and I must be going." I step even closer to the door.

"Would you like to speak to Carver before you go? He's still awake, I believe." Leandra smiles at me.

 _Never. That would be horrible._ "No, thank you. I need to get home." I tell her.

Finally, she opens the door and lets me out. I step into the night air, nod to her, and walk away before she can say anything else.


	5. Divisively Indecisive

**This chapter focuses a lot on Fenris' inner thoughts as he attempts to decipher more of who he is and what he really wants. I'm posting a day early because why not? I can't get enough of writing this! I hope you like it; please feel free to let me know!**

* * *

(4) Cloudreach 23rd

Back in my chair, in the dark, beside an unlit fire, I sit with my thoughts. _My life has gotten far more complicated. Slave, simple, do what you're told. Warrior, easy, kill. On the run, basic, hide and survive. But now? I walk on eggshells around a mage, the very creature I have learned to despise. I want to touch her and have her touch me, yet, I very much don't want that at the same time. She ignites my flesh with pain, but I almost look forward to it. Her presence awakens emotions that I have kept locked away for so long. She makes me both extremely angry and almost happy. Anger I like. Anger is comfortable. The rest are maddening. I can never know if anyone is truly honest. If I choose to wholly trust them, even just her, it will mean turning my back on everything that has kept me alive. I have to stay alive; if I don't, there was no point in anything. These markings will be stripped from my corpse. In death, I would be owned again._ I spit on the floor from the hatred rising in my throat. _All the same… If I allow my past masters to continually torment my thoughts and make my existence miserable, have I even escaped at all?_ I pause and just breathe. My fingers clench and unclench. _No. I haven't. They still control me. I refuse to give them the satisfaction. My life is my own. I will make it here, even if I don't know how. Until the day that I personally rip Danarius's heart out of his chest, I will see what it is like to have some form of a life._ I exhale slowly, realizing what this will mean. _It will be worth it. If it doesn't work out, I can more than handle myself._ I lean my head back in my chair and close my eyes.

* * *

(4) Cloudreach 24th

I pace back and forth in front of my fireplace, wringing my bare hands. _How exactly do I have a normal life? What does everyone do? I suppose I could ask Aveline, if anyone would know it would be her…_ I halt and run a hand through my hair. _I could probably take a walk, or go buy something, or… I really have no idea. This is more stressful than I expected…_ I hear a knock on my door. _Good, something to do other than this._ I put my sword on my back, walk down stairs, and open the door. Hawke stands there with a funny look on her face.

"Hello, Hawke." I say and motioning her to come inside.

She steps through the door and faces me. "Um… I'm sorry about last night."

I blink in surprise. "You were drunk. That's how it usually goes," I say with some humor.

"Yes, but Isabela informed me that we danced on a table and then jumped in the harbor naked in front of you. I invited you to the Hanged Man to have fun, not to make you never want to see us again." Her cheeks redden and she shakes her head. "I'm sorry."

"You also slammed me on the ground with magic, and I carried you home on my shoulder. Then I had to talk to your mom because you fell asleep." I tell her, feigning annoyance.

"What?!" Her jaw drops open. "I am so so-"

"Apology accepted." I give her a half smile. "You were drunk."

"Clearly. Thank you. I do not plan on doing that again anytime soon!" Hawke replies shamefacedly.

"I should hope not." I say.

We stand in awkward silence for a couple of minutes not knowing what to say. _I've never seen her embarrassed before, how funny._

Hawke breaks the quiet, "Well, I'll get going. You can get back to whatever it is you do here all by yourself."

She moves to the door, and I open it. _No! I can't just sit here alone any more today. I have to do something, I need to be alive._ "Do you plan on taking any jobs today?"

She steps outside as she answers. "No. I don't need any more trouble than I'm already getting from this headache. Glad you want to help though. I'll see you later." She gives a small wave and then starts walking away.

 _Ugh. I can't think of anything else there would possibly be to do… I don't like doing anything._ "Hey, wait." I call out to her from the door way.

Surprised, she turns around with her eyebrows raised. "Is something wrong?"

"No." _Kaffas, what do I even say?_

"Oh. Alright. Bye." Hawke turns and starts walking again.

"Wait!" I call out again.

She turns back around and crosses her arms. "What is it Fenris?"

"Do you want to do something today? With… Um… Me?" I stammer. _Why did I say that?! This was a terrible idea._

"What now?" She laughs and makes her way back to where I stand in the doorframe. "Did you just ask me to hang out with you?" A look of disbelief covers her sassy face.

I look intently down at my feet. "Yes."

Again, she giggles. "Well, that sounds good to me. What do you want to do?"

My gaze shifts from my feet as I begin to fiddle with one of the pockets on my belt. "I was hoping you knew something to do. I always remain in my house. That's why I asked you."

"Fair enough. Alright, we'll figure something out. Come on!" She motions for me to join her outside.

I step out and close the door behind me. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me, I'm just confused why you suddenly want to be real friends." She smiles and we start walking through high town. Suddenly her eyes snap to my face. "Wait. Is it because you saw my boobs?!"

My ears burn red, and my markings flare to life with my embarrassment. "No! I didn't. I wasn't. I-"

"I'm kidding! I'm kidding!" Her blue eyes sparkle with amusement, and she can't keep the humor off her face.

 _Argh! I knew this was a bad idea!_ I keep walking and don't say anything. _Perhaps a normal life isn't all it's cut out to be…_

"I do have a real question about last night though." She looks at me quizzically.

Begrudgingly, I look back at her. "What is it?"

"Well, if you can't touch people without it hurting, why did you carry me home? Didn't it hurt you?" Concern plays at the edge of her mouth.

"Not very much. Because of my tunic, you weren't in direct contact with my markings; it was only slightly uncomfortable. However, you needed my help. I would have carried you even if it were worse." I tell her.

"How nice of you." She winks at me. "I knew you didn't really hate me."

 _Has she always been this good at making everything sound suggestive, or did she pick that up from Isabela?_ I wonder. "You thought I hated you?"

We keep walking as we talk and it appears that we're headed for the docks.

"Not really. You're just so angry all the time. I know it's not actually my fault, most of the time, but Andraste's crooked foot, I sure don't seem to make things any better!" Hawke's right eye twitches slightly with irritation. "I love having you along, but you're a complicated man. It's frustrating sometimes."

"You're right. It mostly isn't your fault. You're just Hawke and I'm angry because anger it's all I've known, not because of you." I look at her sincerely. "You know my memories of a real life were stripped from me. I remember only my time as a slave and the months I've spent as a fugitive. I still haven't adapted to the way things are now." _I so often tell her everything I'm thinking, it's so strange._

She nods slowly. "I can't imagine what you're constantly going through. It's insane. You're not alone though. We may not always understand you, but we're here and we want to help. And it isn't that I don't think you can make it on your own; I know you can, but you shouldn't have to."

"I appreciate it. I want things to be different. I needn't be so despondent any longer." _I want her to know that I am trying._

She pauses next to bench with a view of the water. "Want to sit?" She gestures at it.

"Alright." I take a seat on the bench and she joins me on my left.

"So, when I drag you to the Hanged Man, do you enjoy it at all?" She asks, a rather smug expression appearing across her face.

I give a small chuckle. "I can't say it isn't entertaining."

"From you, I will take that as a compliment!" Hawke grins widely. "What do you think of the others? I already know I'm adored, but what about them?"

"Most of them are fine. You all work well together." I tell her.

She sighs humorously. "Fair enough. I don't know what I expected you to say."

"What about you and them?" I ask, doing my best to keep the conversation going.

"What about us, what?" She smiles. "They're my weird friends, and I love them. Everyone needs people who will have your back in battle but will also hold your hair while you throw up."

"Are you… Involved with any of them?" I ask before I can stop the words from coming out. For some reason, I just need to know. I can't stand the thought of her with Anders.

She bursts out laughing. "What?! I can't say I was expecting _you_ to ask that." She scratches her forehead and continues. "Not at the moment. I've thought about it though; I don't know what will happen in the future. Tragically, Varric won't have me. You've probably noticed his weird thing with the crossbow. I swear, one of these days he will explain that to me! Anyway, Isabela is obviously gorgeous, and I've never had more fun with anyone. If I looked like her, there is no way I would still be poor. Little Merrill is so cute! I just want to hug her all the time and keep her safe from the rest of the world. Anders is attractive and charming enough, although, I think he would be just as happy with a cat as with me. And Aveline is great and all, but she is SO not my type. Not that I don't dig the red hair and self-confidence, we would just actually kill each other. Then, I guess that leaves you. Now you, I would snatch up in heart beat!" She wiggles her eyebrows at me.

I giggle and then cough to cover it up. "I see." _Why am I so awkward?!_

"So?" She sits up straight. "Any interest in me at all?"

 _Now, isn't that the real question._ I look out at the water, then down at my feet. _I probably should have figured that out already. Ugh. Venhedis she is beautiful. Why does she have to be a mage and why do I have to be so screwed up? Still, I have to make changes if I'm ever going to find any kind of life… and what is a life with no one to share it with?_ Finally, I return her gaze. "Possibly."

"Oooo!" She wiggles excitedly.

"Say I did want that, you know I can't… We wouldn't be like everyone else. You would be happier with Isabela." I look back at the ground somewhat shamefully. _I can't get her hopes up. Or mine… Even if I did decide that she's exactly what I want, I'm not exactly what she needs._

"So would you! But that doesn't mean I want that. I really like you Fenris. I don't need things to be easy. If it's possible, then that's enough for me." Hawke says, her face serious.

"I don't know. None of it is anything I'm familiar with. I-" I ring my hands. _Huh, I left my gauntlets in the mansion. Ugh, I want to have a life… But not if that means ruining Hawke's… I should never have said anything._

"Fenris." She waits until I look her in eye. "Just tell me, is it possible that we could be together?"

 _Likely? No. Possible? Yes._ I take a deep breath."It is."

"Alright then." She smiles softly. "I'm not going anywhere. You take your time, don't worry about me."

 _I said possibly not definitely! Don't put words in my mouth!_ "But I-" I'm cut off again.

"No. You can't change my mind! There won't be anyone else; I'm going to wait for you." She says stubbornly.

 _She would really do that? I didn't imagine anyone thinking I was worth that much… I can't say it isn't a nice thought._ I give her a genuine smile and nod.


	6. Provocative Indiscretion

**In the few days since Hawke admitted her feelings for Fenris, she has consumed his thoughts. In this chapter, he's faced with both passion and guilt. I hope you love this section as much as I do!**

* * *

(4) Cloudreach 29th

Accompanied by Aveline and Anders, Hawke and I stand with muscles tensed for battle. We're in Darktown thanks to an ex-Templar, Samson. The useless blighter got the young apostate we were looking for captured by slavers. I grit my teeth as a retched man in front of us begins to speak.

The slaver that appears to be in charge, Danzig, opens his arms wide with a slight chuckle. "Ah! More volunteers?"

Hawke steps forward. She pops her knuckles and gets in his face. "Ah! The man who's going to tell me exactly what I want to know about the slaves!" She says, mocking his filthy welcoming tone.

Aveline, Anders, and I hang back, poised to fight but allowing her to work her persuasive 'magic.' The kind that I approve of.

Suddenly uneasy, Danzig steps back from her. "I assure you, I don't know what you're talking about."

Hawke clicks her tongue and closes the distance between them again. "Do you know what I do to liars?" She cocks her head to the side. Then she looks nonchalantly at her hand, it flickers into a roaring blaze. Her eyes move back to the slaver. She raises her eyebrows high. "I think you can figure it out. Tell me where I can find the slaver's den. Where is Feynriel? You know the one. Scared apostate boy?"

Glaring at her, Danzig holds his ground. "You're surrounded! I don't have to tell you anything!"

 _Surrounded._ I almost laugh. _He has no idea how many men we have each taken down on our own._

"What a shame…" Hawke extinguishes the flame in her hand. She looks back at me coyly. "Fenris, make him talk."

I grin darkly back at her. _She always knows exactly what to say to me. Magic aside, fasta vass, she's sexy when she's being threatening._ I try to chase the thought away but then decide to let it remain. _Well… It's a fact. There's no harm in thinking it._ "With pleasure." I step up beside her and activate the lyrium in my arm. Without warning, I faze my hand inside the slaver's chest. He screams out in agony as I slightly rematerialize my fingers around his heart. I glower into his eyes and lift him off the ground. He begins to cough and hyperventilate, unable to speak. I tighten my grip on his heart, feeling my fingers barely sink into pericardium. _Not enough to kill him. Yet. Just some minor internal bleeding. Far less than he deserves._ Sweat breaks out all over him, and his body begins to convulse. I growl deeply and yank my hand from his chest, allowing him to fall to the ground, mostly intact.

"How did you...? That's not…" Danzig splutters, pulling himself off the ground.

I cross my arms over my chest. "I strongly suggest that you tell this woman everything she wants to know."

Hawke gives me a sultry look, and my heart begins to beat faster. _No!_ I take a deep breath and slow it back to normal. _Only I control my body. No one must have that much power over me. Not even her…_

"Alright! Alright!" Danzig holds up his hands in surrender. "They're in the caverns on the Wounded Coast!"

Hawke grins widely. "Thank you! See, that wasn't so bad."

The slaver takes a couple of steps back. "Can I go then?"

"Sure!... Oh, wait… I meant, no." She whips her staff off her back and slams him to the ground with force magic. "You sell _people_ , I can't just let you continue!"  
I draw my sword and hear Aveline doing the same. Seven warriors baring swords and shields emerge from the shadows at all sides to aid Danzig. They're too late to save him. Hawke smashes the end of her staff into Danzig's temple. His head cracks against the ground and is instantly engulfed in flames. His shrieks fill the air but are cut off as Hawke drops her full weight on her staff, collapsing his skull. "Got you!" She yells. Without hesitation, she flips backwards and casts a firestorm at a warrior charging her. _She can handle herself._ I switch my attention to the three adversaries heading my way. Aveline dashes to defend Hawke's other side. I assume Anders is hiding somewhere behind us, casting from a distance. The closest attacker reaches me on my left. I parry his strike and hit him in the knee caps, knocking him off his feet. As he tumbles onto the dust, I lunge at the second warrior. Using his charging momentum, I drive my blade into the gap between his leg and body armor, straight through his pelvis. I plant my feet and hold up his weight as he collapses onto my blade. His chest lands squarely on my arm. I quickly free myself by slicing through his hip to detach my sword. He crumples to the ground in a pool of his own blood; his leg hanging by only skin and the thinnest of ligaments. The third foe swings his blade at my head, but just as I duck out of the way, he's frozen, completely immobilized. "My magic will destroy you!" Anders calls out from somewhere behind me. _This guy._ I roll my eyes. Taking advantage of the assistance, I fully activate my lyrium markings and slam the hilt of my sword into the frozen man. He shatters into pieces on the ground. _Well, that was remarkably easy._ On his feet again, the first attacker rams me with his shield while my back is still to him. I stumble forward. Before I can whip around and attack, Aveline beats me to him. "Don't worry, I'm at your back!" She vocalizes. As I turn around, she withdraws her blade from the man's side, and he falls to the ground. I take stock of the area and relax when I see that all threats have been eliminated.

Hawke walks over to where Aveline and I stand. "I'm not cleaning this up." She says seriously but her eyes give away her humor.

Aveline sighs. "Alright, I don't expect you to. Not when we still have slaves to free."

"I'm not coming back later to do it either!" Hawke sasses.

I move to her side. "We should move on. If we waste too much time here we'll miss the rest of the slavers."

Anders joins us. "You're right. Feynriel might not have much time. We must get there before it's too late to save him."

 _Yes, sure, him too. Save the dangerous apostate. That always works out._ I sniff indignantly but say nothing.

Hawke and Aveline nod in agreement with him, and we begin making our way to the exit of this sketchy place.

* * *

(4) Cloudreach 29th

After winding through the tunnels of the slaver caverns, we emerge into a clearing. Varian Ilithis, the head slaver, notices us immediately and yanks Feynriel to him, pressing his sword against the boy's throat. We all draw our weapons and hold our positions at the entrance to the clearing.

"Don't come any closer, or I'll slit his throat!" Varian calls out.

"Go ahead! Do it! See if that saves you!" I challenge him. _It'll save everyone some trouble if he does kill him._

Hawke raises her hands beside her face. "Let's work something out," she says to him.

I rake her with an icy stare. _We don't make deals with slavers! We exterminate them!_

Varian drops the apostate. "He's too valuable to me alive. Kill them!"

Out of nowhere, the clearing fills with slavers. They encircle us and begin closing in. Hawke busts through their ranks and dashes up the slope to Varian's vantage point. Aveline and I move to stand back to back with Anders on our right. _How strange it is, that I now fight unquestioningly with someone at my back. I'm not sure if this is a new weakness, or strength._ Falling in sync with each other, she and I both let out ear shattering battle cries, drawing all enemy attention away from the mages. Anders seizes this moment to flank to the back of the battle. The circle of attackers surges towards us. Aveline and I push back. She smashes forward with her shield, scattering the ranks in front of her. I swing my blade in a large arching motion, making contact with the three slavers nearest me. They stumble backwards. We pivot and lash out again at another set of enemies, sending them reeling. With all of our nearest foes disoriented, we switch to lethal blows. I drop my weight and drive my sword through the chest plate of a fallen man. He coughs up blood, and I twist my blade before extracting it to end him quicker. Two rogues step forward to take his place. In one authoritative swing, I decapitate them both and their bodies drop to the ground. I twist to face another group of rogues just as a fireball explodes at their feet. _Thanks Hawke._ Their clothing ignites, and they begin to shriek. Pleased with this distraction, I dash forward and rapidly slice them across the middle. Their guts spill on the ground as they fall. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that Aveline has vanquished just as many. I hear a loud thud and Hawke screams out in pain. My eyes snap to her location. A massive human looms over her, where we she lays crumpled against the wall. _NOT HER!_ I growl loudly, charging toward the man at full speed. I ram him with my shoulder, knocking him away from Hawke. As she jumps to her feet, I stab him through the calf, and he drops onto one knee. Without hesitation, Hawke slams her staff into his bottom jaw and sends an electric current through his body. With her staff on his throat, she forces him to the ground and increases the electricity until he stops twitching. She steps back locks eyes with me, smirking. My mouth goes dry. I smile back at her then turn my attention back to the threat at hand. _The way she handles herself in combat is astounding. I've never seen a mage with that much control. Ugh. And she's beautiful._ I look around and watch as Aveline shatters two frozen warriors, the last living slavers in the cavern. With the battle over, Anders waves his hands in the air and heals us.

Feynriel ducks out from behind the rock that was concealing him. "You almost got me killed!"

"Yes, scold us for saving your life and killing the men who were planning to sell you." I rumble, irritated.

"It's alright, you're safe now." Aveline says kindly, moving closer to him. "We were only trying to help. We came all the way out here to make sure you weren't killed."

"You're just like my mother! All you want to do is send to me to that prison! I just want to go to the Dalish, they can teach me how to control my magic." Feynriel crosses his arms.

Hawke chuckles. "Well, unless you file those ears down, they'll shoot you on sight. They aren't particularly fond of humans."

"Hawke, he has a point. They are excellent at keeping away from Templars; he'd be safe there." Anders pleads. "How would you like to be sent to the circle?"

Hawke shakes her head sadly. "I would despise it. However, I also don't need it... Feynriel, I'm sorry, we have to take you to the circle. With your powers and the nightmares, on your own you'll either kill yourself or be killed."

Aveline and I nod in agreement. Anders turns his back and curses under his breath. _I'm so glad she sees the sensible side here._

Feynriel yells with frustration. "She put you up to this, didn't she?! My mom, she's paying you, isn't she?! Well, I can tell you I won't miss her at all!"

 _Please shut up before I change my mind and kill you myself._

"It doesn't matter Feynriel, we'll get you there safely. By turning yourself in, they won't make you tranquil. You don't have to be afraid." Aveline soothes.

* * *

(4) Cloudreach 29th

After delivering the apostate to the circle and the news of his safety to his mother, Hawke and I finally arrive back at the entrance of my house.

"You didn't have to walk me back here you know. Unlike Merrill, I don't need a ball of twine to find my way around," I joke.

"Aw, but you'd be so cute walking around with a little ball of twine!" Hawke puts her hands up to her mouth and giggles.

I cross my arms. "I am not cute."

"Suuure. Keep telling yourself that." She winks at me.

I roll my eyes. "Would you like to come inside?" I open the door step through it.

"May as well. The sun will be up soon anyway; it's not like my mother will get more worried." She follows me.

"She might." I turn to face her. _I can't even imagine having a mother, or any family, in my life._

"Trust me, she's used to this by now. I've been staying out until light since I was eleven." Hawke shrugs. "Some night though. Kinda fun."

I nod. "You fought well. I was impressed."

"I did, didn't I?" She crinkles her nose. "Thanks. You're the one who's really remarkable though. The way you stuck your hand in that guy's chest and lifted him off the ground, I wish I could do that!"

I smile slightly. "It is a nice perk. I've found nothing more satisfying."

She steps closer to me. "What is it like? How does it feel, always knowing you have that much power?"

"It is… Comforting. More than anything, I enjoy knowing that I have no true need for weapons. As for actually using it, it's strange. I faze partially out of this world and into nothing. It doesn't hurt, it just, sort of feels." I explain to her.

She moves even closer. Just inches from me. "I like it when you glow." She bites the corner of her lip. "It's sexy."

I try to keep my breathing steady, but for the first time since I can remember, I can't control it. My heart beats faster and there isn't anything I can do about it. I can't even think; all I can do is stand there.

"Can I kiss you?" Hawke asks.

My breath catches in my throat. I pause, uncertain, then nod yes. She leans forward and presses her lips to mine. I close my eyes and return the kiss. Her lips are soft and gentle. I feel the markings on my face and neck buzz to life. Hawke pulls away and looks into my eyes.

"Did you-" She begins to say.

I cut her off by grabbing her hips and pulling her against me, reengaging the kiss. She gasps slightly and then tangles her hands in my hair, deepening the kiss. All at once, the rest of my tattoos burn, but I don't care. I must continue touching her. My arms cradle her tightly against my body. _Please don't let her stop kissing me! I want her to be mine! I would take care of her and protect her. She would never need anyone else._ My mind begins to race, and my heart pumps faster than I've ever felt before. Without breaking our kiss, her hands move from my hair to my chest plate; she unfastens it and throws it to the ground behind her. She moves closer in its absence and presses her chest against mine. Through this new closeness, I can feel the rise and fall of her rapid breathing. _She wants me just as much as I want her!_ I slip off my gauntlets and drop them as well. My hands drift to her back and waist, lips still tightly engaged with hers. _It feels so nice to touch someone. To touch her. My Hawke._ She unhooks the clasps on my tunic, and I move my arms and let it fall. She breaks the kiss and before I can respond, she sweeps my legs out from under me and pushes me to the ground. Pulling her down on top of me, I sit up, my lips finding hers once more. She straddles my lap and I draw her even tighter against me, gripping the small of her back. Her hands move across my chest, and my markings sear in pain. Still, I don't pull away from her. She rolls her hips against me and I move my lips to her neck. _I think I'm in love with her!_ She exhales sharply and then runs her hands down my bare back. It burns intensely, and I wince. The agony continues to increase as she touches me. I try to remain in the moment, lost in her body. It's no use, as she squeezes my shoulders and her mouth moves to my ear, my thoughts are brought crashing down. _What am I thinking?! She isn't mine! I'm not even completely free, I can't be while Danarius lives. Look at me! I don't even know who I am! I don't deserve her… She shouldn't be with someone like me. Even if I did… Even if I could deserve her, I don't now, it's too soon._ I push her off me and scoot backwards, gasping.

Hawke sits up and looks at me wide eyed and stunned. "I… Are you okay?"

I shake my head and run a hand through my hair. My shoulders tremble slightly and my aching tattoos light the space between us.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that." She says, pleading.

I flick my hand dismissively. "You didn't, that was me." _How could I have let that go so far? I thought I had more control than that._ _I'm so unbelievably stupid._ I let out a low growl.

"But I started it. I'm sorry. I said I would wait, and I didn't." Hawke tells me, sadness in her eyes.

I stand to my feet and move away from her. _What am I supposed to say? I can't tell her it's okay, and just let it happen again. But I can't stand the thought of losing her… Still, she'd be better off gone…_

Hawke jumps to her feet. "Please! Don't be mad at me… It won't happen again." Her voice breaks slightly. "Fenris, I want to be with you, no matter what that means."

I turn around and look at her. Her face is fragile and scared. _I wish could run back to her and kiss her until she smiles again… but I need her to go, to be happy with someone who can be happy in return. That's what she needs. I have to push her away. But I can't hurt her! I can't tell her to go, I can't lie and say that I don't want her. I do, I want her here. I need her by my side. Without her, I have nothing, there is only my own anger and darkness._ I close the distance between us and lightly caress her cheek. "Hawke, I'm not angry with you. That was… Incredible. I've never done anything like that. You should know that you're the best thing about my life. That may not sound like much, but it means a lot to me. I assure you, all my anger is turned towards myself." _I'm so selfish…_

She smiles slightly. "Fenris… It sounds like a lot. You're what really matters to me. But… If you don't mind me asking, what happened? Was it your markings? Do they hurt too much?"

"It's everything about me. Yes, my markings hurt horribly, but worse than that is the thought of what I am." I shake my head angrily. _I can't try to convince her to stay… No matter how much I want to, it isn't right._ "How can we be together, when I hardly know myself, when I'm still being hunted. You should just go and find someone else! I refuse to drag you down with me."

"What makes you so sure you're dragging me down with you? I'm fairly certain that I'm pulling you up." She throws her shoulders back, her face stern. "Look, Fenris, you can say what you want about yourself, but that won't change my feelings for you. Or your feelings. As I have already made abundantly clear to you before, you can't get rid of me. I'm here. I'll be there when we kill Danarius, and I'll be there when you figure out who you are."

I sigh. _I suppose it is her choice…_ "Fair enough." Then my lips turn up slightly.

"We'll work out the rest." Hawke looks down at her robes and winkles her face up. "Ew! What is all this black stuff?! Your floors are disgusting!" She screams and flails her arms in an attempt to get off some of the black goo that is streaked all over her blue robes.

This makes me laugh hysterically. I bend over, holding my stomach.

"This isn't funny! It's so gross! You ruined my clothes!" Her voice is high pitched and irate.

"If I recall correctly, it was you who threw me on the ground." I say still laughing.

She balls her hands into fists and growls. "ARGH! You're right… But it's your fault the floors are so dirty and that you're so hot I wanted to throw you on the ground." She pauses and then burst out laughing at herself.

"At least you had all your clothes on, I can't imagine what my back looks like right now." I shake my head, smiling.

Her eyes widen. "That's so gross!" She moves to the door. "Okay, okay, I am going home to attempt to save these robes before it's too late. Go take a bath." She giggles.

"Alright." I grin widely and open the door for her.


	7. Aggravating Interrogation

**This section is a lot of fun, the companions love making Fenris uncomfortable. I especially enjoyed writing this because Isabela and Merrill are amazing. I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 2nd

 _Why did I ever think it was a good idea to come down here?_ I grumble to myself.

This morning, I woke up early, wanting to do something but not feeling like disturbing Hawke. And especially not wanting to have to talk to her family. So, I decide to venture into the Elven Alienage. I was hopeful that I could track down some of the thugs that make the place so perilous to its inhabitance. What I found was much worse.

"Fenris! Are you listening to me at all?" Merrill chimes. "Okay then, I'll tell it again, just in case you weren't listening. You see, yesterday I saw someone get mugged! It was fascinating! No one has mugged me yet… Do you think they don't like me? Fenris, have you been mugged since you've been here?"

"No Merrill. I haven't been mugged." I say through gritted teeth. _Why won't she quit following me?_ I pick up my pace as I head out of the Alienage, but she hops along after me.

"I'm sorry… Oh! I have an idea!" Her eyes grow even larger than they normally are. "We could mug each other!"

I turn and face her. "Do you hear yourself when you speak?"

She looks puzzled. "Well, yes. Kind of. But not the same way I hear you, it's different. Doesn't everybody?"

I roll my eyes and resume walking. "Never mind."

"You don't talk very much Fenris. Do you talk more to everyone else? I know you don't like that I'm a blood mage, but you can still talk to me you know. I still like you." She smiles brightly.

"I talk to Hawke." I tell her. "Shouldn't you be getting back home?"

"Nope. I'd much rather come with you." She catches up to walk in step beside me. "You do always sit next to Hawke, and do what she says, and follow her around, and look at her when she's not looking. Are you and Hawke a couple?"

My ears burn red. I try to hide how uncomfortable I am. "What?!" _How do I even answer that? Are we actually a couple? Is anyone supposed to know about it? I don't always do what she says… She just happens to sometimes say reasonable things, and I go along with them…_

"You know. Like what Isabela does, but with only Hawke, and you love each other. I'm explaining this poorly… But you know what I mean." Merrill looks at me expectantly.

"Merrill." I growl and glare at her. _She has no right to ask me this. And I have no answer._

"Please tell me? Hawke's so beautiful, I can't imagine why you wouldn't love her. She talks about you all the time. I just wanna know." She clasps her hands together beseeching me. "Anders asked me if I knew, and I told him to go ask Isabela, but I don't really think she knows either."

I stop walking. "Why did Anders ask you that?"

"Didn't you know? He's in love with Hawke too!" Merrill gushes.

 _That bottom feeding abomination!_ I ball my fingers up into fists, appalled at the thought of his hands all over Hawke. _Of course he is! I bet he's thinking about her right now! Well, he can't have her._ My rage rises, bringing with it the burn in my markings. _She deserves better than either of us, but at least I'm not possessed by a demon! If Hawke is going to be with anyone, it won't be him!_

Merrill cocks her head slightly to the side, looking concerned. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No. Thank you for telling me." I redirect my course towards Darktown, heading straight for Anders' clinic.

Merrill runs in front of me and holds out her arms to block me. "Stop! What are you going to do?"

"Move Merrill. It's none of your business." I say, still livid.

"You can't go fight Anders!"

I chuckle darkly. "I can." I try to move around her, but she draws her staff and shoves me back with it.

"Fenris, if you do, Hawke will be mad. And that doesn't help anyone!" Merrill pleads.

 _Ugh. She has a point._ I cross my arms and glower at her.

"You should just tell Hawke that you love her, first!" She beams.

 _I am not doing that either._ "No, Merrill."

She crosses her arms mirroring me. "Oh, alright. I'm just trying to help."

"Why are you trying to help me? You know how I feel about your kind."

"Well, Hawke is the best friend I've ever had, and I want her to be happy. I think she could be, with you. The way you look at her with those puppy eyes, I know you love her." Merrill titters.

"There are no puppy eyes." I squint at her.

She giggles. "Yes, there are. Oh! But you didn't say you didn't love her, or that you weren't a couple. I knew it! This is so exciting! I have to go tell Isabela!" Merrill dashes off eagerly.

I scratch my forehead and stand there, stunned. _Well, that happened. Whatever that was._ I resume making my way through Lowtown, past the shabby merchant stands and the cracked walls. _Merrill is so clueless. Ugh. But she's right… I can't really kill Anders… I'm sure there is going to be plenty said over this. Can't say I would hate it if it got around to him… How dare he entertain the idea of being with Hawke. He's out of control._ I make my way toward the exit of Lowtown. _Since this plan went so well, I think I'll call it a day and go home. Perhaps Hawke will call on me later._ As I begin climbing the stairs leading out of this dump, I hear footsteps running up behind me. _Fasta vass. What now?_

"Wait! Fenris! Look, I've found Isabela!" Merrill's voice calls out.

 _AAARRGGGHH!_ I want to scream and punch straight through a wall. Still, I keep my face expressionless as I turn to face the women. I raise an eyebrow at Merrill.

"I've told Isabela everything! We came runnin' from the Hanged Man." Merrill's eyes shine with excitement, and she clasps her hands in front of her.

Mischief plays all over Isabela's face, and she twists her lips. "So… Fenris, she beat me to you, did she?" Her words flow as smooth as silk. "Do you think Hawke would mind sharing?"

"Isabela!" Merrill says, turning to face her, incredulous.

Looking sweetly back at Merrill, Isabela replies, "Don't worry Kitten, you know how I like to joke." She winks at me over her shoulder, making it clear that she wasn't actually joking. "Isn't he sexy though?"

Merrill blushes bright red. "Oh! I don't know… I couldn't really say. I haven't been paying attention."

 _One woman is enough trouble as it is. The last thing I need is another one. Although… If I had to pick a second… No, definitely not._

"Anyway, what is it about Hawke that keeps you up at night?" Isabela asks coyly. "What's her secret? What's she good at?" She wiggles her eyebrows.

Merrill's eyes, as large as saucers, just look at me eagerly.

 _Why is it always the questions? I never have answers…_ "I don't see why I should tell you anything." I cross my arms angrily.

"Because! You must! We're your friends, and—" Merrill is cut off by Isabela.

Isabela gasps and leans back on her heels. "You haven't slept with her yet!"

"What?! I… Well… Wh…" Fragments of words spill from my mouth, and my markings itch with my mortification. _I'm so sick of this always happening! Can't they ever just leave me alone?!_

"But why? Is there something wrong with you?" Isabela plants her hands on her hips. "Hawke's told me she's more than willing."

I shake my head to regain my composure. "No! There is nothing wrong with me! I just don't like to be touched! Venhedis, woman! What do you two want from me?!" I yell at them.

Shuffling backwards Merrill squeaks, "Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!"

Isabela holds her ground and chuckles. "It's just a question, you don't have to scream." She pauses and clicks her tongue. "I bet you would though. Never mind, that's a conversation for another, much drunker, time."

I growl quietly. _It never ends._

"Is there anything you'd tell us that wouldn't require you to kill us?" Isabela smiles.

 _Fine. If it'll shut them up._ "I care about Hawke. I plan to remain at her side." I tell them as I continue to glare.

Isabela and Merrill exchange a thrilled look, then Isabela speaks. "That's all we wanted to know!" She grabs Merrill's hand and they dash off towards the Hanged Man giggling.

 _So nosey. What are these people?_ I blink after them, perplexed. I sigh. _I suppose this is just my life now; I had better get used to them. Ugh. At least they aren't Anders…_

I head straight back towards my house, maintaining a brisk pace to dissuade anyone else from approaching me. When I finally make it through the door, I cast my sword, armor, and rigid demeanor aside, inexplicably exhausted from the run ins with my 'friends'. My feet carry me into the room with all the boxes; I grab a bottle of wine and return to the foyer to collapse on the stairs. _So much for having a productive day all by myself. It's hardly the afternoon, and I just want to sleep and forget any of this happened._ I rip the cork out of the wine bottle and take a drink. _At least I have this. Wine, now that's a true friend._ I take another sip and lean my head back on the stairs. Gazing upwards at the spider webs, my eyes trace all corners of the ceiling. _That might be the cleanest part of this house… I should probably do something about that… Eh. It's fine the way it is._ Continuing to lay here in silence, I drain all but a few drops from the bottle.

After a little while, I hear the front door creak open. I lift my head to observe who ever caused the noise. Unsurprisingly, Hawke sticks her head through the door and looks over at me.

"Can I come in?" She asks, smiling.

"Sure." I sit upright on the stairs.

She walks over and takes a seat on the steps beside me. "What are you doing? Felt like brooding somewhere other than your chair?" She teases.

 _I don't brood…_ "Your friends wore me out. I didn't feel like actually climbing the stairs." I tell her honestly.

She snorts with amusement. "Speaking of them, they're the reason I stopped by."

 _Perfect. What in Thedas did they tell her?_ "Why am I not surprised?" I shake my head.

"They were all very excited to talk to me about our relationship. You can imagine my confusion." She grins.

I lay back and let my head rest on the steps again. Exasperated and buzzed enough to not really care anymore, I say, "I can assure you, they jumped to wild conclusions all by themselves. I was just there for them to pester."

She laughs. "Well, I didn't think you'd gone off bragging about landing me. I imagine it went more like this: they ran up to you, followed you around, asked you questions nonstop, possibly black mailed you or tried to drug you, and you growled at them so they took that as a sign that we were a couple."

I chuckle in response. "That, is actually pretty accurate."

"Thank you for letting them live. I'm sure it was hard for you." She leans back, propping an elbow on the stair above her.

I look at her with fake sadness in my eyes. "Hawke, you have no idea how difficult it is! I had my hands right around their hearts but then I thought, mmm better not."

"You poor thing! What good self-control you have!" She declares, her voice high and full of mockery.

I laugh and drink the last drops of wine from the bottle I'm holding.

Her eyes rove across my face, deep in thought for a moment. "I like seeing you this relaxed. You should be drunk all the time."

I cut my eyes at her. "I am."

This catches her off guard. She snorts and covers her nose as her face turns red.

 _How cute._ "No, it takes a lot to get me drunk. Rarely happens." I look over at her, suddenly serious. "Hawke?"

"Yes, Fenris?" She replies, concern in her eyes.

"Did you know that you are incredibly beautiful?" _Wait. I said that out loud. Maybe I am drunk._

Her cheeks blush even more red but this time she doesn't try to hide it. She tucks a piece of her silky black hair behind her ear. "I'm called irritating, sarcastic, and scary every day. Isabela says I'm sexy, just like her. But beautiful? That's not something I'm used to hearing." She grins widely. "But, if there was ever someone I wanted to hear say that, it's you. Thank you."

"I'm not just saying it… And the maleficar agrees." I scratch absently at my neck. _Why are insults so much easier?_

"Ah, I do believe it goes by Merrill around here." Hawke sasses.

I roll my eyes. "Fine. Merrill. Either way, it's true. You are."

"Flatterer." She winks at me.

I just shrug and gaze back up at the ceiling. _That didn't go horribly. She is hard to read sometimes though… She's snarky about nearly everything._

"Do you like laying on these nasty stairs, or can we go somewhere else?" Hawke asks.

I lift my head again. "We can move." Standing to my feet, I lead her upstairs.

As we arrive at the top of the landing, she cuts in front of me and makes a b-line through the door and over to the bed.

 _Oh, dear._

"Have you even used this bed at all?! It's covered in dust!" Hawke stares at me in disbelief.

My eyebrows knit together. "I don't sleep much; the chair is sufficient."

"Uh-huh. And I know you don't use it for anything else…" Her voice trails off in a whisper. She turns her gaze back to the bed and pulls the blanket off, dropping it on the floor. Then she flips the two pillows over. "There! Much better! Hardly any dust at all. Well, okay, no, but there is less dust than before." She beams triumphantly.

"Congratulations." I say blandly. _Good, a part of my house that I don't use is slightly cleaner than it was before. Yay._

Her face drops to exasperation. "You should be grateful you have this! Look how nice it is!" She climbs in the bed and lays on the left side, facing me. "This is really comfortable! Do you know how I get to sleep?"

I shake my head no.

"I, sleep on the top bunk of three. It's half this size, has only a blanket lining the wooden frame, AND I have to share it with Carver! I don't know if you've seen his arms, but he takes up a lot of space! He also kicks me." Hawke rants.

I scrunch up my face. "You sleep with your brother?"

She glares at me. "Ew, not like that. But still, tell no one."

"I didn't mean like that… Anyway, that's rough. I am sorry." I shuffle my feet. "I… I'm not used to having anything. I guess I'm not comfortable with it because it's new to me."

She nods and pats the space beside her. "At least give it a try. You don't even have to sleep here, just come sit with me."

 _I don't suppose it could hurt._ I walk over to her and climb into the other side of the bed. I sit up with my back against the head board. "Not bad."

"See?" She smiles. "Just because you never had it before doesn't mean you can't enjoy it now. You've been through torture that I can't even imagine, Fenris. You deserve to have anything you want."

 _That's where she's wrong._ "It doesn't feel like I deserve anything." I look away and clench my jaw.

Her voice fills with sadness, "You've survived so much, yet you haven't become a monster. That means a lot."

"In what way have I not become a monster? I've killed innocent people just because my _master_ told me to. I know nothing of who I am. I might appear to be free, but rage owns me. I can never seem to break away from it." I squeeze my fists tightly, driving my fingernails into my flesh.

Hawke sits up and turns to me, her face steeled. "You are not a monster. Look how far you've come. Fenris, look me in the eye and tell me you don't care what happens to other people. You're so angry because of how much you care! Sure, you have your own, justified, personal vendetta; but since I've known you, you have saved the lives of dozens of people, and not just slaves. We all have a lot of blood on our hands, and nothing I can say can change that, but the things in your past do not make you a monster now!"

I face her, all my thoughts conflicted. "Hawke, you don't know everything that has happened! You can't possibly understand the horrors I fight inside my head! The things I have to remember! I don't know if I'm capable of living a normal life, or any life! It's all I can do to keep from ripping myself apart!" I scream.

"The fact that you're fighting it, the fact that you're trying so hard, proves that you aren't a monster!" She yells back, getting right in my face.

"But I don't even know if it's worth fighting for!" I slam my fist against the head board.

"Well, I have to believe that it is! Because Fenris, I've fallen in love with you and I NEED you around!" She shrieks.

I freeze, my heart beating in my throat. _What? In love with me… How… How is that possible? What…?_

Looking frightened, Hawke folds her hands in her lap and speaks softly, "I'm sorry… Don't take that the wrong way… I just… I need you to understand how important you are."

 _I don't know how to process this…_ "Hawke…" I try to speak, but I can't find any words.

She looks about nervously. "Don't say anything. I didn't mean to tell you that… It was… Never mind. I'll leave you alone." She starts to get up.

"Stay." I tell her before she can climb out of the bed.

She turns back to me. "Are you sure?"

I nod yes, my mind still in a whirl. She moves back to sit beside me, leaning against the headboard. _Did she mean that? Could someone actually love me?_ We sit in the quiet for a while. I just listen to our breathing and try not to think. After what feels like ages, I decide to break the silence. "Hawke?" _Whether she meant it or not, it is so nice to hear… I have to say something so that she doesn't think I'm upset with her._

"Yes?" She replies without looking at me.

"Were you trying to seduce me before I started yelling at you?" I turn my head and offer her a slight smile.

She returns it with a coy one of her own. "Me? I would never."

We both snicker and finally start to relax.

After a few seconds, she speaks again. "Fenris?"

"What is it?" I look at her questioningly.

"Can I hold your hand?" She asks cautiously.

"No." I say. Instead I scoot closer and put my arm around her. I pull her to my side. Thanks to my tunic, I can enjoy this without pain from my markings.

"Thank you." She snuggles her head against my chest.

We sit there in silence as time passes and it grows dark. I just hold her, and she leans against me. Several times I almost speak, but it feels too nice to ruin it with words. After a few hours, Hawke falls asleep. I lightly kiss her forehead and then close my eyes to sleep as well. _I never thought I could enjoy something like this, or that I would ever be this close to someone._


	8. Afflicted Conviction

**This chapter reveals Fenris' convicting thoughts and more about why he acts the way he does. This is accompanied by some more whimsical Varric and Isabela. Enjoy!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 3rd

My eyes snap open as I hear knocking on the front door. I blink a few times and roll my neck; it's a little sore, but I don't mind. Looking down at Hawke in my arms, I smile. We hardly moved at all last night. _I could get used to this. Maybe this is what it's like to have a real life._ The knocking sounds out again. _Ugh. Why does someone always have to bother me?_ Carefully, I move my arms away from Hawke and gently lay her head on the pillow, doing my best not to wake her up. Then, I stand to my feet and go downstairs to answer the door.

Pulling the door open, I grumble, "What?"

Varric stands there, crossbow in hand. "Good morning Fenris! I just stopped by to see how you were doing and let you know that I paid everyone off. No one should try to evict you for a while."

"That's kind of you. I appreciate it." I nod to him, less frustrated.

"What can I say? I'm just that _kind_ of Dwarf." He laughs while I just stare at him. "It's humor Fenris. You'll figure it out one day."

"Who's at the door?" Hawke asks as she walks out of the bed chamber and leans on the banister. Her hair sticks up in all directions, the blood smear she wears on her nose has migrated to her left cheek, and her robes are hopelessly winkled.

"Oh, Hawke!" Varric exclaims. He looks her up and down, looks at me, and smirks. "Good for you!" he says to her, giving her a thumbs up.

 _Of course. It's always sex with these people. Ugh._ I just stand there and look at him blankly.

Hawke burst out laughing and leans over the banister.

"Well, I was about to go looking for you, Hawke, but it seems that won't be necessary now." Varric steps inside and pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket.

"What do you have there?" Hawke asks straightening up.

"An interesting letter addressed to you that I found on Gamlen's desk." He unfolds the piece of paper.

 _These people have no concept of personal space in the slightest. I suppose he is a rogue, so it's to be expected when it comes to this sort of thing._

"It seems that a templar has gone missing. Supposedly, we can receive more information from a woman near the Chantry. Now, I don't know about you, but this sounds like just the kind of mystery that we would enjoy solving." Varric grins widely.

Hawke returns his smile. "You know I can't turn down the prospect of coin and an adventure with my favorite Dwarf."

"Great! Meet me and Isabela in the courtyard of the Chantry whenever you two are done… Doing what it is you were doing." He steps back out the door.

"Sounds like plan." Hawke calls out enthusiastically. "Can't promise we'll make it quick!"

 _Don't encourage him._

"Alright, I'll see you both later. Have fun." Varric chuckles. He grabs the door knob and shuts the door behind him as he exits.

I make eye contact with Hawke's smug face and then turn to bash my forehead against the doorframe. _It appears I will be embarrassed in some way, every day, for the rest of my life._

"Hey! Stop that!" Hawke yells through her laughter.

I glare at her for a moment and then hit my head against the doorframe a final time.

She drums her fingers against the banister. "I don't see why you're so upset. What's it matter if he thinks we slept together?" She flashes me a mischievous look. "Technically, we did _sleep_ together."

I roll my eyes at her and begin climbing the stairs. As I pass her and reenter the bedchamber, I just growl. _Because, he'll tell Isabela, and she'll take one look at me and know it didn't happen. Then she'll be frustrated and interrogate me again. I don't know if I can handle another grilling for a while._

"Okay, be that way." Her voice drips with sarcasm. She follows me.

"You can get cleaned up in there." I point to a door on the right side of the room.

She nods and approaches it. Looking back over her shoulder she purrs, "What, not going to join me?"

I sigh and shake my head no. _She has no idea how much I want to._

"I figured as much." She crinkles her nose with amusement. "But hey, can you really blame me for trying?" Then she disappears inside the room.

I head downstairs to retrieve my armor. _Perhaps one day I will be everything she needs. When I stop being such a wreck. If the pain from my markings was my only problem… The memories of what was too often done to me ruin so much of the passion I wish I could show her._ I fasten on my chest plate. _Life was so revolting as a slave, and so was I. I can't imagine her still wanting me to touch her in that way if she knew the extent of Danarius' ownership over me. There's no way I could make love to her without her knowing; but I can't tell her. I can hardly admit it to myself. If only I could have just been what everyone thought I was, a body guard, instead of his own personal—_ I slam my palm against the wall. _NO! VENHEDIS! I can't change it. He'll pay eventually… Things will be different when I know he's dead. If things change… When I'm stronger I'll tell her, and then it'll be her decision as to if she'll still have me._ My hands slip into my gauntlets. _Until then, I am so glad that I have her. She dulls the pain in a way nothing ever has. I believe she's fixing me… I can't imagine what I would do if she ever fell prey to a demon... She's so much stronger than the others, I don't see it being likely._ I pick up my sword and place it on my back, then take a seat on the steps to wait for Hawke. _Even if she decides she doesn't want me and becomes involved with someone else, as hard as that would be, I think she would still stay in my life. I could eventually handle that._

After a little bit, she emerges. Her black silken hair damp and loose around her shoulders; I've never seen it out of its ponytail. All traces of her signature blood smear are gone, and her face is clear of anything that might hide her true features. _She looks so lovely._ Most of the winkles have been flattened out of her robes, but the larger ones remain.

"So, I did the best I could. I still look like it's time for the walk of shame." She muses, making her way down the stairs.

I stand to my feet and smile at her. "I disagree."

"Thanks." She replies disbelievingly. "Ready to go?"

I nod and open the door to let her out. We make our way to the Chantry courtyard and join up with Varric and Isabela. _Please don't let them say anything._

Isabela immediately raises an eyebrow at Hawke. "This is different. Why the sudden change in appearance?"

Varric interjects, "I think she's trying something new to impress Broody. If what you're doing isn't working…" He shrugs his shoulders humorously.

 _Broody?! Ugh… Why does everyone think I brood? I do not… But, he didn't sell us out, I do have to give him that._

"Ha ha. Very funny." Hawke puts her hands on her hips. "This is how I woke up today. Carver said I looked horrible, so naturally, I had to go out like this to spite him. Can't have him wanting to be seen with me." Hawke jokes.

Isabela takes the bait. "Fair enough. If you want to be rid of Carver for a night or two, I could take him off your hands."

"Ew!" Hawke makes a choking sound. "Never say anything like that to me again."

"He's more interested in Merrill." I say. _If I must listen to all this I may as well say something._

All eyes snap onto me. Varric smirks, Isabela's jaw drops, and Hawke exclaims, "What?!"

 _Aaaand I should have stayed quiet._ "I thought it was obvious. He's very taken with her."

Isabela crosses her arms. "Now it's really on. No way he can have Kitten."

Hawke cringes. "How about, no one screws my little brother?"

Turning her eyes to Hawke, Isabela says, "How about I just don't tell you? I am not letting Merrill get there first."

"How about we do what we came here to do, and Isabela does Carver later?" Varric cuts in.

 _That would be great!_ "I'm with the Dwarf."

"Fine." Isabela concedes.

Varric gestures towards a woman in the center of the courtyard. "I believe that she's who we are looking for. Macha, I think is her name."

"No time to waste then!" Hawke says striding over to the woman. We follow in a cone behind her.

"Hello. A little bird told me that you could use some assistance." Hawke addresses Macha.

Macha's eyes grow wide. "Oh, yes! It's my brother Keran. He's stopped writing me, and I'm dreadfully afraid that something awful has happened to him. He just recently became a templar, but he writes me every day. Well… He did."

"Ah, your brother. Are you certain he isn't just shacking up with your best friend?" Hawke cuts her eyes at Isabela who holds her hands up innocently.

"Um… Yes. I'm quite sure." Macha replies, confused. "I have a bad feeling that Knight-Commander Meredith has caused something to happen to him."

"It isn't out of the realm of possibilities." Varric says.

Macha trembles slightly. "Would you mind talking to the Templar recruits in the Gallows to see if they know anything? If they know where he is, that would make me feel so much better."

"Sure, we'll take care of it." Hawke assures her.

 _What could possibly go wrong? It isn't like Hawke's an apostate or anything…_

As we trek to the gallows, I fall in step beside Hawke. "Are you sure it's wise to be addressing Templars in the Gallows considering you're a mage?"

"Fenris. If the idiot Templars in this city haven't figured out I'm a mage by now, they never will. I'm pretty sure I've casted in front of some of them. We're fine." She answers, confident.

"It still makes me nervous," I tell her, keeping my face expressionless. _This is still so strange. My gut tells me I should turn her in, but I could never do it. In fact, I'd rip the hearts out of any Templars who so much as looked at her funny. Now Anders, that's a different story; if only she wouldn't be furious…_

"Aw! You're worried about me!" Hawke grins in my direction.

I look at her blankly for a moment and then return my eyes to the path ahead of me. _Of course, I'm worried about her!_

She giggles.

As we enter, it isn't difficult to spot the Templar recruits. The huge identical suits of armor give them away; three stand talking under an overhanging. We approach them, and they instantly fall silent.

Hawke swaggers up to them and plants a hand on her hip. "So, which one of you is going to tell me what happened to Keran?"

One of the recruits replies, "Um… We aren't supposed to talk to anyone."

"You already failed on that front, may as well just tell me now." Hawke smiles.

 _She is so good at getting what she wants._

"You can't, Hugh! We'll get in trouble with Meredith." A second recruit urgently whispers to the first.

Hugh looks conflicted for a moment and then bursts out, "I don't care! Keran and Wilmod are my friends. If there's a chance you can find them and the others, I'll tell you anything."

"The others?" Isabela asks.

"Yes, a bunch of recruits have gone missing. Meredith has been forcing them do some kind of initiation, and a lot don't come back from it." Hugh wrings his hands.

 _That sounds far from promising._

The other recruit butts in, "That's not true. Wilmod came back, he just had to leave the city to clear his head. He's camped just outside, on the Wounded Coast."

"How interesting. That's all, thank you!" Hawke turns on her heels and strides away. We hurry to catch up to her. "Looks like we're bound for the wounded coast!"

"See, Hawke? I told you this would be a great mystery to solve!" Varric moves to her side.

"You were right. I honestly don't have the slightest idea what is going on!" Hawke chuckles. "I hope Wilmod has some answers."

After a long walk, we finally reach the Wounded Coast. I check my feet for lacerations; thankfully, they are uninjured.

We round a corner and in front of us is Knight-Captain Cullen and a man who can only be Wilmod. Cullen yells at him and knocks him to the ground, drawing his sword.

Hawke rushes forward. "What are you doing?! Stop!"

Cullen glares at her. "This doesn't concern you! Stay out of Templar business!"

While he's distracted, Wilmod leaps up. "This is the last time you will threaten me!" Wilmod convulses. His skin melts off and is replaced by a blackish-purple filth. His body twists into that of a large grotesque shade. He looms over Cullen and lets out an unsettling cry.

 _It's always demons! Always!_ I draw my sword and ready myself for battle.

Hawke and Cullen lock eyes, scream, and jump backwards. As they pull out their weapons, three abominations rise from the ground and charge us. Not paying the slightest heed to anyone else, I dash forward towards the shade. Running, I activate my markings, leap into the air and bringing my blade down into the shade's head. I impale it straight through and down into its neck. It shrieks and thrashes wildly, attempting to throw me off. I hang on tightly to my blade and twist it inside the shade's head. Furious, the shade reaches for me and wraps its hand around my midsection. It squeezes painfully hard, forcing air from my lungs and bending my spine backwards. Griping the hilt even tighter, I find purchase against its neck with my feet. All at once, I stop resisting, push off with my feet, and rip my sword out of the shade's skull. It releases me, and I crash onto my back on the ground. The shade slams its arm down, striking me just below my chest plate, knocking out what little air remains in my lungs. I gasp in vain for a breath, and I'm too disoriented to defend myself. As the burn in my chest intensifies, my vision fades. Desperate, I struggle to pull myself away from the demon. It hits me against the side of my head, flipping me onto my stomach. My ears ring, and it's all I can do to stay conscious. Suddenly, my head clears, the pain subsides, and I'm able to stand.

"Better?" Hawke calls over her shoulder as she sets an abomination on fire.

"Yes!" I yell back.

My attention remains on the shade. _Never again, demon._ I let out a battle cry and activate my lyrium ghost, fading from view. It whips its head around, searching for me. I sprint around it, swing my blade, and slice cleanly into its side. With lightning fast recoil, my sword is back in front of me. Before the shade can retaliate, I am on its other side. I swipe at it again; this time my blade goes straight through to the other cut. Silent, the shade's body splits in two. Its top half falls backwards with a plop onto the ground. _So much for Wilmod._ My eyes scan the area; I locate Isabela engaged with a hefty abomination just to my right. I join her without the creature's notice. She winks at me and flips around behind it. As the abomination begins to turn to follow her, I stab my sword through its chest. At the same moment, Isabela drives her daggers through each of its sides. We quickly twist our blades and withdraw them, stepping backwards in sync. The abomination drops to the ground between us.  
Isabela grins widely. "That was fun! Look at us working together like that. You'd think we were lovers!"

 _No. You'd think we had fought together before. Which we have._ I look around; the rest of the abominations have fallen, and we appear to be safe for the moment. _I appreciate being healed… but I still can't stand the thought of magic being used on me…_

"It's a good thing you came along after all." Cullen says, putting away his sword. "Wilmod was acting strangely… I was concerned for him, but I never expected this."

"Most people don't suspect Templars of secretly being demons." Hawke shrugs. "I came here to talk to him about some kind of initiation ritual Meredith has been sending recruits through. We're trying to find another one, Keran, I assume you're familiar. Could Meredith have had something to do with this?"

Cullen shakes his head. "No, I don't believe so. The initiation is just a silent vigil; the only danger there is falling asleep."

Varric approaches them. "Alright, but what aren't you telling us Curly?"

"Well, the last place Keran was seen was the Blooming Rose brothel, and that's where Wilmod had just come from. I need to investigate more there but… Well… I'm not entirely comfortable questioning the… Um… _Ladies_ of the establishment," Cullen reluctantly admits.

Isabela laughs and struts over to him. With nothing better to do, I follow and stand beside Varric.

"How cute! You don't have to be shy love. You can just say whores." Isabela leans towards him. "You don't have to go there do you? I bet you get whatever you want for free."

Cullen backs away from her nervously. "I… Err… Well…" He scratches his head looks up at the sky. "It's cloudy today."

Isabela straightens up and looks at me. "I don't believe it! He's worse than you!"

"Isabela." I growl at her.

Hawke giggles. "Sorry about that Cullen. We'll check out the brothel for you. Seems more like our kind of place anyway."

 _Our kind of place?_ "Speak for yourself." I wrinkle my nose.

Isabela and Varric make eye contact and burst out laughing.

"Yes, laugh, very funny." I glare at them.

"Okay, fine." Hawke smirks. "It's Isabela's kind of place."

"Hey!" Isabela's head snaps towards her.

Cullen awkwardly nudges a rock with his foot. "Well, thank you…"

"You're welcome. I would say 'any time!' but no, only when you're paying." Hawke smiles. "Let's go everyone."

 _It appears that we are going to be trapesing back and forth across the world today. Ugh. I would much rather it just be Hawke and I…_

Hawke starts leading the way back to Hightown, and I follow with the others. When we're a good distance away from Cullen, she turns her attention to me. "See? They're stupid. If he was any good at his job, he would have arrested me for magic as soon as the battle was over."

"Still, you shouldn't be careless." I tell her. For some reason my mind wanders to the night we kissed. _I wish I could do that again… Without it being so… Complicated. If I could make her mean nothing to me, it would be easy. I know that I love her and that makes it worse. Now, even if did work through some of my screwed-up issues, I could never just_ use _her as a distraction. She has to know everything first. The only way we could ever be in that kind of a relationship is if I knew it would make things better for her and not worse. That night, kissing her, was the best feeling I've ever known. I'd like to get back there. Even if it's a long time from now._

"What, in the Maker's jeweled balls, are you thinking about?"

I snap out of my thoughts and look down at Varric who is gazing at me with one eyebrow raised.

"Yes, you. And don't even try to tell me that's just your face. I've seen you brood before, but this, is a whole new level." Varric deliberates.

 _What am I doing? I've gotten into my thoughts way too far. Now is not the time. Hmm… Ugh. That's better. Let's stick with general irritation._

"He looks like Aveline does when she's judging my life decisions." Isabela grins.

I give Isabela an annoyed look. "Funny, that's exactly what I was doing."

She opens her mouth wide in surprise. "Ooo, I knew you thought about me." She purrs.

"I do. Mostly I think, that pirate disgusts me." I smirk.

"Ah! So, you've discussed me." Isabela laughs.

Varric shakes his head. "That was a bad joke, even for you Isabela."

"I thought it was funny." Hawke tosses over her shoulder.

"Thanks, Love. See Varric? Hawke likes me best." Isabela teases.

Varric crosses his arms. "I hate to break it to you Isabela, but it wasn't you Hawke spent the night with last night."

 _Vishante kaffas dwarf!_ I clench my fists.

"What?!" Isabela's eyes widen hugely. She looks at Hawke, then at me, hesitates, and then looks back to Hawke. "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were going to sleep with Anders! Did he do the fun thing with the electricity?"

"It wasn't Anders!" I snap through my rage, unable to catch myself. _Oh no._

Hawke turns around, eyebrows high.

Isabela gasps. "But…" She looks me up and down, squinting. "No way."

"It's true." Hawke tells her in a bragging tone.

Isabela fiddles with her lip ring, still looking unconvinced. "Hmmm… I've never been wrong before. But I suppose there's a first time for everything. Clearly." She smiles slyly. "You'll have to tell me everything. And I mean everything. I've been wondering about the lower-half of those tattoos."

"And you will continue to wonder." I glare harshly at her. _Pervert._

Rolling her eyes, Isabela starts again, "Anyway, Hawke, let me tell you about the electric thing Anders does."

"Oh, look, Hightown." I point ahead of us at the gates we're approaching, in an attempt to end the conversation. _Please, never tell me._

"No changing the subject!" Isabela says to me.

"He's right. You can tell me later." Hawke picks up her pace and heads into the city. "We should hurry, Keran might not have much time. We don't want him to end up like Wilmod."


	9. Bloody Vindication

**A continuation of the last mission and their search for the Templar recruit Keran. Enjoy! I'm sorry I didn't post this yesterday, I've been sick.**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 3rd

We hustle through Hightown until we reach the Blooming Rose in the Red Lantern District. Hawke pulls open the door, and we waltz inside. The entrance room is filled with long tables. Men and women sit at them as scantily clad prostitutes flaunt their bodies.

"Disgusting." I wrinkle my nose in revulsion. "Why people would pay to be touched is beyond me."

Isabela shrugs. "It's fun. I always come out about even."

Hawke approaches the nearest waitress. "Do you work here?"

"Yes, I'm Viveka. What can I do you for?" The waitress replies blandly.

"Wait, you're one of the _ladies_ who works here?" Hawke asks humorously.

Viveka crosses her arms and her face sours. "You're no prize yourself." She starts to walk away but turns back with a funny expression. "Wait, are you a Hawke?"

Hawke cocks her head slightly to the side. "Yes, in fact. Why?"

Viveka smirks. "Your brother Carver was just here."

"No no no no no!" Hawke grabs her hair with both hands.

 _Of course he was…_

"For quite a while." Viveka leans towards Hawke.

Hawke cringes and turns away from her. "Eww! I am telling mom!"

"With several different women." Viveka says spitefully.

Isabela starts laughing. "Get it Carver!"

Hawke straightens up still looking horrified. Her eyes move to Varric. "And I wonder why we're poor!"

I clear my throat loudly. "I believe we came here for a reason. I'm sorry your angsty brother is a man whore. Still, we're here for something important."

Varric steps forward towards Viveka. "Right." He pulls out a small coin purse and hands it to her. "This should be enough for you to tell us what you know about Keran and Wilmod. Two Templars who supposedly frequented this establishment."

Rolling her eyes, Viveka leads us over to the counter on our right. "I'll check our books." She flips through a few pages. "Yes, there were both here. I don't know how Wilmod had time to be a Templar at all. The recruits saw Idunna, The Exotic Wonder From The East." She says the title with distain.

I snort with disgust. _How lovely._

"Thank you, pretty lady." Varric says to her with a smile. He moves to face the rest of us. "Hawke, pull yourself together. We've found our girl."

Hawke makes a disgusted sound but nods. Varric takes the lead, and we go upstairs and into Idunna's room.

From the bed, Idunna calls over, "Come in, come in. Aren't you all gorgeous!"

Throwing her shoulders back, Hawke walks over to Idunna. "We have some questions about a couple of Templar recruits who have visited you."

Idunna rolls her eyes and pats the spot on the bed beside her. "Who needs questions, when we can have some real fun?"

"You're not my type." Hawke sasses back.

"Mmm? I can be whatever you want, what is your type?" The prostitute responds in a velvety voice.

"Him." Isabela points at me.

I growl at her, glaring.

"We need answers. What do you know about Keran and Wilmod?" Hawke says seriously.

"Who? Talking is boring, join me." Idunna says seductively.

"No more games!" Hawke shouts. "Lives could be at stake!"

Idunna stands up suddenly, fire in her eyes. "Who sold me out?"

Hawke stiffens, arms as straight as boards at her sides. She struggles as if she's in pain. "It… It was… Viveka."

 _What's going on?!_ I look at Varric and Isabela who return equally concerned expressions. None of us know what to do.

"That bitch!" Idunna clenches a fist. "Before I go, draw your blade… and gently bring it across your throat."

Hawke's arm shakes violently and she pulls a knife from her belt. She slowly brings it to her neck, her hand struggling with resistance.

 _NO!_ Before I can respond to stop her, she yells and forces her arm away. Her eyes burn with rage as she faces Idunna.

The prostitute's face fills with confusion and fear. "How did you-"

"I'm a mage; you think I can't fight blood magic?!" Hawke shoves Idunna against the wall.

"No please-" Idunna pleads.

Hawke punches her in the face and drives the knife between her ribs. Idunna gasps for a final breath of air as Hawke lowers her to the ground and withdraws the knife. Hawke stands up and turns around; with dark humor she says, "She won't be a problem anymore."

I smile proudly at her, relived that she's safe. _I never expected to be glad that she's a mage. If she wasn't familiar with those powers she would be dead now..._

"I found her journal!" Isabela exclaims, withdrawing a book from a drawer.

"Great Rivaini! Now let's get out of here." Varric says, moving to the door.

We all exit the Blooming Rose as quickly as possible without drawing unwanted attention. I take the lead and guide them to my mansion. Once we are safely inside and away from prying eyes, Isabela opens the journal and scans it.

"She's a blood mage, knew that much…" Her eyes quickly float across the pages. "Okay, so she's completely evil."

"What does it say?" Hawke asks.

"So, her goal was to sow rebellion in the templars by forcing demons to possess them and then allowing the possessed templars to return to the Order, to set up a future bloodbath. That explains Wilmod." Isabela shakes head her sadly.

I nod grimly. "Makes sense. If you're a blood mage who doesn't want to be put to death, take out your biggest threat from within. This is exactly the kind of thing I'm always concerned about."

Hawke looks into my eyes imploringly. "We aren't all the same."

My face softens as I return her gaze. "I'm realizing that."

"Is there anything else helpful in there?" Varric asks.

Isabela looks again at the book and flips a page. "Yes! A location… There's a blood mage hideout in Darktown, it's called the Sanctuary. Keran should be there now!"

"Finally, some luck! A real lead." Hawke grins at Varric. "We can solve this mystery after all!"

Varric chuckles. "Was there ever any doubt with us on the case?"

 _What makes them such great friends?_ I wonder.

"Let's not waste any more time." Isabela says cracking her knuckles. "You may have gotten to kill that evil whore, but all I've had is an abomination. I'm ready from some real fun."

 _Can't disagree with her there._

Hawke nods, and we exit my house. With determination, we stride out of Hightown and all the way to Darktown.

Upon entrance to the dusty rat infested crack of Kirkwall, Isabela says, "Since we're here, why don't we pick up Anders? He's a much better healer than Hawke. Could be useful."

 _Yuck._  
"Good idea Rivaini!" Varric exclaims.

Hawke sniffs indignantly. "I'm a good healer…"

Isabela pats her on the shoulder. "You know one healing spell. Just stick to lighting people on fire and being surprisingly strong, dear."

I roll my eyes. "Let's just go get him." _We'll end up doing it anyway. No need to waste time. Hmm… Maybe he'll die._

Isabela batts her eyelashes at me playfully. "I knew you liked him."

"I do not," I huff.

"But, we do need him," Hawke concedes.

We hurry to Anders' clinic. Isabela opens the door and yells, "Honey, I'm home!"

Anders looks up from his desk and smiles at her and then Hawke. "Party or battle time?"

"Why can't it be both?" Hawke sticks out her tongue lightheartedly.

Anders shrugs, grabs his staff, and walks over to us. "Either way, I'm in."

Hawke spins on her heels and leads us back out of the clinic. "Perfect!"

Turning to Anders, Isabela says, "Fenris missed you."

Anders and I glare at each other. _I will never like him._

With Isabela consulting the journal, we quickly make it to the blood mage Sanctuary. We wind through a couple of passages without incident and then as we round a corner, undead rise from the ground. They stumble towards us, and I draw my sword. Hawke waves me away and exchanges a smirk with Anders. They step forward. Hawke casts a tornado of fire that ignites the skeletons and knocks them to the ground in a heap. With a focused wave of his hands, Anders then releases an enormous bolt of lightning that reduces the living corpses to ash. Hawke giggles excitedly and high fives him.

 _Seriously?_ Anger bubbles up inside me, and I clench a fist. My face remains expressionless.

"That's how we do it!" Hawke beams.

"Excellent work, you two." Varric nods approvingly. "I would like to help with the next batch however."

Anders' face turns slightly sour. "You'll have your chance. Blood mages are desperate; I'm certain they'll be throwing a lot more at us. Why they feel they need to resort to consorting with demons is beyond me."

 _Says the mage that is literally possessed by a spirt right now._ I look at him incredulously. _Does he not realize how hypocritical that sounds coming out of his mouth?_

"You're probably right Blondie. Let's keep moving. Everyone stay cautious." Varric clutches Bianca tightly.

"Fenris, do you mind taking the lead?" Hawke asks me.

"Not at all." I move to the front and Hawke falls in step to my left, just slightly behind me.

 _Funny how they think I'm a tank when Aveline isn't here._

I guide everyone through a few more passages, and the path opens up into a large room. It's clear that many maleficarum take refuge here. Supplies and trash are mounded in piles. Bed rolls line the wall to my right. Most startling however, is the man who can only be Keran, who hovers far off the ground locked in a glowing cage of magic. His body is clenched tightly in the fetal position. As I step toward him, a woman runs into the room.

Glancing down at the journal, Isabela says, "Ah, you must be Tarohne. Finally, a face to associate with these wonderful things I've been reading."

"Shut up! I know you're here on behalf of the Templars!" Tarohne slams the butt of her staff on the ground and three abominations rise.

"No talking then? Drinks? Nothing? Alright, you brought this on yourself." Hawke spins her staff in her hands.

I charge the nearest abomination and swing my blade, cleanly slicing off a chunk of its head as it ducks. Enraged, the creature blasts me backwards with a force of magic. I stumble but remain on my feet and face it. The abomination casts a second round at me, but I slide under it. Stepping forward, I stab my sword straight through the monster. It gurgles an infuriated sound and slams its body against me. I fall backward, losing my grip on my weapon. _Kaffas!_ The abomination steps backwards, my sword lodged in its midsection, and it twists its hands, forming a ball of light. As I scramble to my feet and regain my composure, a bottle flies over my head and busts against my adversary. A fluid spills all over it, and its body falls limp.

"That one's on me Broody!" Varric's voice calls out from behind me.

 _Excellent timing Varric!_ I smile menacingly at the dazed abomination and fully activate the markings on my arms. I walk up to it, shove my hands into its head, and crush its skull between my palms. Extracting my blade, I let the lifeless creature fall to the ground.

I turn and find that one of the other abominations has been eliminated as well. Isabela and Hawke are engaged with the final one. Tarohne, dodging arrows and spells from Varric and Anders, screams out some kind of incantation and a female desire demon materializes in the center of the room. Hawke and Isabela finish off the abomination and whirl around.

"Hello!" Isabela exclaims. Her eyes rove the scandalous new demon, taking in nipple tassels and all.

"Now, that's just not fair. All these unrealistic expectations for women!" Hawke says jovially.

 _Sure, if you're into terrifying and demonic. I fail to see the appeal._ While everyone else is momentarily distracted, I dash forward, leap into the air, swing my blade, and hack its head off. The desire demon drops to the ground, and I give it a final stab through the chest to make sure it's dead.

Free of the demon's thrall, everyone turns their attention to Tarohne. She gasps and turns to run, but before she can manage a second step, Varric sends an arrow straight through her neck and she tumbles onto her face. With Tarohne dead, Keran lands on his feet, now free of his cage.

"Are you alright?" Hawke asks approaching him.

Keran straightens up, shaking. "Y-yes… I think so."

"But are you possessed?" I question him, walking up behind Hawke.

Keran shakes his head. "No! They were using me for energy, draining me. I was never possessed!"

"Well, there's one way to know for sure." Varric motions to Anders. "Would you like to do the honors?"

"Of course." Anders steps forward and hits Keran with a bolt of lightning.

Quaking violently for a moment, Keran cries out in pain. "Hey!"

"I'm sorry." Anders places a hand on the recruit's shoulder. "We had to be sure. But, you aren't possessed. If you were, the demon would have defended itself."

Keran pulls away from him. "Thank you for all your help. I thought I was going to die here." His face falls, distraught. "Please don't tell Cullen about any of this!" Then he runs off towards the exit of the Sanctuary.

 _Um… Alright then._

"Poor guy. Let's go plead his case with Cullen." Hawke suggests, scratching her head. "No reason for him to be penalized when his only crime was visiting the brothel."


	10. Obsequious Devotion

**I think this chapter pretty much speaks for its self ;) Enjoy!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 3rd

After convincing Cullen of Keran's innocence and parting ways with the rest of our group, Hawke walks me back to my house. This time, I don't bother to stop and ask if she wants to come in. I just hold the door open for her.

"Thank you!" Hawke smiles and steps into the foyer.

I close the door and follow her upstairs. When we enter the bed chamber, she turns to look at me. "Do you mind if I light the fire?"

"No, that'll be fine." I reply. _Nice of her to ask._

She flicks her wrist and fire lights the room. "Oh wow. I didn't realize you were that covered in blood!" She giggles.

I look down at myself. From finger-tip to wrist my hands and gauntlets are caked with blood; my tunic and armor are also thoroughly splattered. "Neither did I."

"Did you just stick your hands through somebody?" Hawke asks, humor in her eyes.

"Yes." I smile.

"Cool." She shakes her head. "Go get cleaned up. I'm pretty sure there's blood on your teeth, and I don't even know how you managed that."

I walk over to the door of the wash room. "If you insist."

As I close the door behind me, I hear Hawke call out, "I would hope you'd do that if didn't!"

 _A little blood doesn't hurt. It's not from darkspawn._ I pour water into the wash basin from the barrel. I remove my gauntlets and rinse the blood from them as well as from my hands. Setting them aside, I remove my chest plate and wipe it clean. I then regard myself in the mirror. _That won't do._ I splash water on my face and rid my skin and teeth of blood. _Well, since I'm here I might as well wash the tunic as well._ I undo the clasps and slip it off. After rinsing it out, I hang it on a hook to dry and reenter the bed chamber.

Hawke looks up at me from where she lays on the bed. Her eyes grow huge as they take in my bare chest. "Well, that's nice."

"I thought I should wash my tunic." I shrug. _Was there something else I should have said?_

She scoots to only take up the left side of the bed. "Good call. Want to sit?"

I walk over and join her on the bed. _Just start a conversation._ "Things went pretty well today. I'm glad we were able to get to that recruit in time."

"Mmmhmm." She murmurs absently. Her eyes explore my arms and torso. Slowly, they find their way back to my face. She looks at me strangely.

My heart begins to beat faster. "What?"

She nibbles on her bottom lip in thought and then speaks, "I… I know that the way you got these markings was horrible… And I don't in anyway condone it. But… I want you to know that I think they're beautiful. Your hair too… They don't make me think any less of you. I just see them as part of who you are… And so… I love them."

My forehead crinkles, and I blink at her. _They're slave's markings, a sign of ownership. A brand to remind me of what I was. They were intended to bring disdain upon me. How is it that she could find them… beautiful?_

"It might sound strange. But I mean it." Hawke looks at me seriously.

Returning her gaze, my face softens. I move my hand to her cheek and gently bring her into a slow kiss. The tattoos down my chin and neck buzz as I pull away from her lips.

She gasps slightly, her eyebrows high. "What…?"

I move my hand away from her face and nervously run it through my hair. "I didn't know a better way to say that." _I hope she didn't misunderstand my intention._

Hawke's face lights up, and she gives me the sweetest of smiles. "I don't think there is a better way."

Her kind eyes erase my unease, and I return her smile. _She certainly is something else._

"You know, you're the only man I've ever kissed." Her face turns slightly mischievous.

 _What? I just assumed someone as outgoing and beautiful as her would have had many suitors…_ "I find that hard to believe. Was it women then?"

Hawke's cheeks redden and she giggles. "No! Well… I did kiss Isabela one time but that was an accident and we were drunk. I don't even think she remembers."

I laugh. _That is not surprising in the slightest._ "I can't imagine how anyone could forget kissing you."

"That bad, huh?" She winks.

"Yes, the first time was so bad I had to try it again." I joke. My face returns to thoughtful. "I enjoy kissing you."

"The feeling is mutual, if you couldn't tell." Hawke rolls onto her stomach and props her chin on her hands. She looks at me questioningly. "Okay, your turn. How many people have you kissed? It's only fair for me to ask."

 _Somehow, I've ended up not minding prying questions when they come from her. Anything to talk to her a little while longer._ Enjoying my time with Hawke and not wanting to spoil it, I push away any dark thoughts from my time as a slave and say, "I really couldn't say. There have been none these past three years, but if there was anyone before I lost my memories I don't remember them. Since I escaped, you're the only one who has touched me and lived long enough to try." A corner of my mouth turns up slightly.

"Well then, lucky me!" Hawke gives an exaggerated grin, showing all her teeth.

I shake my head at her. "You're quite strange."

"You're welcome." She snickers and rolls onto her back again.

 _What a confusing yet wonderful woman._ "Will you be staying here tonight?" I ask, hoping she'll say yes.

She thinks for a moment before reluctantly replying, "No… I better not. If I'm gone too long, mom will break down everyone's doors until she finds me. Then when she does find me, she'll scold us to death for not telling her I was alive."

"Seems reasonable." I sit up a little more against the head board. "I can't remember my mother, but I'd like to think she'd do the same. It's good that she cares."

Her eyes trace the ceiling for a moment. "Yeah… I didn't think about that. I hate that you had to lose so much. It's no consolation, but you have me now."

 _I wish I could be more confident in that… It's a comforting thought. I appreciate how much she cares, but I can't know that I'll be able to stay here with her. I'll have no choice but to leave if my presence ever places her in too much danger. One day they'll come for me, and I plan to slaughter every last one of them, but I would return with them before I let anything happen to her. I would trade my life for hers. Never thought I would say that about anyone, much less a mage. But, as the one person who has showed me love and viewed me as something worthy, Hawke deserves that. I hope it never comes to it; I want to remain with her. Either way though, I should make the most of time we have together._

"Here." I hold out my hand to her.

She looks at it and then back at my face. I nod. She gently takes my hand between hers and runs her fingers across my palm. The markings near her touch quickly sting and light up. I clench my hand closed and then release it again.

"Is this okay?" Hawke asks with concern.

"Yes." I tell her, keeping my hand in hers. _This is the only way to get more comfortable with her._

Eyes moving back to my hand, she slowly traces each line trailing from my fingers to my wrist. When she reaches my pinkie finger, she returns to start again with my thumb. I close my eyes and try to keep my muscles from straining away from her. Each time she retraces a line, I can feel the pain lessen the slightest bit.

Still playing with my hand, Hawke breaks the silence, "Do you have any good stories?"

"I could tell you the history of the Mabari, since you have one," I offer.

She groans. "I said _good_ stories. Harley's great, but I couldn't care less where he originated from."

 _History has lots of good stories…_ I think for a moment. "Hmmm… One time I killed a mage by forcing his own staff up his butt."

Hawke bursts out laughing. "That's horrible! But also, amazing."

"That's about all I have… I never considered telling anyone about things that have happened. I'm fairly hopeless in this area." I shrug. _Things always just occur and then I move on. Who knew I would need to remember?_

"It was just fine for a start." She smiles. "My turn."

 _I'm sure this will be interesting._ "Why am I concerned about what you're about to say?"

Hawke bats her eyelashes at me. "I don't know. I'm always entirely appropriate."

"I think Aveline would disagree." I joke.

"And by Aveline, you mean you." Hawke shakes her head. "Now, be quiet so I can tell my story."

I nod for her to go on.

She clears her throat and begins, "Okay, so, on one of the first missions I ever went on with both Aveline and Isabela, they got in a huge fight. No surprise there. But the thing was, they started screaming at each other _while_ we were being ambushed by thugs. We had gone out just the three of us because I had a genius idea that having a girl's day would be fun. Boy, was I wrong. As soon as we got attacked, Isabela shouted to Aveline 'How about some help over here, man arms?' to which Aveline replied 'Can't handle one guy by yourself whore?'. Now, I know its normal to hear them carry on like this these days, but at the time, they had never said anything like that to each other. They both got so pissed off, they abandoned their positions and got face to face to continue the dispute. While they were busy spitting at each other, I was left to take out our seven attackers. As you can imagine, I was not pleased."

"I do believe, that is my favorite story." I chuckle lightly. "Unless of course, you have one in which Aveline beats Anders up."

Hawke grins. "I don't, but I'm sure it'll happen one day."

I look down at my hand and realize that Hawke has moved to tracing the markings on my shoulder. "You're very good at distracting me." I lift my shoulder slightly. "I didn't notice."

"I guess I'll have to come up with more stories then." She says, pleased with herself.

 _I could handle that._

Pulling her hand away from me, she sits up. "I really should be getting back home though."

"I understand. This was… nice." I smile at her, even though it isn't as easy, knowing that she's leaving.

"Yes it was, thank you. I know it's difficult for you." She climbs out of bed and stretches her back.

"Most things are difficult. This is one of the few things worth the trouble." I stand as well and walk her downstairs to the door.

"Have a good night Fenris," She tells me, her face filled with happiness.

"You too," I reciprocate, opening the door. She steps outside and begins to walk away, but I call back out after her. "Hawke?"

"Hmm?" She turns around to face me.

I pause for a moment, making sure I'm actually okay with what I'm about to say. "You can stay here anytime you need a real bed. I… I like having you around." _It could be nice not to be by myself quite so much… I would still be alone enough._

She smirks. "I hope you aren't joking, because that's a very dangerous thing to say to me. I'm dying to get out of that hovel."

"I'm not. I wouldn't be living here if it wasn't for you. I don't see any reason you shouldn't be able to enjoy this place as well." I lean against the door frame.

"Alright then." She grins. "I might have to take you up on that." Then she resumes her trek back to Lowtown.

I watch her until she disappears from sight and then retreat inside the house. _If something happens to take me away from her in the future, at least I can have more of her time now._


	11. Volatile Concord

**Drunk sections are just the best XD I hope you have as much fun with this as I did.**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 24th

"FENRIS!"

I snap awake as Hawke pounces into the bed. "AAAAAAAH!" I scream, not realizing what's happening. I launch myself backwards and fall onto the floor. _Fasta vass!_ I quickly sit up and look around franticly. When my eyes focus on Hawke my muscles relax, I glare at her and flop onto my back.

"Oh! Sorry!" Hawke says, looking down at me from the bed. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm just so excited!"

"Festis bei umo canavarum." I rub my temples. _I love waking up thinking I'm about to be murdered in my own bed._ I give her an exasperated look. "What is it Hawke?"

I'm used to her being here in the mornings; for the past three weeks, she has hardly missed a night. However, generally she doesn't wake me up so startlingly.

She sticks out her bottom lip. "I'm not telling you until you cheer up."

I close my eyes, just wanting to go back to sleep. "Hawke."

A finger pokes my cheek. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter and growl.

After a moment, I'm poked again, this time in the shoulder. I scoot away from the bed. "Stop touching me."

I hear Hawke stand up and begin to walk away. "Okay, I'll just have to go tell everyone else. You sleep, I'll send Anders back later to tell you."

I growl louder. _She plays me so well._ I sit up and cut my eyes at her. "Don't leave… I want to know."

Grinning, she runs over and jumps back into the bed. "Great! Get up here!"

I climb in beside her and rise my eyebrows expectantly. _What is she this excited about this early?_

"No! You're still mad at me. I'm not telling you yet, this is important." She sits up straight.

I roll my eyes. _Alright, I'll show her I'm not really mad._ Quickly, I pull her into my arms and kiss her deeply; then just as fast, I release her. She gasps with surprise, eyes wide. This is one of the few times I've done something like this, but I couldn't help myself. _She still deserves to know that I want to do that._ I smirk at her even though I know my markings are glowing as well. "Not mad. Tell me, or I will be."

She takes a moment to catch her breath. "So, I finally have the coin to invest in the Deep Roads expedition!" She exclaims.

"What?!" I lean back stunned.

"Yes! It's true, I just counted!" Her face radiates enthusiasm.

I smile at her. "That's great. Hawke, I'm so glad." _I had almost forgotten that was the goal. We've been focusing so much on the day to day. This is excellent. Hopefully now she'll be able to really make something of herself, rise up._

"Me too! Fenris, this could change everything!" Her eyes sparkle as she clenches her hands together.

 _I hope not everything…_ "You've worked so hard. You earned this opportunity. I'm proud of you Hawke."

She reaches out and places her hand on top of mine. "Thank you. I couldn't have done it without you! Well… Okay, I could have, but it really would have sucked." She wrinkles her nose humorously.

I move my fingers to slightly twine with hers. Through our time together, I've gotten almost completely comfortable with her touching my arms and hands. I continue to keep our contact as little as I can. Knowing how much we both want it makes it extremely difficult, but that's the same reason I must restrict our interactions. If we kiss too often, we'll get carried away again, and that's just not something I'm ready for.

"That's what I'm here for, to make things not suck as much." I say sarcastically.

"I must say, you're very good at it. Keep it up." Hawke says, looking smug.

"I might." I roll my eyes.

She withdraws her hand and climbs out of the bed. "Alright, now I have to go tell everyone else! We should celebrate! Are you coming?"

I stand and move beside her. "Of course. You know I enjoy following you."

"Oh, you just enjoy the view." She takes a couple steps forward and wiggles her butt, looking over her shoulder at me.

 _She has me there._ "I can't complain." I chuckle.

"Well, at least not about my ass anyway." She winks, kicks one foot up behind her, and struts out of the room.

 _I do like it when she's confident._ I grab my gear and equip it, then exit the room.

Following Hawke's hurried steps, I quickly make my way through the streets until we arrive at the Hanged Man. _Of course, we're telling Varric next. This actually affects him, and Hawke can't keep anything from him._ We rush inside, up the stairs, and into Varric's room.

"VARRRRRIC!" Hawke yells excitedly and runs over to the chair at the back of the room Varric is sitting in. She hops up on the armrest and stretches her legs across him. "Guess what!"

He smiles and shakes his head. "Hmm… did Fenris stop brooding?" He looks over at me. "Nope, I can see that's still happening."

 _Never letting that go, is he?_ I cut my eyes at him and discreetly hold up my middle finger.

Varric chuckles loudly at this. "Go on then, just tell me Hawke."

A hand plants itself on the doorframe beside my head, and Isabela leans in close to me, her breath on my neck. "Hey lanky. What's going on in here?" She asks with her silky voice. "I couldn't help but hear Hawke's yelling."

Quickly, I step away from Isabela and put my back against the wall. "Hello."

"Isabela! Perfect, I'll tell you both!" Hawke grins proudly. "I have the coin to go to the Deep Roads now!"

"That's wonderful, Hawke!" Varric pats her on the back in congratulations.

Isabela straightens up. "Ooo! Say no more. The party is on. You're currently sober, and that's not acceptable." She whirls around and marches away.

 _This is going to go great, I'm sure._ I sigh.

"Isabela, I love you!" Hawke screams after her.

Varric sticks a finger in his ear for moment. "Thanks, I always wanted to be deaf."

"Oh, sorry," Hawke whispers, drawing her shoulders close to her in shame.

Varric waves the apology away. "Don't worry about it. Just go let the others know what's up."

Getting down from the armrest, Hawke says, "I sure will! See you in a few." She then leads the way to the tavern area of the Hanged Man.

She grabs the huge horn beside the door and blows our signal into it to let the others know to join us here at their earliest convenience.

After about an hour, everyone is here. Isabela managed to convince a band to play and got someone to cover everyone's drinks. _She probably gave them a lap dance._ We all mingle and drink, abuzz with talk of Hawke's upcoming expedition. As the sun sets, the music gets louder, and everyone is wasted. Isabela has pushed the tables out of the way to make a dance floor. She, Hawke, Merrill, Carver, Anders, and Varric, along with some strangers, are on it dancing wildly. I watch from a slight distance as I lean against the wall and drink from a bottle of wine. Aveline sits half asleep in a chair next to me.

The dancing is a mess. Everyone is off beat and stumbling around. Carver grabs Merrill's hips and pulls her close to dance with him, but she stops and throws her arms around his neck to give him a hug. He laughs, picks her up, and swings her around in a circle. When he sits her down, he leans in for a kiss, and she covers his face with her hands. _Looks like he'll have to stick to the brothels._ Hawke and Varric are waving their arms around wildly and laughing hysterically. She pokes him the stomach and he returns it, looking horribly offended. _Those two..._ Isabela and Anders are making out in the center of the crowd. Both her hands grip his butt and his hands are in her hair as they desperately move their lips together. _Gross, they're so… How long has this bottle been… nothing in it?_ I squint at the bottle of wine, trying to get my eyes to focus, and shake it. _Rude._ I right myself and start walking through the crowd towards the bar. Merrill stops me by squatting down in front of me to look at my feet. She looks at them intently and turns her head from side to side.

"What are you doing?" I blink at her.

Merrill looks up at me confused. "Very interesting."

I take in my feet. _Kind of interesting… No. I need wine._ "Stop that." I say as I step around Merrill.

"Where are ya goin?" Merrill asks, stand back up.

"To get more wine." I shove some guy out of my way, and he hardly notices.

"Can I come with you?" Merrill grins at me.

I frown. "No."

"Oh… Okay." She blinks at me a couple of times.

I continue pushing my way through the crowd and up to the bar. Merrill follows me anyway and leans her elbows on the counter top. I order my wine and then turn to her. "I thought I said don't come with me."

Patting me on the shoulder Merrill replies, "You did, but I didn't listen."

 _Obviously._ I grunt with annoyance.

"No. Don't be grumpy." She wags her finger at me. "I didn't listen because you need to not be alone any more. Dance with us!"

"No thank you." _I don't dance._ The tavern wench hands me a bottle of wine, and I take a drink. "And I'm not alone. I have this." I clutch the bottle close to my chest plate.

"Hmmm… Okay then. I'll just talk to you." Merrill's eyes go back to looking at my feet.

 _Maker, no._

Merrill keeps talking as I walk away, "Isabela said she was going to teach me how to do something call body shots but now she's…" Her words become lost in the noise of the dance floor.

Carver approaches me with his arms crossed and an angry look on his face. "Why does she always talk to you?"

 _Why does everyone always talk to me… I just want to drink._ I shrug and again turn up the bottle.

"I'm serious!" Carver's face is red from either alcohol or anger.

I give him a bored look. "The same reason you do. Because I don't want her to."

Carver sighs. "That's no help."

 _Good._ "Go see if you can join Isabela and abomination. They're-" I search for them amongst the crowd. Isabela is with Varric now; she's trying in vain to touch his chest hair as he pushes her away, laughing. _Where is…_ Then I see Anders. He's dancing with Hawke now, his feathered shoulder piece draped over her. _Vishante kaffas!_

Hawke giggles. "All these feathers… am I supposed to be a bird? I want to be a dragon!"

Anders puts his arm around her shoulders. "Well, you're already beautiful, majestic, and can make fire, so I'd say you're halfway there."

I shove my bottle of wine into Carver's hands. "Nope." And force my way roughly through the people.

"Oh dear." I hear Carver say behind me.

Oblivious to me, Anders takes Hawke's hand and spins her as I reach him.

 _How dare he?!_ My markings flare to life and I push him backwards with all my might, what little I have left when I'm this drunk. Anders releases Hawke and stumbles backwards several feet.

He rights himself, his face full of fury. "What was that for elf?!"

I just growl and throw a punch at him.

He sidesteps and smacks me on the back of my head. "It's not like you were going to dance with her!"

"And that gives you the right to put your abomination hands all over her?!" I ram him with my shoulder and grab his legs, knocking him onto the ground.

He hits me in the chin with his palm. "Someone should satisfy her."

I drop my elbow down hard onto his chest, knocking the breath out of him.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" Hawke giggles, clapping her hands. Her words slur horribly.

Anders drives his knee into my stomach and shoves me off him. Unable to maintain any sense of balance, I fall onto my side and kick him in the thigh.

Isabela runs up to join Hawke yelling, "Oooo! Take your clothes off!" They both start laughing hysterically.

 _It's not funny!_

Anders throws his leg over me and grabs my throat, pressing it against the ground. _He thinks he can choke me. He has no idea how used to that I am._ I force all my weight off the ground and headbutt him. He's jolted backwards and clutches his cheek. I sit up and punch him in the face. Just as I'm about to throw a second, I'm pulled backwards by my shoulders. I whip my head around and see a very irritated Aveline.

Aveline lets go of me and crosses her arms. "And this is exactly why I stayed this long."

I stumble up onto my feet, suddenly dizzy. _Well, at least… stopped that. I hate him._

"Aveline." Isabela looks at her disapprovingly. "Why did you have to go and do that? I was just about to see if there was some kind of oil to pour on them."

Glaring at Isabela, Aveline spits, "Sane people don't let their friends beat each other senseless when they're drunk. Not that you would know that."

"Meow!" Isabela sticks her tongue out at her.

Hawke walks over to me and puts her hands on my shoulders. "Are you okay?"

I pop my neck and nod yes. _Sadly, he is too._ "Do you want some wine?" _What did I do with it?_

"Do you have to ask?" Hawke grins.

I squint to focus my eyes and after a minute I spot Carver with the bottle. _When did I…? Eh._ I walk over to him and take it out of his hands. "You better not have drinken any." I glare at him.

"No. I was too busy watching the show." Carver says arrogantly.

I ignore him and make my way back over to Hawke. I take a long drink from the bottle and then pass it to her.

"Thank you!" She takes a sip. "And thank you for fighting for me."

Looking at how beautiful she is, I give her a small smile. "I'd kill for you."

"You have." She laughs, handing me back the wine.

 _Oh yeah… I kill a lot of people…_

"Dance with me?" Hawke asks, holding out her hand.

"I don't know… I don't know how to dance." I scratch my head.

She sticks out her bottom lip. "Come on, just try it. It's fun!"

"I'll dance with you baby." A large human male steps up behind Hawke and pulls her against chest, grabbing her breasts.

"Quit it! Get off of me!" Hawke screams pulling at his hands.

 _That bastard!_ I swing the wine bottle and shatter it against his cheek. He turns Hawke loose and takes a step backward, looking at me. He balls his hands into fists and moves to throw a punch. Before he can draw back, Anders' staff strikes him in the back of his head. The thug stumbles forward, and I catch him with a hard uppercut to the jaw. He still attempts to punch me. I parry to the side and break his arm at the elbow. His yell from the pain becomes a shriek as Anders shocks him with a lightning blast. The creep looks desperately between the two of us, clutching his limp arm to his body. Anders and I glare at him and take a step closer. The guy backs away slowly and then runs out the door. I level my gaze at Anders and his eyes meet mine. _I do appreciate knowing he won't let anything happen to Hawke._ I give him a nod and after a moment he returns it. As I turn back to Hawke, I notice the band has stopped playing. I glare harshly at them, and they franticly resume the song.

I hold out my hand to Hawke. "Can I have this dance?"

She grins with more excitement than I've ever seen on her face before. "I thought you'd never ask!" She takes my hand, and I pull her out onto the floor.

Not much of the crowd has resumed dancing, but I don't care. The mixture of alcohol and adrenaline in my blood has erased any wariness I previously had. One hand still intertwined with hers, I grab her waist with the other and draw her close to me.

Hawke gives me a smug look as we begin to move in time to the music. "Why did you change your mind?"

I kiss her neck and whisper in her ear, "Tonight, you are mine. Everyone should live in fear of touching you."

"I'm disappointed that they don't already." Her mouth twists slightly at the corner. "I'm not scary…"

"You are. Your good looks are just more obvious." I dip her backwards.

She giggles as she comes back up, chest to chest with me once more. "Been practicing your flattery?"

 _Yes._ "It's possible." I give her a half smile.

"If I'm yours tonight… Then show them."

I raise an eyebrow. _What does she-_ My thought is cut off as she slides my hand from her waist, to her butt. My heart beats faster; I've never touched her this way before. I start to move my hand away but she puts it back in place.

She gives me a serious look, as serious as she can when she's this drunk. "Yours. Show them."

I nod and take a deep breath. _Alright then. I will._ We pick up the tempo of our dancing and move against each other. When anyone stumbles to close to us, I knock them out of the way with my shoulder. Hawke's face is proud and joyful. For once, I actually enjoy a social event.


	12. Morning After

**Dun dun dun! Final preparations for the Deep Roads! But first, some wonderful hangovers. Enjoy!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 25th

The next morning, I wake up with a splitting headache. _Fasta vass. What did I do?_ I open my eyes, and they adjust to the painful light. My forehead is pressed against the back of Hawke's head, and my arms are around her. Pieces of her hair are stuck to my dry lips and I splutter, wiping them away. Realizing that we're in an unfamiliar bed, I extract my arms and prop myself up slightly to look around. Hawke has Isabela, who is missing her signature bandana, snuggled against her chest asleep. _What…?_ I try to move to sit up fully, but I can't. Anders' butt is pressed firmly against my back, and there's a heavy weight on my legs. I growl, but it just makes my head hurt worse, so I frown. _What happened last night…? I can't remember much…_ I look down at my legs and see that Merrill lays across them as well as Anders', Hawke's, and Isabela's legs. Merrill is wearing Isabela's bandanna and my chest piece. Confused, I pat my chest in search of it. _How did she get that?_ I survey the rest of the space and notice that we're in one of the overnight rooms in the Hanged Man. _Ah. That makes sense._ Carver is shirtless; he leans against Varric at the foot of the bed where they are both slumped. _Ugh! Of course, I'm the first one awake._ I squeeze my eyes shut and lay back onto my side, putting my arm around Hawke again. I try to go back to sleep, but I can't with Merrill and Anders touching me. I cringe at the thought and then force myself into a sitting position. I start to yell at Merrill to get off of me but think better of it when I look at Hawke sleeping peacefully. _I don't want to wake her up… Argh._ I nudge Merrill with my foot but she doesn't respond. _Not surprised._

I lean forward and prod the blood mage. As quiet as I can, "Merrill… Merrill… Wake up."

She makes a little squeak and lifts her head slightly to squint at me. "Fenris?"

"Yes. Get off of me." I sigh.

Merrill blinks sleepily and looks around. "Oh. I'm laying on a lot of people. Are we cuddling? How nice…" She tails off and lays her head back down.

I clench and unclench my jaw in frustration, then poke her again. "Merrill. Get. Up."

She makes a whining sound and gives me an angry look. "Mmph… Fine…" She sits up and climbs out of the bed. Unsteady on her feet, she topples to the ground and doesn't bother to get up.

Due to the clatter Merrill caused, Anders shifts around. I push him away from me. He cranes his neck to look at me and I scowl at him. His eyes grow wide and he scoots forwards, falling out of the bed to join Merrill on the floor.

"Shit!" Anders exclaims.

I burst out laughing, unable to contain myself. _Perfect!_

"Hi, Anders." Merrill murmurs, still mostly asleep. She reaches out and intertwines her fingers with his.

"Stop it!" Anders swats her hand and pulls his hand back to his chest.

"Huh?" Hawke mumbles. She and Isabela roll over and look at me. The two of them are both exceptionally beautiful even in their disheveled, hung over, state. Between them, black hair is splayed everywhere. Isabela has black eye-makeup smeared all under her eyes and on her cheek is half of Hawke's blood swipe. There's a sizeable hickey with light teeth marks on Hawke's jaw. _Did I put that there…?_ For a moment, I contemplate kicking everyone else out of the room and giving Hawke a few more. I chase the thought away.

I stifle my laughter at Anders and return Hawke's gaze. "Nothing."

"Where are my boots?" Anders asks, standing up, with only dirty socks on his feet. He looks around in confusion.

Merrill giggles, still keeping her eyes closed, and points at her feet. His boots obviously swallow her, they make her legs look like twigs. Carver's shirt is tied around one of her thighs.

"Don't steal from me." Anders glares at her and pulls the shoes off her feet.

Isabela leans across Hawke. Her breasts, barely contained by her crumpled corset, resting on Hawke's ribs. "Hey. Leave Kitten alone."

Anders ignores her and proceeds to put his boots on.

 _I wonder what happened after the dancing… Probably a lot more alcohol. Maybe another fight… Definitely that hickey._ I lean against the headboard; thankfully my headache is starting to retreat.

Hawke climbs over Isabela and shakes Carver and Varric. "Hey, wake up!"

Carver jerks upright and franticly looks around. "Where are we?"

 _At least I'm not the only one who can't remember._

Stretching and yawning, Varric mummers, "The Hanged Man. The real question is why didn't we think to stay in mine or Isabela's room instead of renting another one."

"I'm going to go with because we were drunken idiots." Hawke chuckles.

"You think I wanted this many drunk people in my bed?" Isabela raises her eyebrows. "Doing that once—okay, twice, was enough for me. I plan on keeping it with four as the max these days."

 _Wow. And then there's me, who prefers two_ clothed _people only in mine._

"Fair point Rivaini." Varric stands and pops his back. "Although, I have to say Aveline wins in being the smartest last night. I bet she's at home, headache free."

"Lucky her." I muse, pressing my palms to my temples.

Isabela slides past Hawke's legs to sit directly beside me and puts her hand on my leg. "Poor Fenris. Look what we did to him Hawke." She says in a sly mocking voice. "Oh! You missed a few fasteners." Before I can move, she throws one leg over me to straddle my legs and grabs at the undone clasp at the top of my tunic.

Growling loudly, I shove her shoulders backwards, knocking her off of me, and hug my knees to my chest. _How dare she still try to touch me?!_ I snarl at Isabela.

Hawke gives Isabela a disbelieving look but this just makes her start cackling. "Isabela! You know he hates that! And he's not interested in you."

"Everyone's interested. I'm everybody's type." Isabela flicks her tongue. "And I wasn't going to try anything, I just like it when he gets rough with me."

I scowl. "Then you'll love it when I show you your own heart."

Pulling a dagger out of, I have no idea where, Isabela grins but doesn't say anything else.

 _Freak._

"Carver, why are you half naked?" Hawke asks, giving him a skeptical look.

He glowers back at her. "Why do you act like you're my mom?"

"Ow. You really got me good there. I don't think I'll ever recover." Hawke sasses him. "Guys, isn't he adorable when he's being a jerk?"

Isabela rolls her eyes. "Please don't start with this. Those two," She gestures between me and Anders, "I can handle. It's pretty hot when they fight. But you guys? No such appeal."

"Wouldn't have to argue if she didn't treat—" Carver begins but Isabela shushes him loudly.

"Merrill has your shirt." Anders says, his voice still irritated. He unties it and pulls it from her thigh. "Here you go." He tosses it into Carver's hands.

Merrill finally opens her eyes and sits crisscross. "Oh, do you all need your things back? I seem to have taken them while you were sleeping!"

"It would appear that way." Anders crosses his arms.

Varric snickers. "Blondie, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

Isabela says, "He sure did. Woke up next to Fenris instead of between me and Hawke." She gives Anders a smug look.

"No!" Merrill pipes in. "He woke up on the floor with me. I think Fenris might have kicked him."

I hold my hands up in exasperation. "I did not." Seeing Anders' sour expression, I add, "I should have."

Before Anders has time to reply, Hawke speaks, "Can you give the rest back now Merrill?"

Nodding, Merrill pulls Varric's gloves out of her robes and passes them to him. Then she unfastens my chest plate and gives it back. I quickly equip it. _Can this morning please end?_

"What did you take from me?" Hawkes asks, propping her chin on her knee.

"Nothing." Merrill smiles innocently.

A confused look on her face, Hawke responds, "What? Why?"

"I didn't need to."

"Um, Daisy, do you mind filling the rest of us in?" Varric inquires.

Merrill shakes her head, indicating that she doesn't mind. "I didn't need to take anything from Hawke because she belongs to Fenris, and I had already taken something from him." She gazes at Hawke proudly.

 _She thinks Hawke belongs to me? Last night was just last night… I'd like that, but she certainly isn't mine. Nothing has really changed._ I wave the notion away.

"I'm leaving." Anders scowls and hurriedly exits the room.

 _But she thankfully isn't his either._

"Whatever you say Merrill." Hawke says with humor in her voice, but there is something else in her eyes. "Will you all be alright if we head out? There's a lot to think about and plan, and we didn't get anything done at all yesterday. Not that I'm complaining." Hawke motions for me to get up. I do so and she follows.

"Sure. I do hope you're leaving Carver behind though." Isabela turns her head towards Carver and touches her tongue to her top teeth suggestively.

Hawke grunts with disgust. "What did we say about not telling me?!"

Raising an eyebrow, Isabela responds, "I didn't tell you anything. I just asked if he was staying. You assumed. Correctly."

"Ick…" Hawke grimaces. She walks to the door with me in tow. "I'm just going to go now."

"Bye Hawke! Bye Fenris! I hope you have a nice day." Merrill chimes after us as we disappear down the hallway.

We walk in silence until we exit the Hanged Man. Hawke begins to speak, her voice nervous. "Mom is not going to be happy when I break the news about the Deep Roads."

I cast her a concerned look. "Do you think she'll try to keep you from going?"

"Of course she will, but I have to go. I'm doing this for her and Carver… I just hope the stress isn't too much for her." Her brow furrows tightly. "Do you think I'm making a mistake?"

"You said that you were doing this for your family. Why should it be a mistake?"

Hawke stops walking and turns to face me, sadness in her eyes. She starts to say something but pauses and takes a short breath.

"What is it?" _It isn't like her to be afraid of failure. I wonder what's bothering her._

Her eyes dart around the ground before finally meeting mine. "I don't talk about this kind of stuff because I prefer to laugh to keep myself from crying. You've probably noticed by now that humor is my strongest defense."

"Hawke, you don't have to keep anything to yourself. You know I'm here to listen." _You've listened to me plenty._

She nods. "Okay, well… I never told you this, but Carver had a twin sister. She was my best friend and Mom's favorite. I never minded though. Bethany was the best of us three. Whenever Carver was too harsh or I was too apathetic, she was just compassionate. Anyone who ever met us said Bethany was their favorite… She used to track me down, no matter how long it took, when I was out too late; I'd go back with her and we'd stay up the rest of the night laughing about all the ridiculous stuff I got into. Sometimes I would let her braid my hair; she never knew I hated it… I wish she could have made it to Kirkwall and met you. She was a mage, so you wouldn't have gotten along, but that would have been alright because she wouldn't have minded…" Hawkes eyes are full of tears but she blinks them away. "Anyway. We lost her to an ogre when we were escaping a darkspawn horde. It was horrible, and we never even got to bury her. I know there are darkspawn in the Deep Roads, and I just can't help but think about dying down there the same way and what it would do to mother."

 _I had no idea._ "You know I would never let anything happen to you. It's your decision if you want to go. I won't fault you either way, but if you do, I will bring you back to Leandra. I… am so sorry about your sister. I regret that I could not meet her as well." My face is somber, but my eyes are kind. _I hope she believes me. On both accounts. It would be a shame for her to give up her dream because of fear. I will protect her, we all will. And it hurts me to see her in so much pain. I don't want her to think I would have hated her dead sister._

"Thank you." She sniffles and scratches absently at the back of her neck.

 _She doesn't see how much I care._ I step forward and place my hand on her shoulder. "I can't promise you that you won't get hurt or that it will be easy, but I will defend you with everything I have. You have earned this opportunity, and you deserve to bring wealth to your family." Hawke looks up at me with a slight smile, and a tear rolls down her cheek. Before she can speak, I continue, "And you can always talk to me about Bethany. Or anything else."

"I knew there was a reason I liked you." Hawke grins, wiping her eyes. "I should have told you sooner. This has been worrying me for a while."

I move my hand back to my side. "Why didn't you?"

She shakes her head. "I couldn't complain to you. Your life has been so much worse, I can't even picture it. My problems are tiny in comparison, I didn't want to bother you with them."

I'm taken aback by her words. "Hawke, we've suffered differently. That doesn't make your problems smaller. Just tell me things. I like it when you're honest with me."

"Maybe you're right… That sounds like a good plan." She playfully punches me in the arm.

 _Ow. She's stronger than she looks._ I smile at her. "Besides, if you keep everything inside, you'll end up like me. I didn't turn out very well."

"Wouldn't be so bad. I disagree. Yeah, you're damaged. Badly damaged. But you're not beyond repair. You've come so far already. I can't wait to see us in ten years." She winks at me.

 _Ten years? I can't even think that far ahead…_ "I'm sure it will be interesting."

Hawke laughs. "If I'm there how can it not be?"

"That's a fair point." _Hawke could make watching paint dry entertaining._

We split up and go our separate ways. Hawke wanted to talk to her mom alone and told me to meet her in Hightown later. I kill time in my house, doing a whole lot of nothing, until it's time. Then I make my way to our meeting place. Hawke, Aveline, and Carver are there when I arrive. Carver and Aveline are discussing something, and Hawke is with a couple of Dwarven Merchants. I approach her, and she looks over her shoulder at me and smiles.

"Fenris! This is Bodahn and Sandal. You wouldn't believe it. They traveled with the Hero of Ferelden!" Hawke says excitedly.

"Really?" I raise my eyebrows.

"Yes! They said she was great shapeshifter! But get this, she couldn't turn into a dragon either!" Hawke grins.

 _She sure knows how to get distracted._ "Interesting. How did it go talking with your mother?" I say, trying to steer her attention back to the present situation.

She turns the rest of the way around to face me. "It went. I'm going to the Deep Roads, we'll just have to be sure to come back."

I nod and we make our way back to the others. The rest of our team has now joined Carver and Aveline.

Varric immediately turns his focus to Hawke. "Are you ready to do this? Have everything you need?"

"I'm ready for anything." Hawke holds her arms out wide, arrogantly smirking.

 _There's the Hawke everyone expects to see._

"Alright, Bartrand awaits you." He chuckles and gestures to where his brother stands a few yards away.

Hawke strides confidently over to him, and we follow. "Hello. It's nice to meet you. I'll be your new business partner." She says curtly.

"What?! My what?" Bartrand looks at her incredulously and then turns to Varric. "Varric, you stupid, nug-humping dirt-farmer! Have you been making promises for me that I have no interest in keeping?!"

 _Great. I can tell he's going to be joy._ The marking in my hand prickle, begging me to put it through his chest.

"Ah, it's good to see you too brother." Varric sighs. "She has the coin. Let her invest or no one gets to go."

"I'm also pretty, so that's a perk." Hawke crinkles her nose humorously.

Bartrand rubs his chin and surveys us all skeptically. "Well… I suppose. Since you have the coin. But still, we need a way into the Deep Roads."

"Aw, man. I wish I would have thought of that… Oh wait. I did." Hawke pulls a couple of maps out of her pack. "Here you go, the locations are already marked." She hands him the maps as well as a money pouch.

"Oh? I-" Bartrand begins.

"Just say thank you and start preparations." Varric cuts him off.

"MARIAN!" Leandra's voice sounds out behind us.

 _I had completely forgotten that was Hawke's first name. She never lets us call her that._

We all turn around as Leandra reaches us. Her face is more worried than angry. "Marian, I know I can't stop you from going, but I can't allow you to take your brother."

Carver steps up to her. "Mom. I'm going."

"Shut up Carver." Hawke pushes him out of the way. "I wouldn't think of bringing him. You can take him home with you now. No need to worry." She gives Leandra a reassuring look.

"You can't just leave me here! I can help!" Carver shouts, his face reddening.

Hawke turns to him, gently places her hands on his shoulders, gives him as sincere look, and says, "Please, shut up, Carver." She steps back from him and turns to face the rest of us. "I do need to decide who is going with me though…"

 _Why am I not surprised she hasn't decided?_ I smile slightly and cross my arms over my chest. _I wonder who else she'll pick._

Merrill raises her hand and bounces up and down. "Me! Me!"

Hawke purses her lips. "Hmm…" She looks over all of us. "Okay, Varric… Anders… and hmm… I don't know." She looks everywhere but at me, mischief on her face.

 _Anders? Seriously? We don't need a healer that much…_

"Did you just _pick_ me to go on this expedition?" Varric asks, making an exasperated face. "I'm pretty sure I'm the leader in this particular situation."

Hawke laughs obnoxiously and shrugs.

"Oh, boy. I wonder who it'll be." Isabela says sarcastically.

"I think… I'll have to go with Fenris." Hawke sticks her tongue out at me.

I roll my eyes. "I'm honored."

"Hawke, why are you only taking boys with you?" Merrill asks, clearly sad that she hadn't been selected.

Isabela snickers. "She knows what she's about, Merrill."

"You know what Isabela, that… Is not a bad point." Hawke grins.

 _Ugh._

"Is your personal drama over with? Can we get on our way?" Bartrand asks impatiently.

"One last thing." Hawke turns to face Leandra. "Carver's been in the brothel. A whole lot." She looks back at Bartrand. "Ready!"


	13. Subterranean Pathway

**In these chapters, you'll see that I'm playing a game called "Make the Deep Roads as Fun as Possible!" It's great because without it, I would actually die trying to write this; but with it, I can enjoy what I'm doing. Also Act II is in the near future, screeee!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 25th

We hadn't traveled more than a couple of hours into the Deep Roads when things started to fall apart.

"What do you mean the passage is blocked?!" Bartrand screams at another dwarf in front of him. The man holds up his hands in defense, but Bartrand punches him in the face, knocking him out cold. "USELESS! Every one of you blighters is useless!" He forcefully kicks a rock out of the way. "Set camp!"

Varric approaches his irate brother, Hawke at his side. "Doesn't seem like much of a problem. I say we just explore the side passages until we find another way."

Anders and I hang back, still able to listen but out of Bartrand's space. _If we just killed him and went on by ourselves, then we wouldn't have to share the profits or listen to him yell._

"The scouts say those tunnels are too dangerous! We'll be here until we rot trying to clear the path!" Bartrand throws his hands up in the air.

"I like danger." Hawke smiles. "Me and mine will check out the other passages."

"And if we run back screaming and missing a few limbs, you'll know it was a bad call." Varric adds.

Bartrand rubs his beard. "I like your initiative. Do what you want." He then stomps off without another word.

Hawke turns to Varric. "You and him really don't have much in common, do you?"

"I think he got all the bad traits, and I got the looks and the good ones." Varric chuckles.

Anders steps forward rubbing his temple. "This is why I left the Wardens. I hate the Deep Roads."

"You should have said something before. Anders, you didn't have to come with us." Hawke gives him a concerned look.

Anders shakes his head and sighs. "This is where Wardens go to die. Of course I didn't want to come down here."

I eye him with disgust. "Yes, complain about it now, make Hawke feel bad. None of us like the Deep Roads. They are a hazard to all of us. Do you want to suck it up and help us accomplish something? Or do I need to hold your hand and walk you back to the surface like the child you are?"

"Whoa-ho!" Varric laughs. "Broody, I didn't know you could burn people like that!"

Anders looks down his nose at me, even though I'm almost nearly his height. "Excuse me? You never complain about anything, do you? Oh wait, you do. I was a slave. I hate mages. Stop touching me. Anger, anger, anger. Go sit down."

"Vishante kaffas, abomination!" I spit on the ground at his feet. _Don't tell me what to do!_

Hawke steps in between us and pushes us apart. "Boy, as much as this is helping, how about we stop?"

"Darn, I was about to see if anyone had any snacks." Varric says, humor in his voice.

"Excuse me." Bohdan stands a few feet away from us. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but, it's my boy."

Dropping her arms Hawke quickly faces him. "Sandal? Is he alright?"

I throw Anders a final glare. _We will never see eye to eye about anything other than protecting Hawke._ I move my attention to the merchant dwarf.

"Not exactly. He's wandered off into the tunnels. He doesn't understand danger like he should. My boy's not like everyone else, you see. He's different. I had just turned my back for a few minutes to hand out rations and then he was gone. Oh, my poor boy, I should have been harsher with my warnings." Bohdan wrings his hands.

Hawke's face falls into lines of intense worry. "That's horrible. You think there's still a chance that he's alive?"

Eye's widening in horror, Bohdan replies, "He's hardier that you might think! If he has one of his enchantments with him he'll be fine. Oh, but I'm worried about him getting lost… We might never find him."

"We'll leave right now. We'll find Sandal, don't worry."

"Thank you so much messere!" Bohdan says with hope in his voice.

Hawke looks back at the rest of us. "Are we ready to get along?"

"I think I've behaved myself perfectly." Varric holds up his hands.

 _Get along, no. Tolerate his presence enough to save this man's son, yes._ I growl but nod yes.

"Good. Let's move out." Hawke spins on her heel and leads us towards the entrance of the tunnels.

We make our way in silence, except for Varric's whistling. The tunnel goes straight for quite a while and then veers off sharply to the right. As we turn the corner, three nasty darkspawn charge us. Their mouths hang open with drool dripping from their sharp teeth.

"We've got company!" Varric calls out. He drops a bottle and kicks it into the lead darkspawn; it busts, and the monster reels in confusion as the potion covers it.

I seize this opportunity. Stepping in front of Hawke, I swing my blade and slice off one of the creature's arms. It clutches the bleeding stump with its other hand and lunges forward in an attempt to bite me. I knock its head away with the hilt of my sword and kick it in the ribs. The darkspawn stumbles forward and chokes out a garbled sound. I glide past it and thrust my sword backwards, straight through its midsection. It drops into a puddle of its own black blood as I withdraw my blade. Out of the corner of my eye, I see another darkspawn, frozen solid. _That'll save me some time._ I dash towards it, activating my markings, and slam the monster into the cave wall, shattering it.

"Oh look a chest!" Hawke exclaims, having run a little ways ahead of me.

I check for the final darkspawn and find it's corpse chard and riddled with crossbow bolts. At this sight, I return my sword to my back.

"Fenris! Check it out!" Hawke waves me over excitedly.

I approach her. She's struggling to drag something large across the ground; it's hardly budging at all. When I reach her side, I realize that it's a giant stone maul. _What is she doing with that?_

Giving up on moving it, Hawke drops the handle with a loud crash. "This is for you!" She grins at me. "It's better than your sword."

I blink at her, perplexed. "But it's a maul. That's a completely different kind of weapon."

Hawke puts a hand on her hip. "I know that, but, you're a two-handed warrior and this is a two-handed weapon. It's an Oath-Breaker, these are rare, it's better than your sword."

"For smashing, yes, for cutting people, no." I cross my arms. _I like my sword just fine._ "I can use it, I would prefer not to."

She chews on the inside of her mouth in thought for a moment. "Can you even pick it up?"

I snort and grab the handle, lifting it easily with one hand. The Oath-Breaker is surprising well balanced, much nicer than I expected. I give it a few test swings. _Hmm… Alright maybe._

Hawke gasps. "How?! I could hardly get that to move at all! I thought you'd at least have to use both hands!" She looks me up and down. "I don't get it. I'm bigger than you…"

Smiling slightly, I shrug.

"Anyway, do you like it?" She asks.

I swing it over my head and slam the ground in front of us. The sound echoes through the cavern and the stone floor has cracked where I hit. _Oh. This might be enjoyable to wield._ I lean the maul across my shoulder and look at Hawke. "Not bad. I'll give it a try."

"Show off." She winks at me. "Sometime, you're going to have to swing me around like that."

I chuckle. "I don't think you'd enjoy it quite so much as you think you would."

"Hawke, are two going to chin wag all day or are we going to keep moving?" Varric asks from the center of the trail.

"Coming!" Hawke calls back. We run back to join them and resume making our way.

After a bit, we come to a cross roads, but the left passage is blocked by rubble.

"These paths haven't exactly made it difficult on us to choose which way to go. It's almost as if we're being herded somewhere." Anders remarks.

 _He's so paranoid. Not everything revolves around him, or us for that matter._

"Maybe the tunnel gods just don't want us to get lost." Varric jokes; only Hawke laughs, as usual.

We follow the clear path until Hawke comes to dead stop. "What the-"

Darkspawn lie dead all around us.

"Who did this?" I ask no one particular, nudging a corpse with my foot.

"Whoa. Isn't that Bohdan's boy?" Varric points ahead of us. Sure enough, there stands Sandal, starting at a stalagmite and absently scratching his rear.

Hawke runs up to him. "Sandal! You're alright!" Her voice is full of relief.

Turning to face her, Sandal grins. "Ello!"

 _He wiped out all these darkspawn?! Alone?! I respect that._ The rest of us walk up to Sandal as well. That's when I notice the giant ogre, solidified into crystal. "How is that possible?!"

"I've never seen any magic that could do that…" Anders stares at it in awe.

Hawke kneels down to Sandal's level. "Did you do this?" She gestures to the ogre and the bodies surrounding us.

"Boom!" Sandal yells excitedly.

"Yes, naturally, sure." Varric mumbles shaking his head.

Hawke smiles fondly at Sandal. "Very good job!" She then points at the crystalized monster. "What did you do to him?"

The boy hands her a rock and then looks at the ogre. "Not enchantment."

"Well, that's unsettling." Anders runs a hand through the back of his ponytail.

As she stands up, Hawke says, "Never mind that. We should get him back to his dad."

"We can't all go back. Bartrand will have a fit if he thinks we haven't accomplished anything. Blondie and I will take him back, you two set up camp here." Varric unshoulders his pack and drops it on the ground, Anders follows suit.

"Are you sure?" Hawke asks. "I don't mind taking him."

"I'm sure. I'll explain to Bartrand what's going on." Varric waves and ushers Sandal along in front of him. "It'll take us a while, but we'll be back."

Anders nods to us. "Stay safe Hawke." Then follows the dwarves.

"I'll make sure that she does." I call after him.

Hawke bends down and opens Varric's pack. She pulls out his bed roll and lays it flat. "This is as good a place as any. They'd smell us even if we hid. Hey, maybe the decorative ogre will scare some of the monsters off."

"Fair point." I join her and unpack Anders' belongings, making sure to lay his mat over a particularly sharp rock.

She drops her own satchel and then looks at me inquiringly. "Wait. Where is your pack?"

Finished with Anders' stuff, I straighten up. "I didn't bring one. I have food and water." I pat the pouches on my belt that I had filled with rations just before we trudged down here.

"Seriously? Where were you planning to sleep?" Hawke asks as she stands.

"I wasn't really. I plan to keep guard. When I must sleep, I'll do so for a few minutes against the cave wall. You know I don't generally sleep much." I tell her nonchalantly.

She wrinkles her forehead. "Not going to happen. That's ridiculous."

"It's not. I don't mind. I said I would protect you, and I'm the logical choice to stand vigil." I remove the sword and maul I'm carrying and set them on the ground. Then I stretch and pop my back. _The warrior almost always keeps guard._

"We're all going to take turns with the watch. You're sharing my bed roll. Just because you can go without sleep doesn't mean you should. I would prefer you to be alert during battle." She snatches her bag up, walks a good distance from me and then lays out her things.

 _I'll be fine, I don't need that._ I follow her. "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be set up with the rest of the camp?"

She looks up at me. "That would be fine for me, but you like your space. Since we're sharing, we at least need to be over here."

I roll my eyes. "I appreciate it,but you don't have to do that. I'm fine."

Squinting at me in irritation, she says, "Well, I can just give you my roll. I'm sure Anders won't mind me joining him. Especially if it gets cold; you get warmer faster if you're both naked."

"You're evil." I growl, but there's humor in the sound. _She always knows how to get to me._

Hawke grins widely. "Fenris, I want you to join me. I've gotten used to having you next to me when I sleep." She sits back on her heels and pats the roll beside her.

 _I've gotten accustomed to it as well._ _Oh, alright._ I take a seat next to her. "It isn't that I didn't want to be with you."

"I know." She crinkles her nose in the adorable way she usually does when she makes herself laugh. "You just have to be difficult."

I give her a light glare. "I don't try to be-"

She cuts me off by pushing me onto my back and moving to lay with her chest on my stomach and her hips between my legs.

 _I should really have seen that coming…_ Lifting my head, I raise my eyebrows and look into her eyes. "What are you doing?"

"I'm laying on you." She makes a smug face.

"That wasn't part of the deal." I prop myself up a little on my elbows. _Ugh. It's not fair that she's so beautiful._ My heart starts to beat faster. _Stop that._ I manage to slow it, but only slightly.

"Sure it was. You're laying on my bed roll, and I'm laying on you. We're sharing." She picks at the top of my belt distractedly.

I snicker. _I have to give her points for trying._ "Hawke?"

"Yes?" She looks up.

"Get off me."

She lays completely flat, resting her chin just under my chest plate. "You don't want me to. I can tell." She says mischievously and runs her hand down my hip. "Have mentioned how much I like your pants and how truthful they are?"

"Hey! Don't do that!" I roll onto my side and gently push her away. _No no no. Ugh. That's so awkward._ My markings sting to life in my embarrassment.

She holds back her laughter. "Alright, I'm sorry. But you don't have to be shy about it."

I shake my head, sit up, and look at her seriously. "Hawke. I care about you very much, you know I want to be with you. But… please don't say those things. I'm not ready for anything like that. If I was, don't you think I would have initiated it before?" _This would be so much easier if I didn't want her so much…_

Nodding, Hawke responds, "I do. I never actually expect you give in to me, so I don't get mad." She grins. "But I like to mess with you… one day I'll get lucky."

I level my gaze with hers. "We both will."

She flops onto her back in the dust. "You, with your eyes and your voice. You're insufferable!"

"And you're a torment. You deserve it." I laugh.

She turns her eyes to me coyly. "Yes, I do. And worse. You really should punish me, or I'll never learn from my behavior."

 _I hope she never changes. It would do me well to lighten up the way she does._ I lean over her. "Maybe I will."

A sound catches in her throat in surprise. I move forward as if I'm about to kiss her and then quickly whip around, grab the blanket out of her pack, and wrap it tightly around me. "No blanket for you. You're bad and undeserving." _There. That seems like something she would do. See how she likes it._

Hawke sits up quickly, her mouth open wide in shock.

"What?" I shrug, almost smirking.

"You… You!" She shakes her head and giggles a little. Grabbing a corner of the blanket, she futilely attempts to pull it away from me. "Why are you so strong… Give it back!"

"What are you two going on about?" Varric's chuckle sounds out behind me.

I turn to look at him, the blanket still wrapped around me. _Great. Now I look stupid._ "That was fast."

Anders scowls. "Much to your disappointment I'm sure."

 _How am I still the only one who thinks we should kill him?_

"Is Sandal alright?" Hawke asks.

Varric nods. "No worries. We met up with another of our groups about halfway back, he went with them. I'm sure Bohdan is relieved. I'm glad we helped him out."

"Me too." Hawke smiles.

Walking over to where his belongings are set up, Varric says, "Well, we'd better get some shut eye. The morning… or possibly evening, I can never tell in this place, will come early. Who wants first watch?"

"I have it covered." I say casting the blanket aside.

"Figured as much." Varric plops down on his mat. "Not that I thought you two would be _sleeping_ either way. Just try to keep the noise down, or Bianca won't be able to sleep."

"And I'll kill myself," Anders says bitterly.

Hawke cackles, throwing her head back.

I raise my eyebrows. "If I would have known you'd kill yourself, I would have done this in front of you a lot sooner."

"Ohhhhhh!" Hawke and Varric yell in unison, throwing their hands up.

Anders makes a disgusted noise in the back of throat and lays down facing away from us.

"Isn't it so much more entertaining to bring both of them?" Hawke says to Varric.

 _Entertaining… I'd go with enraging._ I glare at her, but this only makes them laugh harder. After standing to my feet, I pick up the Oath Breaker, walk over to large rock, and take a seat on it. "Goodnight." _This is as good a place as any to keep watch._


	14. Dragon Encephalectomy

**I think I want to be Hawke as much as Hawke wants to be a dragon... In this chapter you actually get to see that dragons do exist in dragon age! Have fun!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 26th

My feet are tired and stone bruised after this full day of traipsing across the particularly jagged landscape. _If only shoes weren't feet prisons… There's no use in complaining, I know we'll be walking for all of the near foreseeable future._ As we go around a bend, Hawke holds out her arms, stopping us.

"Shhhhh! Look!" Hawke whispers, pointing ahead of us. A large dragon stands snorting at the back of an alcove. In front of it are three dragonlings tearing at a carcass. Hawke looks back at Varric, a childish grin on her face. "Guys… It's actually dragons."

 _Finally, something to distract me._ I pull the maul off my back and grip it tightly. "It's about time I got to use this."

Hawke sticks her bottom lip out for a moment. "I wish we didn't have to kill them… I love dragons."

Placing his hand on Hawke's arm, Varric says, "Hawke, they will eat us. And killing them won't make it any more unlikely that you will learn how to turn into a dragon in the future."

"You can't possibly still think that's a possibility." Anders gives her a tired look.

 _Oh dear. Don't get her started on the dragon thing._

She sets her jaw and scowls at the mage. "I. Will. Be. A. Darned. Dragon."

"We don't have time for this." I walk ahead of the group and into the center of the cavern.

Varric runs to catch up to me. "Hey! Dragons!" He yells, firing a bolt into the rear of the large one.

 _Not exactly tactical, but it's better than arguing._

The monstrous creature whips its head around and breathes fire up at the ceiling.

"Nice try! We're down here!" Hawke yells dashing around me and ducking behind a boulder.

 _Perfect. Piss it off._ I roll my eyes and stand my ground. _Not that it can understand a word you say._ The creatures rush towards us, and Varric dives for cover. _Yet again I find myself the only non-ranged fighter. It's always so convenient._ When the dragon's front legs reach me, I fade past them and slam the Oath Breaker down on its back right foot. It snarls and kicks at me. Ducking under the flailing foot, I swing the maul over my head and strike it forcefully against the back of the dragon's leg. The bone cracks satisfyingly, and the monster stumbles forward. Immediately, I lash out at the other back leg, causing it to buckle. A sharp pain stabs my thigh as a dragonling sinks its teeth into me. _Argh! Let go of me!_ I jump away to gain distance from the large one, the dragonling still latched firmly into my leg. Casting my weapon aside, I grab the beast's jaws in my hands, my tattoos flaring; I snatch against them with all my might, freeing myself and ripping the creature's head in half. I drop the bloody jaw pieces and rearm myself, not bothering to examine my thigh. The real threat is closing in on Varric's cover. I charge towards it and leap into the air, landing with the full force of my maul striking the center of the dragon's spine. The leathery beast cries out and rears up on its unstable back legs. My traction disappears, and I start sliding off its flank. I try to find purchase against the scales but it's useless without a sword. _Kaffas!_ The dragon tips sideways and I fall, my face slamming into its body before I land harshly on my back on a rock. Pain fills my body, and the edges of my vision go black. I spit blood out of my mouth and peel myself off the rock.

"Suck on a fireball!" Anders yells from somewhere behind me.

 _Idiot. It's a dragon, what use is fire?_ Suddenly my wounds heal and the aching subsides. I roll my shoulders and pop my neck. _Much better. Wait. If he was healing me, why did he feel the need to yell 'suck on a fireball?' Eh. I don't care. I don't speak idiot._ I turn my attention back to the threat at hand. The dragon swats away a bolder, revealing Hawke.

Hawke's eyes widen in fear, she turns around and dashes for the tunnel we came through. "BY ANDRASTE'S TITS! EVERYBODY RUN!" Her voice shrieks, filling the tunnels.

I take off after her, but the dragon is closer. It peruses her with me at its heels. A lightning bolt whizzes past my head as Hawke throws random spells over her shoulder. After a moment, Anders is at my side.

"Well, do something!" I bark at him.

"Wha-" Then Anders freezes all four of the monster's feet. It slips and falls flat onto its stomach. "That works!"

"Not exactly. HAWKE DIVE!" I scream.

Thankfully, she hears me and leaps forward, rolling behind some rubble, just as the dragon lets loose a huge plume of fire. While it's still on the ground, I clamor onto its back and run straight up to the head. Flipping my maul around, I shove the pointy end through the creature's eye. It starts to fling its head back, but Anders freezes its mouth shut and the dragon's jaws slam against the stone floor from the extra weight. I seize this moment to fully lodge my weapon in the eye socket. Dropping to my knees, I faze my hands through the skull. When I know I'm about half way though, my hands rematerialize, and I rip out two fistfuls of cerebrum. The dragon gives one final lurch and collapses onto the ground, limp. I shake my hands off, chunks of brain plopping onto the ground. _That. Was fun._

Hawke walks out of the cover, her face dumbfounded. She looks at the dragon's mangled head, the bloody pieces at my feet, and then up at me. "What the f—"

"Hawke, are you alright?!" Varric calls out, jogging to our location.

 _I swear if she's mad that I didn't let the dragon kill her!_

"Am I alright?! Am. I. Alright?" Her eyes are huge and wild. "Fenris just ripped this thing's brain out! I've never seen anything so awesome in my entire life!" She drops onto her knees and holds her hands up to her temples. "Did that just happen?!"

 _I really did just rip a dragon's brain out!_ This strikes me as ridiculously funny and I burst out laughing, in front of everyone, right there on the dragon corpse. _I'm glad she enjoyed it! I sure did!_

Varric gives me a concerned look. "The real question is, am I the only one seeing this or is Broody actually laughing?"

"I would just like to say, that I helped." Anders crosses his arms. "He would have been thrown off if I hadn't casted."

I roll my eyes but then concede, feeling happier than I've felt in a while. "It's true. He incapacitated it."

Hawke stands to her feet. "Job well done both of you. That was freaking amazing. And Varric? Excellent job with the hiding." She sasses him.

"Right. Because you weren't the damsel in destress or anything." Varric shoots back.

I almost snort at the image of Hawke as some helpless princess. _I have no doubt that she could have taken it on if we weren't here._

"I was supervising." She sticks out her tongue playfully.

"How fortunate for them, I'm sure." Varric says lightly. "If no one's seriously injured, lets scope out the room we just emptied." He turns and leads us back into the cavern.

We spot a side passage that we were previously too occupied to notice.

"This looks like exactly what we were searching for." Anders remarks as we enter it.

Sure enough, it opens into the main passage.

Varric grins widely and turns look at all of us. "Well, I'll be damned. We actually found a way around. Looks like this expedition might not be a waste after all. Bartrand will be thrilled. And by that I mean, less furious than he currently is."

* * *

(6) Justinian 11th

 _If I never see another rock again it'll be too soon._ We've been walking with the caravan for what has felt like an eternity. The bottoms of my feet are now entirely black, as dark as the night sky, from bruises. They are always discolored, but nothing like this. Thankfully, I've lost nearly all feeling in them. The only time this is actually a problem is when one of them has been bleeding for a while before I notice. Hawke is constantly worried and tries to bandage my feet every night. Occasionally I let her. As considerate and sweet as it is that she wants to do this, the tops of my feet are extremely ticklish, and I would rather no one found that out.

We emerge into a gigantic spacious cavern. There are runes carved into the stone. Elaborate statues and structures surround us. Giant white crystals protrude from the ground. The pillars and walls of dark rock are interlaced with some kind of red stone that pluses almost as if it were alive. It snakes up and down, more similar to vines than crystals.

"What is this?" Hawke asks, her face full of awe.

Varric takes a couple of steps ahead, taking in our surroundings. "It's some sort of primeval ruin."

Bartrand shoulders past him. "Anyone with eyes could figure that out, you nug licker. This would have been built before the first Blight… But none of it makes any sense. These aren't Dwarven runes, this place must be positively ancient!"

"Well, I'm glad you cleared that up." Hawke cuts her eyes a Bartrand.

 _I don't see why it matters. If there's treasure, we should take it and be on our way. If it's older it's probably worth more, great, fine, either way there is probably several fortunes down here._ I hang back, not wanting to involve myself. _Anything I say wouldn't matter to Bartrand anyway._

Not paying attention to anyone else, Bartrand picks up walking at a brisk speed through the ruin.

Varric looks at the rest of us and shrugs. "Everyone set up camp! Me and my crew will go on ahead with my brother!" He calls out and then motions for us to follow.

"I think your brother might be crazy." Hawke says to him, easily catching up with her longer strides.

"Might?" Varric grunts with annoyance.

Anders pushes past me and in-between Hawke and Varric. "What, is going on? Why exactly are we blindly going after your brother instead of setting up camp? This will, clearly, all be here after we've rested! I say we leave him to himself. Why is this necessary?"

 _Why are you such a bitch?_

"Blondie, regardless of his madness, he's family. We're going after him." Varric picks up his pace.

Anders falls back behind me again, murmuring, "…Not my family…"

We catch up to Bartrand at the entrance to some small Thaig, it looks like a tomb. He pushes the stone door open and all of us step inside. The place is mostly bare, with the exception of a glowing red idol sitting on a pedestal in the center.

"Oooo! Pretty!" Hawke runs over to the idol and picks it up. "This feels like lyrium. I didn't know it came in red. Do you think it does anything or is it just for decoration?"

The idol gives off a vibe that makes my markings itch. _Red lyrium? Is there such a thing? I can't imagine the magisters not knowing about it._ I flex my fingers. _Could there be some slave, or former slave, running around with red lines all over their body?_ I frown.

"It's definitely magic, and not the good kind." Anders say skeptically.

Hawke tosses it to Bartrand. "Do you recognize it? Any god of yours?"

As soon as it lands in his hands, Bartrand's eyes are locked on it. He studies the idol intensely. "This is a part of undocumented dwarven history! I can't imagine how much this is worth."

 _That's promising. May as well get some benefit out of the cursed object._

"Does that mean I can't keep it for a paper weight then?" Hawke says snarkily.

"It's fascinating." Bartrand runs his hand down the idol, refusing to advert his gaze.

Varric takes a step towards him. "I'm sure it is. Let's get it back to camp and wrap it up nice and safe."

"Yes…" Bartrand moves towards the door. "It's priceless…" He feverishly sprints through the door slamming it shut between him and us.

"BARTRAND!" Varric screams. "IT SHUT BEHIND YOU!"

 _What?!_

"You always did notice everything brother." Bartrand says.

Slamming his fists against the door, Varric pleads, "Let us out of here! Surely you wouldn't trade your own brother for a lousy Idol!"

"Please. The location of this Thaig alone is worth more than you. And I'm not splitting that three ways. You're on your own." Bartrand's footsteps begin to retreat away from the door.

Varric screams at the top of his lungs and slams his body against the door. He grabs his chest-hair with both hands. "I… I can't believe this."

 _I can. I just don't know why I didn't see this coming. UGH!_ I punch the pedestal with all my might, breaking off a chunk. _Lyrium! Of course. Magic has its nasty fingers in every wretched thing!_

Hawke runs over to Varric and puts her hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry-"

"Don't." He jerks away from her, fury in his eyes. "Nothing could make up for this. You trust someone your whole life… My own brother…?" His words stop forming coherent sentences and he begins to pace back and forth.

"Varric." Hawke again grabs his shoulder, he tries to pull away but she grabs the other one as well. "VARRIC! Look at me!" She turns him towards her, her face set in serious lines. When his eyes finally meet hers, she continues. "What happened was unspeakable. Bartrand will pay for what he did. But you couldn't have foreseen it, and it wasn't your fault. We have to set this aside for now and make it out of here alive. I'm the only family you need, and I will NEVER betray you."

He averts his eyes for a moment, presses his palms against his temples, and then looks back at Hawke sincerely and nods.

 _I can't comprehend how Hawke can be a mage and be so unaffected by the cruelty of magic! That idol had no effect on her… She's just as kind as I've ever seen her… It doesn't make any sense! Why didn't she run off with the idol when she had the chance? What makes her so different from every other mage I've ever met?!_

Releasing Varric's shoulders, Hawke stands up straight, her head high and face steeled and says, "Let's get the fuck out of here."


	15. Fresh Air

**The conclusion of the Deep Roads! See, that wasn't so bad was it? If it was, then I apologize; I tried. Enjoy!**

* * *

(6) Justinian 13th

After finding a back passage and spending the next couple of days slaughtering shades and profanes, we are halted in our tracks. A large creature rises from the ground. Its body appears as if it's made of light, its limbs heavy stones and its head a cracked skull.

"Cease. I will not see these creatures harmed without cause." The monster says to us.

"Sure. That's my bad. They haven't been trying to kill us at all." Hawke crosses her arms. "Anders, what is this thing?"

"It's some kind of demon. It's come here to feed." He answers with distain.

 _No surprise there!_ A strange noise leaves my throat; it's a cross between a laugh and a shiver. After all this time underground, the lack of sleep, and everything that's happened, I'm fairly delirious at this point. "Yes, perfect. I was so hoping it would be more demons!"

Hawke gives me a severely concerned look over her shoulder before turning back to face the demon.

"If you stop killing the profanes, I would be willing to help you escape this place." It says.

 _This is ridiculous! Could this expedition get any more infuriating?_ My shoulders shake as I actually start to laugh. "Can we please make a deal with it? That will be sure to fix everything and not cause a single other problem!"

Hawke holds her arms out to the sides. "I'm sorry man," She says to the hunger demon, "but I'm going to have to say no this time." She then punches it right in the face.

 _Yes!_ I step back and draw my maul.

The demon roars and smacks Hawke with a huge stone arm, sending her flying off to the side.

Hawke crashes into some rubble and looks up dazed. "I'm okay!"

"It's not," I say, slamming my maul against the arm that hit her. Shards of rock spray out upon impact, and the hand falls off. I strike the separated body part, shattering it. _I'd rather that wasn't reanimated._ An arrow flies past and lodges itself in the glowing center of the skull. The demon stumbles backward and paws franticly at the arrow. Seizing this distraction, I swing my weapon over my head, engage my lyrium, and demolish a stone foot. The demon falls to the ground, and the arrow in its face ignites. It shrieks and tries to rip the arrow out. The rock hand tears off the fletchings, but then a strike of lightning blasts it apart. I swing my maul upwards, striking the bottom of the skull and sending it flying off. The demon looks back at me with a glowing yellow face of solid energy. _There's nothing for me strike that will actually hurt it! Kaffas!_ I leap away, switching to defense. Hawke steps forward and uses force magic to lift it into the air, and slam it against the ground. This destroys the remaining rock. She then uses a telekinetic burst to pin the glowing form against the wall.

"FRY HIM!" Hawke yells.

Varric chucks several bottles of acid and Anders launches a flurry of electric blasts, his staff spinning furiously. The demon shakes violently and then crumbles to dust on the ground.

"Ha! That's what I thought!" Hawke does a little victory dance.

I shake my head, looking at her fondly. _She's so crazy._

"Not that I think we did the wrong thing, but we just killed our only help getting out of here. It's going to be ages before I get the chance to get my hands on my brother… that son of a bitch—Oh! Sorry mother." Varric scratches his head dejectedly.

Hawke walks over to him and gives him a hug. "We will get out of here. And I'll personally spit in his face before you shoot him."

"As will I." I nod to Varric. _I don't have anything against Varric._

"I believe that goes without saying. He did try to doom us." Anders frowns.

Hawke nods. "Should we set camp here?"

"I don't see why not. Seems as dangerous as anywhere else." Varric replies, still clearly despondent.

They all drop their bags and unpack the necessities. As Hawke finishes laying out her bed roll away from the group, she calls me over.

"Fenris, how long has it been since you've slept?" She asks. "I know you've had first watch the past three nights, but did you ever switch out and get any sleep? We've been down here a long time, and you still haven't joined me on my roll." Her face is full of concern.

 _I've scarcely had three hours since we've been down here. Just a few minutes here and there. I have to constantly be vigilant, I promised Hawke I would get her home safely._ "I've gotten sleep." I shrug my shoulders.

She frowns disbelievingly. "Really? Because I thought you were either about to slit your own wrist or kiss that demon a minute ago. You don't seem like you're all there."

I stand up straighter. "I apologize. It caught me off guard, and I was incredulous. Won't happen again." _Am I really out of my head that much? Wait… I did start laughing didn't I…?_

Hawke sits down on the mat. "You're right, it won't." She scoots to the over and lays on her side then pats the spot next to her. "Because, you're sleeping with me." A snicker leaves her mouth before she covers it.

My forehead wrinkles. "I don't think that's the best idea, I need to—"

"You can protect me even better if you're right beside me. I don't want to hear it. Besides, you don't want me to be cold and lonely, do you?" She looks around. "I think there's a draft. Brrr…"

 _If there was a draft we wouldn't be still be stuck down here._ "I don't feel anything."

Hawke draws the blankets around her shoulders and makes herself shiver.

"Faker." _But I probably should get some sleep. At least an hour. Besides, Anders will hate it._ I lie down next to her. "Still, you don't need to be lonely."

"Yay!" Hawke exclaims and then rolls over to press her back against me. She pauses and then twists around. "Okay, you have to ditch the armor, it's pokey."

I look at my chest plate and sigh. "Fine. But if I die from a chest wound delivered in the middle of the night, you will be taking full responsibility." I remove it and my gauntlets then lay back down. _I didn't realize how tired I was._

"Aw! Anders look! Aren't they just the cutest!" Varric calls out and then chuckles.

Without looking, I hold up my middle finger before putting my arm around Hawke and pulling her against my tunic. She smells like earth, but I can still pick up the comforting scent of her that I'm accustomed to. _It's not going to be difficult to sleep at all._

"We are cute, aren't we?" Hawke says, smug, and nestles against my chest.

 _One of us is._

"I think we put all other couples to shame." She boasts. "I mean, no one would ever think we would be together, but here we are, snuggling in the Deep Roads. And clearly, we're both gorgeous. I can't think of a more attractive man than you, and I've tried. Although I do look like I was built to be a warrior instead of a mage. My shoulders are pretty big, and I don't know why; it isn't like I work out. Do you think I'm too beefy? Aveline still has me beat, but that doesn't mean a whole lot. I don't know why I can't just look like Isabela. What was it that guy called her? A dusky goddess? I want to be a goddess. Instead, I'm just pale and misleading. My boobs could be bigger… Do you wish I looked more like Isabela?"

"No."I flick her wrist. "Go to sleep." _If I wanted Isabela, I would be with Isabela. I want Hawke._

"You're distracting me." She fidgets, wiggling her shoulders.

 _How am I distracting? She's the only one talking._ "If you would prefer, I can sleep against the wall." I tell her.

She instantly stills. "No that's okay. I want you here."

"Good." I draw her even closer to me, put my face against the back of her neck, and close my eyes.

Hawke whispers, "Thank you. I just want you to get some rest. Goodnight."

(6) Justinian 18th

"The rock wraiths are supposed to be dwarven legend! They aren't even supposed to be real!" Varric exclaims, pulling a shard of stone out of a cut on his arm.

"Seemed pretty real when it was smacking us around." Hawke shrugs. "Thankfully, we smack back even harder."

Varric nods. "I suppose it doesn't matter, look at what it was guarding!" He points ahead of us at a huge stockpile of treasure just inside an alcove.

I raise my eyebrows. "I must say, that's a refreshing sight after all this monotonous rock."

"Maybe there's something that can help us get out of here!" Hawke exclaims. She runs forward and starts rummaging through treasure chests.

The rest of us join her and scour the room. We pile the most expensive pieces in the center, keeping a look out for anything especially useful.

After a short while, Hawke trills excitedly. "I found a key that'll get us out of this crypt!"

 _Thank the Maker. I was beginning to think I was going to spend the rest of my life down here with Anders._

"How do you know? That could be a key to anything." Anders sighs.

Hawke marches up to him. "It is clearly a door key. And if it doesn't, I know exactly where I'm going to shove it." She squints.

 _I would pay to see that._

"Perfect Hawke!" Varric grins broadly and takes the key from her. "She's right, this is a key to a crypt door. Usually, there's only one. So this should unlock an exit."

"It's about time we got lucky." Anders perks up.

I leer at him. "You never will."

"At least I—" Anders starts but is cut off.

Varric holds up both hands. "I've heard enough bickering to last a life time. One more word to each other before we're on the surface, and I'm putting you both in time out."

 _That's… fair. I only bother because there is literally nothing better to do. Ugh. Please let this key get us out of here quickly._

"We aren't babysitting them." Hawke snickers.

Varric looks her incredulously. "I'm babysitting all three of you."

Her jaw drops and she gasps, offended. I roll my eyes, and Anders crosses his arms in irritation.

"Well, we are all babes." Hawke says, her face smug.

 _Um no._

"You guys? I mean maybe, to someone who hadn't seen me." Varric ribs her.

"You're right, we all kneel in the presence of your chest hair." Hawke moves her arms in mock worship.

Anders pulls the neck of his robes and looks at his chest. He sighs and doesn't say anything.

 _Why are they so strange? I'm glad that I only have hair on my head._ I load myself up with treasure from our pile. "We should move on."

Everyone agrees, and we search for the door that goes to this key. Within minutes, we find it and go through.

Varric surveys the passage. "I'd say this is actually our path back to the surface."

"Excellent. How long do think it'll take?" Anders asks.

"If we're unlucky, maybe a week." Varric tells us.

A shiver runs through me. _Just one more week. Just one. Then I'm free of this prison. I'll get to see the sky again._

"And if we're lucky?" Hawke begins walking again.

Looking forward grimly, Varric replies, "We stumble over Bartrand's corpse on the way."

(6) Justinian 23th

"Home sweet home. Finally." Varric says as we begin to see light signaling the end of the Deep Roads. "I wonder if Bartrand came back to the city. You think I'd be that lucky?"

Anders scoffs.

"Luck hasn't exactly been a strong point when it comes to him." Hawke replies sadly.

"That is true. I'm sorry about all of this everyone. I should have seen his betrayal coming. I'll find that maggot if it's the last thing I do." He clenches a fist. "At any rate, it wasn't all for nothing. Hawke, you'll be a very wealthy woman."

"As nice as that is." Hawke slings her arms around the three of us and pulls us into a tight hug. I flinch and growl at the sudden nearness to everyone. "I care more that I have you guys in my life."

She turns us loose, and I take a quick step away. _Ugh! I appreciate the sentiment, but I hope that never happens again._

Varric chuckles. "Well, thank you. We love you too. But look what you did, you made Fenris glow!"

I glare at him but my embarrassment just makes my marking burn even more. _Fasta vass!_

"Yeah, he gets brighter the more you touch him." Hawke wrinkles her nose with humor.

 _I cannot wait until I'm home. The spiders are much less bothersome. I have spent far too much time with these people._

"No one asked." Anders grumbles.

We finally emerge from the tunnel. I spot a patch of grass, run over, and stand it. Taking a deep breath, I sigh with relief and gaze up at the sky. _This is so much better. I am never returning to the Deep Roads or spending this much time with anyone ever again._ I shudder at the thought.

Hawke giggles, drawing my attention. "Does the grass feel good on your feetsies?"

"I am simply relieved to be free again." I tell her. _Feetsies…_

"Me too." She smiles and then removes her boots and joins me. She flexes her toes in the grass. "This is so nice."

"It is. I'm going home." I nod to her and Varric before turning my back and walking decidedly towards home. _I have to get away before someone decides there is something else we must do._


	16. Comforting Promiscuity

**You're welcome ;) enjoy! Warning: May cause nose bleeds!**

* * *

(6) Justinian 23th

When I get home, I immediately march up the stairs, strip off all my armor and clothing, wash it, and then take a bath. _This is the first time I've had real quiet in so long._ I sink under the water until only my eyes are above the surface. I close them. I revel in the sound of the water sloshing lightly against my ears. _I'm glad to have access to this much water again. I believe there is as much dirt on me now as there was when I first arrived here._ Sitting up, I grab the soap. It's Tevinter, far too expensive and smelly for my tastes, and I wouldn't use it if it were not absolutely necessary. _I'm going to smell like flowers and slavery…_ Mumbling under my breath, I reluctantly put the bar to my feet are free of caked blood and my hair is white again, I step out of the bath. As I shake the water out of my hair, droplets splatter the walls. I hang up my clothing to dry and look for something else to wear. My feet leave wet footprints behind me as I enter one of the side rooms to search. There isn't anything in my room because I don't own any spare clothes, and I threw the dresser of Danarius' belongings out the window one day when I was particularly angry. I find a chest with a few garments about my size. _This must have belonged to another slave._ A growl resonates in my throat. _He's most certainly be dead by now. Regardless, I can get some use out of these._ I pull out some underclothes and a pair of pants. Putting them on offers some difficulty as tight clothing and damp skin do not cooperate. _Stupid soap. My skin feels all wrong now._

A loud banging reverberates from the front door. I cringe. _There is no chance of me opening that._ I ignore the sound and walk back into my bedroom. The sound starts up a second time. _Whoever it is can come back in a couple weeks. I have no interest in company or conversation._ I sit in my chair next to the unlit fire. Again, the bashing sounds off, this time twice as loud. I squeeze my eyes shut. _It'll go away. Just be patient._

"…OPEN…DOOR FENRIS…SWEAR…KILL YOU…HARD…" I hear Hawke's voice, bits and pieces of what she's screaming.

 _For crying out loud! I just saw her, what could she possibly want?!_ I clench my fists tightly, digging my fingernails into my palms. I rise from my chair and begin making my way to the door, livid.

"…SET YOU… FIRE… DON'T CARE…"

I snatch the door open. "What?!" I snap. Then I see Hawke's face; it's flushed red with anger and streaked with tears. Her hair is stuck to her cheeks, and it appears that she's been ripping chunks out.

She grumbles loudly and collapses to the ground in furious sobs.

 _What happened?!_ I squat down next to Hawke and place a hand on her shoulder, my anger replaced with worry. "Are… you alright? What's going on?"

"My brother is a dick!" She punches the dirt.

"I'm aware. What did he do?" _This is about Carver. And he isn't dead?_

Hawke looks up at me, full of rage. She wipes her tears away. "The idiot joined the templars! My mother is inconsolable! Carver is the baby; if he gets himself killed, after what happened to Bethany, she will literally die of a broken heart! Even now she's barely going to see him, he moved out tonight! I'm an apostate; what was he thinking?!"

 _He didn't exactly have a lot of options. There was no way he could know Hawke would return with a fortune from the Deep Roads. There are worse things to be than a templar. Still, he hurt Hawke, and that is unacceptable._ "I'm going to say he was thinking of himself. I'm sorry."

"I'll say! The thing is, I'm furious, and I want to hate him, but I can't! I'm just really worried and want him back home! He's my stupid little brother… And I love him… Now who am I going to pick on and push out of the bunk in the middle of the night?" Hawke starts to cry again.

 _Poor thing. No reason for her to sit in the dirt and cry._ I slide my hands under Hawke's arms, lift her up, and put her over my shoulder.

She sniffles. "Hey, what are you doing?"

I kick the door closed and carry her upstairs. "Bringing you inside." I walk over and lay her on the bed, taking a seat on it beside her.

"Thank you." Hawke swipes at her still teary eyes. "I thought things were going to start looking up once we got back from the Deep Roads… but now there's just this. Mother couldn't even listen to me when I told her we were going to be rich. I did this for my family, and now we have one less." She scoots closer to me and leans against me. I don't flinch because I've gotten used to her touch on my arms and shoulders. "It's so infuriating."

 _What do I say?_ I run my hand through her hair in an attempt to comfort her. "He probably won't die."

This makes her chuckle slightly. She twists around to give me a funny look. "Thanks, I feel so much better now."

I drop my hand from her hair and look away. _Ugh. Well, I tried._

Hawke's face changes, and she sniffs the air. "You smell like a Chantry sister."

I look back at her with a bewildered expression. "What?" _How did we go from crying to that? Also, a Chantry sister? What does that even smell like? Incense and chastity?_

She gives a small smirk. "And you're not wearing a shirt."

I snort humorously. "You're very observant."

She sighs and flops onto her back, letting out an unpleasant bellow. "I'm sad. Cheer me up."

Razing an eyebrow at her, I ask, "What do you want me to do? I already told you he probably wasn't going to die."

"Hmmm… Will you let me trace the markings on your chest?" Hawke looks up at me hopefully.

"No." I tell her. _That is not necessary._

She scowls. "Are you sure? I'll let you run your hands over mine in exchange."

"You would let me do that anyway." I squint at her as a smile plays at the corner of my lips. _She's ridiculous._

"Okay, you're right. Do you want to?" She rolls on her side facing me, posing.

 _Yes. Very much so._ I don't say anything and just stare at her somewhat lustfully. _I've never not wanted to._

Hawke's eyes widen. "That's a yes! Then do it, distract me from my problems. Whatever you want to do to me, go ahead."

I shake my head. "I don't think so." _I really shouldn't._

"Alright suit yourself. But you can if you want to, and I would keep my hands to myself. It would be all you, nothing you weren't comfortable with. That offer stands for whenever you want to take me up on it." She smiles.

 _But I really want to. And she looks so sad with those red eyes… It couldn't hurt to cheer her up…_ "I appreciate that." I stand up and venture back into the guest room to fetch a tunic. I pull a grey one from the trunk and put it on. _Now my markings won't be such a problem._ I return to the bed and sit back down.

"I'm going to take that as, probably another time." She chuckles.

"Shhhhh." I push her onto her back.

Hawke raises her eyebrows high. She reaches for the clasps on the neck of her robes, but I push her hand aside. I grab the fabric at the center of her chest with both hands and rip it to the sides.

She gasps. "Well that was sudden!"

I smile and then split the material all the way down to her waist, revealing her under clothes. Guiding her to sit up, I pull her robes off her shoulders and then over her hips and finally off her legs. I toss them to the ground and take a good look at her. Her pale skin is gorgeous exposed like this, shielded only by two tiny garments of silky purple. She leans back propped up on her elbows; her cheeks are flushed red, and shock covers her face. "You, are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on." I tell her. Every single one of my markings burn as I look at her.

She blushes even more. "Why thank you." She gives me seductive look. "What are you waiting for?"

I move forward and hold myself up over her, only a little space separating our bodies. I press my forehead against hers and then look into her eyes. "This isn't going to be regular thing, it's to cheer you up."

She nods vigorously, biting her bottom lip. I nod back and lower myself on top of her. My hands twine in her hair and then I'm kissing her. My thoughts all but melt away. Keeping her end of the bargain, her hands tangle in the sheets rather than grabbing me. I move my lips from hers, kissing my way to her jaw. As I kiss her at just the top of her neck, running my tongue lightly across her skin, she arches her back, pressing herself against me. The light of my markings shines through my clothes, projecting onto her soft skin, but the burn is still bearable. I shift my weight to the side and run my fingers down her chest, stopping just above her bra. She pushes her chest against my hand as I let it trail lightly across her breasts. _Makers breath._ I move back on top of her and kiss her from her neck down to her waist. I grab both of her hips and gently nibble right above her underwear. She squeezes my torso between her thighs. I crawl forward and find her lips with mine again. Cupping her face with one hand, I roll us onto our sides. I slide my other hand down her back and cup her butt, pulling her tightly against me. Her arms remain at her sides, hands in fists. We kiss passionately, our lips almost frantic. She puts her leg over my hip and locking me to her. I move my mouth to her earlobe and take it between my lips. She lets out a little shriek and for some reason, this strikes me as hilarious. I lean my head back and start laughing, my chest shaking.

"Hey! What?!" She smacks my shoulder but this just makes me laugh harder. She pulls her leg back, freeing me. "Stop that!"

I roll onto my back and cover my face with my hands. "What was that sound?!"

"I don't know! I've never made it before!" Hawke starts giggling. "Give me one of your pointy ears; I bet you'll do the same thing!"

She leans towards me, and I jump out of the bed. "No thank you!" I say, catching my breath. _That was something…_

Hawke flops onto her back and exhales sharply. She looks up at me. "Round two?"

I chuckle. "By the looks of it, you're not sad anymore. My job is done." _As much I want to keep going, it's a terrible idea. I don't think I would be able to stop, and I'm not doing that until she knows everything._

She pounds her fists lightly against the mattress in a fake tantrum. "Humph."

I shake my head and perch on the corner of the bed.

After a moment of pouting, Hawke retrieves her robes from the floor. "You know you ruined this right?"

I shrug. "I'm sure you have ten other ones that you pulled out of various chests."

"I do, but what am I supposed to wear home? If I show up in this, my mother will have a second heart attack tonight." Hawke snickers. "Although it would almost be worth it to see Gamlen's face."

Smirking, I say, "You could wear that to the Hanged Man and then get something from Isabela."

Hawke's face lights up and she grins broadly. "That is the best idea. I can't wait for her jaw to drop." She steps into the robes and pulls them on, the split ridiculously sexy.

"On second thought, I don't think I can let you walk to the Hanged Man alone in that." I scratch my head absently.

She laughs. "How many people have you seen me burn to death? Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not even drunk."

I follow Hawke to the door and let her out.

"Thank you for all this." She kisses me on the cheek. "It really helped. I'm glad I have you."

"I'm glad I have you as well."

"Now, I'm going to leave you alone for a while. Sorry for disturbing you." She winks at me and then takes off through Hightown.

I close the door and return to my chair by the fireplace. I take a deep breath. _What have I gotten myself into? Yes, that was wonderful, but now she's going to expect it. I may have made things worse for both of us… I hope not. Perhaps tonight can be just like our other slip up and we can, never forget it, but put it behind us._


	17. Mutual Dereliction

**I know :'( sadly, much angst is required with Fenris. It gets so much better I promise!**

* * *

(7) Solace 7th

I look through my bedroom window out into the street. People pass, carrying out their daily business, completely unnoticed by me. They could all be stark naked and I wouldn't know it. My eyes aren't actually focused on anything, I just stare and think. _It's been two weeks. She has never gone longer than three days without stopping by. Aveline says she's fine, just busy moving into the new mansion. Hawke's been busy before. She always visits. And now she's living in Hightown, so much closer. Something must be wrong… No, she's probably just giving me my space after the Deep Roads. I appreciate that._ I step away from the window and pick up my sword to polish it for the seventh time in as many hours.

* * *

(7) Solace 15th

I knock on the door of Hawke's new estate. After a little over three weeks, I've begun to miss her. It's been strange sleeping alone in my bed. As much as I may not like to admit it, I slept better when she was with me. There was comfort in knowing exactly where she was and being there to defend her if the need arose.

A moment later, the dwarf Bohdan opens the door. "Good morning! Step inside. I hope you're doing well. I was beginning to wonder when you'd be stopping by. On the expedition, the two of you seemed inseparable. Serah Hawke is upstairs in her room, would you like me to fetch her or will you be going up?"

Stepping inside, caught off guard by the dwarf's presence, I say, "Um… Well… I'll go up." _Bohdan is her door man now? How strange._ "You work for Hawke?" I look around and take in gloriousness of the manor. There is a large elaborate fire place with a fainting couch in front of it. The staircases are ornate and everything is in immaculate condition. _She has certainly moved up in the world._

He nods. "Messere Hawke was gracious enough to let my boy stay here so he would be safe. I offered to work for her in exchange, but she's kind enough to pay me."

"You couldn't work for anyone more kind." I don't smile but I'm pleased to hear this. _I'm not the only one Hawke's saved. She's too good of a person._

"I agree. Now, hurry, I'm sure she'll be thrilled to see you." Bohdan dips his head and steps backward.

I make my way up the stairs. Pausing, I almost turn around and head right back out the door. But knowing Bohdan is watching me causes me to push my trepidation aside and knock on her bedroom door. _I hope this isn't a mistake._

Hawke opens the door and grins when she sees me. "Fenris! You're here!" She ushers me in and closes the door. "What do you think?! Isn't it incredible?"

"It is." I nod. "You deserve it." _But I miss you._

Her room is well furnished. She has a king size four poster bed. My eyes linger there for a moment longer than they should, envisioning Hawke draped across it in only her under clothes. _This is a bed actually befitting her._ I force the thoughts out of my mind by taking in the spacious dressers, and various array of decorations. The condition of everything makes me feel slightly self-conscious about the disarray I live in.

"We've finally gotten all settled in. Much to mother's dismay though, Carver has no interest in coming back home. He hasn't even visited." She twists her lips in irritation. "Everyone else has stopped by though. They love it here."

 _I bet Anders has showed up, alone, at night, more than once._ "I couldn't see why they wouldn't. Carver doesn't know what he's missing."

"Yeah… Can I talk to you for a minute?" Hawke looks at me nervously and my heart starts to beat faster.

"We are talking." I tell her, not knowing what else to say. _I wonder what the problem is._

She takes a deep breath. "I'm not going to be spending the night at you place anymore."

 _That's all?_ "Of course not. This is much nicer, I wouldn't expect you to."

"Yes… But that's not exactly it. I'm not going to be climbing in your bed anymore or tracing the markings on your arms or anything like that." She clasps her hands in front of her. "I've been pressuring you into things, and I feel guilty about it."

 _What?_ My eyebrows knit together. _What brought this on? Is she ending our… whatever this is?_ "I'm confused." _Maybe she's finally decided I'm not worth the effort._

Hawke runs her fingers through her bangs. "Look, I don't want to be in a fake relationship and more than that, I don't want to make your life any more complicated or difficult. I think I should step back. I think that would be best."

 _If that's what would make her happy… I like the way she makes my life complicated… But I love her. And she's right, I'm not ready for anything real. It probably is best if she moves on. It's better if she's happy._ "You shouldn't have to put up with me. You don't have to. I know I'm a mess. I will still help you out with everything. And I'm sure you'll find someone who can make you happy." I turn and grab the door knob but she stops me with a hand on my shoulder. I look back at her.

"No." Her face is serious. "You misunderstand me. I'm not leaving you, I'm stepping back until you close the gap. I told you before that you couldn't get rid of me and that I would wait for you. I meant that. This time I'm actually going to give you the space and time you need instead of being my usual impatient self."

 _I don't deserve that. I have already stolen so much of her time… Why is she so caring?_ "You shouldn't throw away your time waiting for me. I don't know if I'll ever be anything close to what you deserve to have."

"Fenris. You told me before that it was possible for us to be together, that's all I need. I'm in love with you, remember? You can't talk me out of that." She winks at me, smiling. "I'm just going to make it easier on you by not constantly trying to get in your pants."

"That is… very considerate. Thank you." _How is it that I've been able to go from a fugitive, living minute to minute, to having a stable life as part of a team with a beautiful woman in love with me? The only explanation I can come up with is that the Maker put her in my life. I'm grateful and I'm not going to argue with it._

It's strange the way time passes. I sit in silence, I pace, I follow Hawke and the group around. The sun rises and sets. I toss and turn alone in my bed, longing for Hawke's touch; but she doesn't appear, and I don't seek her out. Hawke keeps her word and our relationship stagnates. Never since our talk do I feel her hand on my thigh under the table or find her unexpectedly in my house taking a bath. She doesn't drag me along to the Hanged Man any more. I rarely go. I seem to be no more to her than anyone else, but certainly less than Varric as I'm not much use in conversation. With her no longer constantly searching for me, I have to try harder to engage her attention. This is no easy task for me; even I know that my stories are dull, lifeless words, strung together with no point. Still, I keep telling them, not being able to bear the thought of only talking to her in passing. I need the familiarity her voice offers, the voice that chained me to Kirkwall all those months ago, the voice that tamed the ferocious animal I was. The days I am unable to hear it are the worst; that's when I feel alone and my skin is cold even before a roaring fire. When I see her, Hawke's eyes still warm my skin, and she continues to grin at me. She isn't cold or exactly distant, it's just that she isn't mine. Not the way she used to be. She's still as kind as she's always been, but the stark contrast in her behavior burns me the way the magic in her hands could.

 _I hadn't realized how dependent I had become on her affections. It's my fault that I feel useless when she doesn't seem to want me. Venhedis. I've made her my master. This separation is exactly what I need, I must find a way to exist without her. I have always been reliant on something, my slaver, constant running, and now Hawke. I'm so weak. I have no identity. So, I will force myself to stay here, be strong, and make my name mean something worthwhile._

As months go by, I keep expecting something to change, as if one day I'll wake up with a few less scars and be a whole person. I try to find things that I enjoy doing, and that works, more or less. Sword training with Aveline is pleasant, drinking wine alone is even better, occasionally I venture out to listen to Varric. I form routines and then break them in hopes of the next ones being fulfilling in some way. Yet, none of my efforts ever amount to anything. My social skills remain critically low; relentless pessimism is probably to blame for that. I never feel less empty, and I certainly never feel ready to let Hawke in. If anything, I grow more restless.

 _The longer I'm in one place the closer Danarius must be to locating me. That thought should give me comfort, rather than putting me on edge. As much as I look forward to killing him, how is it that as the day nears I'm becoming more jumpy? Or is that an entirely separate issue? Perhaps my unrest is due more to my separation from Hawke… I don't know if that's better or worse… Conceivably, it could be normal to feel this way when distanced from the one you love. I wouldn't know. I've never loved anything before._

One comfort I've found, however, is that I have begun to actually trust the other members of our team. Aveline most of all. I would let her fight at my back against any foe without a second thought. If there was someone I'd allow to kill Danarius in my stead, it would be her. Not that I wouldn't want Hawke to do it, but Aveline would be sensible and not get herself killed. Then there's Isabela. While I'd never trust her alone with my money, or me for that matter, I've come to see that she really cares about all of us. She wouldn't stand to see us put in any real danger, especially not Merrill. Why she's so taken with the blood mage, I don't know. Perhaps she thinks she can redeem her. For a maleficar, Merrill has done an exceptional job of resisting possession. She's far from immune to it, and I can't have any respect for someone who uses such magic, but I'll admit she's strong and that she's only been kind to me. Because of this, I will work with her unquestioningly until she provides me with a reason not to. I'd like to hate Varric, but I just envy him. He knows Hawke better than anyone. Thankfully, he's completely blind to her. I'm unsure if that's lucky for me, or for him. Hawke is an infuriating tornado. She is always either worrying me or irritating me. Yet, I could never care about anyone else as much. I can't explain why exactly I fell in love with her or how I'm still in love with her now. All I know is that I am. She waltzed into my life one day, the epitome of everything I hate, and nagged me incessantly until she was the first thing on my mind every morning and the last thing in my thoughts at night. I tend to hope that I occupy her mind the same way, even now. Lastly, there's Anders. If possible, I trust him less than I did when we met, and that day I grabbed him by the throat and tried to kill him. He's despicable, and I hope he dies. Painfully.

For three painstakingly uneventful years I pushed through the days with no Hawke to hold in my arms at night. Whether this time apart actually did me any good isn't something I should judge, considering my pessimism. If it did, the changes in me were minor, and I hate myself for that.

 _How long before Hawke checks in on me to see if I'm ready to be with her? I've been so unreasonable keeping her waiting this long. I don't understand how she's waited for me… It would have been a mercy to both of us if I had cut her loose at her house that day, lied and told her I didn't want to be with her. As it stands… I'm going to have to tell her something soon. But what? 'Sorry, that didn't help. Please try again in another three years.' Isn't acceptable. There's no good outcome to this. Either I lie and end up in a worse situation than I was in three years ago or I tell the truth and we let each other go both knowing we waisted three years of our lives._ I scream at top my lungs and slam my fist against the brick of the fireplace over and over again. When the skin splits and my hand is bathed in blood, I grit my teeth and punch harder. My second knuckle breaks and I focus on the pain, glad for it. I start on the brick with my other hand. Chunks break off and crumble to the ground, while others lodge themselves in my fists. Reveling in the pain for the distraction it offers, I shove away the pressing thoughts, deciding that another day won't matter after three years.


	18. Prodigious Proceedings

**This chapter is a bit of a** **roller coaster, it has some of everything. I hope you like it!**

* * *

(6) Justinian 3rd

Isabela plops down in my chair before the fire. I roll my eyes and take the other seat.

"What brings you here Isabela?" I raise an eyebrow at her.

"I was bored and no one seemed to be doing anything fun." She crosses her legs and leans back in my chair.

I snort. "Well, sorry to disappoint you. I never do anything you'd consider fun, I'm sure." _I hardly do anything that I consider fun._

"I'm not disappointed." Isabela grins. "I knew exactly what to expect with you. _You_ don't have to do anything to be entertaining."

"So, what then? You're here to look at me?" I cross my arms, wishing I had my chest plate on.

She fiddles with her lip ring. "That's a perk. But mostly, I need some questions answered."

 _Ah, naturally. What would a visit be without the mandatory interrogation? Ugh._ "Hmm… Well, I hate fish."

Isabela coughs in surprise. "What? Why would you hate fish? They just, sort of, swim around. Also, why on earth did you think I was going to ask that?" She chuckles.

"Not fish as a species. I refuse to eat fish. There. I answered your question, happy?" I smirk slightly. _It's actually nice to have a visitor… Didn't expect to ever be glad to have Isabela here. This is the first time someone other than me has been in this room since the last time I kissed Hawke…_ My eyes flick over to the bed, but I quickly pull them back. Not before Isabela catches them however.

She raises an eyebrow sharply. "Now, that leads to my actual questions. I've figured out that you and Hawke never-" she makes a circle with one hand and puts a finger through it. "Which is beyond me. I imagine it has something to do with your tortured soul angle. And I've also noticed that you two are hardly couplely anymore. Seems you've moved on. So, I thought I'd ask if you wanted something more casual. You don't have to worry about being too happy or breaking my heart or anything. You can just screw me whenever you feel like it. No guilt." She holds her arms out, clearly pleased with her proposal.

My breath hitches in my throat. I'm accustomed to Isabela's forwardness and dirty mind, but this wasn't a joke, and I wasn't expecting it. My marking buzz, lighting up the dim room with my embarrassment. I press the fingers of one hand to my forehead and close my eyes. _I can't say that it wouldn't be nice, and so much easier. If I hadn't fallen for Hawke it's possible that I would have gladly accepted such an offer, pain set aside… As it is, it would create far more problems than it would help me forget; I could never do that to Hawke._ I look up at the beautiful pirate. "I'm afraid my heart belongs to another. And with it, my body as well."

"Damn, you're a gentleman. How on earth did Hawke get to you?" Isabela stands to her feet and gestures at her body. "I offer you free sex, really good sex too, in your own house, where no one ever has to know about it, and you turn me down. It's been three years since you've had a smell of a woman, and you barely had that back then. Fenris, I do believe you are the strangest man I've ever met." She looks at me unbelievingly and steps closer to loom over me in the chair. "Are you not interested in the slightest?"

I snap out of my chair, chest to chest with her. I grab her forearms, pinning them harshly to her sides. "Oh, I'm very interested." She freezes and stares at me, wide eyed. I breathe in her face. "I just have no intention of acting on it." Releasing her arms, I push her away from me with two fingers against her sternum.

Isabela shivers and squeezes her knees together. "Andraste's ass." She grins. "Alright, I'll respect that." She sits back down. "But can I just say, damn. You could have any woman in Thedas with just a look. No to mention if you said three words to them." She makes a purring sound in the back of her throat.

Retaking my seat, "Thank you. I'm just interested in the one."

"On a totally unrelated note, you wouldn't happen to have any spare panties here?" Isabela bites her top lip trying to look innocent.

I roll my eyes. "In fact, not." _This woman._

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Isabela sits up, putting her hands on her knees. "Those tax collectors you mentioned a while ago won't be coming around again. It's a funny story."

I hear a noise from downstairs and my attention leaves her entirely. "I'll pass. But thank you for the help." _Did someone come in the door? Or did I imagine that?_

"Spoilsport. Why you still want to squat up here in Hightown is beyond me." She stands back up, clearly sensing I'm done with our conversation.

I shrug. "I like the view."

Isabela's eyes drop to my lap. "So, do I." Then she spins on her heel and heads for the door. As she crosses the room, Hawke enters.

"You?!" Both women exclaim at the same time.

I jump out of the chair. _What's she doing here?! Ugh. Stupid question. I know exactly what she's here to talk about. I just didn't expect it to be tonight…_

"What are you here for, Isabela?" Hawke asks, crossing her arms.

"The usual. He turned me down though. Maybe you'll have better luck." Isabela kisses Hawke on the cheek and exist the room.

Just the sight of Hawke in my room again makes my heart beat faster. All my thoughts begin to race and blend together. _What do I say to her? What can I say?!_ "Three years." The words, while not having my permission to exit, come out surprisingly steady. "There's still been no sign of Danarius. I'm beginning to wonder if he's finally given up." _Ugh. Perfect, that's exactly what she wants to talk about, Danarius… At least it'll change the subject for a moment…_ I sit down in my chair and gesture for Hawke to take the other one.

Hawke takes the seat a slight smirk on her lips. "Don't tell me you're going to miss all the attention."

 _Not nearly as much as I've missed yours_. I give her a half smile in return. "Tell me, what do you do when you stop running? When there's no longer anything to run from?"

She pauses, taken aback. "An odd question. You haven't been running for a while, not really. I'd say… you build a life. Find someone to run to. Isn't that what you've been doing?"

I prop my chin on my hand. _The problem is I run to you too much. You're my crutch._ "I… I've tried. I don't know how. As you know, my earliest memory was receiving these markings. You say, 'build a life,' but I don't remember what that feels like. I wouldn't know if I had built one. All the days before I was a slave are lost to me… I shouldn't trouble you with this. My problems aren't yours; they haven't been for a while." I look away from her, ashamed of how little I've accomplished. _I wish she would go. I'm pathetic…_

"They could be. Your problems matter a great deal to me. Fenris, do you honestly think I've stopped caring about you?" Hawke's face creases in concern.

"Of course not." I trace the lines in the floor with my eyes. "It's just that I haven't changed enough. I don't deserve you. I'm still the same bitter escaped slave I was… Even my name, Fenris, exhibits that. It means little wolf, essentially, Danarius' dog. I never told you because it's embarrassing. But again, this is not your concern." _Just go. Leave me here. You'd be happier without me._

Her eyes widen in shock. "I had no idea. But I don't see it as embarrassing. Wolves are deadly, full of fierce beauty and skill. Little ones are the most lethal because of their speed. I think it suits you. I'm not even going to address the notion of you not deserving me." She sits up, trying to look me in the eyes despite my avoiding her gaze. "I think I've made it clear that anything to do with you is very much my concern. I think I can help with your problems. Well, sometimes I might give you a few more." She winks at me, trying to lighten the air.

Appreciating her attempt, I let myself chuckle and look at her. "Only a few?"

"It depends on if I really work at it. Would it be so bad if I were the thorn in your side again?" Hawke asks the question with an underlying seriousness. She waits to see if I'll invite her back into my life.

Her pleading eyes melt away the armor I had put up around my emotions. It's all I can do to not tell her I love her, and miss her, and beg her to live with me, never to leave me alone for the night again. I long to kiss her and shove all my doubts aside. My fear gets the better of me and I settle for, "Tempting. You're always tempting." I look at her yearningly. "You're a beautiful woman Hawke. After all this time, isn't there someone else, more deserving, that has your… attention?"

Hawke gives me a fake bashful look. "What was that second part? I think I missed it."

I shake my head, unable to help the smile that spreads across my face. _How I've missed one on one conversations with her._ "I don't need to repeat the obvious, I'm certain."

"Maybe you don't, but it seems I do." Hawke stands up and looks at me with all seriousness. "I love you. Fenris, I love you. I loved you three years ago, and I love you now. All that crap about not deserving me, you can shove up your ass. I love you, and that's how it is. No games."

My heart starts beating faster. _She always does this to me. But she loves me… and that really matters… Ugh. Why couldn't this just be simple?_ "Hawke… I believe you… but I've wasted these years. Hardly anything has changed. However… my feelings for you have…" _No. I can't tell her I love her. That would make it worse for her if I ever have to leave. I should tell her I don't care for her, free her from me before I drag her down any further…_

"And?" Hawke's bottom lip quivers, her eyes glimmering with moisture. "How have they changed?"

 _Don't look at me like that… I can't make her cry! Fasta vass! But she should have better!_ I press my fingers hard against my temples. "I… They… It's…" I take a deep breath and stand to my feet. "They have grown stronger." I look into her beautiful icy blue eyes. _That's it. I'm in. No turning back now._

Hawke lets out a choked breath of relief and covers her mouth with her hand. The tears spill out onto her cheeks.

Unable to stand watching her cry, I pull her into a tight hug and run my fingers soothingly over her hair. She wraps her arms around me in return, and I rest my forehead against her shoulder, uncaring about the glow of my markings. I breathe in her scent. "Maker, how I've missed you Hawke."

She sniffles and nods, unable to say anything.

I lift my head and press my cheek to hers, absorbing a few tears. "Please don't cry."

She laughs, and it's a garbled sound, but it's wonderful to my ears. "Sorry. It's just that I was certain that…" Her voice is cut off again by sobs.

"Take your time." I hug her closer to me. _It's so nice to have her to myself._

Hawke clears her throat. "I was certain that I was coming here for the last time. I never thought I would get to tell you I loved you again… so I wanted to say it enough times to get it through your head. But then you… you didn't send me away." She moves her hands from my back to wipe her face. She giggles. "I'm a mess. But would you care if I kissed you anyway?"

I exhale. "Not at all." _Who am I to deny her that when she continued to love me?_ I take a half step back and smooth the hair away from her face. Then I tilt her chin down slightly and bring her lips to mine. We kiss slowly at first. After a few moments, she deepens it, parting my lips. I return her intensity, starved for her affections. I want all of her attention. I need to consume her thoughts. Her fingers dig into my shoulders, lighting them up. Enjoying the contact, I move my hands to her waist and lift her up off the floor. Hawke starts, caught off guard, but quickly grins and wraps her legs around me. It would be easy to carry her to the bed, she weighs substantially less than my weapon, but instead I move backwards to my chair and sit with her on my lap. _It's probably less likely that here—_ Then she's kissing me again, and my thought is lost. She unfastens my tunic and manages to get it off of me without losing any passion in our kiss. Warry of my markings, she runs her fingers gently down my arms, only faintly brushing the skin. I wrap my arm around her hips and draw her tightly against me, my other hand tangled in her hair.

"Fenris? Is everything alright? You front door was open—Oh!" I hear someone gasp from the door way.

I immediately release Hawke and turn my attention to voice, my ears burning almost as strongly as my markings. Aveline stands at the entrance to the room, her cheeks red, a hand covering her mouth. _Of all people! UGGGH! How embarrassing… Although it's probably good there was an interruption… I didn't exactly want to be the one to stop us again._

Aveline moves the hand to cover her eyes. "I'm sorry! I didn't see anything! I promise!"

Hawke bursts out laughing and turns around on my lap to face Aveline. "I think we could make room for one more!"

I give her a horrified look. _I'm going to assume she was kidding._ I push her off me and readjust my pants. "She jokes. You can uncover your face."

Hawke takes a seat on the floor and crosses her legs, still giggling.

"I didn't mean to…" Aveline moves her hand, coughs into it and looks anywhere but at us. "Interrupt… that. I just saw your door was open, as I went past, and wanted to make sure someone hadn't broken in. My mistake."

"Venhedis Isabela!" _Idiot pirate didn't close it!_

Aveline's eyebrow's shoot up. "Isabela was here too?" She holds her hands up. "Never mind. I don't want to know." She starts backing out of the room. "I'll be going. Glad you weren't robbed." Then she turns and picks up her pace.

"Isabela was just here to talk! And we weren't—" I call after her but trail off when I hear the door slam. I put my palm against my forehead. _Argh…_

Hawke grins at me from the floor. "That. Was brilliant."

I close my eyes and growl. _Not in the slightest._

Standing to her feet, she places a hand on my shoulder. "Now, where were we?"

I shake my head and then look up at her. "I think that's enough for tonight."

Hawke groans and bites her cheek in irritation. "I was afraid you were going to say that."

I set my jaw and look at her severely. "You knew it was going to be like this before you let me kiss you. I told you nothing had really changed." _Clearly, she hasn't changed any either. She's still as pushy as ever._ "Honestly, Hawke? I'm getting sick of you pretending to understand and then not doing anything differently." I look away from her and clench my fist and then return my eyes to her. "I didn't want you to push me away when you did. But with the perspective, this is exactly why I've stayed away so long. I've been dreading the day you showed up here. I knew you were going to expect something that I still couldn't give you. My choices were to be this: either become your slave or tell you to leave and never come back. As you can see, I wasn't prepared to make that decision. When we were talking, I let you fool me into believing there was another option."

Hawke's face falls but her expression steels. "That's hardly fair. I think I've proven myself pretty damn well staying away from you this long. I don't know what you expect from me." She steps away from my chair. "I don't mean for it to seem like I'm pretending to understand… I'm trying to understand you, but I guess I just don't."

"I wasn't trying to… I didn't…" _This isn't what I wanted! I didn't want another fight! UGH!_ I frown and lower my gaze. _I always make it so much worse!_

"I mean, how could I? It would be stranger if we did get each other. Men and women can never understand each other when they come from the same back ground. The odds are kind of stacked against us here." Hawke shrugs, her eyes kind.

 _She's trying so hard… She isn't even angry with me like she should be…_ I stand suddenly to my feet and walk to the window. _I have to tell her._ Leaning my weight against the frame, I begin to speak without looking at her, "Maybe I can help." I grit my teeth for a moment. "Look, my not wanting to sleep with you has nothing to do with not caring about you, or wanting to be alone forever, or not being attracted to you." My words are sharp and fast, I spit them out because I know if I don't I'll never say them. "The thought of sex terrifies me, despite how much I might want you. And you not knowing… You have to know this before…" The words stick in my throat and I cough.

Hawke's eyes are on my back. "Know what? What is it Fenris?" Her voice is thick and full of concern.

"I wasn't just…" I spit on the ground and growl. "Danarius used me for whatever he felt like. Not infrequently that was sexual. I _never_ wanted that, and there wasn't anything I could do about it." I slam my fist against the wall. "It wasn't just one of my duties either. It was a punishment. He knew how much I hated it and liked it that much more. I had to-"

"Stop!" Hawke's voice breaks.

I glance back to her and there are tears in her eyes. _She's crying for me…_ "No. You need to hear this. You deserve to hear this."

Hands shaking, Hawke covers her ears and squeezes her eyes shut. "No, I don't! And you shouldn't have to say it!"

I take a step closer to her. "You should know everything. Then you can decide if you still want me." I take another step and brush my fingers across her shoulder. "You're so pure, innocent. Untouched. I am not. I wish I could have met you when I was. Before my heart, everything I am inside, was blackened by another man's sin. Let me tell you everything, and then you can decide if I'm worthy of your affections."

When Hawke looks up at me, her face is like a dagger into my heart. It's covered in tears and horror. I move away from her. _It's too much for her… At least she knows. I haven't deceived her…_

"You…" Her voice trails off.

"Don't. You don't have to say anything for my benefit. You can go." I turn my back and return to the window.

Hawke sniffs. "No. I'm not leaving. And I'm not hearing anymore." She straightens up. "I'm the one who's not worthy of you. I'm so stupid… How did I not see… You're so strong, you've survived hell. And you've had to put up with so much from me… Maker's breath, I am so sorry Fenris."

My eyes widen and I turn to face her. _What? She isn't giving up on me? She's not revolted?_

"I should have realized at least some of this before. Could you ever forgive me?" Hawke face is mangled with different expressions: fear, sadness, horror, regret, confusion.

I shake my head. "There isn't anything to forgive. You didn't know. But…" I look into her eyes. "Doesn't it change the way you see me?"

"Of course it does. You've pushed through all of that to have something with me… That just makes me appreciate every second I've spent with you even more." She purses her lips, gratitude in her eyes.

"You aren't repulsed?" My eyebrows knit together disbelievingly. _She appreciates me more? How is that possible? I don't deserve that._

She steps closer, face to face with me. "Not in the slightest. Your past is not who you are. I can just understand you better now. Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn't easy." She clasps her hands in front of her. "I will never push you away, or to do anything like this again. I'm privileged to be your friend and to be able to love you. That's all I need."

I take a deep breath, almost brought to tears myself. "Thank you." I reach out and take one of her hands in mine. "I don't want to be pushed away. I'm the most comfortable at your side."

"Then, I will stay at yours." Her lips turn up at the corners.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! It means so much to me! Reviews are greatly appreciated, I love feedback!**


	19. Droll Espionage

**One of the beautiful things about fan fiction is being able to create my own silly missions. I hope you enjoy this! Sorry I'm posting this so late, the doc manager has been down.**

* * *

(6) Justinian 3rd

"Fenris is here!" Merrill screams from across the Hanged Man as soon as I step across the threshold. "He's with Hawke! Aveline, Varric, Isabela, Anders! Look! Fenris is here and he's with Hawke!" She jumps to her feet.

 _Exactly why is that so exciting? Oh dear._

Merrill dashes over to us and halts just seconds before colliding with me. She pauses, her arms moving as if she was about to hug me. "Oh! I'm so happy! I want to hug you! Can I please hug you?" She keeps her arms extend, shaking slightly.

 _Seriously?_ "No." I tell her.

She drops her arms dejectedly and pouts her lips. _Oh, like you didn't expect that answer._ I pat Merrill on the shoulder awkwardly and give her a half smile. _There, now Hawke won't think I'm being mean to her._

Merrill grins again and grabs Hawke's hand, dragging her over to where the group sits at a table. I follow, shaking my head. _I'm not entirely sure if I missed this, or not._

"See?! They're back together!" Merrill beams at us proudly.

"Oh, I know." Aveline says her cheeks reddening.

 _I suppose she does…_ Ugh.

Not paying the slightest heed to the red headed warrior, Merrill just keeps talking. "What have I been telling you Isabela? Aren't you glad you listened to me and didn't go marching over to Fenris' mansion in the middle of the night to ask him to sleep with you?"

Isabela coughs, and her drink sprays out of her nose. After she stops spluttering, she says, "Boy am I ever!" Then she bursts out laughing.

I almost chuckle. _At least Merrill had my back. Isabela tried to have everything else. Huh. I can be funny sometimes._

Hawke squints harshly at Isabela. "Hmm…"

"Oh, come on." Isabela drops her hands on the table. "It's what I do."

"You need a hobby." Hawke rolls her eyes, not entirely amused.

"That is my hobby!" Retorts Isabela.

Confusion bathes Merrill's face for a moment before she shrugs it away. "And Anders, you were wrong! Fenris didn't leave Hawke hanging for three years just to break her heart now. And Hawke didn't come running to your clinic heartbroken! I bet they were secretly seeing each other this whole time."

 _Anders said what now?_ I set my jaw and cock my head at him. _He has no idea about anything that's been going on! How dare he talk about Hawke and I! I would kill him right here!_

"What, hey! I never said that!" Anders holds up his hands and glances franticly at the group. Sweat starts to bead on his forehead.

Aveline presses two fingers to her temple and sighs. Varric starts cackling.

Isabela leans across the table towards Anders. "Yes, you did. And if I recall correctly, you also said, 'Fenris isn't capable of handling a woman like Hawke. He should find some slave girl and leave Hawke to me.' But I could be remembering that wrong." She flicks her tongue across her top teeth.

 _That's it. I've put up with him for long enough. I've been very patient._ I clench my glowing fist and step forward, but Hawke stops me with a palm on my chest plate. I glare at her.

"Stop it." She looks back at Anders where he sits on the other side of the table. Her eyes narrow. She drops her hand from my chest and crawls across the table so that she's right in Anders' confused face. She punches him right in the nose and shoves him out of his chair. "Why are you such a freaking moron?!"

I raise my eyebrows. _That's even better than killing him myself. She's so sexy when she beats the crap out of people._

"Hey!" Anders sits up holding his bleeding nose.

Hawke looms over him, her eyes incredulous. "Do you not realize that I'm the only reason Fenris hasn't killed you yet?!" She lets out a breath. "Don't answer that. Just remove your head from your butt. Please and thank you." She looks around at her friends. "Now, does anyone else need a punch in the face while I'm up?" Her eyes stop pointedly at Isabela.

Isabela points at herself in a silent 'Me?' and then shakes her head.

"Alright then." Hawke takes Anders' seat.

Anders looks up at Aveline, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Are you just going to sit there and let her get away with that?"

"Get away with what? Oh no! Anders, your nose is bleeding. You must have fallen out of your chair pretty hard." Aveline says with mock innocence.

 _I knew I liked her._

Varric grins. "There's the Aveline we love!"

Smiling, Aveline rolls her eyes.

"Anders, you should probably heal that." Merrill says sounding concerned.

I look at her. "He won't. He likes the attention." I pull out a chair and sit next to Varric.

Merrill crinkles her eyebrows. "We can give you attention; you don't have to have a bloody nose."

"This reunion is a massive disaster, already." Isabela laughs. "I love it."

Varric nods his agreement. "I'm glad to see you two worked things out. I think you're good together."

"And your opinion is the only one that really matters anyway." Hawke bats her eyelashes at the dwarf. "No offence, other friends."

 _I do have to admit, it is refreshing to see that nothing has changed amongst this group._ _I'm ready to get things back to 'normal.' It's been stupid staying away from all of this. As irritating as it generally is, it's better than not having anyone._

Still standing, Merrill clears her throat loudly. "Since you're all finally together, I have some exciting news to share!"

"How nice Merrill!" Aveline smiles warmly at her.

"Lemme guess! Hmm… You have a pet rock?" Hawke looks at Merrill expectantly.

 _You're going to stop using blood magic?_ I internally scoff.

"No more blood magic?" Anders asks.

I glare at him. _Can't he ever have an original thought?_

Isabela claps her hands together. "Does this have to do with a boy?"

Merrill frowns. "Isabela! How did you know? I didn't tell you! I don't think I told you… I didn't tell anyone…"

 _Oh. That kind of news._ I roll my eyes.

"What?! What boy? What happened?! Spill!" Hawke squeals, tapping her hands on the table excitedly.

"Well it's kind of…" Merrill bashfully pushes a piece of hair behind her ear. "I'm excited, so please don't be mad." Her words rush out of her mouth, almost incomprehensible. "Carver asked me to go out with him tonight, and we're having a picnic at the Wounded Coast under the stars, and it's going to be so lovely! I can't wait! Don't be mad! I'm sorry!" Her face reddens, and she covers it with her hands.

I snort with amusement. _That's just perfect! Of all the people!_

Hawke's jaw drops. She just stares, stunned.

"Umm… Kitten… You're aware he's slept with me, right?" Isabela gazes at the blood mage with concern in her eyes. "He's not exactly innocent like you."

"Ewww! What part of never tell me did you not understand?!" Hawke's turns to Isabela, incredulous.

"I DON'T CARE!" Merrill shouts suddenly, looking shocked at her own outburst. "About any of that." She looks from person to person. "I just… he asked me, and he's always been so nice to me… I want to be happy. I want to make somebody else happy… I've lived here for something around four years, and he's the first guy who ever showed any interest in me. If it's wrong then… then I don't care. I'll be the one to make that decision."

Hawke lets out a slow breath. "I'm happy for you Merrill. I hope the two of you have a wonderful… date tonight." The last words slide between gritted teeth.

 _There's no way that's all Hawke has to say about this._ I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Oh. Well, thank you! I hope you and Fenris have a wonderful night as well." Merrill's face transforms into one of joy.

Varric raise his glass. "To Merrill! And to confusing relationships; may they one day make sense to those involved in them!"

Aside from me, everyone laughs and nods in agreement.

Standing up, Hawke says, "I just remembered that I forgot to let Harley out. You know us Fereldens and our dogs!"

 _She's such a liar. Bodhan takes care of the Mabari._ I smirk but stand up as well.

Isabela chuckles but doesn't say anything.

"I understand! I'll tell you all about my date, tomorrow!" Merrill dashes over to Hawke and gives her a big hug. "Thank you for not being mad."

"Who could be mad at you?" Hawke squeezes her in return. "Bye guys!"

 _I can think of a couple people._

The group calls out their various goodbyes.

As Hawke walks past me, I fall in step behind her. The moment we're outside the Hanged Man, Hawke starts ranting. "My little brother?! Merrill can't date my brother! That violates every law of friendship! One, Carver is not allowed to sleep with any of my friends, even though he already has apparently. And B, no one is allowed to date Merrill; she's too precious for this world!"

 _This not my area of expertise. Anything I say here will be the wrong thing. Ugh._ "If you want, I could kill Carver." I hold my hands up, showing I have no idea what she expects me to say.

"I would almost take you up on that." Her face is red and furious. "He doesn't so much as write me back. Yet, he, somehow, has time to go on a date with Merrill?! That is so classic him!" She stomps her foot harshly and begins picking her way back out of Low Town. "He's doesn't even deserve to look at Merrill! At this point, he's spent so much money at the brothel, I'm pretty sure he's renting to own!"

 _Agreeing with her is always a safe option._ I nod my head. "Mmmhmm."

"You know what?" Hawke stops dead in her tracks and turns to face me.

"Umm… You're going to crash their date?" I ask hesitantly.

She scowls. "Not 'crash' exactly… More like observe and potentially intervene. You're coming with me, right?"

Now it's my turn to scowl. _That sounds like the worst idea._ "Don't you think you would be stealthier if you went alone?"

"Have I mentioned how much I missed you? And how glad I am that we can do things together again?" She batts her eyelashes at me.

"You're evil." I cross my arms. _She has me there._

"So, that's a yes you're coming with me?" Hawke grins widely.

I squint at her. _Of course. Besides, I would not just let her go to the Wounded Coast alone at night._

"Yes! Great!" She leans in and pecks me on the cheek. Then she recoils. "Oh no. Was that alright? I didn't—"

"Hawke." I look at her seriously. "That was fine. Actually, I liked it. You don't have to treat me as if I'm made of glass. I had this weight on my shoulders before you knew about it. I've managed fairly well. Although I appreciate your concern, you don't have to watch everything you do. I'm alright."

Her eyes drop to the ground. "Alright. I still feel like such a piece of garbage for everything I've done to you."

I lift her chin up to look at me. "If it makes you feel better, you've brought more good to my life than bad. Even the things that have been difficult have made me feel more like a real person."

She smiles. "You are a real person. Sometimes I feel like we're all characters in somebody's story though."

I drop my hand from her chin. "You would be the protagonist."

"If so, you're my dashing love interest." She winks.

"You think this would be a romance novel?" I raise an eyebrow. _It would make a horrible one._

She giggles. "Of course not. It's a break out story about my journey to become a dragon. The romance is just as important though."

I snort. _I shouldn't have expected anything less._ "If you're the main character, I'd say it would be more of a dark comedy."

"Fine by me. You bring the dark, I'll bring the comedy," she says, looking pleased with herself.

"I would say that's fairly accurate." _If she was as depressing as I am, we would both die._

She holds her arms out to her sides. "I'm nearly always right."

I roll my eyes. "Sure."

Hawke gasps as if she was offended and punches me playfully in the arm.

"So, what's the plan for our covert operation?" I cross my arms. _I can't believe I got roped into this. Wait, yes, I can. Nothing is too bizarre for Hawke to drag me into, and I'll always walk right into it at her side. And what a pretty side it is._

"We can meet back outside the Hanged Man as soon as the sun starts to set. I have about forty letters I haven't read, so I had better tend to that." Hawke pops her knuckles. "I am going to supervise so hard."

 _They're both adults. If they want to be together, there's nothing she can do about it._ "I'll… make sure no one kills you while you're distracted."

She pumps her fist beside her face. "Good plan. See you soon, love." She winks and skips away.

 _We're both going to Hightown._ I snicker as I walk a few yards behind her. Her hips sway, far more dramatically than they usually do. _She is completely insane._ We walk in an uncomfortable silence for a while before she finally stops and lets me catch up.

"So, I might have said goodbye a little prematurely." Hawke shrugs, her pale cheeks tinted red.

"Seems like something you would do." I smirk at her.

She cuts her eyes at me, but she's smiling. "Yeah, okay, true, but still rude."

 _It's so nice to talk to her like this again._

We finish our walk in comfortable quiet and exchange nods when we separate to go to our houses.

I take my usual seat, not bothering to unequip any of my armor. As much as I like the quiet and solitude my mansion offers, when I'm here I have to face the thoughts that I prefer to push away. I lean my head back against the chair. _Are things really back to the way they were? So quickly, in just one day after three years of wrong? Am I fooling myself? Hawke handled what I told her better than I could have ever expected. With her knowing, a large burden has been lifted from me. She actually knows what she's getting herself into. That clearly makes a difference… but what does it change? It's a relief to know that she isn't repulsed by me and that I'm not keeping anything from her. It was her decision to stay with me. I want to give her everything because of that. We should be able to have a real relationship. However, I'm still not convinced that we are. Things between us may have been repaired but_ I _still haven't been… I wish every slave had the opportunity to screw up their master's lives even worse than was done to them. Still, killing is sufficient._ I ignite the lyrium in my hands and look at them. _I would love to go back to Tevinter and use this gift to exterminate every last one of them. If it wasn't for them, I could have taken Hawke into my arms the first time I ever laid eyes on her. Rather than almost spitting in her face. The monster they made me could have killed, without remorse, the kindest person I've ever met._ I squeeze my eyes shut at the image of my hand ripping out her heart as she stood at my door. _My beautiful Hawke. I could have destroyed her. The salvation that has held me together at the seams could have dropped to the ground that night, never to laugh again._ A shudder runs through me, and my eyes snap open. _Perhaps I have made more progress than I realized. If I can look at my past self with more disdain than I do when I look at myself now, that has to mean something._ I stand to my feet and walk over to look out the window. _I'll take it as a victory._ The sun is making its way to the horizon. I turn from the window and exit my house.

I make my way down to the Hanged Man and lean against the wall to await Hawke. The rich and poor alike shamble past me, either drunk or carrying arms full of purchases. I watch them with a keen eye as I always do. Never letting my guard down. A man drops a small sack in my peripheral vision; I don't have to look at him to know he's a mage. _I'm far better at detecting apostates than the Templars could ever dream of being. They can't even pick up on the_ three _– kaffas why couldn't it only be one?_ – _that I travel with, and they talk quite frequently. What do they think the elaborate ornate staffs are? Walking sticks? That would make sense if they weren't worn on the back like a weapon. I suppose they're either daft or poorly trained. If it was up to me, this problem would not still exist. I could make an excellent Knight Commander in the distant future._ I snort. _With my apostate… girlfriend… Years from now, will she still be that?_ I shake my head. _I missed her far too much… I can't afford to think like that._ The sun sinks behind the buildings, and I can make out the first star through the fading light. A group of people skitter past me, a Mabari shielded between them. _Dog fighters. I'm glad Hawke isn't here to see them. I should kill them for her._ I step away from the wall but then think better of it. _It's probably best if I don't cause a scene. It isn't even completely dark yet and my markings tend to draw eyes._ A few moments after the thugs pass out of sight, Hawke hurries down the stairs and over to me.

"Ready to go?" She asks, her eyes full of mischief.

I nod. "You realize they are not going to be happy with you spying on them, right?"

"Us spying on them. And yes, but I can live with that; what's a little rivalry between friends?" She grins and leads the way out of Lowtown.

When we reach the Wounded Coast, it's fully dark. We scour the shore until we finally find them laid out on a blanket with a torch stuck in the ground. Hawke holds a finger to her lips, and we silently slink into some bushes a couple feet away from them.

Carver and Merrill both lie on their backs, gazing up at the stars.

"This is so nice." Merrill trills. "I can't remember the last time I just got to relax and see the stars. I mean, they're always up there, but I never get to take the time to enjoy them. I'm always either busy running around with Hawke or bored at home. This is one thing I miss about the Dalish."

"You're bored at home? I could visit you there, if that would help. My route often brings me to the Alienage; I'm sure I can slip away sometimes." Carver says hopefully.

Merrill sits up and looks at him with concern. "But wouldn't you get in trouble?"

"Yes. But isn't that the point?" Carver smirks at the blood mage.

Hawke taps me on the shoulder. I look at her, and she sticks out her tongue and points at the back of her throat. I nod in agreement. _This is actually more entertaining than I expected._

"You like getting into trouble?" Merrill cocks her head to the side.

"I could." Carver brushes his fingers down her arm. "I think I would very much like getting into trouble with you. I bet you could get me into all kinds of trouble."

 _I'm sure you would, whore._ Hawke grabs her hair in her hands and gives me an exaggerated screaming face.

"Like… blood magic?" Merrill asks, oblivious.

I cover my mouth to keep from making a sound. Hawke chokes on her own spit and lightly coughs. _He's going to have to just come out and say it. She'll never pick up on it._

Chuckling, Carver responds, "You know, that's not really what I had in mind. Did you know that I think you're incredibly beautiful? I wanted to ask you on a date the first time I laid eyes on you."

"Really?" Merrill blushes, and her eyes grow huge.

"Really. Do you know what else I wanted to do?" Carver sits up, placing a hand beside each one of her hips, his face close to hers.

Hawke looks at me urgently and mouths "NO!" she starts to get up, but I grab her arms and hold them.

I whisper. "Stop. There's nothing you can do." _I am_ not _getting caught in these bushes._

Hawke glares at me and tries to stand again. To stop her, I pull harder than intended and we both fall over backwards, her landing on top on me.

"Wha-" She starts, and I clamp my hand over her mouth and shush her.

 _Great. Now they have to know we're here. Maybe they won't find us._ I scowl at Hawke, where she lays on my chest. She shrugs, her eyes apologetic.

"What was that?" I hear Merrill's voice ask.

They rise to their feet. "Is anyone there?" Carver calls out. After a pause, footsteps sound out close to us. After some rustling, "What the heck?! Are you spying on us?!"

 _Fasta vass! They see us! We need a cover-_ Before I can think of something reasonable to do, I twine my hands in Hawke's hair and start kissing her. Her eyes fly open in shock, and she squeaks. A second later, realization crosses her face, and she kisses me back, her fingertips digging into my biceps.

"Isabela?!" Merrill exclaims.

Hawke and I both freeze and open our eyes, lips still entangled. Hawke pulls away an inch, and we turn our attention to the other side of the bushes.

There are stumbling sounds and Merrill gasps, "Varric? Why are you two in the bushes?"

 _They were spying too?_ I look at Hawke, and I can tell it's killing her not to laugh.

"Oh, I thought I lost my lip ring here earlier. Varric was helping me look for it!" Isabela says breathlessly.

"But, you have your lip ring in." Merrill's voice is full of confusion.

"That's because she just found it!" Varric adds.

 _Completely reasonable…_ I roll my eyes.

Carver makes a disgusted noise. "They're lying Merrill. They came out here to ruin our date. I'm just surprised it's them and not my nosy sister."

Hawke mouths silently, "I'm nosy?! Me?!"

I mouth back, "Yes."

She squints at me.

"Is that true?" Merrill questions them, her voice hurt.

"No!" Varric and Isabela chime.

"It's just…" Isabela begins.

"We wanted to make sure everything was going okay. We had to be here to ensure that you were able to enjoy your evening without someone attacking you. If you don't mind, we'll get back in the shrubbery and continue doing just that." Varric finishes.

"That won't be necessary. The four of us are going to walk back to Kirkwall together. This is ridiculous." Caver growls. His footsteps immediately begin retreating up the path.

The others scramble after him. "Carver, wait!" Merrill calls out. Any further dialogue is lost to our ears as they disappear.

I let out a breath of relief and gently roll Hawke off of me. "Well. That was something."

Hawke sits up grinning and bursts out laughing. I sit up as well, realizing that my markings had been glowing in my nervousness. _I'm glad they didn't give us away. I suppose Hawke was shielding their glow._

"Okay, I'm not mad at Isabela anymore. That cockblock completely makes up for her trying to bang you." She laughs even harder.

 _I don't know that I'd go that far. It was timely._ I stand up and help Hawke to her feet. "We should be getting back."

Hawke looks over at the abandoned picnic. "Ooo! They left their food basket! Want to feed each other grapes?" Her eyes meet mine expectantly.

"No." _They'll come back for it and find us. Also, just, no._

She sighs. "Worth a shot." She winks at me. "Let's go."


	20. Disquieted Fade

**This how I feel like the Fade actually transpired. I like to believe that after around 4yrs together, the group would have real reasons for their betrayal. Enjoy!**

* * *

(6) Justinian 14th

I take a deep breath as we enter the Fade. That bratty apostate, Feynriel, fell into a coma as a result of the demons in his dreams; Hawke decided we should come here and attempt to rescue him, rather than saving everyone the trouble and putting him down. My skin crawls as I feel the Veil shift around me. Suddenly, we're standing in what one could be fooled into thinking was an ordinary courtyard. Everything appears real but feels eerily wrong. The sensations of the air are heavy with magic, almost crushing around me. The lyrium in my markings ripples, veritably bubbling under my skin. Oddly, they do not glow. Its reaction unnerves me; I fear the tattoos will be stripped from me in one snatch, leaving my corpse to drop to the imaginary ground. I fight the urge to scratch furiously at my arms. _This place is wretched. I cannot escape it soon enough._ My eyes dart around, alert to any disturbance. Breathing is much more difficult for me here. It's as if demon eyes follow my every movement; as if their hands are on me, holding me in place. _Perhaps they are._ A shiver wracks my body, and my heart rate increases. _If mages visit the Fade in their dreams, and it follows them everywhere they go… Could Danarius be here now?_ I feel so powerless. _Demons distort everything; this is their world._ Glancing at Hawke, _she might not even be real. I could follow her around here for years and never know if she was actually a demon._ It's all I can do not to squeeze my eyes shut and beg Hawke to take me back. I dig the pointed fingers of my gauntlets into my palms until they draw blood. _Focus on the pain. You know that's real._ I push harder, until my palms are sticky and red. _Keep your eyes in front of you. Hawke is real until you have any reason to believe otherwise._ I exhale. _She is real. The pain is real. This will be over soon._ I set my jaw.

Anders shouts. As I turn to look at him, I realize he is Anders no more, Justice has taken over. His eyes are sold orbs of the same blue light that shines through cracks in his flesh.

I hold out one hand, the other on my blade. _Why did we have to bring a demon with us?!_ "Whose side are you on spirit?!"

Justice whips Anders' head around to face me. "I had not thought to return in such a way. It is good to feel the breath of the Fade again. Not the empty air of your world." He spouts in a deep, distorted voice.

 _Kaffas that's unsettling!_ I curl my fingers around the hilt of my weapon.

Hawke appraises him with mild interest. "I'm glad this doesn't happen to all mages in the Fade. I can't say I would appreciate that voice coming out of my mouth."

"I am Justice. Anders has told you of me. Come. I sense Feynriel's mind straining. We will not have much time." The mage vessel walks forward ahead of us.

Hawke and Isabela exchange puzzled looks before falling in behind him. I force myself to follow them. _This is far worse than the Deep Roads. How could anyone come here for any reason other than necessity?_ When we reach the center of the courtyard, a gangly hunched over demon emerges from the ground. Sweat breaks out across my forehead. _And it begins._

The demon slides up to Hawke, just inches from her face. It takes every bit of self-control I have not to shove her out of the way and skewer the demon with my blade. _If you so much as touch her…_

The creature halts. "It's rare to see two forgotten magics in one day. It's usually a slow place. The Fade. Not many surprises. I wasn't sure I'd like this one, but it has potential."

"A demon of sloth. It exists to make men forget their purpose and their pride. Do not relax around it." Justice warns Hawke.

 _I don't believe relaxing is something any of us plan on doing, any time soon._ It feels as if every muscle in my body is tensed, there isn't anything I can do to stop it. The nearness of a creature that holds so much influence here is horrifying; adding Justice on top of that is nearly maddening. _If only I could drop them both. Anders might turn on us any second._

"Call me Torpor. I have a proposition that might interest you." The demon's attention is on Hawke alone.

"We don't deal with your kind!" I spit at Torpor.

Hawke catches the corner of my eye with a nod. "I will not give into temptation fiend! You can't just proposition me into letting you have the boy, or anything else!"

"Have it your way." Torpor says in a tone that echoes with boredom.

We draw our weapons as the demon rushes forward, knocking Hawke to the ground. Hawke skitters backward on her hands and feet, like a spider. I leap over her, letting out a loud bellow. The demon dodges out of the way, and my sword strikes the cobblestone inches from it. Torpor strikes the side of my head with an arm. My teeth pierce my cheek, and I stumble a foot to the side, spitting out the blood. A cut wells up under my eye; I blink away the clear fluid that gushes from it. A fireball explodes beside me, and Torpor splutters, batting blindly at the embers. I swing behind him and thrust my sword through his midsection, twisting it sharply as I recoil it. The demon instantly swings around to face me, black ooze pouring from the wound, and blasts me backwards with some kind of magic. I fall into a backwards roll and hop to my feet, uninjured.

"Hey! Step off my elf!" Hawke snaps her staff forward violently and Torpor flies sideways, crashing into a staircase. "Yeah! How do you like it?!"

 _I am no one's elf._ I charge the stunned creature just as Isabela appears behind it. She jumps into the air and locks her legs around Torpors long, insect like, neck, sinking her daggers into its glowing purple eye. I shove my blade into where the demon's stomach should be and slice downwards, spilling more black ooze. A lightning bolt flies under my arm into the gaping wound and the creature convulses violently. Isabela is flung over its head; she crashes into me but I drop my weapon and catch her in my arms, stepping back. Torpor receives a second lightning blast, this time from above, leaving only a chard heap on the ground. Isabela glances at the remains and then licks one of the markings on my neck. Before I have time to flinch, she's ten feet away from me. _ROGUES! UGH! That's disgusting!_ I wipe my neck futilely with my gauntlets.

The pirate cackles. "Thanks for catching me. Sorry about that, but I figured it was the only shot I'd get to do that." She clicks her tongue. "And might I say, not disappointed."

Both Hawke and I glare at her venomously. She grins in return. _Stupid woman._

"Ignorant fools you are. We do not have time to waste." Justice strides ahead of us, up the flight of stairs to our side.

I roll my eyes. _Thanks demon. What ever would we do if you weren't here?_

The three of us follow him, and we enter a door near the landing. As our feet cross the threshold, everything around us distorts. The air warbles and thickens around me. I try to swallow but it's useless, there's no moisture in my mouth. The images I see before me falter. Colors begin to meld together, to become interwoven. I reach out to grab Hawke's shoulder, to pull her closer to me, but my hand passes though nothing. The image of her dissolves, along with that of the environment and our other companions. "NO!" I scream but there is not a sound. Suddenly I'm surrounded by unending whiteness. There is no floor, no ceiling, just unrelenting nothingness and light. I collapse onto my hands and it's impossible to tell if I'm falling, or rising, or staying in one place. _Has everyone left me?!_ My head spins and bile rises up in my throat. _Maker get me out of here!_ I clamp my eyes shut and pray to be rid of this place. My stomach contracts and I heave, yet I am unable to throw up. The motion just makes me feel even more nauseous. I try to spit but even that is useless. _FASTA VASS!_ Tears sting my eyes but it is impossible to reopen them. My pulse elevates uncontrollably and my breathing becomes rapid and shallow. It takes everything in my being just to pull air into my lungs and remain coherent. _In. Out. In. Out. Just breathe._ I gasp, but my breaths deepen slightly. My throat burns as if all the moisture is being removed with every inhalation. _Venhedis, Hawke for bringing me here! She knows how I feel about magic!_ The lyrium in my body ignites. It shocks me as I feel it moving under my skin. I lose control of my muscles as they draw me into a tightly clenched ball. My head snaps backward, straining my neck as the skin pulls forcefully against my Adam's apple. The pain rivals that of when I received my markings. I'm forced to relive those first few moments of my memory, when I awoke to this substance attempting to rip me apart from the inside. Another silent shriek parts my lips. _How could she do this to me… I can't… I… I have to get out of here…_ My thoughts are fragmented, interrupted by the agony and terror that consumes me. Though I am still unable to open my eyes, I am keenly aware that my skin is glowing brighter than it ever has before. With difficulty, I force my fingers apart and slowly plant them on the supposed ground. I bite into my lip and shift my weight onto my palms. Every movement is lethargic, it's as if my body was frozen and I was forcing it to thaw. _…Must… Stand…_ I struggle to my knees and open my eyes. The empty whiteness strikes me like a blow, and I start shaking. I hadn't forgotten where I was, but I had hoped that when I opened my eyes I would be there no longer. Suddenly, the pain subsides, and I'm lifted to my feet. Colors swirl around me, and then I step forward into what appears to be the room I had occupied who knows how long ago.

Hawke stands in front of me, Anders and Isabela on each of my sides. I blink and shake my head but the images remain. _Could this be real…? Are they actually here?_ My eyes run down Hawke's body. _No. This isn't real. This is still the fade. They could all be demons._ I examine one of my hands; it appears to belong to me. A rumbling draws my attention, and I notice a huge Pride demon. Its body is plated with spikes, and it looks upon me with its many eyes as it looms far above.

"You think this slave would choose you over his freedom?" The monstrosity booms, addressing what appears to be Hawke.

Its voice is all around me but it echoes inside my head, replaying over and over again. "Cast your eyes elsewhere demon. I won my freedom from the magisters long ago." The words come out, but they lack their usual conviction. _Didn't I?_ _I am no longer a slave… right?_ My thoughts jumble on top of each other, intermixing with memories. I see myself kissing Hawke in my mansion, but then the image is replaced by Danarius' hands squeezing my throat, my face blackened from bruising. It becomes impossible to make sense of anything. Suddenly the hands belong to Hawke and she spits in my face. _That never happened!_ I feel the demon's claws piercing my mind, scrambling everything, but I'm powerless. It feels so real. She was there, striking me, and I was powerless. _Can't… fight it… I'm nothing now… just like I have always been…_

"But you fear them still. They have left their marks on your body and your mind. With my aid, you could be free forever. You could have power enough to challenge any who would chain you." The demon rumbles.

 _The power to… to face anyone?_

Hawke turns to me. "Don't listen to it Fenris! It's just trying to get you to betray yourself."

I flinch at the sound. _A magister?_ Her words hardly resound with me. I've all but lost recognition of who she is. _I've already lost to this demon… It has its hands in my mind… I'm so weak… I've never been free… It's all a lie… that was a lie, this is a lie… It could give me the power I need to be stronger than this. I wouldn't ever fall prey to a demon or magister again…_ "But… to face them as an equal? I…" My eyes leave the dark haired mage beside me and find the demon once more. "What… Would you want from me?"

"A moment of your time. Nothing more." Answers the creature of pride.

 _Could that be true? Could I be freed of my weakness?_ The demon answers for me inside my head. _Yes. And so much more._ I inhale and nod. Drawing my blade, I turn to face the images of my friends. _They aren't even real._ Still, something in the back of my mind keeps me from charging at Hawke. My stomach sinks when I level my blade at her. I doge past her horrified face and ram Anders with my body, knocking him to the ground.

"FENRIS NO!" Hawke shrieks behind me, her voice thick with emotion.

I falter for a moment. _Was she something more to me?_ The demon sounds out in my mind again, _she isn't real. Do this, and you'll have everything you've always lacked._ I tighten my grip on my sword and stab it through Anders' shoulder. Justice growls at the pain and slams his palm against my chest, sending an electric current through me.

"DON'T HURT HIM!" Wails Hawke.

I block out her voice, rear back, and kick Anders in the face as hard as I can. His nose splatters, and his head slams into the stone ground, blood begins to pool around it. He doesn't so much as twitch as I stomp down again. His bottom jaw dislocates and hangs awkwardly to the side.

Suddenly, Isabela's breath is on my ear. "Hawke please forgive me for this! I am truly sorry!"

I hear Hawke's voice screaming and echoing throughout the room as I feel Isabela's dagger slide across my throat.

My body lurches as if I was about to cough and then… nothing.


	21. Fervent Penitence

**The Fade was such a mess, I thought it should be cleaned up a bit nicer. Enjoy!**

* * *

(6) Justinian 14th

My eyes snap open to the ceiling, and I spring upright clutching my throat. _No… Maker, no…_ I look to my side and see Hawke still asleep, deep in the clutches of the Fade. I drop my knees beside her and pick up her hand in mine. "Hawke, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"Fenris? What's happened?!" Keeper Marethari exclaims, rising from a chair in the next room. She rushes in, concern all over her face.

I drop Hawke's hand and push past the keeper and out of the hovel, stone faced.

"Fenris!" Marethari's voice calls out behind me as I slam the door shut and run out into the night air.

I run towards Hightown as fast as my feet will carry me. _NO! What have I done?!_ I shove all thoughts out of my mind and focus on the movement of my body. When I finally reach the door of my house, I rip it open, closing it with my back as I collapse onto the ground. _I did it… I… Betrayed Hawke. They very thing I always feared she would do to me… It wasn't her who was too weak to resist a demon. It was me. Have I always been blaming her for my own insecurities? My judgments have been misplaced. It has always been me that's been at fault. My whole life, it has always been me who has been the problem… I just refused to see it. I'm weaker than everyone around me… As hard as I have fought not to believe that, to make it not true, it is. Hawke faces demons in the Fade daily, yet she fends them off. I couldn't even resist one encounter… Hawke…_ I run my fingers through my hair, returning them to press against my forehead. _How disappointed in me she must be. I turned against her, after she trusted me enough to bring me into the Fade to assist her… If that demon hurts her…_ One of my hands clenches into a fist. _I hurt her. How will she ever be able to look at me after that? She must have lost all respect for me. I'm such a hypocrite. How did I do that? I've been in love with Hawke for four years… four years… How could I be deceived into forgetting that? After everything she's done for me. This, is how I repay her._ I slam my head backwards into the door until the wood splinters. I feel my hair grow wet with blood. _I'll go to her when she gets back. Apologize. I hope she spits in my face like I deserve. That would be easier than to have her pretend that we're okay. We aren't. What I did is inexcusable. Isabela should have slashed my throat before we entered the Fade. If the roles were reversed, we both know I would wish death upon Hawke. If she commands me to never lay eyes on her again, I will obey. I'll leave Kirkwall. There's nothing here for me aside from her…_ I slam my fist into the ground. _There's nothing for me anywhere! Kaffas!_ I spit onto the floor. _Why couldn't Isabela's blade have actually killed me?!_

"WHAT USE AM I?!" I scream as loud as my vocal cords will allow. _After so long of trying to become a real man, I've thrown everything away. Demolished everything I've built, for power. The very thing I despise others for lusting after!... I hate myself so much…_ I want to cry, but I don't allow it. I don't deserve to. Instead, I set my jaw and stand to my feet. Blood runs down the back of my neck, but I ignore it. I reopen my door and head straight for Hawke's mansion to await her return.

Bodahn opens the door with a smile. "Good evening sir! Come in!"

I step inside, my faced steeled.

"Um… Serah Hawke is out at the moment. Would you like for me to send for you upon her return?" The dwarf asks, clearly uncomfortable.

I shake my head. "I'll wait for her here." I say in low voice and walk over to the far wall and lean against it.

"As you wish." Bodahn retreats to his corner of the room with Sandal.

Time passes slowly as I trace the lines on the carpet with my eyes, trying to avoid any thought. Hawke's arrival could not come soon enough if it were in seconds. After a couple of hours, Lenadra emerges from her room.

"Bodahn, has she returned yet?" Hawke's mother asks. Purple bags surround her eyes and she yawns. "Oh!" She startles as she notices my presence. "Fenris? Why aren't you with Hawke?" She brings a hand to her mouth. "Has something happened?"

 _I can't deal with this right now._ I march up the stairs, past her and into Hawke's room. I toss behind me, "Tell her I'm waiting for her." And shut the door.

"What does he mean, waiting for her in her room? Bodahn, do you know the extent of their relationship?" Leandra's voice travels through the walls.

 _There is no extent of it any more._ I walk over to her bed and perch on the edge of it, not making any attempt to get comfortable.

I hear Leandra's voice start again, apparently replying to something Bodahn had said. "Well, she speaks of him constantly, far more than the others. But she never tells me anything of substance, and it's always Varric who's over here during the day. Does Fenris visit at night often, when I don't know about it?"

I don't try to block out her words, though they are painful. _She won't be discussing me pleasantly any longer._ I pick at the top of my belt but stop as it reminds me of when Hawke did that in the Deep Roads. _I don't deserve the good memories. She needs to be here already. It had to end at some point – Maker, why did I have to ruin it this way? – but it might as well be now._

"Why didn't you tell me she's been visiting him sometimes at night? Why didn't she tell me? I should know when my daughter has a… a… boyfriend, or whatever this is! I'm used to this sort of thing from Carver, but Bethany and Marian were never like that…" Leandra's footsteps retreat, and she shuts her door.

 _Yet another way I've failed Hawke. She's afraid to tell her mother about us because I'm so uncertain…_

After about another half hour, the doorknob turns and Hawke steps inside, closing it behind her. I quickly stand, walk over, and kneel on one knee before her, my head down.

"What…?" Hawke's word comes out quietly.

"Hawke, I am sorry… Those words are insufficient, I-" I'm cut off.

She makes a gasping sound and then hits the floor, her arms around my shoulders, pulling me against her chest. "You're alive."

 _What?_ I look up to see tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I saw Isabela kill you and I couldn't… I didn't believe you were alright until now. I went to your house and you weren't there… I looked everywhere! I thought…" She squeezes my shoulders and leans back, holding me at a small distance. "But you're hurt! There's blood in your hair! And I'm touching you, sorry!" She lets go, possible more upset than before.

I pull away from her. _No. This can't be right._ "Stop. That doesn't matter." I dip my head once again. "I failed you. Betrayed you. There is no way I can undo what I did. I won't let that ever happen again. Please know that I am sorry. You can send me away."

Hawke's eyebrows knit, and she frowns. "Don't say something like that. I would never want you to go, and I don't have the power to send you away. Your actions are your own. Yes, it hurt me to see you turn against us, but I don't blame you. Shit happens, Fenris. What hurt me the most was seeing the pain that demon put you through. I should never have brought you there. For that, I'm sorry."

 _No, no, no. She can't take the blame for me. She can't apologize._ I stand to my feet and walk away from her. "I accepted the deal of a demon. I am no better than those I despise the most. I shouldn't be here."

"You're nothing like that. Everyone has weaknesses. You're different because you're good." Hawke pleads with me.

 _How is it that she can so easily overlook something like this?_ I look back at her over my shoulder, bewildered.

"Besides, everyone gets one free demonic possession before I hold it against them." She winks at me.

 _I love this woman so much._ I growl, still furious with myself. "How is it that you see an entirely different person when you look at me than I see?"

"You only see the things you want to see, the things that would prevent you from being worthy of anything you don't think you deserve. I see your flaws along with your strengths, and I like what I see." Hawke smiles at me.

I lower my eyes. "You certainly know the right things to say." _Could she be right? I'm uncertain if I'm too harsh on myself, or not harsh enough._

She giggles. "What, you didn't know that was one of my special skills?" She straightens back up. "But seriously, it's okay. We're okay, I'm not mad at you. Isabela did the same thing anyway."

I spin around. "What?!" _The pirate betrayed her too?! She was left alone with just… Anders. Vishante kaffas!_

Hawke shrugs. "Yeah. At least you didn't betray me for a boat. Isabela is one of my best friends, I love her to death, but I swear she would trade me to Satan for one corn chip."

I snort. _That's crazy… It almost makes me feel better…_

"But that does not mean you get to be mad at Isabela! I'm only telling you this so you don't feel like it was just you."

I nod, and we stand in silence for a few moments. _I can't comprehend how she can forgive me, but I am thankful for it. I wish I could be as forgiving of myself._

"Would you like for me to leave so you can get some sleep?" I finally ask.

"Not particularly. I recently saw you die; I like having you near me." Hawke shrugs as if she doesn't actually care if I go.

"Alright then. I'll stay with you." I move to the side of the bed and remove my gauntlets and chest plate.

Smiling, Hawke says, "Umm… please let me heal the back of your head now."

I nod assent and follow her into her washroom.

She dips out a cup of water from the larger barrel. "Please lean over the tub so I can wash the blood out of your hair." She instructs me.

I comply, kneeling beside the empty bathtub and leaning my head over it. _I could do this myself, but it's nice that she wants to do it for me._

Hawke pours the cold water over my head and gently tosses my hair to rinse it. She retrieves a second scoop of water and repeats the process. Then she holds her hand about an inch from my scalp, and I feel the wound knit itself back together.

"Thank you." I rise to my feet. _That is much better._

"You are very welcome!" She surveys me and chews her bottom lip. "Sorry to ask this, but would you mind washing your feet and taking off your tunic? If you do mind that's fine, but I would prefer not to ruin my blanket and sheets."

I look down at my appearance. _I suppose I really shouldn't have sat on my floors. I'm filthy again._

"And I was being serious, I promise I'm not just trying to get you out of your clothes. I said I wasn't going to do that anymore, and I meant it." Hawke gives me an embarrassed look.

"I trust you." I mean the words as I say them, as much as I never thought I would trust anyone. "You can go ahead and get in bed; I'm sure it's getting light outside. I'll clean myself up."

"Sounds good." Hawke grins at me, clearly relieved that I didn't misinterpret her words, and exits the washroom.

I remove my tunic and pants, as I can't wash my feet with them on. I withdraw some water and scrub my feet and hands clean. When I finish, I reach for my pants, but think better of it when I see how dirty they are. _I'm fine like this._ I kick my clothes into a pile and renter Hawke's bedroom in just my underwear. I'm mostly obscured by shadow, and Hawke is already in bed with the candles blown out. As I slide under the covers beside her, I catch a glimpse of thin purple fabric I've seen only once before. My markings heat up slightly, I try to quickly cover them up with the blanket.

Hawke smiles at me. "Pretty."

I resist putting my arm around her because I am uncertain how much it'll burn with my tunic absent. Instead, I lace my fingers with hers and she leans her cheek lightly against my shoulder.

It's a little bit painful to bring myself to do it, but, I smile. _I can handle this._


	22. Red Chagrin

**I love this mission so much! Oh, Aveline... Enjoy!**

* * *

(6) Justinian 23rd

I stand in Aveline's office as she nervously wrings her hands while addressing Hawke; Merrill and Anders fidget at either side of me, and we're all terribly confused as to what is going on.

"It should be a small matter, but I worry…" Aveline scratches absently at the back of her neck. "I need you to take something to Guardsman Donnic. Here, in the barracks. Don't ask any more questions, just… just do it. And he is not to know it's from me."

Hawke crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow. "What is it? Bad news you don't want to deliver? Or… perhaps it's a practical joke? You know if you ever want to prank someone, just ask me and Varric. No offence, but we're superior to you in that area."

"I've no doubt. Now, you've already failed the no questions part. Just do it. All you need to know is that it concerns other needs of the guard captain." Aveline sets her jaw, and it's clear she's done playing games.

 _Other needs…? I wasn't aware Aveline had any. She's always business, all the time._

Hawke smiles kindly at the red head. "You know you can count on me for anything, anytime. I'm your girl! Maker knows you've done enough for me."

"That's sweet of you. This is… strangely difficult. Please just go, and come back with his reaction." Aveline places her hands onto her desk and leans into them.

 _This, is very peculiar._

Spinning on her heel, Hawke marches out of the office, and we trail behind her. She pushes open a door and stops in front of Donnic.

"Funny meeting you here." She smirks.

Caught off guard, Donnic starts upright. "Serah Hawke! It's been sometime. You're in Hightown now, right? I believe the captain mentioned it."

"I am." Hawke withdraws the small package from her pocket. "Look, a secret gift for you. I have it under good authority that you're going to like this." She hands it him.

"Oh, am I now?" Donnic raises his eyebrows, and opens the container. "It's a copper relief of… marigolds. And it helpfully says marigolds… Well, how crafty. Is there a secret meaning to this that I should know?"

 _Wait. We brought this man flowers? That was what Aveline urgently needed our help with?!_

Hawke's jaw drops. "Erm… how about you keep that garbage? I'm sure it means something really important… to somebody."

"It would have to." Donnic nods, clearly confused. "Right… I'm sure we both have things to do. Of varying import. Serah Hawke."

"Yep." Hawke nods awkwardly and strides out into the hallway. When we're out of ear shot she turns to us and holds out her hands. "What?!"

I shake my head. "There doesn't appear to be any point to this." _If that was a joke, it was intended to embarrass Hawke and not Donnic._

"Perhaps she thought they were lovely and wanted him to have them!" Merrill chimes in. "I'd give a boy something interesting like that. One time I was given a bloody bird's wing; I thought it was very thoughtful."

I roll my eyes. _Freak._

"You would." Anders sneers at her.

Pressing a hand to her forehead, Hawke sighs. "Let's just go back. Hopefully we can drag an explanation from her."

We waltz back into Aveline's office and she dashes over, shutting the door behind us. "You're back! Of course you are. You're efficient, you get the job done, good or ill. What did he say?"

"Something along the lines of 'Thank you?' with a question mark." I raise an eyebrow at her. _I thought Aveline was more intelligent than this. She must have some underlying reasoning._

Anders exhales sharply. "Why is it that you have made us out to be idiots?"

I cut my eyes at him. "You do a fine job of that yourself."

Waving us aside, Hawke starts, "Not that we minded, but seriously, what was that? We gave him your garbage."

"No… I thought it was clear. Metal is strong, copper ages well, flowers are soft." The guard captain looks at us expectantly.

 _If I wasn't lost before…_

We exchange ignorant looks.

Merrill raises her hand. "Oh! Were you complementing him on his work?"

"I clearly have gone about this the wrong way." Aveline places her face in her hand. "Don't talk to him again. Just take this patrol schedule and post it. Do nothing, simply listen to his reaction. I want to know how he responds without me present."

Merrill's hand shoots up again. "I've got it! You're testing him! Or us… Either way, this is a test to see if we get the clues and understand them. You're evaluating someone for something. I'm certain!"

 _Doubtful. Not the worst guess. Not the best either. More likely she's accusing him of something._

Anders sniffs. "Why are you so stupid?"

"Anders!" Hawke whips around to face him, glaringly harshly.

He shrugs and curls his lip slightly, not offering the apology she was clearly expecting.

 _Ah, I love it when he ticks her off._ I smirk a little.

Hawke clicks her tongue in annoyance and takes the papers from Aveline. "We'll be back."

Again, we trundle out of Aveline's office and across the barracks.

"So much doubt. Unusual, but clearly important." I say to no one in particular.

Merrill responds, "This is weird, right?"

We all nod in agreement.

Hawke tacks the schedule to the board and then we fall back to lean against the wall. In no way do we blend in. It's clear that we're here for some mischievous purpose. _It's a good thing I don't actually care what anyone here thinks of me, aside from Hawke. If I did, this could be embarrassing. I much prefer this as the mostly boring, mildly intriguing thing it is._

After a while of waiting and avoiding Merrill's and Anders' gazes, Donnic emerges. _Thank the maker. We've been in this building for half the day. Can we kill or drink something already?_

A female guard, Brennan, calls out to him, "Hey Donnic! Whose pucker have you been greasing to get Hightown?"

"What? You're daft. I wouldn't be assigned Hightown." Donnic joins Brennan at the board.

"It says right here that you're guarding the square. That's busy work, there's nothing to guard it from. You someone's pet?" Brennan teases.

"Check your eyes. It's a mistake." Donnic shifts his attention to the board for the first time.

"Says the pet." Snorting, Brennan walks away.

"You have got to be kidding me. What did I do to get that damned post?" He returns to the room in which we had visited him previously.

Hawke steps off the wall and turns to us. "So…? That went better? I don't even know what response she wants to get!"

"When we report to her, I know the one I want to get. The one that ends this nonsense." I sigh. "But, you know I remain here to assist you both."

"I think he failed the test. We all did. No one figured out the puzzle." Merrill smiles brightly.

 _Not letting that go, huh?_

Anders points to the door and leads the way back to Aveline. "Aaaand here we go again." Once inside, he puts his hands on her desk and leans in close to her. "He was confused, didn't like it, and another guard made fun of him. Is that to your liking?"

"Donnic thought I was punishing him? But… Hightown is a safe patrol, a reward!" Aveline's eyes plead with Hawke.

"Sorry, you wanted his reaction!" Hawke holds up her hands defensively.

Aveline starts pacing the room. "Alright….. Alright…. I'll need three goats and a sheaf of wheat. You'll take them to his mother."

"What." Hawke squints at her incredulously.

 _Alright, this just keeps getting weirder. I'm starting to become concerned for her mental health._

Halting her movements, Aveline answers, "It's a dowry tradition. Maybe it will smooth the process."

Hawke stares at her slack jawed, dumbfounded.

"The process? Oh my." Anders smiles, amused, and shakes his head.

My eyebrows shoot up. "A dowry? Then… this isn't about accusations." _Suddenly, this makes slight sense._

"No… It's not." Aveline averts her eyes.

"Don't be silly. A dowry would only matter if you were courting him." Merrill smiles, oblivious.

Running a hand through the back of her hair, Aveline sighs, "Merrill…"

Merrill gasps loudly, "You're courting him!"

I look at the blood mage and nod. "She's courting the man, with a fear reserved for dragons."

"Aveline is in a courtship. The mother of all awkward ones, but still." Anders grins.

Hawke finally busts in. "I… You…" She purses her lips. "Okay, woman, why didn't you lead with that?! Aveline, you know you can talk to me. I'm familiar with trouble with men!" Her eyes flicker quickly between Anders and I.

 _She looked at both of us! Kaffas. I knew she thought he was sexy… Is it the facial hair?_ I scowl at Anders. _Eh. At least I'm confident that I'm the only one who's been sleeping in her bed._

Aveline frowns. "What am I to say? That a grown woman can't speak her mind? It isn't that I didn't want to tell you, Hawke. I've been embarrassed. I'm not as comfortable with such things as the rest of you are. I've been focused on being the captain for so long, that's all I know."

 _You're probably more comfortable with it than I am._ "But you were married, were you not?"

"Yes, you've done it before! I— I mean, been married that is!" Merrill adds.

Groaning, Aveline leans her head back. "Well, yes… but that was a long time ago. It was easier, or seemed to be."

"I can't imagine you having trouble speaking your mind. You're the bold, powerful, Aveline. Us other women cower in your shadow." Hawke smiles at her, trying to calm her down.

"You don't understand. The guards are in my care, I hurt when they hurt. But Donnic, I want him to know that I feel…" Aveline loses her nerve and falls silent.

"If you know what you feel, then let him know!" Hawke exclaims.

"If it were simple, I wouldn't need your help! I hate it!" Aveline words are a mixture of panic and fear. "Haven't you ever felt paralyzed by your emotions? I. Hate. It." She grits her teeth.

 _Yes. I can relate to that. I also hate the feelings I have, most of the time. At least she has someone to talk to. I suppose that's better._

"I can just drag him in here right now. Just say the word, and he'll be on your desk!" Hawke smiles and twirls her fingers in the air.

"Oh! And how would that look? The captain, ordering her guardsman to… to… It wouldn't help!" Aveline grumbles to herself for a moment before continuing, "I'm the captain, he's my guardsman. I can't get past that."

 _There are more difficult things to get past. I would know._ "If the existing relationship prevents a new one, go somewhere you are equal." My words come out disinterested; I, however, am not. _If anyone else should be suffering because of love, it shouldn't be her._

"Exactly! Being in the barracks doesn't help, go somewhere you can talk!" Merrill chimes in.

 _At what point did Merrill become my echo?_

"What? Just go out somewhere? Like it's that easy?" Aveline replies, shocked.

"What? Too simple?" Hawke smirks but then nods vigorously. "It can be easy."

 _I'm sorry I can't make us any easier for Hawke…_

Straightening up, Aveline clears her throat. "Alright. Tell Donnic… Invite him to the Hanged Man. Don't tell him about me. It's a surprise, or just you, or make something up, or a group. Anything to get him there. He's not like the others, I don't want him to think he's meeting the captain."

Hawke winks at her. "Aye aye, captain. We'll land you a man. And, if not, you can have Anders."

Anders' eyes widen and snap to Hawke, startled.

I snort with amusement. _Or we could give him to the templars…_

Hawkes grabs my and Merrill's hands and pulls us behind her, yet again, out of Aveline's office and over to Donnic. "Why Donnic! I didn't know you would still be here!"

"What? I—yes. I work here…" The guardsman trips over his words.

 _Hawke always has that effect on people._

"Not another word! Are you free this evening?" She smiles radiantly at him.

 _I love it when she looks at me like that. If I didn't know better, I might be jealous._

"Huh? Well, I don't have any immediate patrols…" Donnic furrows his eyebrows. "Why?"

"A night at the Hanged Man for all the guard! You'll come? Of course you'll come!" Hawke claps her hands and gives him a brisk nod.

His face relaxes a bit. "Oh. Should I have heard about this? Very well serah, I'll be there."

Grinning with all her teeth, Hawke turns and waltzes out of the room with us at her heels. When we're just outside Aveline's door she drops the expression. "Oof. Can I never do that again? I'm rubbish at asking people out, especially when they are dreadfully not my type."

"Go easy on him Hawke, you know we can't all look like Fenris. And you must have liked others before." Merrill glances at me, an envious look in her eyes.

 _Do I really only know two people who aren't interested in Hawke? Kirkwall isn't that small, they can find someone else._

Hawke reaches out and wiggles the tip of Merrill's ear. "I just think I'm an elf girl these days."

Merrill giggles and blushes, her ears reddening.

I bite my cheek and frown at the ground.

Making a disgusted noise, Anders enters the office ahead of us. "We're back, told him, he should be there."

"Excellent! You go ahead, I'll meet you there. I have to… do something." Aveline says, sweat beading her forehead.

"Nope. You're coming with us." Hawke grabs Aveline's arm and drags her out the door, much to her protests.

Outside the Hanged Man, Aveline halts. "Um… You go ahead. I'll meet you in there. Just don't tell him this was about me."

 _She's hopeless._

Hawke gives her eyes a huge roll. "Fine." She puts her hand on the door to push it open. "The rest of you, just get another table or something."

 _Or something. Multiple bottles of wine I think._ We split up as soon as we enter. I walk over to the bar, where Isabela is leaning. Anders and Merrill head to the far side of the room to get a table. Hawke spots Donnic and takes a seat across from him.

I order a bottle of wine and turn to the pirate. "Isabela."

"Fenris." She nods in return, smirking. She looks over at Hawke. "Did you accompany Hawke on a date with that guardsman? Figured you'd be more apt to have your hand in his chest for that."

I sigh. "In fact, not. This is for Aveline, Hawke is supposed to keep him busy until she works up the nerve to talk to him."

Isabela slams her glass on the bar. "No way." She cocks her head to the side. "Lady Man Hands is taking a break from keeping the peace so that she can get one?"

I shrug and take the bottle from the lady behind the counter. "Put it on her tab." I jerk my thumb at Isabela.

"Excuse me!" Isabela crosses her arms.

Uncorking the bottle with my teeth, I spit it at her. "You know what that was for."

"Fine. Your loss for turning me down." She flicks the back of her lip ring with her tongue.

I shake my head no and take a long pull from my drink. We both lean our backs against the bar and direct our attention to Hawke and Donnic.

They face each other, sitting in silence. Hawke twiddles her thumbs and appears to be whistling something.

Isabela snickers. "What is she doing? That is not how you keep a man distracted. I swear, Anders can entertain a straight man better than that."

Giving her a pained look, "Ew."

"I know you hate him, but if you two just made out one time, I promise I would remember it for the rest of my life. The angrier the better!" She smirks at me.

I slam my elbow into her hip. _She's a despicable human._ "Remind me again why I let you talk to me?"

Rubbing her new bruise, she retorts, "Because, I'm just as entertaining as I am hot."

"Not in the slightest." My attention remains focused on Hawke, who just rose from the table.

"Ah ha! So, you do think I'm hot." Isabela remarks, her voice like silk.

I step away from counter and hold up my middle finger to Isabela as I cross over to meet Hawke at the other side of the bar. I raise my eyebrows at her expectantly.

She groans in response, her face pleading for me to kill her. She holds up two fingers to the waitress before addressing me. "If Aveline doesn't get her tail in here before these drinks are empty, I might actually keel over. And if I don't, please end my suffering."

"If it helps, it's horrible talking to Isabela as well." I give her a half smile.

Hawke leans on her elbows and presses her fingers to her temples. "Honestly, I would rather listen to her hit on you than sit there with that man. He doesn't have any stories to tell me! What kind of person doesn't have any stories! I've made up a half dozen since we've been here." She pays and takes the drinks. "Back for round two. Uggggh."

I nudge her shoulder. "You can make it." _I'm not sure if this is more funny or painful._

As Hawke rejoins Donnic, Isabela swoops in beside me again. "You want to go find Varric? I think he deserves to witness this atrocity."

 _Nothing better to do._ I take another long swig from my wine. "Alright."

Isabela grins and then scurries across the tavern and up the stairs. I follow at a short distance and enter Varric's room.

The dwarf stands with a look of surprise when he catches sight of us. "Rivani and Broody! Not exactly the pair I would ever expect to see turning up here together."

"Not my first choice either, but it beats the hell out of sitting with the abomination and the malificar." I tell him plainly.

"Uh huh. So that would put your impossible-to-remember-if-she-is-currently-your-girlfriend where exactly?" Varric inquires.

Isabela claps him on the shoulder. "That's why we've come to retrieve you."

"Has she gotten herself into some sort of trouble?" Varric picks up Bianca.

"Only if you count boredom and embarrassment. She's trying to help Red, who hasn't shown up, land herself a man. It's amazing." Isabela strides back to join me in the doorway.

"Say no more." Varric joins us and we reenter the main room.

Hawke is staring into space somewhere to the left of Donnic, a second set of glasses in front of them.

Varric cringes. "My, that is pathetic. Has she not talked to him at all?"

"Hardly. And she isn't showing nearly enough of her breasts to get away with that. Actually, she isn't showing any. Or her ankles. Or wrists." Isabela looks at me. "Do you find that attractive?"

I scowl. "No. There is literally no clothing I hate worse than mage robes." I tilt up the bottle of wine and drain a third of it.

"But you—never mind. I give up." Isabela shakes her head.

"You're a confusing man Broody." Varric tells me.

 _Yes._ "At least I'm not involved with a crossbow."

Placing a hand over his heart, Varric feigns pain. "You wound me elf!"

The door to the Hanged Man opens, and Aveline steps inside. She pales as white as a sheet and then makes eye contact with me. As quickly as she can manage, she crosses over to us. "I can't do it. There's no way."

"Go over there or I swear I will bed the man myself." Isabela leans in close to her.

"I can't deal with you either whore." The guard captain throws her hands up and abandons us for Anders' and Merrill's table.

"Thank you so much for including me in this." Varric high-fives Isabela.

Hawke rises to retrieve more drinks, but Donnic gets up as well, waving her away. It appears that Hawke is pleading in vain for him to stay. After a few moments, he exits the bar. Hawke pivots to face my group, her hands in fists and her cheeks red. Her eyes snap to Aveline, and we all make our way over to her.

"Well!" Hawke puts on the fakest of grins. "You'll all be pleased to hear that Donnic is not interested in me, and we will not be going out again! In fact, I lack backbone, I'm too shy, and he is horribly disappointed."

 _Her? Shy?_ I chuckle, much to Hawke's annoyance.

Aveline hangs her head. "I couldn't do it. I'm an idiot."

Exhaling and calming down, Hawke shakes her head. "If you were, you would have hidden from the start. It's good that you tried."

"Yes! We're all very glad that you did!" Isabela provokes a growl from the red head.

"Could this have turned out any worse? I need to talk to him. But I'm a mess unless I'm on patrol. Killing highwaymen doesn't exactly provide an intimate setting though. And I'm tired of embarrassing myself." Aveline points at Merrill's drink, and the mage nods for her to take it. She downs it and coughs.

"I think you're onto something there!" Hawke holds up both thumbs.

Rolling her eyes, Aveline replies, "I can't fight and talk. That's nonsense."

"Again, she deflects." I give Aveline a serious look. _I can't let her give up on this._ "You're squandering something you don't understand."

"It is nonsense. That's why we'll clear the way, and you'll figure out if he's the one." Smugness blankets Hawke's face.

"Alright… You do that. And I—will live to regret this, I'm sure." Aveline says uncertainly.


	23. Anomalous Tactility

**Hey guys, sorry I keep uploading late :( my work schedule really throws me off.**

 **I hope you enjoy this! I am personally fond of the end ;)**

* * *

(6) Justinian 24th

The following day I find myself with Hawke, hiding in bushes along the Wounded Coast, and eavesdropping on a date. Again. _How is it possible that I've gotten myself into this situation again? Nothing is surprising with Hawke, I suppose._ Moments before, we were slaying robbers to ensure that the couple had an uneventful walk. At least that was something.

"So… the route is pretty quiet…" Donnic attempts.

"Yes! And… It's a real nice night for an evening!" Aveline blabbers.

 _Oh. Poor woman. I almost feel guilty that this makes me feel better about myself._

"Um… Yes. As you say, captain." The guardsman walks past our hiding spot.

Aveline laughs uncertainly and follows him. "Mmmhmm… As I say."

"Maker she's bad at this." Hawke sighs.

"Did she pick up those skills from Cullen? I think he's the only person I've met that's that bad." Anders sneers.

Merrill lightly smacks his shoulder. "That's mean!"

Hawke stands up. "We're clear, let's move on."

 _I don't think anything we do is going to improve this situation. They would probably be relieved to find a fight._

We clear the next section of the trail and light the signal fire, then it's back into the bushes we go.

"If it isn't done right, the blade can be too soft. Quenching the steel is a vital step that can make or break a sword." Aveline enthuses.

 _I remember when we discussed this a couple years ago. It's very interesting. She has a lot of knowledge. Amusing how we both lack interpersonal skills._

"Right." Donnic nods.

"A blade for every purpose. What do you think? About blades?"

"Um… I'm sorry captain. I drifted off a bit." Donnic tells her, sheepishly.

 _That's rude. As a guardsman, one would think he would pay a bit more attention. Especially when discussing something with the captain. He isn't good enough for her. Although, I can't exactly think of anyone who would be. Aveline is too good of a person and certainly more lawful than anyone else I know._

"Right. Of course." Aveline regains the lead, clearly dejected.

Hawke flops onto her back in the dust. "This is painful."

"Why didn't he want to learn about swords? Aveline's a great teacher!" Merrill trills.

"Most people prefer using them." Anders groans. "And it's not exactly pillow talk."

Offering Hawke my hand, I help her to feet. "Let's keep moving."

We push forward and reach the next signal, but before we can light it, the not-so-happy couple rounds the corner and spots us.

 _Here we go._

"Hawke! What are you doing here?" Aveline pretends to be surprised.

Merrill jumps in before Hawke can respond, "Oh! You caught us. You two are adorable! Kiss him already!"

Astonished, Donnic looks franticly between the group. "What?"

 _May as well get it out there._ "She wants you. It is pathetic… and admirable."

Anders chops the air with his hand. "Are you blind, man?"

"Captain?" Donnic gazes at Aveline, his eyes wide.

She merely laughs uncomfortably, her face mortified.

"I… should get back to the barracks." The guardsman leaves us in a hurry.

"I thought we were friends!" Aveline accuses the lot of us.

Hawke holds up her hands in defense. "We really tried! Sometimes friends have to push."

 _And sometimes they push too hard._

"I have to fix this." Aveline's breathing picks up speed. "He'll file a complaint, ask for a transfer. You." She points to each of us in turn. "You're coming to the barracks to explain why you put him on the spot. Double time Hawke, or so help me—" She clinches her fists tightly and walks off.

"I know she's mad, and that's not good, but I do think he likes her!" Merrill smiles. "I'm so excited for them!"

Hawke runs her hands through her hair. "I just hope this works out and Aveline doesn't hate me."

"She won't hate you." I tell Hawke seriously.

"We hope," adds Anders.

* * *

(6) Justinian 24th

Merrill, Anders, and I stand somewhat shamefully in the corner of the barracks while Hawke talks and Aveline worries.

"Maker, where is Donnic?" Aveline wrings her hands. "I have to head this off before it goes to the Viscount. Maybe a formal apology? Something that shows the guards they can still trust me."

"You can try the copper marigolds again. In hindsight, they weren't the worst option." Hawke smiles, trying to lighten the air.

 _Stop it Hawke. You're making it worse!_

"It's not funny! This is my job… my life! My everything is on the line!" Aveline begins to pace again.

"I'm sorry. I know. Just trying to defuse with humor, you know me…" Hawke's face falls, and she studies the floor, dejected. "I take full responsibility. None of this will fall on you if I have anything to do with it."

Her words make me smile. If ever I doubt Hawke's heart, that doubt is quenched when she does things like this. _Sometimes I have to see though her façade to remember the woman who would give her life without hesitation for any of us._

"Hawke…" Aveline steps towards her, and places a hand on Hawke's shoulder. "I—"

They are interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing. Donnic walks down the steps towards them. "My apologies serah Hawke, but I need a moment with the captain." His voice is surprisingly calm.

"Guardsman Donnic?" Aveline drops her hand and turns to him.

"Please." He gestures towards her office.

 _He seems awfully cordial…_

Hawke steps back and nods for them to go in. As the door swings closed, she skitters over to us, her eyes huge. "Did he look mad? I don't think that was mad!"

"It wasn't mad! Oh! I bet he's kissing her right now!" Merrill squeals, clapping her hands.

"Do you think?!" Hawke grabs Merrill's hands and leans towards her.

Merrill nods vigorously. "If I didn't think so, I wouldn't have said it!"

 _It's hard to tell. I don't know that I would be that optimistic. However, I am never that optimistic._

"I think you're a bit too hopeful." Anders sighs. "Can I go home now? I have things to do."

Hawke shushes him and holds a finger to her lips. She and Merrill creep slowly to the door and press their ears against it.

I shake my head. _Women are so strange._

After a moment, Hawke grins widely and covers her mouth. "Merrill, what do your elf ears hear?"

"Giggling!" The blood mage exclaims.

"Just making sure I wasn't hearing things!" Hawke claps Merrill's hands again and they bounce up and down. "We are the masters of matchmaking!"

"Yes! Except for how that went terrible and we just got extremely lucky that he actually liked her! Other than that, we are masters!" replies Merrill, giddy.

 _Well, good for Aveline. I hope this is what she wants it to be._

There's a loud bashing noise, and the two lady mages jump away from the door in a fit of giggles. "Let's get out of here!" Hawke exclaims, and they dash up the stairs.

Without looking at him, I shoulder past Anders and catch up with the girls outside. "That went considerably better than anticipated."

Hawke gives me a skeptical look. "You doubted us?"

"Yes." My expression remains stoic, but I wink at her.

"Goodnight." Anders says to Hawke as he walks past.

"Wait!" Hawke steps forward and catches his arm.

He spins at her touch, his eyes hesitating a moment on her lips before finding her eyes. "Yes, Hawke?" He says in a voice that's deep, for him.

I raise an eyebrow and cross my arms.

"Will you walk Merrill home? It's really late." Hawke asks releasing him.

I snort in amusement. _Excellent._

Anders wrinkles his nose. "I would rather… Fine." He jerks his head for Merrill to follow him and resumes his walk away.

"Thank you! Bye!" Merrill waves at both of us and then takes off after Anders. "Don't leave me! I'm behind you!"

I step closer to Hawke and half smile, noticing the way the moonlight shimmers in her eyes.

She moves nearer to me as well and smiles smugly, her face just inches from mine. "So, today was eventful, huh?"

"That's an understatement." I chuckle, pushing a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"It was good though. I'm proud." She lifts her chin.

I nod. "I'm glad it worked out. I like Aveline."

"I'm glad you like her! So do I." Hawke's cheek bones rise even more, making her eyes smile. She maintains eye contact with me and doesn't move any closer.

The fact that she doesn't try to push a kiss on me means so much. For that, I reward her. I slide my hand into her hair and pull her to me by the waist. Closing my eyes, I meet her lips gently with mine. She rests her hands on my tunic just above my collar bones, not grabbing me. Slowly, our lips move in sync. The markings on my face and chest softly hum to life. I cherish every second and enjoy the slight warmness of her breath. She pulls back just a little, barely bushing my lips and looks into my eyes. As she smiles, goose bumps spread all over my arms. I shiver. _I love you._ It's all I can do not to say those words to her. Instead I quickly kiss her forehead and step backwards, beaming. She giggles, her cheeks bright red.

I reach out and take her soft hand delicately in my gauntleted one. "Let's get you home."

"Yes please!"

We walk quickly back to her house. I don't release her hand as we pass Bohdan, climb the stairs, and enter her room. Once inside, I close the distance between us again and press a light kiss to her lips. Wanting something more, but unsure what, I say, "Would… would you like to trace my markings?" _Is that alright? She's liked that in the past, and I want to become more comfortable with her touch._

"Very much so." Hawke grins brightly.

She pulls my gauntlets off and drops them to the ground. Her fingers slide over my fingers, palms, and wrists, lighting them up. It hardly feels any different from the rest of my skin, merely tingling. Those tattoos have grown comfortable with her touch. _Alright then._ I step away, remove my chest plate, and pull off my tunic, not bothering with the clasps. Hawke looks at me seriously, her face asking my permission. Nodding assent, I pull her over to the bed and lay down next to her. I guide her hands to the top of my shoulders and close my eyes. _Just breathe. You can trust her._ I clench my teeth together. _It won't be that bad. You want this. She wants this._ Tediously, she begins gliding her fingers over the markings covering my shoulders. It burns more than my arms, but is tolerable. When she reaches my chest, her contact becomes even more faint. Still, it hurts, and I wince slightly.

She lifts her hands away. "Sorry. I'll stop."

Opening my eyes, I grab her wrists. "Don't." I smile. "It's good. It's important that we do this."

"Alright."

Gingerly, she resumes the tracing. I do my best to keep my muscles from tensing, but it's impossible. Every time she encounters a new spot, I flinch, and she pulls away. The burn lingers even after she withdraws her hands. To give us both a break for a moment, I lean up and kiss her again. I trail my fingers lightly along her jaw and she smiles against my lips.

Hawke moves her face away. "Thank you for letting me do this. We can go to sleep now if you'd like."

"That's alright. I'd prefer to continue." I tell her. "With each touch, you make it more bearable."

She nods. "Okay then." She swings one of her legs over me and settles her weight lightly on my hips. "Is this alright?"

Sitting up slowly and pulling her against my chest, I press my lips to her cheek. "Yes. I trust you." I whisper.

Hawke nuzzles my jaw. "And I love you." She whispers in return, then pushes me onto the mattress again. "Let's see if we can't get your body to trust me."

Her face mischievous, but her hands delicate, she returns to tracing the lines on my chest. Her fingers slide across the lyrium in controlled movements, back and forth. As the pain begins to recede along my clavicles, I'm able to relax a little more. _Why couldn't we have started improving things three years ago? We're both far too stubborn and difficult._ I drum my fingers against Hawke's knees and lower thighs.

"Hey!" She giggles, swatting at me. "That tickles!"

Amused, I open my eyes. "Sorry, that was not intended." _She's so cute._

"You better stop if you don't want to _accidently_ get stabbed by my fingernails." She crinkles her nose with humor.

I hold my hands up by my face. "No more tickling, I promise. For now."

After a while more of her gently following my markings, she returns to my shoulders. Her hands gradually knead the muscles there, working out countless knots built up from my life of stress. _I never expected anyone to take such care with me. I am very grateful that our paths happened to cross. Imagining what things would be like if they hadn't… It is strange. I have something now, something that I would never have wanted. I was incapable of appreciating or accepting anything like this before._ My hands move to Hawke's back, and I pull her flat on top of me.

"I appreciate you." I murmur to her, holding her close.

Hawke turns her head and nibbles my earlobe before replying, "That means so much to me. The fact that you let me be close to you… it's all I need."

Then we're kissing again, more passionately this time. Her hands twine into my hair, and mine slide down to her butt. We revel in our nearness, neither of us pressing for anything more. Simply, we kiss and cling to each other until tiredness overtakes us and she snuggles her head against my chest to sleep.


	24. Unshackled Passion

**We both know what this chapter is... *screaming* This has been my absolute favorite to write! Enjoy!**

* * *

(6) Justinian 26th

My heart beats in my throat. It's almost painful. Excitement, trepidation, many emotions flood my senses. This could be it. This could be the day. I halt in my tracks behind Hawke, holding my arms out to stop Aveline and Varric, and turn my eyes to the three men on the ridge above us.

"Hunters." I growl, pulling my sword from my back and tightly gripping the hilt. _Is it too much to hope these men came of their own volition and Danarius has lost interest? Could they be merely hoping to collect me for a profit?_

"Hunters?" Hawke twists around, her face perplexed.

"Stop right there!" Screams a man with an unsightly handlebar mustache. "You are in possession of stolen property!"

 _Still considered property, am I?_ My lip curls into a dark sneer. _Soon, I'll be in possession of their hearts._

Aveline frowns. "Varric, what did you take from them?"

 _They don't know what this is about. Curious._

"Huh? Nothing! I promise!" Varric holds up his hands in defense.

"Silence! Back away from the slave now, and you'll be spared!" The man clarifies.

Being called this again enrages me, and I growl loudly.

Hawke's features snap into frightening rigid lines. She slams her staff on the ground, sending out a spray of embers. "Fenris is a free man!" She roars, saliva flying from her mouth. Her muscles shake with tension, her posture that of an unyielding warrior.

 _She's defending me without hesitation. Just as I knew she would._ My lips curve into a full, if not sinister, smile _. I will be glad to annihilate this nuisance with Hawke at my side._

"I won't repeat myself. Back away from the slave now!"

Varric fires a crossbow bolt, striking the man in the calf. "You repeated yourself just now!"

Something inside me snaps at this second belittling from this man. "I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE!" I thunder, engaging every bit of lyrium in my flesh.

"I WON'T LET YOU TAKE HIM!" Hawke adds to my outburst. She flings her hands to her sides and flames erupt from them.

 _Just let them try!_

I charge past her and up the ridge, with Aveline flanking me. As I reach the slavers, the man with the mustache is ripped in half by two massive, clawed hands made of fire. _A fitting death! Excellently done, Hawke!_ I rush between the charred pieces of his corpse, driving my sword through the chest of the man behind him. A wheeze slides from my victim's lips as his weapon clatters onto the dirt, and he collapses onto his knees. I flick my sword upward, gliding it through his body as if he was made of butter, and withdraw it from it his throat. _He won't rise to enslave another._ When I turn, I see the remaining man, a mage, pinned onto his stomach by Aveline's boot. Marching over to them, I wave the guard captain away.

I drop to my knee, sink my gauntlets into his scalp, and yank the mage's head back to look at me. "Where is he?!" I slam his face into the ground, shattering his cheek bone.

"Please don't kill me!" The slaver pleads.

Again, I smash his cheek into the earth. "Tell me!" I bellow. _Danarius has to be behind this! He must be here!_

"I don't know! I don't know! I swear!" The scummy mage shrieks, a piece of bone protruding from a gash in the side of his face. "Hadriana brought us! She's at the holding caves north of the city! I can show you the way!"

 _So Hadriana is here! They really have come for me at last!_ "No need. I know which ones you speak of."

"Then let me go, I beg you! I swear won't—"

I cut him off. "You chose the wrong master." In one small movement, I snap his neck and drop the head, standing to my feet. _Because of you, many were not given a choice._

"Hadriana." I spit the word as it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. "I was a fool to think I was free. They'll never let me be!"

Hawke and Varric crest the ridge while I speak. Hawke approaches me, watchfully. "You recognize that name I take it?"

"My old master's apprentice." My nose and forehead wrinkle up in disgust. "I remember her well: a sniveling social climber that would sell her own children if she thought it would please Danarius." I clinch in my hands into fists. "If she's here, it's at his bidding. I knew he wouldn't let this go!"

"Then we track down that bitch right now!" Hawke sets her jaw.

I nod vigorously. "Yes. The holding caves held slaves in the old times, but apparently, they are no longer abandoned. We must go quickly, before Hadriana has the chance to prepare… or flee."

Varric scratches his head. "Well, at least these guys are out of your way. That's a start."

"There will be more. If Hadriana is here, she won't stop. We need to find her. We'll send a message to Danarius he won't soon forget."

"Not another word. We leave now." Hawke puts her staff on her back and leads the descent back towards Kirkwall.

(6) Justinian 24th

When we reach the mouth of the caves, I turn back to my companions. My arms shake with anticipation. _She's about to regret everything she ever put me through._ "We must be careful. There were many such holdings once, especially in the mountains, where individual slavers kept private pens. They were designed to protect against raids from fellow slavers. No doubt it's why Hadriana chose this place."

Hawke raises an eyebrow. "Do slavers attack each other often?"

"They did. What better way to find slaves than to steal them? It lessens the work since they have already had their wills broken. The holdings outside of Tevinter have mostly been abandoned, but they still exist." I explain.

Hawke frowns. "When we take out Hadriana, there will be one less monster in the world. And she certainly won't be the last on our list."

Nodding in agreement, Aveline adds, "Slavers will never show their faces around here without answering to us."

"That's right. Why they can't just deal in exotic spices is beyond me." Varric shrugs.

Hawke pumps her fist in front of her. "Let's go. A couple of defenses won't stop us."

Doubt creeps back into my mind. _There are so many ways she could have fled the tunnels already._ "Let's hope this isn't a waste of time."

I lead the way as we press through the caves. It isn't long before we enter a chamber full of people. A young elven teenager is huddled in a corner, bawling. The five men surrounding her whip around to face us as we enter.

"Get away from her!" I bellow, charging the room.

I collide with the man nearest me, knocking him off his feet. As he hits the ground, I force my sword through his side, pinning him. With one twist of my blade, I mangle his organs. Another slaver grabs me and shoves a dagger into my shoulder. _Either they want me alive or he is horrible at his job._ I throw my upper body backwards and slam his face with the back of my head. He reels just enough to allow Aveline room to run him through with her sword. I step on the first slaver for leverage and extricate my weapon. As I turn, I see another foe, flat on his back, with his face full of crossbow bolts. The fifth's body drips blood onto the floor from where it hangs, impaled on a stalactite. My eyes dart from the carnage to Hawke, questioning her.

A sheepish look on her face, Hawke points upwards. "That? Oh, that was actually an accident. But I will be using it in the future!"

Varric chuckles, and gives her a proud thumbs up.

I nod approval. With the threat eliminated, my attention returns to the elven girl. After sheathing my sword, I walk over to her, holding my hands up to show her I mean no harm. "Are you hurt? Did they touch you?"

Shaking violently, she rises. "They've been killing everyone! They cut papa, bled him…" Her words are over taken by sobs.

"I'm so sorry." Hawke covers her mouth with both hands.

Aveline moves to the girl's side and gently places a hand comfortingly on her shoulder. "Shhh… It's alright. We won't let anyone hurt you."

I try in vain to keep the anger out of my voice, so as not to frighten her further, "Why? Why would they do this?!" I search for answers among the faces of my friends. _Kaffas! We could have freed them!_

"It's the magister…" The elf sniffles, huddling closer to Aveline. "She… said she needed more power, that someone was coming to kill her."

 _Their deaths were, at least partially, our fault._ I lower my eyes.

"We tried to be good! We did everything we were told! She loved papa's soup… I don't understand…" The girl's eyes fill with tears again.

 _There's nothing to understand. They are beasts. Everything about them is beyond logical comprehension._

"We're going to help you." Hawke moves forward and takes the slave's hand. "Is the magister still here?"

"I… think so. The magister said they were to prepare for battle. I think she's very frightened!"

Turning my back and stepping away, I clench my fist. "She has every reason to be."

The girl pulls away from Aveline and moves after me. "Please, don't hurt her! She'll be so angry if you hurt her!"

Hawke draws attention away from me, "This has all been so terrible for you." She says soothingly. "You shouldn't have had to go through any of this."

"Everything was fine until today!" The elf shakes her head, getting agitated.

I face her again. "It wasn't. You just didn't know any better." I tell her softly.

She looks at me expectantly. "Are you my master now?"

"No!" I exclaim, swiping my hands to the sides. The thought makes me cringe. _She'll never answer to another master if I can help it._

Her face falls and her bottom lip quivers. "But… I can cook. I can clean! What else will I do?"

Hawke cuts in, "If you go to Kirkwall, I can help you."

 _Help her how exactly? She should go free._ I frown.

"Yes? Oh, praise the Maker! Thank you!" The girl claps her hands together and sighs in relief before running toward the exit of the cave.

I face Hawke, my eyebrows drawn together. "I didn't realize you were in the market for a slave."

Hawke twists her lips. "I gave her a job, Fenris."

"Ah. Then… That's good. My apologies." _Of course. I'm so stupid. She would never do that. As much as she's helped me… What was I thinking… This girl will be lucky to have Hawke nearby._ I set my hand on Hawke's shoulder. "Forgive me. I did not mean to imply that you would do that… This is a lot…" I drop my hand. "I'm just so angry that we were not here in time to save the others!"

"There's nothing to forgive. I'm angry as well; let's keep moving." Hawke gestures for me to take the lead again. I do.

 _Let's just get this done with._

After a walk that I am unsure whether it was too long or too short, I kick open a door, and there she is. Hadriana. She looks exactly the same. Instantly, I see a memory of her flicking flames onto my bare skin for hours. She would laugh sadistically at the scorch marks as my skull pealed back under their touch. I had kneeled unflinchingly at her feet the way I was commanded to. _Never again._

Red fills the corners of my vision and I charge her, not paying the slightest heed to her guards. I slam her with my shoulder, but she deflects, casting me to the side with a blast of her blood. As the sticky liquid slides down my nose, I turn and spit it in her face.

"You always were a beast." Hadriana says venomously, drawing back to cast again.

I beat her to draw, slicing cleanly through the front of her thigh. Before she can hit the ground, she's flung backwards into the cave wall. Her back strikes a rock with a crack.

"You don't get to call him that! BITCH!" Hawke screams. Her hair hangs in her eyes and she looks absolutely predatory.

 _That's right._ I snarl and slam the hilt of my sword underneath Hadriana's chin. Her teeth clack together, chipping, and she cries out in pain.

Still pinned to the wall, the magister slams her hand into the huge gash on her thigh. She pulls it away covered in glowing blood and grins as she smashes it against my face.

The blood begins to bubble and eat away at my flesh. _Kaffas!_ I swipe at it with my elbow, and manage to quell the pain. However, my vision is pure white; I can't make out anything. Steel-clad arms lock around my shoulders and pin me against the chest of whomever they belong to. _Bad move. Excellent for me._ I drop my sword. Activating my markings, I phase backwards through the attacker, leaving my hands inside him as I rematerialize. In one snatch, I extricate his heart and lungs, dropping them to the ground.

I blink franticly, but my vision does not return. "Hawke! Healing would be welcome!" I call out to her, as I step over the corpse and pick up my sword.

After a moment, lightness washes over me, and my sight is returned. I check my surroundings: Varric is firing upon two guards from behind some rubble, Aveline bashes another against the wall with her shield, and Hawke is engaged with Hadriana, who's legs have been impaled with icicles. _Brilliant Hawke!_ I rush towards them and swing my blade at the magister. She redirects with it with a flit of a bloody finger and hits Hawke in the gut with a fire ball on the return swing.

My mage falls onto her back, desperately trying the extinguish her burning robes. "Flames!"

 _Don't touch her!_ I lash out with my sword, this time sliding it cleanly through her ribs and back, not an instant kill but enough to incapacitate her. The slave owner slowly slides to the ground; her hands clutch her wound, and her eyes are wide and full of fear.

"Stop! You do not want me dead!" Hadriana screams.

I loom over her, sword poised to deal the mortal blow. "There is only one person I want dead more!"

"I have information, elf, and I will trade it in return for my life!" The despicable woman trembles.

I curl my lips. "The location of Danarius? What good will that do me? I'd rather he lose his pet pupil."

"You have a sister. She's alive!" Hadriana exclaims.

 _A… a sister?... How?... I have family, alive?_ In my shock, I lower my blade, and Hadriana sits up. _How could this be? Without my knowing?_

"You wish to reclaim your life? Let me go, and I'll tell you where she is!" The maleficar pleads.

 _To reclaim my old life…_?

Hawke, walks up and pauses just behind my shoulder. "How do we even know you're telling the truth?"

"You don't." Hadriana laughs darkly. "But I know Fenris. And I know what he's searching for. If he wants me to betray Danarius, he'll have to pay for it."

I glare at the wretch of a woman. _Do not speak of me as if I'm not here._

Hawke looks at me, her eyes full of emotion. "It's your decision Fenris."

"Alright." I step over Hadriana and lean in close, my nose inches from hers.

"So, I have your word? I tell you, and you let me go?" Hadriana asks, hopeful.

"Yes. You have my word." I breath into her face.

Her eyes relax in relief. "Her name is Varania. She is in Qarinus, serving a master by the name of Ahriman."

I raise an eyebrow. "A servant or a slave?"

"She's not a slave!" Hadriana exclaims.

"I believe you." I straighten up, and ignite my markings. I lunge forward and plunge my hand into her chest. _But even death is too pleasant a fate for you._ She gasps and splutters as I rematerialize, her heart in my hand. As her corpse drops, I throw the heart into the pile and turn, walking towards the exit. "We're done here." _I have a sister. I can't believe I never knew. Or this could be a farce! Venhedis! My life will always be screwed up!_ I clench my fists and grit my teeth.

Varric and Aveline stand in stunned silence; they had finished off the rest of the guards and witnessed what happened.

Hawke jogs to catch up to me. "Wait, do you want to talk about it?" She says out of ear reach of the rest.

I round on her. "No! I don't want to talk about it!" I yell, angrier than I expected to be.

"You beat me to it." Hawke gestures to the cadaver, clearly trying to lighten the air.

Her attempt at humor just makes me more furious. "Oh, you think this is good? This could be a trap! Danarius could have sent her here to tell me about this 'sister!' Even if he didn't, trying to find her would still be suicide! Danarius has to know about her and has to know that Hadriana knows!" I fling my hands to the sides and turn away. "But all that matters is that I got to crush this bitch's heart. May she rot, and all the other mages with her."

Hawke places her hand gently on my shoulder. "Maybe we should leave." I can't see her face, but her voice is strained.

I pull away from her grasp. "No. I don't want you comforting me." _I can't take this right now!_

"This doesn't mean we shouldn't go after your sister." Hawke says sternly.

I face her again, scowling harshly. "Even if I found my sister, who knows what the magisters have done to her! What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?"

Hawke's teeth sink into her lip to keep if from quivering, and I realize I've upset her.

 _I didn't mean… She thought I meant…_ I press my palms to my temples. "I… need to go." I run out of the cave, retracing the path we took on the way in.

My feet lead me towards Kirkwall as my thoughts take over. _I broke my word. She deserved what she got, but still… Why do they always have to ruin everything?! Things were just beginning to work out with Hawke. I was building a life here, and now… What? Do I pursue what I had before? The life I can't so much as remember a scrap of? Do I walk into the certain trap on the blind hope that I actually do have a sister and that I could somehow free her? If I did free her, what kind of life could I give her in my collapsing stolen mansion… I don't even know if it would be better than servitude. This is such a mess! There is no right answer… Oh no…_ I exhale. _I said that all mages should rot. I did_ not _mean Hawke. Undoubtedly, she took that to heart._ I frown at the dirt in front of me. _I never want to hurt her. She very well may be the one thing that magic hasn't spoiled. As much as I would prefer to be alone tonight, I need to talk to her again._ I walk through Hightown and all the way to her door and pull it open, without knocking.

Bohdan starts to welcome me, but I hold up my hand and silence him. "I'll be waiting for her." I march up the stairs and into Hawke's room. Once inside, I take a seat on the bench at the end of her bed. _Hopefully this isn't a mistake…_ As I sit and wait for her, the sun sets, and multiple times Harley paws on the door trying to get in. I make no move to let the dog in, or look out the window, I simply sit patiently.

Eventually, the door opens and in steps the beautiful mage. "Fenris!" She squeaks in surprise.

I quickly stand to my feet. "I've been thinking about what happened with Hadriana." I nervously rub my chin. "I took out my anger on you, undeservedly so. I'm sorry."

"I had no idea where you went. I was concerned." Hawke frowns. "I certainly didn't expect to find you here."

I nod, frowning myself. "I needed to be alone." I begin to pace. "When I was still a slave, Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meals, hound my sleep. Because of her status, I was powerless to respond, and she knew it. The thought of her slipping out of my grasp now… I couldn't let her go. I wanted to, but I couldn't."

Hawke nods that she understands and looks at me expectantly, absentmindedly rubbing her shoulder.

"This hate… I thought I had gotten away from it. But it dogs me, no matter where I go." I stop pacing and face her. "To feel it again, to know it was they who placed it inside me… it was too much to bear." I sigh and drop my gaze, moving towards the door. "But I didn't come here to bother you further. Just to apologize." _Hopefully, now she won't hold this against me._

"You don't need to leave Fenris." Hawke quickly grabs my arm before I can close around the doorknob.

The sudden unexpected contact burns my markings and startles me, I lash out, slamming her against the wall with both hands. Hawke gasps as fear fills her eyes. _No! I didn't mean to!_ I pull my hands back and look at her, horrified.

"It's okay." Hawke smiles. "I know you wouldn't actually hurt me. I'm sorry I touched you, I wasn't thinking—"

 _So quick to forgive me._ I cut her off by pressing my lips to hers and pulling her against me; It was rash, and I didn't expect to do it. She melts into the kiss, laying her hands against my chest plate. I part her lips, deepening the kiss, and push her up against the wall again. _No reason to stop now._

Hawke pulls back for a moment and grabs a breath. "Do you want this?"

Nodding yes, I press myself against her and plant kisses lightly along her jaw. _I think it's finally time we get what we want._ Hawke shoves herself forward and spins us around so that she can pin me to the wall. Our lips meet again and I grab her butt, pulling her hips tightly against mine. My knee nudges her legs apart slightly. She bites my top lip playfully and then whispers with a giggle, "Can you please take those gauntlets off? I prefer my ass attached."

 _Didn't even think about that._ Blushing, I pull them off and return my hands much more gently. "Better?"

"Much." She moves her lips to my ear and runs her tongue delicately along the outside edge of it. This sends a shiver through my body, and my markings glow in response, shining through my clothes. Her lips stop at the point of my ear and she takes it her mouth. My back reflexively straightens, causing me to unintentionally pull back from her. Hawke smirks, pressing me harder against the wall with her chest. "Didn't like it?"

I lean into her, allowing my breath to lightly graze her ear. "Quite the contrary."

I step away from the wall and wrap my arms around Hawke's waist, lifting her off the floor. She complies and locks her legs around me, grinning. I walk over to the bed and lay her down, climbing on top of her. Pressing my elbows into the mattress, I hold my body just above her, allowing kisses only. Hawke lifts herself up to meet me, but I sit back on my knees and unhook my chest plate, casting it to the ground with a clang.

As I start on the clasps of my tunic, Hawke looks confused. "What are you doing? Shouldn't you keep that on…? Wait. What are we doing?"

I smile at her and toss my tunic aside. "You know."

She sits straight up, her eyes huge. "Are you sure? You don't have—"

"I know. I want this." My hands move to the clasps on her robes, and I begin undoing them. _We both deserve to be happy._

"If you're sure… then… okay!" Hawke's face lights up brighter than I've ever seen before.

She begins to help me with the fasteners but hesitates.

I look up at her. "What is it?"

"Never mind, it's silly." Hawke shakes her head, still smiling.

Tracing my fingers up to her chin, I say, "I highly doubt that."

She thinks for a second and then holds up a finger, signaling me to wait. Hawke runs over to her dresser, holding her robes closed to keep them from dropping to the ground, and picks something up. When she returns, she bashfully hands me a wide red ribbon.

I raise an eyebrow. _Did I miss something? Was I supposed to give her a gift?_

"I said it was silly!" Her cheeks turn pink. "I just wanted to give you something of mine because anything could happen to separate us and… and that's not the point. I wanted you to have something of mine that wouldn't be in your way or anything…" She looks at the ground. "Never mind. It's stupid, give it back."

"It isn't stupid." I tie the ribbon around my wrist and smile at her. _That was very thoughtful._

Joy returns to my mage, she sits up on her knees, and presses a sweet kiss to my cheek. My hands glide across her shoulders, pushing the material off of them. She pulls her arms out of her robes and I slide them off her legs, leaving her exposed in her underclothes. A playful look crosses her face, and she climbs under the covers. I join her and she pulls me close, running her hands across my back. The burn in my flesh means nothing to me right now. All I think about is the gorgeous woman I'm about to make love to. Hawke rolls me onto my back and slides her hands down my chest to the top of my pants. She grabs the edges of them and pulls them over my hips and thighs, I kick them off. Then she's on top of me, her hands in my hair, her lips on my lips. My hands find her lower back, thumbs drifting under the band of her underwear. She lightly kisses my nose and then sits up, straddling me, and pulls her bra off. My breath catches in my throat for a moment. _She's stunning._ I sit up and draw her to me, chest to chest. Her bare breasts against me are unlike anything I've ever felt. Enjoying physical contact is strange to me, but this, this surpasses anything I have ever found pleasant before. _I never want to let go of her. I want to be hers, have her look at me this way every day, and hold like this every night_. The light from my body reflects off her pale skin where we meet. Our bodies are in stark contrast to each other: mine tattooed and rough, hers silky and unmarred. It's as if we were created to be in this balance.

I bring my lips to her ear. "This is considerably different from the first time I saw you like this." I chuckle.

Surprise blankets her face. "When did you?—"

"Your drunk naked swim." I remind her.

She scowls and presses her forehead to mine. "You weren't supposed to remember that."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm in just as much awe now as I was then." I smile.

She rolls her hips against me, and my hands tangle in the sheets. "You better be." She smirks.

I bring my palms up to her breasts and cup them, squeezing gently. They're soft and satisfying to the touch. I feel goosebumps appear under my hands. Hawke closes her eyes and arches her back slightly. Her form is dreamlike; she's so much more than beautiful or sexy. She is beyond definition. She is the woman that I love, and, _she's mine_. I kiss her clavicle and the skin just above where my hands rest. She trails her fingers across my shoulders, sighing. One of my arms drop, and I brace her against me. She lightly nips the base of my neck with her teeth, and I lift her up slightly as my body tenses in the best possible way. I had once despised the thought of her having this power over me. Now, I revel in it.

She returns to my ear, nibbling it, and making it impossible to keep my breathing steady. Hawke's voice comes out in barely a whisper. "Enough of this. If you're ready."

I nod in reply. She moves to my side and, shielded by the covers, pulls her underwear off. I do the same and then unfalteringly pull her into my arms. Our hands squeeze shoulders, arms, hips, anything they can reach as our lips entangle. Without any prior warning, a loud knock resounds from the door. We freeze, staring into each other's eyes, horrified. _MAKER WHY NOW?! If that is Hawke's mother, I am a dead man. Fasta vass! Na via lerno victoria!_ If possible, my heart rate increases even more. I hear it pounding my ears.

Hawke desperately draws in air and clears her throat. "Who is it? Don't come in, I've been sleeping, so I'm not dressed." She manages to say with only mild venom.

"I am so deeply sorry to disturb you Messere!" Bohdan's voice calls out from beyond the door. "However, there is a young elven lady here who claims to work for you now. What should my boy and I do?"

My rage at the interruption melts away when I remember Hawke offering that poor slave a better life.

Hawke chuckles and shakes her head. "Yes, I know her—"

As she starts talking, I run my hand up the inside of her leg and grip her thigh, pressing my lips to her neck. She gasps and leans away from me, trying to glare but her red cheeks and smile ruin it.

Hawke fakes a cough and then continues, "Feed her, give her a bed, and don't wake me again."

Her kindness only makes me want her even more. I shift my weigh onto her and run my tongue lightly along her jaw. She bites her knuckle to keep from giggling and covers my face with her other hand.

"Just as you say!" Replies the dwarf.

After a few moments of silence to ensure he had descended the stairs, I bring my gaze to rest on Hawke. "Shall we?"

She grins and tackles me, covering my neck with kisses as her body is half draped across mine. I hug her to my chest and burry my face in her hair before guiding her hips to straddle mine once more. Hawke's eyebrows knit together and she shakes her head no. _What? She doesn't want to?_ She rolls off me and onto her back, pulling me over her and between her legs. I hold myself up and give her a questioning look.

She smiles, her eyes honest and caring. "I want you to have control."

In that moment, those words mean so much to me. As I lower myself to meet her, I say what I never thought I would, "I love you, Hawke."

Her eyes fly open wide, and joy blankets her face. "Fenris, I love you t—" Her words are cut off by a small, trilled shriek that I elicit from her.


	25. Mourning After

**Times are dark now but they will get better.**

* * *

(6) Justinian 25th

I am roused from my sleep by memories. They are shockingly vivid and pristine. I'm there in the moments, reliving them. I see my mother and sister. There's a garden, purple flowers grow amid bushes, and a dirt path stretches through the center of it. My sister Varania chases me down the path, her red pigtails streaming behind her. We're barely older than toddlers. I let her catch up to me, and she tackles me to the ground laughing.

"You win!" I concede, laying flat on my back in defeat. A smile covers my face.

Varania jumps up and down with excitement. "Mommy did you see?! I'm just as fast as Leto now!"

Standing to my feet, I wrap my arms around her and lift her off the ground with some effort. "But not as strong!"

"Put me down!" My sister says, laughing even harder.

I set her back on her feet and walk over to where my mother kneels, picking some vegetables. "Can I help?"

Mother looks at me with her tired, yet kind, green eyes and nods. She hands me a basket, and I join her, harvesting the spoils of the garden.

My mind is peaceful. I'm a child, with no concept of the horrors my world contains. I'm proud of myself for assisting my mother, I adore my sister, and thoughts of how our lives are imperfect and dangerous are far from my thoughts.

"Look! Look!" Varania jumps up and down excitedly, pointing to the northern edge of the garden.

My eyes follow her gesture, and I notice a tiny Fennec scuffling in the dirt. The tan foxlike creature pounces playfully on the spot and then resumes digging.

I grin at my sister. "Do you think it has found a frog?"

Varania covers her mouth. "No! It can't eat a frog! I like those!"

I roll my eyes before cutting them at her. _If I let some animal get eaten, she'll cry for the rest of the week._ Then I push up the loose sleeves on my shirt that's several sizes too big. My arms are skinny and dark, like the rest of me, and they're bare and free of tattoos. I stride across the grass towards the Fennec, holding my hands out defensively. When I near it, the creature chuffs at me, throwing its giant ears backwards. Startled, I stumble. After a second, I notice how adorable it is, even angry, and move towards it again.

Without a moment's notice, the memory changes. I catch glimpses, words, places. Faces and sounds strike new meaning in my mind. I'm remembering everything. I see myself, my sister, growing up. Then it is all overtaken by a much more recent memory, one of many that I had suppressed.

I lay on my side, as still as possible, clutching my dislocated shoulder. I dare not do anything more than breathe softly through my nose. _Perhaps, if I am very still, I can lay here a little longer._ My body tries to shiver as cold air crosses my naked frame, but I do not allow it. I dig my teeth into the side of my cheek, focusing all my attention there. It is not enough. A foot strikes me in the center of my spine, forcing me out of the bed. I crash onto the stone floor, crying out as my shoulder is retched further out of place.

"I _thought_ I told you to be quiet." Danarius says in a low voice. He sits up, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed, and backhands me across the face. My tooth slices open the side of my tongue.

I swallow the blood that fills my mouth, not daring to spit. As quickly as I can manage, I stand. "Yes, you did, Master." I kneel at the side of his bed, one hand on my knee the other arm hanging limply in agony. "Forgive me Master, for I have failed you."

"My little Fenris," The magister clicks his tongue disapprovingly. He jabs two fingers into the torn muscles of my arm. "Is that how you were taught to kneel?"

Refraining from wincing, I reply, "No Master." I hesitate for a moment. "May I set my shoulder back into place?"

"No, you may not." Danarius answers in a sickeningly sweet fake tone.

 _That was too much to hope for. I should not have asked._ With my good arm, I forcibly bend the other and bring it to rest on my knee. Pain consumes half of my body, the markings glowing profusely. "Is there anything else I can do for you Master?"

"That is all. You will remain there until morning; I like the light."

Shaking my head, I snap out of the memory and look franticly around at my surroundings. My skin is drenched in sweat, and I awaken terrified. _Where…?_ For a moment, the soft sheets and fancy room startle me; I feel as though I'm in Danarius' bed again. Then I see her beside me. _Hawke._ I breathe a sigh of relief, but that second is fleeting. _My memories! They have returned!_ I search my brain, but I come up almost entirely empty. The answers that were there just moments before having now left me. _No, no, no! I saw it all! It was here! There was… My sister! Her hair was… What color was her hair? She…_ Nothing. I can't retrieve a single other detail. The memories of my time as a slave have overshadowed them, erased them again. _How can this be?! I know there was more! It can't be gone!_ My breath becomes fast and ragged. I slide out of the bed, not wishing to disturb Hawke. I sit on the floor with my back against the frame and my head in my hands. _Please come back…_ I search and search my brain to no avail. My body begins to shake, only partially from being cold. I grit my teeth, anger welling up inside of me. _How is it that I find myself, yet again, shivering naked on a mage's floor with no memory of who I used to be?_ I stand. _No, this isn't the same. It isn't._ I try to fight the doubt that creeps into my mind as I retrieve the pieces of my clothing from their locations around the room and quickly dress. _I'm here because I wanted to be here._ I take a long look at Hawke; she lays curled in ball on one side of the bed with her hair sticking up adorably. _Because I love her._ I begin pacing. _Maker, I told her that last night!_ I run a gauntleted hand through my hair. _What about this brought my memories back? And what caused them to flee again? To regain so much just to have it torn away… Will I ever truly know who I was? I feel like a third of a person: a piece of me is lost, a piece was destroyed by Danarius, and the shred of sanity I cling to now is the final piece._ Again, my eyes seek out Hawke, my refuge. Her chest rises and falls in perfect rhythm, oblivious to me. I frown. _She deserves so much more than a fraction of a man. It's all I can do to hold this last section of myself together. I have no right to tie her down with me. I care about her too much for that._ I make my way over to the fireplace to the left of her bed, and lean against it. _Would this same thing happen if we were intimate with each other again?_ I shiver. _I couldn't stand to lose those memories for third time…_

Hawke stirs behind me, I hear her sit up. "Fenris?" She asks in a sweet sleepy voice.

My stomach sinks, and I feel nauseous. I lean my weight against the mantel and press the top of my head against the wall. _How can I explain to her…? What can I possibly say? I can't just… But I can't stay with her. Not with this pain. Not when she should have everything I'm not… Maker…_ I don't turn to look at her.

"Fenris? Is everything alright?" Hawke's voice is thick with concern.

Keeping my back to her, I shake my head no. _Nothing is alright. The one thing I truly wanted has been spoiled by Danarius. Just as everything prior to this has been. And yet he still lives. I thought I could have this. I thought I had overcome the days of excruciating sexual encounters. Now I have merely added a new layer._ I ding my fingers into the mantle. _If I haven't been repaired in the seven years since my escape, will I ever be?_

"Is it your markings? They hurt, don't they?" My beloved's voice trembles, and I can tell she thinks this her fault.

"No!" The word snaps from my mouth when I intended it to be soft and reassuring. I shake my head and force myself to turn around. "No. It isn't that. It's…" _Where do I begin? There are so many reasons why I need to end this, and so many selfish ones why I want to stay._

Hawke pulls the blanket up to shield her bare body. She looks at me, vulnerable and afraid, her eyes huge and glistening. "Did you not like… Was I not good?" Her voice is barely above a whisper.

I press my fingers to my forehead. _My being miserable has nothing to do with you!_ "No. I'm sorry, it's not… It was fine." My gaze drops to the floor as I realize how much this affects her. _Fasta vass. Shit. Venhedis. What have I done?! I tell her I love her, rob her of her purity… and then… leave?_ My stomach clenches painfully, and I want to vomit. _Is there another option? Staying would be so much worse for both of us…_ Her sniffles draw my attention again, and I look up to see her wiping tears from her face with the edge of the blanket. _No! Don't cry, not fine, I didn't mean…_ I move closer to her. "That was insufficient." I pause until she looks up at me. "It was better than anything I could have dreamed of." When I tell her this, I mean it. Prior to my memories returning, everything had felt right, for the first time in my life. I give her a small smile, but it is weak and pained. "You were – are – perfect."

Hawke lets out a small giggle amidst her sniffling. "I don't know about that. And I think I could dream up a few crazier things for us to do. Besides, I'm sure I'll be much better at it with a little practice."

 _I'll never be able to experience those things._ Sighing, I turn back to the fireplace. _Hawke… I do love her since of humor._

"If it wasn't that… Then what's wrong?" She says, serious again.

 _Just be out with it. Honesty is a good option._ "My memories…" I exhale. "They all came back to me… even the ones I had intentionally repressed. But… all those of my life before are gone again. Only the… less desirable remain." _No reason to go into that._

"Oh my… but that's good, isn't it? That means your memories aren't gone forever; we could work on getting them back!" There is an edge of excitement in her voice.

I strike the mantle with my palms, directing the brunt of my anger there and out of my voice. "Perhaps you don't see how upsetting this is." I begin to pace the length of her bedchamber. "To lose all of that again… it's maddening. And having it replaced with that which I was all too eager to be rid of is… unbearable."

"Fenris… I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. I had no idea that was even possible." She looks at me with a deep sadness. It is like another knife in my ribs to have her feeling my pain.

I stop beside her window and rest my arm against the pane. "This was the first time I ever remembered anything from before the ritual. I've never so much as recalled a flash of it… and now it is lost again." _What color was my sister's hair? How could forget something such as that? What brought it back in the first place?!_ "This is all too much. It's too fast… I can't… I can't."

Hawke stands up, letting the blanket fall to floor, but does not approach me. "We can work through this. It doesn't have to be fast. If this is the last time we do this, then I am okay with that."

I don't look upon her frame; I don't deserve that luxury. _She's so kind. Just as always. But this is too painful, and I can't continue to make her suffer on my behalf._ "I'm so sorry. I feel like such a fool. All I wanted was to be happy – just for a little while… Forgive me. I was wrong to think I could have that." Keeping my eyes trained on the ground, I make my way to her door. _Just go. The longer you stay the more impossible it will become._

"Fenris!" Hawke bursts into tears, stopping me before I grab the handle. "You weren't wrong to want to be happy! You deserve so much more than that. Please… stay. We will figure everything out." Her words are interrupted by sobs, and she wipes her face with a wrist. "We can do this together. You don't have to be alone. Neither of us should be alone."

Her tears hurt just as much as anything ever has. I can't stand being the cause of her sorrow. "Neither of us should have to face my problems. Still, they exist. I won't allow you to be subjected to them any longer." It feels as though my heart is being ripped from my chest in an ironic turn of events as I twist the door knob and step out of her room. I want to run back to her, cry with her, fix things, but I don't. _I can't._ I remember the red ribbon that rests against the skin under my gauntlet. It gives me the strength to keep walking. _I have a piece of her, and I will wear it always._

Hawke's sobs intensify, and I hear her drop the floor. "Fenris… I still love you."

It takes every bit of my resolve not to look back at her. "And I love you." I tell her and close the door behind me. _That will never change._

As I descend the stairs, I hear her plead, "Come back to me."


	26. Typhlotic Confrontation

**All the party members are so close, and nosy, at this point; I don't see any way everyone wouldn't know what happened and have something to say about it.**

* * *

(6) Justinian 28th

"Get out of my house!" I snarl at the pirate. She broke one of my windows, climbed in, and now stands in my bedchamber yelling at me. It's been three days and not nearly long enough since I've seen any of the rest of the group.

"Not a chance!" Isabela snaps back, stabbing a dagger into the arm of my chair. "I want to know what the fuck you think gives you right to treat Hawke like that! After everything she's done for you?! She's not some tramp scum from Darktown! She's the only reason you have anything!"

"Isabela." I growl, my fists tight and my markings bright with anger. _She has no idea what she's talking about! I did this because I know Hawke deserves better!_

"Oh, don't 'Isabela' me. I have the right to give you hell. Hawke is my best friend, and you destroyed her! She hasn't left her house! Our leader, the energetic, funny one? The only woman in Kirkwall who can match my biting wit? I can't even get her to smile. She won't go drinking with me, or accept the stupid odd jobs she used to love! You did this! You discarded her! And you know what pisses me off the most?!" Isabela pulls the dagger out of the chair and spins it in her palm. "She isn't even mad at you. So, I get to be furious for the both of us. And you get to shut up and take it. Should you decide not to, I'll shove this knife through your crotch. Actually, I might do that anyway."

I frown. _No. That can't be. Ugh. Poor Hawke… I didn't intend for any of this to happen… I expected her to… This isn't what I wanted!_ "Isabela, you don't understand-"

"I understand plenty! You popped her and ditched! It's classic really. Honestly, it was probably bound to happen. I don't know how she lasted this long." She glares at me. "What I didn't expect was for you to be the one to do it. You didn't seem like the type. Plus, what kind of sick bastard plays someone for four years and then pulls that?! You've been, whatever your version of close is, with Hawke for so long; is this a game for you? Did you have fun?!"

"You think I planned this?!" _I couldn't fathom treating anyone like that! Much less the woman I love!_

Isabela gives her eyes a long dramatic roll. "Come off it! You don't _accidently_ leave someone after banging them! I would know!"

I wring my hands painfully hard, my eyes dropping to the ground. _I know that! I realize my timing was horrible and I made everything so much worse… but my memories… I just couldn't… I'm so weak…_

"Here I was actually starting to think you cared about her! You yourself know she's not some casual fuck!"

"SHUT UP!" I scream slamming my hands over my ears and squeezing my eyes shut. _I would never treat her like that! I didn't want to hurt her! I didn't do any of it on purpose!_ "I'M SORRY!"

Isabela freezes, shocked. "You what?"

I drop my hands. "I'm sorry. About all of it. I regret every second I don't spend at her side." I clench my teeth and level my gaze at the pirate, challenging her to ridicule me again. "I didn't want to leave her. The thought of her in tears crushes me!"

Her entire demeanor changes, and she furrows her eyebrows. "Then… Why did you run out? What happened?"

I sigh. _I don't want to tell anyone about this, but I also I do not want her misunderstanding._ "It was a combination of factors. The only one that matters is that I left because she deserves something real; I should be the only person who has to suffer my life."

"You…" Isabela shakes her head. "I said you were a strange man before…"

"It was an accurate statement." I snort. _It's surprisingly freeing to talk about this… Ugh._

Chewing on her lip, Isabela thinks for a moment. "So, you're telling me, that none of this brings you pleasure? This wasn't your end game?"

"Of course not! I've gone through enough psychological torment for everyone in Kirkwall! I don't want to see Hawke suffer!" I slam my fist against the backrest of the chair nearest me.

Still not entirely convinced, Isabela crosses her arms. "You didn't just do this to have her first and piss of Anders?"

"No!" I roar, my markings igniting with fury. _How dare she bring him into this!_

She holds her hands up in defense. "Alright, alright. What then? You feel inferior?"

I take a breath, calming myself before answering. "Hawke should have the chance to be with someone who is good for her. She has wasted enough time on me."

The rogue takes a seat in my chair. "You know you can't make her unlove you. Leaving won't stop her from worrying about you."

Lowering my eyes, I take the adjacent chair. "I am painfully aware. Still, what would you have me do? I'm not fit for a relationship. I would rather her have the option to move on. She should move on."

"I see. I understand where you're coming from now, at least." Isabela pulls a flask out of her cleavage and takes a drink from it before handing it to me. I nod my thanks. "I can't say that I think she will though. Hawke'll be stuck on you. She already was… but _now_? She can't be shaken easily and now she's had a taste of you. If I had to guess, I'd say she'd die alone before giving up on you returning to her."

I take a long pull from the flask and hand it back to her. "Is it wrong that I find that relieving? Kaffas…" _I am so screwed up._

Isabela chuckles. "Not if you're in love with her."

After a moment of my silence her laughter trails off and her eyes widen. "Oh. You're serious. You're in love with her."

"Look, leaving Hawke was the hardest thing I have ever done. I can't just go back and let it have been for nothing. I have to give her the opportunity to move on from me. I'm not good for her." I run a hand through my hair.

"Alright. I suppose you have logic there." Isabela searches for her words. "But promise me, if she still choses you, go back to her. If you don't, it will surely kill the both of you."

 _That's a good plan… I wouldn't want to stay away forever anyway. This will give me something to work towards in the meantime. And if she moves on… that's what I wanted for her._ Looking Isabela in the eye, I nod agreement.

Isabela hops out of my chair, returning her flask to its hiding place. "Good. And, sorry about yelling at you. It was uncalled for; I didn't know."

I wave her away. "Do not apologize for standing up for Hawke. I respect you more for it."

"Thanks." Isabela smiles genuinely as she makes her way out of my room. "Also, about the window, that is my bad." She throws over her shoulder.

 _That it is. And she's fixing it._ I move to my chair. _If only everything could be repaired as easily. Replacement would be welcome at this point. Ugh. Why does this have to be so painful for both of us? I would have thought it would have been less difficult considering we spent three years separated… It's just different now. Everything has changed. Not just between the two of us, but in all aspects of my life. It isn't even that I need closure from my past, I just can't tolerate how it was snatched from me again. I can't help but wonder if the reactivation of my memories had something to do with Hawke's magic reacting to the lyrium in my skin… Even if that did cause it, it doesn't matter. I've known Hawke long enough to realize she is not to blame. She would never hurt me._ I exhale and rise, wandering downstairs and retrieving a bottle of wine. _Not the way I've hurt her._ I rip the cork out and down a substantial portion of the bottle as I return to my seat. _Kaffas. How is it that to do what is best, you so often have to wound the very person you're trying to protect? Having people in my life is so much more difficult than being alone. I'm terrible at interactions, all the emotions are confusing and most of them are awful, and there never seems to truly be a correct plan of action. When I was on my own, I did what kept me alive and kept the mages dead. It was simple._ I take another drink. _Now all the lines are fuzzy. I choose to be miserable to give a mage a chance at a better life, yet in doing so I have crushed her._ I scrape my fingers along the arm of the chair. _I just hope I haven't destroyed her spark… Hawke, I'm so sorry… One day I will understand how to fix this._

After a few hours, a second empty bottle, one that contained some kind of whiskey, rests beside me as I stare up at the ceiling from where I lay sprawled on the stairs. _I think… the spider webs are thicker. They have to be… or the spiders died?_ I squint, but my eyes are not particularly capable of focusing at this point.

I hear my door swing open, but I don't bother to move, I'm too drunk.

"What did you throw out the window this time Broody?" Varric's voice sounds out from a few feet below me on the stairs. "Must have been big to bust out your whole window. I saw it as I walked past and had to ask. Whatever it was is gone now, there wasn't any sign of anything in the street. Aside from glass that is."

 _The window? I didn't… oh yeah._ Trying in vain to raise my head, I manage, "Pirate."

The dwarf skirts me and takes a seat on the step above me. "You threw a pirate out the window?" He raises his eyebrows.

I shake my head. "In… window."

"So, what I'm getting is, you threw a pirate in through the window." Humor fills his voice.

I wrinkle my face. _Not getting it…_ I cup my hands in front of my chest, indicating big boobs.

"Oh! Isabela broke in, huh?" Varric laughs. "Can't say I'm surprised there. She did look pretty irate the last time a saw her."

I nod. "Indeed."

"Did she yell at you over what happened with Hawke?" Varric crosses his arms.

I grimace and cover my face with my hands. _Hawke…_ My shoulders begin to tremble as I fight to push away thoughts of what I've subjected her to.

Varric sighs. "Shit. You're worse off than she is… So much for adding to Isabela's reprimand."

Moving further from the dwarf, I roll onto my side and face away from him.

"Look, I realize that you probably aren't listening to me. And you most likely won't remember anything I say to you. But, this will get better." He exhales, clearly not wanting to say these things, and runs a hand along Bianca. "You're not the only one who gave up the one you love. It hurts like nothing else, but when you see that they're better off, it's worth it. Besides, we can always hope it'll eventually work out. Hell, even if it doesn't, that hope and those days when it did will keep you going." Varric stands to his feet and climbs down the stairs. "I'll leave you to what you were doing." He pulls open the door and pauses again. "And don't drink yourself to death. If you do, it'll kill her, and things will never improve for you."

Those words do a fair job of sobering me up. _He's… probably right…_ When the dwarf is gone, I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and uncover my face as a single tear slides down my cheek.


	27. Impetuous Efflorescence

**I had a lot of fun with this one! Maker knows we needed it... Enjoy!**

* * *

(7) Solace 2nd

When I hear the sound of the horn, I know I have to go. I haven't seen Hawke in around a week. It has been strange; I am surprised to hear her calling me for some mission. As I put my sword on my back, my stomach twists into uncomfortable knots. It isn't that I don't want to see her, I very much do, I'm just afraid that I will say something to make things worse. _Seeing her is going to be difficult. It is surprising that she wishes for me to join them so soon. This must be something important… Or Aveline is busy._ Before I put my second gauntlet on, I untie the red ribbon from my wrist. I slide my hand into the armor and fasten the ribbon back on, making sure it is clearly visible. Since I received this favor from Hawke, it has not left my sight. It might be foolish to wear it in a way that allows her to see it, but I can't help wanting her to know I cherish it.

As I make my way through the Hightown market, I pause in front of a merchant. _I wonder if it's finished._ I walk over to the stand, and the smith greets me warmly. "Is it done?"

The man nods and produces a finely crafted miniature crest, that of Hawke's family, exactly as I had commissioned from him. "Fine work." I set the payment on the counter, take the crest from him, and fasten it to a side pouch on my belt. The man thanks me for my business as I walk away.

The closer to the Hanged Man I get, the more nervous I become. My palms begin to sweat and tingle. _This is a mistake. I shouldn't be wearing the ribbon and crest. I'm going to look like the fool I am._ Still, I steel myself and enter the establishment. There she stands, just inside the door, with Anders, Varric, and Isabela. My stomach seems to drop to my feet. _She looks well. Almost like nothing has changed, that's good._ I put my usual harsh mask in place and walk over to them. _This is not going to pleasant._

Varric looks up at me first. "Broody! Glad you could make it. We're just about to head off to the Wounded Coast."

"Yes, we're glad." Hawke smiles at me, but the corner of her mouth falters, and I can tell she's unsure of how to behave. _That makes both of us._

"I will always be here when needed." I state curtly to the group. _Do I talk to her individually? Is that better or worse?_

Anders sneers. "Doubtful. Oh, I suppose that only applies to combat?"

 _I will literally cut your head off mage._ I exhale slowly. _But, I'll let it slide this time because I deserve it._

"Leave the boy alone." Isabela winks at me. "He's complicated. It works for _him_."

 _Ah yes, Isabela will fight my battles for me. Perfect._ I continue to remain silent, not wanting to push my luck. _I'm just thankful Hawke is allowing me near her._

"All I'm saying, is that some of us are actually loyal and aren't a waste of time." An arrogant look on his face, Anders leans his weight on his staff.

 _I hope it snaps and impales him._

Hawke's face reddens, and she turns to Anders.

"Speaking of wastes of time!" Varric cuts in, stepping in front of Hawke. "We can't stay here forever, right?"

Shaking her head, Hawke steps towards the door. "You know what? None of this crap matters anymore anyway." She presses a hand to her forehead. "Forget it. Just… Everyone go home. Isabela and I can handle it."

My face remains expressionless. _This was short lived. I… don't know what I expected. This would have gone so much better if Anders wasn't here!_

"Hawke, we want to help you out. We can set aside our differences, just like we always do." Varric stops her with a gentle hand on her lower back.

The raven-haired mage appraises us skeptically. We all nod an agreement. "Alright fine. Isabela, stand between those two." She gestures towards Anders and I.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

"Gladly! I'll be a Fen-ders sandwich any day." Isabela laughs.

Cutting my eyes at her, "Never say that again."

Blood rushes to Anders' cheeks, and he appears more flustered than furious.

Hawke snorts and then covers her face, giggling. "Fen-ders."

"What? I'm hilarious." Isabela grins. "And we're all getting along again!"

 _That isn't what I would call this._ _But whatever gets me a bit more time with Hawke._

"Oh look, the door!" Anders spouts, pulling it open.

"Excellent observation Blondie." Varric snarks.

We all follow him out of the tavern and begin making our way to the Wounded Coast. Hawke and Varric lead, side by side. Isabela does as she was asked and remains between the abomination and myself. The way her eyes keep stealing glances at both of us, I can tell she's still on about the sandwich thing.

After a while, Isabela breaks the silence, "So, Anders, did you ever check into those kittens Merrill told you about?"

Anders perks up. "Yes actually. Alas, they didn't have any tabbies so I didn't get one. Why? Do you know of another litter?"

"No. I just thought having one might help you not be so lonely at night. You're not getting any pussy any other way." Isabela shrugs, clearly pleased with herself.

 _Is she doing this for my benefit? Regardless, I appreciate it._

Scowling at her, Anders asks, "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" The pirate feigns innocence.

"Start conversations just so that you can be mean to people!"

Flashing him a mischievous expression, she answers, "Because it's fun."

Anders grumbles. "I hate so much about the things you choose to be."

Pretending to contemplate her life choices, Isabela places a finger to her chin. "Huh. Funny, I don't give a shit, and I can still get in your pants if I want to."

At this I snicker. Surprised, Hawke looks back at me. When her eyes meet mine, the sound is cut off, and I avert my eyes. Hawke quickly returns her attention to the road ahead of her.

 _Kaffas. I'm worse at this than the usual interactions. How am I supposed to treat her?_

"Don't make that tortured face. You left her." Anders chastises me, his expression angry.

 _I swear—_

My thought is interrupted as Hawke stops abruptly, causing the three of us to stumble into her. She spins on her heel and slams her palm into Anders' jaw. He reels backwards, gripping his face. "Don't make that pained face. You made me hit you." Hawke crosses her arms, daring him to try her.

I stare at her wide eyed and dumbfounded. _Her spark certainly still remains. That's good._

Varric sighs. "Hawke, not that I disapprove of this, I definitely do not, but what did you bring us out here to do? What was the mission?"

After a second of twisting her lips, Hawke replies, "We're finding a flower."

My eyebrows knit together. _A… flower?_

Shaking her head, Isabela holds her hands out to her sides. "Love, is this a nonsense job just so you can spend time with us? We do like seeing you in the Hanged Man, you know, for pleasure."

"It isn't a nonsense job!" Hawke huffs. "Sure, it's not one of our most glamorous, but I told that guy I would get him a whole bunch herb stuff, and I plan to do just that."

 _Could she have wanted to see_ me _? That's preposterous._ I let go of the thought. "What does the flower look like?" _We're already here, may as well get it now._

Briefly, Hawke smiles at me, then her attention returns to the group. "He said it was… red flower, blue thorns? Or… White flower, red center? Possibly, red flower, while center." She wrings her hands nervously. "I don't know! I would know it if I picked it up, I think…"

 _So, she really did arrange this for nothing. Or because she just wanted to do something with us. Perhaps she wished to speak with me and didn't want to do it alone. She knew I wouldn't accept an invitation to the Hanged Man. Hmm..._

"Seriously Hawke?" Isabela strokes the side of Hawke's face. "You kill me."

"Well, great. Let's go back." Anders mumbles and turns to walk back the way we came.

Hawke makes an exasperated sound as she pulls out her journal. "Flames. I could have sworn that I wrote down what it looked like…" She runs her finger across the page. "Nope. Just wrote flower. Darn it. Okay, sorry guys." She frowns.

"Wait." Varric says, stopping Anders. "This does remind me of something that I have to do. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't get the lot of you to help me with it since we're together."

Eager, Hawke gives the dwarf her full attention. "What is it?"

"All this talk reminded me that a friend of mine wanted me to fetch the roots from a certain plant that resides in the Viscount's garden." Varric chuckles.

 _Ah yes, what would make up for one failed flower finding fiasco? A second one, naturally._

"You want us to rob the Viscount?" Isabela grins devilishly. "I'm in."

"I mean, Aveline doesn't have to know. Sure, let's do it." Hawke happily gazes at Varric, the way she usually does.

 _I almost wish he was interested in her. If anyone would take care of Hawke, it would be Varric._

Isabela cocks her head at me. "Boys?"

 _What else do I have to do?_ I nod.

Anders dramatically rolls his eyes. "Do we know what this plant looks like?"

 _He's such a snob. If anyone else had asked that question, it would have been fine but when he does it, I just want to hit him. I always want to hit him._

Pulling a piece of parchment from the inside pocket of his coat, Varric gives Anders a dirty look. "Surprisingly, not all of us are scatter brains." He winks at Hawke and unfolds the paper to reveal a drawing of a large purple plant that resembles both a flower and a cabbage. "Is this to your satisfaction, Blondie?"

"Yes. Very well, I'll go." Anders straightens up slightly.

"It's settled, then! Varric, lead the way." Hawke puts forth.

"Yes ma'am!" Varric takes the lead. Anders and Isabela move in step beside him and Hawke falls back to walk beside me, a bit behind the rest.

Iswallow. _Keep it together. No matter what she says._

"Fenris?" Hawke turns her eyes to me, they are difficult to read.

"Yes, my friend?" I return her gaze. _My friend? Why did I say that?_

Her nose crinkles with humor and she shakes her head. "I just…" She takes a breath and then smiles radiantly at me. "That crest looks really well made, I might have to get one. Is it direct from Orzammar?"

Varric looks over his shoulder at her with a mixed expression of disgust and confusion before returning his eyes to the road ahead.

"No. A smith in Hightown." I tell her.

"Nice. Also, I like your ribbon." Hawke says, her voice filled with joy.

"Thank you. I'm partial to the ribbon myself." I give her a slight smile. _That was unexpected, it went much better than anticipated. I will never understand Hawke. Maybe that's a good thing._

We walk the rest of the way back to Kirkwall in silence, side by side. The others chat along the way, but we are content to stay out of it. Once back in Hightown, we huddle up to devise a plan.

"So, we can't just walk in there and rip one of the man's plants out of the ground. Varric, do you have any ideas?" Hawke asks.

Isabela chimes in, "I could seduce him into taking me on a romantic walk in the garden and then knock him out."

"While I appreciate your enthusiasm Rivaini, no." Varric chuckles. "You can however, attempt to climb the wall and get in that way."

"That works, breaking and entering is my second-best skill." The pirate shimmy's her shoulders.

"No breaking! Entering only!" Anders adamantly tells her.

Isabela narrow her eyes at him. "That's what she said."

Hawke covers her mouth to avoid snickering. "Good one. But really, don't break anything."

"We don't want to them to know anything happened." Varric claps his hands. "Broody will go with you to help you up the wall, he's the strongest."

 _That's fine, I am._

"Just what are you implying about my weight, Varric?" Isabela raises an eyebrow.

Hawke adds, "Yeah, she can't weigh that much. Half of her is boobs."

Varric presses his palm to his forehead. "I'm implying that he could throw you over the wall if necessary. The point is, he's strong, not you're fat." He hands Isabela the drawing, and she promptly tucks it into her cleavage. "Don't lose that."

"Not planning on it."

"Blondie, Hawke, and I will provide diversions. Hawke, you'll go talk to the Viscount himself, he always has something to gripe to you about. Blondie, you can go to the back entrance and distract the guards while I do the same at the front. We clear?" Varric surveys us.

"Crystal!" Hawke tells him. "The Viscount has been trying to get me in his office for at least a month now anyway."

The rest of us nod and split up so as to not enter in our usual conspicuous herd. Isabela and I hold back until the other three have taken their places. Once it appears to be clear, we sneak around the building and duck under the bushes to get flush against the stucco wall. _Great, no getting out of picking her up._ Isabela holds out crossed fingers as I lift her up by the waist and hoist her half way up the wall. She gives me a concerned look when she can't reach the top or find purchase to climb herself. _Not a problem._ I slide one of my hands down to her feet and lift her up over my head. Isabela mouths 'What the heck?!' and then grabs the top edge of the wall and pulls herself up to sit on it. The second she does this, voices call out inside the garden.

Her eyes widen and snap to me. "Nope!" Then she swings her legs back over and hangs by her fingertips. _Fasta vass!_ Standing on my tiptoes, I support her weight at an ankle and thigh. She lets go, I lower her to the ground, and we sprint back towards Lowtown. Even when there clearly isn't anyone following us, we dash down thin alleyways until we reach the Hanged Man. We quickly enter and scurry over to a table in the back.

When we sit at the table gasping for breath, Isabela and I make eye contact and she bursts into laugher, slapping her knee. "We ran out of there faster than Anders in a Chantry full of templars!"

At this, I laugh and lean back in my chair, my heart still beating extremely fast. "I've always managed to get myself into these kinds of situations since I've been with this group." I shake my head.

"But isn't it better?" Isabela asks. She's jovial, but I can tell she's serious. "Messy or not, what we all have together is a life. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't take back my time with Hawke for all the treasure in the world. Don't tell her I said that."

I blink, stunned. _She's right. I… I do have a life here. I expected it come with some drastic self-change, but no. This has just happened without my noticing. I have a life here. I would…. I would be missed if I died._ I look Isabela and nod. "I wouldn't trade it for anything either."

Isabela beams, proud of herself. She rises and fetches us some drinks.

"Thanks." I take the bottle of wine from her.

"You're welcome. I know you don't need a glass." She smirks.

A few minutes later, Hawke, Anders, and Varric walk in and make their way over to us.

Hawke sighs and wipes her face. "Qunari this… Qunari that… Politics… My new status… Blah. I knew there was a reason I hadn't gone to see that guy."

"The guards were nice enough." Anders shrugs.

 _Slut._

"Sorry we couldn't do it Varric. I was spotted immediately!" Isabela drops her hands on the table.

Varric waves her away. "It's not your fault. We didn't know there would be guards inside."

"My friends!" Merrill's voice calls out from the entrance of the tavern as she runs over to us. "What did you all do today?"

Hawke turns to her. "We tried to steal a plant from the Viscount, but it did not go so well."

"On the bright side, I found out that Fenris can hold me over his head with one hand. It's freaking awesome." Isabela points her thumb at me. "I have a list of things I'd like to use him for. None of which I could finishing saying before he would leave."

"Oh! I have plants from the Viscount's garden. It's so lovely!" Merrill sets a large satchel on the table and opens it. "Have a look. I was there this morning. I don't see why you couldn't get anything, I just walk in all the time. The guards always do look a bit cross though…"

 _She what?_ We all stare at her disbelievingly.

Varric begins to sift through the contents of the bag.

"You just… walk in?" Anders holds out a limp wristed hand with incredulity.

"Sure! I've been lots of times." Merrill beams.

"This is it!" Varric pulls out a plant just like the one from the picture. "Andraste's tits, Daisy! This is great!"

Merrill bounces excitedly. "Yay! You can have it!"

Varric shake his head unbelievingly. "She's going to be ecstatic."

Hawke's head jerks towards him. "Did you say she?! Who is this for Varric?"

"Just some girl, Helga, don't freak out." Varric rolls his eyes.

Hawke squints at him. "How about I walk this plant to your room and you tell me more about this so called 'Helga.'"

"Alright Hawke." Varric snickers. They both rise and I watch as they ascend the stairs. When they reach the top, he whispers something in her ear, and her jaw falls open.

 _Hmm… I wonder who she is._ Once they are out of sight, I stand up.

"Where are you going Fenris?" Merrill asks. "I just got here!"

"Don't you want to stay and walk Hawke home?" Isabela leans towards me.

 _That isn't a good idea. I still have to stay away from her if she's ever going to move on._ "No. I'm going home. Tell her… that I was glad to help." Without further delay, I exit the Hanged Man and head home.


	28. Warranted Fracas

**So sorry my post schedule is all messed up. I'm attending two colleges at the same time and losing my mind! 'Tis all good though, I am still devoted to this fanfic! I will go down with this ship! Enjoy!**

* * *

(7) Solace 4th

Hawke, Aveline, and I locate the entrance to the Gallows Dungeon. We're here following a potential lead from Anders about a conspiracy that the templars are trying to make all the mages in Thedas tranquil. We snuck here without him, all agreeing that he would overreact and jeopardize the mission. _Anything to be rid of him. This entire thing is ridiculous; it would never pass for every mage to be made tranquil. Even if it made sense._ Hawke throws back the wooden door that covers the ladder down into the underground.

"Are we ready to go down and check it out?" Anders asks, suddenly right behind me.

 _Venhedis!_ Startled, I leap to the side, colliding with Aveline. She lets out a little scream and bumps Hawke, who falls down the ladder, landing flat on her face.

The three of us gasp and crowd around the hole, peering down at Hawke. Aveline presses her hands to her cheeks. "Hawke! I'm sorry! Are you alright?"

The prostrate mage slowly rolls over and blinks a couple of times, blood dripping from her nose.

 _She's hurt!_ I jump down and help her sit up. "Is anything broken?" I realize my hand is on her back and quickly straighten up. _I hope she doesn't think I over stepped my bounds. It was a reflex, I had to make sure was alright. Any of the others would have done the same._

Hawke holds up one finger and then snaps her nose back into place. She wipes the blood from her nostrils, looks at it for a second, and then swipes it across the bridge of her nose. "I'm fine." She offers a fake toothy smile.

"Marian Hawke, that's disgusting." Aveline looks away.

Hawke shrugs and clamors to her feet. "What? It is not. It's my blood… Mom…"

 _It's a little disgusting._

Climbing down the ladder, Anders says, "Here, let me heal you. I feel as if I might be partially responsible for this."

I look at him disbelievingly. "Partially?!" _If he hadn't been creepily following us this would not have happened!_

Hawke rolls her eyes. "Thanks, I appreciate it. And yes, we're ready to go down there and investigate for you. We were just about to scope it out and then come get you."

Anders passes a glowing hand in front of Hawke's nose. "Excellent! Let's not waste any more time."

 _He bought that without hesitation. Can we lie to him more often?_ I smirk.

We nod, Aveline climbs down to joins us, and we make our way through the tunnel. Before we have made much progress, we're jumped by a group consisting of four men and one woman. Two of them shove Hawke against the wall; one throws his arm around Aveline's neck from behind and puts her in a triangle choke; the last man charges me, I faze though him, dropping his intestines on the ground; the woman throws a knife, lodging it in Anders' shoulder. Hawke slams her assailants against the wall beside her with a blast of force magic, one is knocked out cold, the other recovers and grabs her by the hair. With a smirk, Hawke slams her staff under his chin and lights him on fire. Aveline slams her elbow into the gut of the man choking her and flips him over her shoulder. When he hits the ground, she stabs her sword straight though his heart. Anders pulls the knife out and sends it flying back towards the woman in flurry of lightning bolts. It strikes her cleanly in the stomach and her body convulses wildly before dropping to the ground, fried. Not giving the man a change to regain coherence, Hawke stomps the last living foe on the throat.

"Well, we're off to a good start." Hawke chuckles.

I nod. "I'm warmed up now."

"They were lyrium smugglers. That's what these tunnels are for, keeping the templars supplied with their drug." Anders curls his lip with distaste.

"That's unsurprising." Aveline frowns.

 _Wouldn't it be too much to ask to have any power without corruption._

"I just hope we find the evidence we need down here. I can't… I can't stand the unfairness of all this." Anders clenches his fists. "We should be allowed to live like everyone else. My clinic does good work for everyone who can't afford assistance, not just mages. Magic is beneficial to society. If we could just be treated like the people we are and not weapons of mass destruction then we could prove that."

 _I think Tevinter demonstrates exactly what happens when that much power goes unchecked._ I hold my tongue, knowing that any argument with Anders is fruitless and that Hawke does happen to be a mage. _I've been convinced that not every mage is the same, but I've witnessed firsthand both the seductive powers of the Fade and the cruelty of a magister. No matter the intentions of the mages, demons and fear are far stronger than most's willpower. When I myself fell prey to them, I can never deny the need for the Circles to teach self-control and management of the Fade. Disagreements aside, I suppose I can almost admire his dedication to his cause. He is… persistent._

Hawke rolls her neck, popping it. "If only so many hadn't already proved that we can be liabilities." Her voice is stilted, as if she is only replying to him out of obligation.

"I won't deny that things aren't executed in a… proper, palatable manner, but I can't think of an immediate solution. Change isn't as easy to come by as you might wish it to be, Anders." Aveline sighs.

 _That's an understatement. Well, change for the better isn't easy to come by anyway._

Anders looks pointedly at the guard captain. "It might be more immediate than you think. I've written manuscripts that you can have a look at. Have you read my manifesto yet?"

 _It's a good day to not be able to read._ I almost make myself laugh, but stifle the sound into a cough. _Amusing myself, Hawke must be rubbing off on me._

"I'll have to get back with you on that." Aveline responds.

We continue on our way until we reach a clearing in which some templars have cornered a terrified young female mage.

"No! Please, I haven't done anything wrong!" The mage screams shielding her face and pressing herself against the stone wall.

A bald templar with a beard clucks his tongue. "That's a lie. What do we do to mages who lie?"

"I just wanted to see my mom! No one ever told her where they were taking me!" The young lady tears up.

Anders' eyes glow as Justice fights for control of his body. "No. No. This is their place. We cannot…"

I look at him intensely. "Hold yourself together." _The last thing we need is to deal with his demon right now. We don't even know for sure what's going on._

Shaking his head, Anders quells Justice and returns to himself.

The patronizing templar moves closer to the girl. "So, you admit to your attempted escape? You know what happens to mage girls who don't toe the line around here, don't you?"

I put my hand on my sword. _This man is clearly not referring to any actual law._

The young mage falls to her knees, pleading, "Please, no! Don't make me tranquil! I'll do anything!" She bursts into tears.

Chuckling, the templar looks down at her with a wolfish expression. "That's right. Once you're tranquil you'll do anything I ask."

 _He's planning to use her for his slave!_ "You bastard!" I snarl, drawing my blade.

Hawke slams her staff on the ground, furious. "Step away! She won't be doing anything for you!"

Justice consumes Anders and his voice booms, "You fiends will never touch a mage again! They will die! I will have every last templar for these abuses!"

I charge towards the nearest of the three templars and strike the armor at his side with my sword. He stumbles, swinging his blade at me. I parry and crash the hilt of my sword into his face, cracking his cheek bone. The templar shoves towards me with his shield but I rear back and kick the center of it, sending him flying away from me. As he reels, stunned, I leap into the air and swing my sword downwards, lodging it solidly in the top of his skull. Pulling my weapon straight back, the templar drops without so much as another twitch. When I turn around, both the other foes are dead but the possessed Anders is bent over the bald man wailing on the corpse with his fists.

"ANDERS! Stop! They're dead! It's over!" Hawke shrieks.

Leaping to his feet, Anders rounds on her. "Every one of them will feel justice's burn!"

I grip my sword tightly. _Don't even think of turning on us!_

The young mage screams and covers her face. "Get away from me, demon!"

Balling his hands into fists Anders rushes the girl, getting in her face. "I am no demon! Are you one of them, that you would call me such?!"

"Anders! NO!" Hawke runs in front of the girl, holding out her arms protectively. "Anders, you're out of control! Cut this out! She's a mage, what you're fighting to protect!"

"I will have my vengeance!" Anders bellows. He grabs Hawke by the wrist and slings her to the ground.

I rush to Hawke's side and pull her away from him. "Vishante kaffas, abomination!" I spit.

"No! Please, messere—" The young woman's words are cut off as Anders strikes her with a bolt of lightning and plunges his staff through her abdomen. She coughs and then falls, her eyes hollow.

 _NO!_

The glow of Justice dispels and Anders' eyes return. He collapses to the ground beside the girl. "No… Oh, Maker, please… Forgive me." He looks around, distraught. "I… I have to go…"

 _Irredeemable._ I seethe with fury. _To think, I took the time to ponder his side of this! He's a monster. Just like I always knew he was._

Hawke pulls away from me and puts her hand on his shoulder. "Anders… It's… It's alright, you didn't do it. Justice did."

 _She's taking his side?!_

Anders shrugs her away and takes off running, fleeing through the tunnels.

Beginning to pace, Aveline buries her hands in her hair. "Oh… no, no, no… I think I'm going to be sick…" Her breaths begin to quicken.

I stand and close the distance between Hawke and myself. "It's alright?!" I snap at her. "What do you mean 'It's alright?!' That monster just murdered an innocent girl! She was barely more than a child!"

"Fenris, what was I supposed to say?! Huh?! Yes, it's horrible, but he wasn't himself! Anders didn't kill her!" Hawke's face reddens with anger.

"Anders doesn't exist anymore! He was dead long before you ever met him! That _thing_ is nothing but hate! Your 'friend' is a vengeance demon! He tossed you aside without the slightest regard; he could have killed you!" I sling my hands to the sides. _And then what would I have done?! What would any of us do?!_

Hawke inhales sharply. "No. He's still my friend! He just needs help! There has to be a way to fix him, he's still in there!"

"There's no fixing an abomination! Hawke, he chose this! You act like he's a victim!" I dig the claws of my gauntlets into my palms. _Why won't she understand?!_

"He _is_ the victim! He had to watch his hands kill that girl without his permission, he was powerless!" Hawke roars. "We don't just give up on people! We can't!"

"SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!" Aveline cries, shoving us apart. "You can be at each other's throats when this child is with her mother for burial."

Turning away, Hawke replies, "You're right… Aveline, let's go. Help me carry her." She looks over her shoulder at me. "I just… I can't with you right now… I tried to be okay but… You know what, just go. We have this covered."

"Hawke—" I begin. _I'm trying to help you! This is ridiculous!_

"No." She sets her jaw.

I turn and disappear down the tunnel back to Darktown. _Why is she so stubborn?! I just want to protect her from him! This is nonsense! She's going to go back to him and get herself killed! Then what?! What will be left? There's no point without her… And now she doesn't understand… Yet again, I have destroyed things in trying to help! Why did I ever have to fall in love with her?! Why am I so stupid?!_ I lash out and punch the cave wall. _Now she really won't ever want to see me again… Maker, please protect her from that monster. There's nothing more I can do for her. Or us._

* * *

(7) Solace 5th

I thrash in my bed, the blanket discarded on the floor, an unnecessary nuisance to my sweat soaked form. Instead of dreams, my sleep causes me to relive that night spent with Hawke. Her fingers digging into my shoulders, her legs locked around my hips, as she fought desperately to stifle her delighted screams. There was no chance anyone in her house wasn't aware of what was taking place, and I couldn't have cared less. She was finally mine, and I was gladly hers. The contact that I had once feared and despised became a need that could not be sated. I kissed her over and over, held her tightly to me. She ran her hands down my body, arched her back. We guided each other, figuring it out as we went along. Hawke never demanded anything from me, grateful for what she received. I can feel her beneath me, just as if it really was that night once more. She had been so understanding and patient when I had been uncertain and allowed me all the time I needed, with sweet whispers and kisses pressed to my cheek and jaw. That night had been the best night of my life, and that morning the worst. I awake from the dream before I can change the ending and stay with her.

Shaking my head, I jump out of bed and begin to pace. I long to go her, recreate that night, and promise to never abandon her again. But I know that isn't an option. _Even if I wasn't afraid of my memories returning again, she's furious with me and wouldn't take me back. I'm not sorry for the opinion I expressed earlier. I just wish I could have presented it with less venom and made her understand my concern. The same thing that has driven her to stay by my side and not give up on me has now made her blind to the danger Anders presents. I admire her loyalty and care so much… Kaffas! Why does he have to take advantage of it?! She would spend her last breath trying to redeem him as he took it from her!_ I slow my steps and run my fingers through my hair, suddenly tired. Not needing more sleep, just mentally fatigued. Returning to the edge of the bed, I perch on it and put my head in my hands. _She's never going to move on either… is she?_ I exhale slowly. _Hawke would grow old waiting for me to return to her rather than give up on me. It's both comforting and infuriating. Her faithfulness and honesty is what made me trust her enough to fall in love with her. Yet, it also makes her very self-destructive. Her most attractive strength might end up being the weakness that kills her. I can't let that happen… When she allows me back into her life, I have to be there every chance I get. Even if I can't be there romantically, I have to try to protect her. She needs me just as much as I need her._ This thought takes me aback. I blink and turn it over again and again in my mind. _It… it's true. I have a chance at taking a place in her life in which I wouldn't be a detriment to her. Perhaps I was wrong; I might belong at Hawke's side after all._ I sit up straight. _Now, I just have to earn back the right to be there._


	29. Unheralded Bereavement

**The game didn't offer nearly enough dialogue during this part for me; so I had to do something about that and make it better. I hope you like what I did with it!**

* * *

Just as anticipated, Hawke hasn't called on me, hasn't visited. Days and weeks pass. I've seen Varric and Isabela a couple of times for drinks at the Hanged Man. They assured me that Hawke was doing well and that I shouldn't worry. It hasn't stopped me from worrying. Aveline has stopped by a half dozen times to train with me, testing out new moves before suggesting them to her guards. I haven't asked, and she hasn't mentioned it, but I can tell she's happy with Donnic. It's good that he's treating her right; it would be a shame to have to kill him. One day, Merrill wandered in, very proud of herself for finding my mansion, and prattled on about how much she missed me. She's convinced that Hawke still loves me and only doesn't want to see me because it's painful to not be with me. I'm not convinced. It's more likely that she's still angry and is enjoying the separation. Thankfully, I haven't had to lay eyes on Anders; although if I had, Kirkwall might have been down one abomination.

When Isabela stops by to inform me that we have a new team member, my concerns are only magnified as I wonder what baggage he brings for Hawke to overlook. Isabela said his name was Sebastian, the prince of Starkhaven whose family had recently been murdered, and that "He's sexy but the Chantry made him its bitch." He certainly seems to have the potential to give Hawke a few more problems than she needs. As if she didn't already have enough.

I do alright for myself without Hawke. Still, I'm anxious not being with her. It's the not knowing what dangers she's putting herself in daily that is the most difficult. I just wish I could be there. Even if she wasn't speaking to me, I would be happy being at her side to ensure her safety. But that is an empty fantasy. She still doesn't call on me.

* * *

(8) August 20th

When a knock on my door rouses me from my sleep in the still dark hours of the morning, I know something is wrong. Somehow, I had known all night. Sleep was fitful and fleeting. There had been a knot of unease in my stomach since just before the sun set. I spring out of my bed and hurry to the door, not bothering with my tunic or sword. _Hawke. Something's happened._ I hold my breath as I rip the door open. Pale faced, Varric steps inside.

"What happened? Where is she?" I demand, breaking into a cold sweat. _Maker, let her be alright._

The dwarf bites one of his knuckles before speaking, clearly broken up. "Hawke's home… but it… damn! It's not good Fenris." His eyes linger on the floor.

I place a hand on his shoulder, making him look at me. "Varric. What is it?"

"It's Leandra… Shit…" Varric clenches his fists.

 _Hawke's mother? She would have been the last person I would have expected something to happen to._ "Is she ill? What is going on?"

"No. Fenris, she's gone." He pulls away from my hand.

 _Gone?! Oh, Hawke… How could this be? She was fine! Of all things… Hawke did not need this!_ I take a moment, attempting to pull my thoughts together. "How did it happen?" I ask eventually.

"I've seen a lot of things, but this was by far the worst. A blood mage bastard kidnapped her. Stitched her head on a pieced together body to be his bride. Supposedly she looked like someone… We killed him and… she died in Hawke's arms as his spell dissipated." Hawke's best friend rubs his brow.

I step past Varric and punch straight through the door. _Fasta vass! Maleficar! Of all the… I would watch every last one of them burn for the horror they have caused! Was it not enough for them to steal my memories and tarnish everything I am?! Must they now rob Hawke of something so dear to her?! Vishante kaffas!_ I turn back to him, returning to calm façade. "Thank you for letting me know. You should be with her right now. She needs you." I shove open the busted door. _She shouldn't be alone right now. I've already kept him here too long._

Varric shakes his head. "You should be the one to do it. She needs you a heck of a lot more right now."

I lower my eyes. "No. I would just make it worse. She'd never want me there." _The last thing Hawke needs is more confusion or anger right now. If I went to her it might worsen the situation._ I clench my bare fists. _I wish I could have ripped that maleficar's heart out and shoved it down his throat! Why the fuck couldn't I have been there for them?! If I had only known she was missing… Maker, have mercy on Leandra's soul. To be kept alive like that, completely at the mercy of your murderer… A death worse than that of a slave given one too many lashings._

Unexpectedly, the dwarf punches me on the arm. "This isn't about you! Hawke just lost the only family member she believed still loved her! If you have ever cared about her at all, get your ass over there! Nothing anyone could say would amount to what you going to her would do. She needs to know she still has someone who truly loves her."

 _Of course._ Straightening up, I give him a curt nod. _He's right. I'm so stupid. She deserves to know that no argument would cause me to stop caring about her._

I run to Hawke's estate, not hesitating.

When I reach the door, Aveline stands just outside, her cheeks streaked with tears. She starts when she first sees me. "Fenris! I'm glad you're here." She sniffles. "I was trying to compose myself before I went in… I can't seem to… Anyway, it would be better if you stayed with her tonight…"

Seeing Aveline standing here, wrecked with worry and pain for Hawke, tears down something inside me. Before I have a chance to think about it, I pull her into a hug, squeezing her tightly before turning her loose. I look seriously into her eyes. "Thank you for being here for her." _Kirkwall could do with more like her._

Aveline nods in response, her tears coming faster, with a kind smile on her face. "She was right about you. You're a good one."

Taken aback, I nod to her. Then I open the estate's door, stride past Bohdan, and climb the stairs. I throw out every ounce of doubt and uncertainty that being here brings as I slowly enter Hawke's room. _Even if she sends me away, I have to try. She would do this for me._

She lies on her side on top of the covers, her face pressed into her pillow. "Not now Orana." Her voice is airy and broken.

Taking in a deep breath, I move closer to the bed. _Please don't make this worse._ "I… don't know what to say, but I am here."

Hawke shifts her face out of the pillow slightly to look at me. "Fenris? You heard about…" Her words are cut off as her chest heaves with sobs, and she draws herself tightly into a ball.

 _Poor thing. Ugh, this is awful._ The fury that boils inside tempts me to drop everything and hunt down every last blood mage in Kirkwall. Yet, I know my place is here and that nothing can bring Leandra back. With some effort, I take a seat on the edge of Hawke's bed, next to her feet. "I'm here for you."

Her shoulders shake, and she bunches the blanket up in her hands. I hear soft whimpers leaving her mouth as she fights for steady breathing.

Uncertain of how to help, I simply rest my hand on her side and gently move it back and forth to comfort her. _I can't picture losing someone like that… I've never known anyone my whole life. She's in unimaginable pain. This should never have happened. If the Templars had done their job! If they had any brains in their heads at all—_ I exhale. _Then… Hawke would be in the Circle, and all the lives she's saved would have been lost. Fasta vass! There will never be an answer!_

"Oh, Maker… It's going to kill Carver." She squeezes her eyes shut. "He'll say he blames me, but…" She gasps for air. "He'll take the pain on himself. He'll think it's because he wasn't here…"

"It wasn't anyone's fault. Except for the son of a bitch that did it. I think Carver will be able to see that." I tell her, uncertain if I believe the words, but knowing there is nothing better to say.

Hawke sighs and sits up, her hair stuck to her face in the trails of her tears. "You don't have to say that." Her voice is weak. "I can't… Would you just hold me?"

 _I'm probably better at that than talking anyway._ I nod, sliding an arm under her legs and one around her waist. Scooping her up, I move to rest my back against the headboard and hold her against my chest. Only then did I realize I had never put my tunic on. She nestles her damp face against my neck and wraps her arms around me. Her legs are bent, and I keep her close with a hand on her shoulder and thigh. It doesn't matter that she's larger than I am, in this moment she's tiny and helpless. I'm here to hold her together.

I lean my cheek against the top of her head. _Varric was right. It's good that I'm here. She deserves this._ As Hawke's tears persist, I whisper kind things to her in Tevene. I know she can't understand the words, but they seem to calm her. _You're safe. I'll never let go of you. I love you. Don't be afraid._

After a long while, Hawke's shaking lessens. "You know… I thought Bethany's death would be the worst pain I would feel. I was wrong. This is just like losing her all over again, along with Mom… They were so similar. So kind. Why is it always the best people?"

I nod sympathetically, running my hand up and down her arm. _Death never seems to take the good and evil evenly. Maybe it does, and we can only see the injustices._

She lets out a long sigh. "I suppose they were too decent for this mess… Gamlin, Carver, and I are far more suited for life here."

 _Does she not see how much like them she is? She's the glue that's holding so many lives together. Including my own._

"But you know what's pitiful?" She wipes her face. "I just keep being relieved it wasn't you who died."

Shocked, my hand halts. _What? She wants me to live that much? I don't hold much value. Certainly not more than her mother._ "Hawke…" My words don't come to me.

"My mother was murdered, sewed into a monster, and then died in my arms. And what is my coping mechanism? Thinking, 'better her than Fenris. She's gotten to live a good full life.' How sick is that?! Yes, it's true, she did, and you should have that same chance at happiness, but I can't grasp how a part of me isn't destroyed by this! I feel disgusted with myself! I've let my affections for you rob my mother of the mourning she deserves!" Hawke buries her face in her hands.

"That isn't true." I look at her seriously and wait until she makes eyes contact with me. "Do you think Leandra would want you to be unable to go on without her? I imagine her last prayer was for you to rise up and be even stronger."

Hawke's eyes are wide and red; she doesn't attempt to argue with me just yet, so I continue. "I will never be an expert when it comes to emotions, but I've lived so long without them, I've realized a couple of things. One, just because you despise what your feeling, doesn't mean it's wrong. Two, having some _one_ to live for is what gives life its purpose… But that's just been my personal experience." _Was that alright to say?_ I look away.

She exhales and lays her head on my chest, nestled against me once more. "I'm sorry…" Fresh tears drip onto my skin. "You're right… she would be glad I have someone to turn to. To take care of me… now that she's gone." Sobs wrack her body, and she claps a hand over her horrified face. "She's gone… she's really gone." Her breaths turn rapid and shaky as she begins to panic.

"No." I steady her shoulders. "She's with the Maker now, but she will always be with you. None of us will ever forget her. She'll never really be gone."

Hawke's lip quivers and choked sounds leave her throat, but she nods. I move my hands to cradle each side of her face and lean my forehead against hers, closing my eyes. "She'll be glad to be with Bethany."

"And Father." Her breathing begins to even out and after a bit she manages, "Can this be the last time we go this long without speaking?"

Lifting my head, I pet her hair softly. "I'd like that." _Things would be easier if we could cease having fall outs._

She lightly hits her cheeks with her fingers, trying to snap out of her sorrow. "Please know that I was mad at myself and not you." She looks up into my eyes. "You're amazing, and I love you."

I shake my head. "I'm not. I caused so many problems for you, yelled at you, that wasn't acceptable. But… I do love you. More than anything." _I'm glad I told her before… It makes this a bit easier, and she should hear it. Especially now._

"Just this, you being here tonight, means everything to me." She presses a kiss lightly to my cheek and then puts her arms around me, closing her eyes. "Thank you. This is exactly what I need."

I hug her to my chest and kiss the top of her head. _How did I end up with someone so wonderful? As screwed up as everything has been, and still is, somehow I have ended up here again… I suppose that could be proof of the Maker._ I just hold her, enjoying the nearness and the rise and fall of her breaths.

When I think she's just about asleep, she fidgets and speaks quietly, not opening her eyes, "And I've never despised what I feel for you. It makes me stronger." Then she yawns and nods off.

A smile appears on my face. _I never thought I would have the privilege to hold her again. She will get through this and be okay. And we just might be too._


	30. Recalcitrant Emotions

**As I wrote this, with tears in my eyes, my sister kept sending me Nicolas Cage memes. They are surprisingly helpful. Enjoy!**

* * *

(8) August 21st

Hawke's movement wakes me the next morning; she stretches under the covers beside me and yawns. I pull my arm away from her shoulders as I blink my eyes until they focus. With Hawke pressed against my chest through the night, I slept better than I have in a long time.

She rolls over to face me, her expression pensive. Her fingers trail across my arm. "You're really here… So last night… It all actually happened."

I smooth her hair back away from her beautiful face. "I hate to say it, but yes." I frown. _Such terrible circumstances to rebuild a relationship. But worse ones to face alone._

"This is…" She scoots closer and lays her head on my shoulder. "There aren't any words for this." Her voice is plagued with sadness and defeat. "A piece of me is gone."

I press my cheek against the top of her head. "Or, you're a piece of her that remains."

She leans away and looks at me through the corners of her eyes. "I'm starting to not believe you about you not knowing what to say." Her mouth turns up into a slight smile. "You're doing really well."

"I'm glad you think so. I do not wish for you to suffer." I tell her.

"There's no way around that I'm afraid. But you certainly are helping." Hawke wraps an arm around me and pulls me into a hug. "I don't think I could have slept in this house by myself. It's wrong knowing that her room is just on the other side of that wall, but it's empty."

 _It does feel wrong._ I nod in agreement.

A polite knock comes from the door. "Hello? Hawke, may I come in?" Asks Merrill's voice.

I tense up at the disturbance. _Merrill… Well, it's nice of her to visit Hawke. At least it isn't Anders._

Hawke looks at me for permission. I mouth 'go ahead,' and she replies, "Hey there Merrill, come on in."

The maleficar enters the room, closing the door behind her. "I'm so sorry about what happened and that I wasn't there for you! Aveline told me last night but said that I should wait until now to visit you— Oh!" Merrill stops and straightens up when her eyes meet mine. "Fenris! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here. Wait, are you naked?" Her eyebrows shoot up.

I growl and toss the blanket off of me. "No. Pants on." _Daft woman._

"That's good. Well, not that it's good that you and Hawke hadn't… or maybe you did, but I only meant…" Merrill's stammering is cut off by Hawke beginning to giggle.

My beloved bends forward with laughter.

Merrill and I give her bewildered looks. _She really found that entertaining. I'm glad, it's good for her to laugh._ _Hmm…_ I turn my attention back to Merrill, intending to keep Hawke amused. I cross my arms. "Hadn't what, Merrill?" I ask in a falsely angry voice.

The blood mage begins to wring her hands. "Umm… you know… You do know, don't you? Of course you do. You did it at least once. Or that's what Isabela said anyway…"

Hawke clutches her sides from laughing so hard, joyful tears appearing in her eyes. Merrill looks between the two of us, face distressed and ears red. _I didn't think I would ever be glad to see Merrill, but this has gone extremely well._

After a few moments, Hawke takes a deep breath and wipes her eyes, smiling at us. "This is a perfect morning." She shakes her head still chuckling. "Yeah this is still going to suck, and it'll be awful sometimes, but now I realize everything else is going to remain the same. I have the best friends who have the best arguments. Everything is going to be alright."

I smile. _I'm so glad she feels that way. We do care about her, albeit in different ways._

Hawke climbs out of the bed and walks out the door, calling over her shoulder, "I'll be right back."

"Where's she going?" Merrill asks me.

I shrug, holding up my hands. _There is no telling with her._

After a few minutes of awkward silence and Merrill examining the bottoms of her feet, Hawke returns with two bottles of wine and a deck of cards. She grins, handing Merrill a bottle, and dragging her to the bed. "May as well do something fun, if I'm bored I'll start sobbing again. That wouldn't be good for anyone; I'm an ugly crier." It's clear that her energy is forced, but she plays it well. She and Merrill sit on top of the blanket cross legged, and she begins to deal out the cards.

I move my back against the headboard, gaining distance from Merrill. _This isn't exactly what I would call ideal… but if it's what Hawke needs, then… sure. Still better than Anders._ _I can make an exception for this, one time._ Exhaling to calm myself, I take the bottle from Merrill, uncork it with my teeth, and take a drink. _I could think of worse ways to spend the day._ I pick up my cards and take a look at them. _Not bad at all._

* * *

(8) August 21st

After the second bottle of wine is empty, as well as the third that Orana had brought up, and we have played every card game Hawke knows, she decides we should go to the Hanged Man.

"There's no reason for us to stay here and drink everything I own when there is a perfectly acceptable tavern reasonably close!" Hawke says, fairly tipsy. The only reason she isn't drunk is that Merrill lost the most hands and had to chug a significant amount, and I had to drink slightly more than her to tolerate her.

Still, I am mostly unimpaired. "Hawke, I really don't think we should go out. This has been… fun. But let's keep it here." _She shouldn't drink too much today. This has been plenty of action for one day for someone who went through what she has._

Merrill hangs off the edge of the bed next to me, her head just an inch from the ground. "I can feel all the blood going _whush_ to my hair. This is almost as good as jumping on the bed. Almost."

Hawke blinks at her but doesn't reply. "Come on, Fenris! I wanna see Varric and Isabela!" She crosses her arms and sticks out her bottom lip.

I press my fingers to the bridge of my nose, fighting off a mage induced headache. "Alright, I'll go get them and bring them back here. They can bring whatever they're drinking." _I have to get out of here, and she cannot leave. There is no telling what would happen if she did. This is my chance to protect her from herself, just like I decided I would._ I climb out of the bed, skirting Merrill who is twirling a piece of her hair into a knot. Moving to Hawke's side, I place a hand on her shoulder, "I'll be back soon. Perhaps you could set up somewhere downstairs to wait for us?" _I will actually die if I have to sit in this bed with anyone other than Hawke again._

Hawke nods.

Meeting her eyes, "Will you be alright?"

"I'm okay." Hawke smiles, but her eyes are unreadable and that concerns me.

Once outside the bedroom door, I close my eyes and sigh in relief. _I'm doing what I must. I knew taking care of her wouldn't always be easy._ I snort. _It just happened to start off with a challenge._ Straightening up, I march down the stairs and over to Bodahn. "Don't let them leave the house. I'll be back shortly. If they don't come down soon, encourage them to."

"Just so!" Bodahn readily agrees.

Orana runs over and gives a bow, looking at me expectantly. "Is there anything I do for you, master?"

"Never call me that!" I step back from her, appalled. _I will on no occasion be anyone's master!_

The elven girls face falls and she begins wringing her hands. "I am so sorry! Please excuse me for assuming…"

I hold out my hands. _Venhedis. Now I've upset someone else…_ "You're not in trouble. What did you assume?" I furrow my brow.

"I had believed that you would be taking over this house hold from mistress Leandra. I am terribly sorry to have offended you." Orana bows again.

"Orana." I wait until she looks up at me. _Poor girl. She still doesn't understand. I can't let her live a life of mock slavery because of that._ "You are no slave anymore. You work here, but you are not valued because of that. You should address me as Fenris. We are… friends, after all."

Her eyes widen and she smile broadly. "Friends! Oh, my… Thank you, mas— Fenris, my friend!"

I nod to her and exit the mansion. I make my way to my house to retrieve my tunic and armor. _I have talked enough today to last me a month. Ugh. When I get back, sitting in the corner with a bottle of wine sounds like the best idea. Well, short of going home and staying there, but I can't do that until I'm sure Hawke will be alright for the night._

Once I'm armed, I proceed to the Hanged Man and retrieve its resident rogues. Persuading them isn't difficult, but they do voice their worries, and I assure them that I agree. When we return, Hawke is sitting in a chair in the large foyer with Merrill on the floor by her feet. Several more chairs are set out although they apparently did not interest the blood mage. When they see us, they grin and wave us over. I drag one of the chairs a short distance away from the others and take a seat. Varric and Isabela take the remaining seats, clearly not sure how to act under the circumstances.

"So, what have you lot been up to? How long have you been here, Merrill?" Isabela asks in her usual manner, trying to maintain a sense of normalcy.

Merrill beams at the pirate. "Lots of things! It's been so wonderful! I got here pretty early and they were just waking up so I asked if I should leave but Hawke said no. She went and got some wine and then we played in the bed together until there wasn't anything else to do. The rest of your tattoos are very pretty by the way, Fenris!"

 _Fasta vass, Merrill!_ I sigh and put my face in my hand, my markings buzzing with embarrassment. _Nope, not surprised._

Isabela's eyebrows shoot up. "And I wasn't invited right then?! I'm sure there were plenty more things to do! If you have whipped cream and handcuffs, we could go now."

Hawke starts laughing. "We played cards! Cards!" She picks up a half empty bottle beside her and takes a long pull from it.

Varric looks pointedly at the pirate. "Did you really just suggest handcuffs with Broody?"

Isabella rolls her eyes. "Shut up. It's what I do."

 _They underestimate how thick of shackles I can break. Handcuffs don't exactly remind me of my past. If anything, they make me laugh._

"Anyway, why was he naked?" Isabela points at me, unconvinced.

"He was like that when I got here." Merrill offers.

I roll my eyes. "I was wearing pants." _This is exhausting._

"That's also true." Concedes Merrill. She reaches for the bottle beside the chair, but Hawke snatches it again before she can.

Varric smiles at Hawke. "Well, either way, it sounds like you had a good day. Even though…" He shrugs, his eyes sad.

Hawke bites her cheek. An angry expression flashes across her face and then dissipates. "I think I've had a good day under any circumstance." She forces a smile. "How about you two? Done anything comparable?"

 _She's had too much to drink. Her composure is starting to slip._ I frown, concerned.

Isabela twiddles her fingers. "Nothing quite so entertaining. It didn't feel right… But I'm glad we're all making do, despite…"

Hawke turns the bottle up and drains the rest of the alcohol. Then she stands. "Despite..? What? Despite the fact that I watched my closest family member die last night? That I saw the rest of her mutilated body splayed on a blood-soaked table? That the eyes I looked into and the hand I held belonged to some other woman who had a family who will never see her again? Yeah, I guess I have had a pretty good day considering I've been emotionally fucked!" She tosses her drink behind her, letting it shatter.

 _This is what I was concerned would happen!_ I jump to my feet but don't move towards her. The others stand as well, Merrill scrambling away with fear on her face.

"Hawke, we never meant—" Varric is cut off by Hawke breaking out into hysterical laughter.

"Isn't it great?! I got back Mom's old mansion just to lose Mom! It's a nice trade really! And Carver couldn't care less what happens to me so it really fits!" Hawke shoves the back of her chair, sending it crashing to the ground. "But as long as I can get drunk with my friends, everything's alright, isn't it?!" she yells, grabbing the bottle of whiskey Isabela had brought.

Isabela reaches for it gently, her eyes wide and alert. "Sweetie, can I have that? I could get some glasses."

Snatching the whiskey away from Isabela, Hawke turns her back. "Nice try! I need it!"

 _This is enough! No one should see her like this!_ I turn to the guests. "GET OUT!" I shout, pointing at the door.

They nod and retreat out of the house, exchanging sorrowful glances.

Hawke turns to me and steps up, getting in my face. She takes a drink of the whiskey, although clearly already trashed. "What did you do that for?! Want me all to yourself?" Her words slur horribly, and she grabs at my arm.

I use the distraction to grab the bottle from her and throw it aside. She gives me an outraged look. "Hawke. You don't need that."

Her hand slides down my arm and grabs my butt. "Oh really?! Well, I know something I do need!" She presses herself against me, twining her other hand in my hair. "Come on! Make me forget all this shit!"

 _Venhedis!_ I grab her wrists, careful not to hurt her, and pull her off of me. "Stop it!" I snap, my skin crawling at the abrasive, unwanted contact.

She yanks one of her hands free and grabs the top of my tunic, pulling against the fasteners. "What?! Am I not good enough for you anymore?!"

I place a hand on each side of her face, making her look at me. "Vishante kaffas, Hawke! You know that isn't true!" She struggles against me, but I hold her still, keeping my face stern but understanding. My next words come out calm and soft. "Hawke. Do you think this will fix anything?"

"YES! I WANT… I want… It…" After a second she shakes her head no and start trembling. Tears appear in her eyes, and I pull her against my chest.

Sobs wrack her body. "I'm so, so, sorry… I didn't mean to… this isn't…" Her words are mangled and tearful.

I shush her and press a kiss to her hair. "I love you. This is okay."

"This isn't me… I would never… Maker, Fenris. What's happening?" She becomes limp and we drop to the ground. "I thought I could handle it…" She wipes her eyes. "It's worse…"

Petting her hair, I reassure her. "You don't have to handle it yet. No one expects you be fine."

Her tear soaked face turns away from me. "She's gone… and I don't know what's going to happen! I don't want to be alone…"

I draw her close to me. "That isn't going to happen."

Hawke wraps her arms around me and just cries.

I hold her in my lap and pet her hair. For a while, I cry with her: for all the things and people we've had and lost, for what our relationship should be, for our screwed-up minds and lives, and just because sometimes it's necessary to cry.


	31. Inadmissible Invitation

**Just as things start to look up... they get entertaining. Well, Fenris wouldn't agree. Enjoy!**

* * *

(8) August 22nd

Sleep does not come easy tonight. Hawke thrashes and screams in her sleep. Several times I must restrain her to keep her from harm. I close my eyes for brief moments, never loosening my hold on Hawke. When she starts awake, sweating and miserable, I talk her through it each time. The night seems to stretch on for days. Still, we manage. I guide her through it, and she makes it to the morning bravely.

When the sun shines through the bed chamber windows, illuminating everything in a yellow glow, she opens her eyes, no longer forcing sleep. Hawke looks up at me from where she rests against my chest. Her bloodshot, tired eyes break my heart but she offers me a fragile smile. "At least it's day now."

I smile in return, nodding. _I'm glad she has some optimism this morning. We both need it._

Hawke runs her fingers lightly along my jaw. "I appreciate you staying with me. Last night was hell – for both of us, I'm sure." Her nose scrunches a little, the way it always does when she makes herself laugh. "I can't decide if you're unbelievably kind or just masochistic."

I chuckle. "Well, I wouldn't do it for anyone else, if that helps you figure it out."

She makes a little happy hum sound. Then, her eyes drop to my lips and she leans in closer.

Pulling away slightly, I press my forehead to hers. My markings begin to glow at the thought of kissing her. _I shouldn't. Nothing about that has changed. If she gets used to kissing me again, it will make things worse._ Instead of brining my lips to hers, the way I desperately want to, I close my eyes and let out a slow breath.

Hawke pushes back from me, her hands on my chest. "I shouldn't have—"

"If you apologize to me, I _will_ leave this house." I wink at her.

With an amused snort, Hawke flops backwards onto the bed, gazing up at the ceiling. "What a life we live." She shakes her head but her voice is lively, not defeated.

"What a life indeed." I lean my head against the bedrail, attempting to will my markings into not glowing. They don't comply, betraying how much I desperately want Hawke.

"It's kind of funny." Hawke begins.

I raise my eyebrows. "Hmm?"

She pulls a corner of the blanket to her chest, hugging it to her heart. "After all that crying last night, and you being here… I feel better than I have for a long time. It's like a weight has been lifted off of me." She smiles. "I guess it has, a few tankards of tears are gone now."

 _It's impressive how well she's handling this. Even after yesterday._ "You never cease to amaze me Hawke."

"That's because I'm… a-mage-ing." She covers her head with her forearms. "Hahaha, don't kill me!"

Although I disapprove, this catches me off guard, and I burst out laughing. "Hawke!"

She pulls her knees up in a protective ball. "I take it back! I take it back! I choose life!"

"It's too late for that!" I say, still laughing. I move onto my knees and tickle her ribs.

She tosses about, pulling away from me and swatting at my hands, all the while giggling. "Noooo!" She shrieks.

Still, I persist, tickling her anywhere she isn't blocking. "You brought this on yourself!" I grin at her.

"No fair! I can't fight back! You aren't ticklish!" She pushes me back with a foot on my shoulder. I drum my fingers on the top of it and she reels, laughing hysterically. A moment later, she freezes, a look of mischief on her face. "Wait a second."

I squint at her, my hand hovering above her stomach. "What?"

Hawke pounces on me, shoving me onto my back. Immediately she seizes one of my feet and begins dancing her nails across the bottom of it.

"Kaffas!" _NO NO NO!_ I shout as my skin tingles under her tickles. My foot phases out of her hands, and I fall out of the bed onto the floor.

She peers over the edge of the mattress at me, a smug expression on her face.

I look back at her with wide incredulous eyes, my heart racing and markings bright. "I did not appreciate that." I tell her, my voice slightly higher than usual.

Hawke snickers. "Now I know your weakness."

Crossing my arms, I glare at her. _Ugh. She did not need to know about that._

"That's right." She playfully sticks her tongue out. "I plan to exploit it."

I shrug. "Very well. Remember how many I have on you."

She starts to say something but pulls back, clearly trying to remember exactly what I could use against her. "You wouldn't."

"How much are you willing to stake on that?" I smirk.

Hawke holds out a hand in exasperation. "I didn't even scream that much…"

I raise an eyebrow.

Grumbling nonsensically, Hawke presses her fingers to her temples. "Fine. We tell no one." She looks at me though one half opened eye.

After standing, I pretend to ponder her words before answering. "I can agree to that." I shake her hand and then pull her to her feet. "Are you hungry?"

* * *

(9) Kingsway 15th

I sip my drink absentmindedly. My attentions are focused on the heated discussion going on across the Hanged Man between Hawke and the abomination. She had been pulled aside by him just moments after we had sat down. Hawke's eyes are wide, and she scratches nervously at her neck. Despite my straining, I can't make out a word they're staying. _What on earth could be going on? They've been over there for ages._

Varric taps his fingers on the table. "Broody? Is anyone home?"

My attention snaps back to the table and I look at him, startled. "Hmm? I didn't catch that last part."

Varric chuckles. "You didn't catch any of it. Rivaini could have switched your glass for a jar of bees, and you would have eaten them."

Isabela slaps him on the arm. "Great, now I can't do that, or he'll be expecting it."

I roll my eyes and exhale annoyedly, glancing back at Hawke.

"What do think is going to happen if you look away? Their clothes going to melt off?" The dwarf says good humoredly.

"I simply wish to know what they are discussing." I narrow my eyes at the back of Anders' head.

Isabela scoots her chair closer to me and runs her fingers down my arm. The markings glow and I snatch it away from her. "Fenris." She clicks her tongue and smirks. "You don't have to be so jealous. Marian hardly has time to be screwing him when she's got you babysitting her every hour."

I growl at the infuriating pirate. "I do not babysit her."

With a laugh, Isabela replies, "Of course not. You just keep her from making bad decisions, protect her, hold her hand to help her sleep better, and aren't having sex with her."

I level my gaze at Isabela, challenging her. _Yes. Pretend to understand our relationship. Go on. Try it. We're in it and don't understand it._

She holds up her hands in defeat. "It was a joke! Maker. All I meant was that you don't have to worry about Hawke sleeping with him. I was trying to help you relax." She leans back in her chair, clearly as done with me as I am with her. "I swear... I bet when you're horny you punch yourself in the dick and say, 'That's better!'"

I hold up my middle finger to her and return my attention to Hawke and Anders who have started approaching the table. Anders' face is relieved but quickly morphs into smugness when his eyes meet mine. _Fasta vass. What now?_

Hawke grabs my arm, her face nervous. "Let's leave. I'd like to talk for a minute."

I stand and follow her, suspicious. "What?" I ask as we push open the door and exit the tavern. _This is not promising._

Hawke walks ahead, wringing her hands and not looking at me.

"Hawke, what's going on?" I demand.

Abruptly, she stops and spins to face me. "Do you want to move in with me?"

I freeze, completely caught off guard. I stare back at her. _What? Move in with her?! Where did that come from? What does that have to do with anything? I hadn't thought about it... I've spent every night with her for the past weeks anyway. Why should anything have to change?_

Hawke's wide eyes search mine, and she continues to harshly wring her hands. "Yeah, I just thought it would be good to have you there all the time. You could have your own room, with your own space, of course! I wouldn't expect you to share with me, except for if you wanted to."

My eyebrows furrow, and I cross my arms. "Why ask me this now? What were you and the abomination going on about?"

Hawke puts on a large fake smile. "I would have asked you sooner, but I was afraid you'd say no... I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

I continue to gaze at her, unimpressed.

She swears and drops the facade. "Look, Anders is in a lot of trouble. We knew we wouldn't be able to keep the Templars off his doorstep for much longer. They ripped the door off his clinic last night; raided the place. Thankfully, he wasn't there… if he had been… Anyway, a neighbor filled him in on how it went down. It isn't good Fenris; he won't be so lucky next time. I had to."

 _Do not be saying what I think you're saying._ "Had to what?" I set my jaw.

She sucks in a breath and begins speaking extremely quickly, "I had to give him a place to stay; I couldn't just let him be made tranquil, he's a part of the team even if he is an ass sometimes. It wouldn't be anything weird, I wouldn't see him at night, he'd have his own room, and wouldn't bother us! And it's just temporary, until we can secure him another location."

I clench my hands into fists and then release them. I let out a long, exasperated sigh. _Of course! Let's invite the most volatile and dangerous person we know to move in! There is no way that could possibly go wrong! I should have expected this. Kaffas! Stupid man, putting us all in danger. He's been all but begging to live in Hawke's mansion since she got it. I swear if he brings the Templars down on Hawke… I hate him so much._ "You're letting that thing move in with you?!" I ask, the words and acknowledgement like ash in my mouth.

"I know it sounds bad -is bad - whatever. But I promise it won't change anything about us. I love you." She places a hand on my shoulder. "You, Fenris. No one else. At the thought of you moving in with me, I get butterflies. Taking Anders in is just a responsibility."

"He isn't your responsibility! In fact, he's one of your problems!" I all but shout.

"Well, I feel like he's both! Just like everyone else. He would do the same thing if our roles were reversed." Hawke tries to persuade me.

I grind my teeth before replying. "Of course he would! He'd do anything to sleep with you! That does _not_ make him a redeemable human!"

"This isn't about that, and you know it." She rolls her eyes. "Would I have asked you to move in if that was on the table?"

 _I should hope not!_ I shake my head, gathering my irate thoughts. "You realize that isn't the main reason it's a terrible idea to have him under your roof? Have sex with him, whatever, but he puts you in danger of the Templars. Not to mention the fact that his demon is unpredictable and could try to kill you."

Hawke gives me a half smile and puts her hand on my arm. "One, I'm not going to do that. Two, Cullen owes me far too much for the Templars to challenge me. Three, as I told you before, I am prepared to kill Anders should that be necessary. And, most importantly, am I ever really in danger when you're there?"

Turning away from her, I squeeze my temples together with my palms. _As much as I despise every. Single. Thing. about this, there will be no changing her mind. Ugh!_ "You do realize you're going to regret this."

Hawke twists her lips. "Most likely, yes. But the real question is, will you be moving in too?" She runs around to see my face, and looks at me expectantly, her blue eye sparkly and beautiful.

I curse under my breath. "I'm not leaving him there with you alone."

She grins brightly. "Yes! I was so hoping you were going to say that!"

 _Kaffas. I knew this was the kind of thing I was getting myself into when I decided to keep Hawke out of trouble… Maker, I'm going to be living with Anders… I think I'm going to be sick._


	32. Querulous Visitant

**Dun dun dun! It just needed to happen... Enjoy!**

* * *

(9) Kingsway 15th

My back is leaned against the wall and my arms are crossed, as Anders hauls his fourth load of belongings into Hawke's house. _How much crap does it own?_

Fumbling with the various containers, Anders drops the top box and then flings the rest on the ground in annoyance. He promptly glares at me. "Aren't you going to help? You've been standing there this whole time."

I don't dignify him with a response; instead, I chuckle at his mishap. _I'd rather stab myself in the eye than help you._

Cursing, Anders reloads his arms and carries it into the little room Hawke has provided for him. The space is already cluttered with his things, mostly supplies from the clinic, there is barely room for him walk to the bed.

I haven't brought anything over from my mansion. Not only would it be pointless, I don't have anything to bring. The only thing I own that means anything is always wrapped around my wrist.

Hawke makes her way over to me, smiling. "Everything getting settled?"

"Unfortunately." I sigh.

Anders emerges from the room and perks up at the sight of Hawke, tossing aside his agitated demeanor. "Hawke! It's good to see you. I've gotten just about everything moved in." He smiles brightly at her.

I look at him incredulously. "What more could you possibly have?"

"Things. People give me stuff as thanks for saving their lives. Not that you would know anything about that. I don't carelessly toss it out, it means something." Anders leers at me.

 _I seriously doubt he remembers anything about receiving half the things he has. Hoarder._

"That's good! The faster you can get out of Darktown, the better." Hawke nods to him.

Anders frowns. "I have so many patients there. I just wish I could get them all out. I'm hoping I'll still be able to attend to them the way they deserve."

"I'm sure you will be able to. You've been out with us a significant amount of the time anyway; it won't really be that much different." Hawke's tone is upbeat and encouraging.

"She's right. You only have to be here to sleep occasionally. You can spend all of your time in Darktown." _If only he would._

Narrowing his eyes at me, Anders responds, "You can't just make me go away."

 _Is that so?_ I ignite the lyrium in my hand and look between it and his chest, contemplating giving him a reason to really fear me.

The abomination bristles, reaching for the staff that isn't on his back.

"Uh-huh." Hawke crosses her arms and rakes us with a disapproving look. "Just try to start something with each other in my house. I couldn't care less what you do in the street, but in here, the walls will remain holeless."

 _The house would be fine. He'd be the only thing with holes in it._ I drop my hand anyway, to placate her.

I look to my left as Orana scurries up to us. She bows to each of us in turn, despite how many times I've told her not to. "Hello, Mistress, Fenris my friend, and Mr. Grey Warden."

"Don't call me that. I left the grey wardens because of things like this." Anders huffs.

 _I'm starting to wonder if he left at all or if they kicked him out and he's bitter about it._ "Hello, Orana." I nod to her.

Hawke turns to her as well, smiling. "Is everything alright? Do you need help with anything?"

"Oh, no Mistress. Everything is excellent, just like it always is! You have such nice things to cook with. Papa would be so happy I'm working here. I am as well!" Orana claps her hands together. "I came here to let you know that dinner is almost ready. I'll be setting the table shortly."

"Excellent!" Hawke beams.

The young elf turns and begins making her way back to the kitchen. I fall in step behind her, not relishing the thought of continued conversation with Anders. She looks over her shoulder at me, puzzled. "Are you coming with me? It'll be a few minutes before it's ready yet."

I shrug. "You've been handling everything yourself?" _I hope she has been adjusting to free life well._

"Certainly! There is so much less to do here than what my duties were for the magister. I just hope I've been doing a good job." The way she casually remarks about her former life makes me cringe.

"I imagine so. Hadriana could always make work were there was none." I scowl at the thought of this poor girl being subjected to her cruelty. _I'm sure was treated even worse since that bitch didn't have Danarious to answer to if someone got too injured to work._

Orana stops and turns to face me, her eyebrows knitted together. Her eyes take stock of my markings before returning to meet mine. "You knew my Master, didn't you."

"Yes."

"And… you killed her?" She asks, her face full of confliction.

I nod.

Orana tears up, and I'm afraid I've upset her. Before I can say a word to calm her down, she reaches out and takes my hand. "Thank you."

I stiffen at the contact but relax, not wanting her to apologize. _She's grateful? That's good. That means she's finally coming to terms with the situation. More painful that way however._ "You don't have to thank me. I failed you for not killing her sooner. For that I am sorry."

The young woman squeezes my hand and drops it. "Please don't say that. You could have gotten yourself killed attacking the magister before you did. The others helped you."

 _I suppose they did. Still, I was a coward for not seeking her out. Because of that, this girl is also without a family._ "Alright, what is still to be done?" I gesture for her to lead the way into the kitchen.

"Oh, no. You don't have to assist me. I am quite capable!" Orana smiles genuinely at me.

"If I had to, I wouldn't do it." I chuckle. _Even though she is getting paid she could use a break. No one should ever to feel like their only worth is in their work._

With a little bounce, she pushes the door open and enters the kitchen. "If you'd like then, you can stir that pot over there. Everything is finished, it just needs to not stick. If not, that is just fine, I'll set the table very quickly."

I stride over the fire and attend to the pot. The large container holds a soup with carrots, celery, and some kind of meat. _I really hope there isn't fish in here. Yuck._

After a few minutes, Orana returns and hurriedly takes the soon from me. "Thank you so much, Fenris. I'll never forget you helping me."

I raise an eyebrow. "I didn't exactly do much."

"You didn't have to." She replies, happiness covering her face.

Once the bowls have been filled, we each pick up three and carry them to the dining room. When we enter, Hawke is pulling her chair out. She looks over at us, surprised. "So that's where you went." She hurries to join us and takes a bowl from each of our arms.

We all set them in their corresponding places. Hawke takes her seat between two other chairs; never the head of the table because she finds it 'socially confining.' I join her on her right and Orana runs back into the kitchen to retrieve something.

"She's pretty great, huh? One of the sweetest people I know." Hawke pokes me playfully in the bicep. "Like you."

I give her a sour expression but there isn't any real frustration behind it. _I am most certainly the opposite._

Anders, Bodahn, and Sandal enter the dining room and sit. Sandal at the head of the table, Bodahn across from me, and Anders on the other side of Hawke.

It suddenly dawns on me how much I dislike this situation. When I'm here I always eat either in passing, a piece of bread or something of that nature, or with only Hawke. This is not something I ever intended to be a part of. _Fasta vass. I am not sitting here all evening._

"This looks delightful serah! Thank you so much for letting my boy and I dine with you tonight. Sandal, what do we say to the nice lady?" Bodahn looks to his son who is currently balancing his spoon on top of his head.

"Thank you." Sandal says without breaking concentration on the spoon.

"You don't have to thank me. We're family now." Hawke tells the dwarves kindly.

 _She always likes to claim everyone. I'll never understand that. Keeping them at a distance saves so much trouble._

"Besides," Hawke continues. "It's only right for us do this, since it's Anders' first night here."

Anders nods. "It's nice to have a real meal and bed for once."

 _Uh-huh. You know, interesting enough, the Circle also provides those things._ I roll my eyes.

As Orana re-enters, carrying a basket of various breads and fruits, I stand and grab my bowl, sticking the spoon in it. "Here, sit next to Hawke."

The young elf complies, delighted.

Seizing the opportunity, I nod to the dwarves and Hawke, then exit the room. _That worked out._ Dinner in hand, I pass through the library, climb the stairs, and sit on the floor shielded by one of the huge kegs. _I much prefer eating here where I won't be bothered._

A few hours later when it's dark outside and decently late, I emerge from the library, return my bowl to the kitchen, and seek out Hawke. As expected, albeit dreaded, I find her in the little room with Anders. She sits on the edge of the bed with her arms wrapped around her knees, laughing about something she just said, while he rummages through one of his boxes.

 _Sure. Sit on his bed, see if that doesn't give him the wrong idea._ I pause. _It better be the wrong idea._ Moving into the doorway, I lean against the frame and cock my head at Hawke.

She smiles at me and doesn't bother to move, clearly not seeing anything wrong with her current location. "Hey, Fenris. How was your meal?"

"Good. How's… this?" I ask.

"It's fine. I was just telling Anders about that date Merrill went on with Carver. He never got to hear the full story." She snickers.

Anders turns to her. "I still think it could work out between them." He says teasingly.

"Ew!" Hawke hops off the bed and shoves his shoulder. "Take that back!"

I cross my arms, irritated.

Still patronizing, Anders continues, "I mean he's a dick, she's a blood mage…"

Hawke snorts, astonished but amused that he said that. "That's mean!"

"It's also true." He holds his hands up, smirking.

"Stop it!" She fake scowls at him.

Stepping closer to her, "What if I don't?" He asks.

 _Kaffas I hate him._ I clear my throat. "Hawke, do you want to come to bed?"

Her bright eyes immediately snap to me and she nods. "Of course!" She walks over and runs her fingers down my arm. "You know I can't say no to _that_."

I pull her behind me out of the room. Hawke pushes me against the door, hard, causing it to slam shut. My breath catches in my throat, and my markings flare to life. _I hope she didn't misunderstand-_

Hawke presses her lips to my ear and lightly whispers, "You're welcome." Then she steps back with a mischievous expression and calls out, "Night Anders!" And runs for the stairs giggling.

I step away from the door and shake my head to clear it. _Alright then. That works, I suppose._ I follow Hawke to her bed chamber, joining her where she lays draped across the bed the way she has flung herself.

Eyeing her suspiciously, I say, "You, are a siren."

Hawke smiles and rolls over to rest her cheek on my thigh. "Aww thanks! That might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me." Her nose crinkles with amusement.

 _Yep, she's loving every second of having us both here. Ugh._ "You enjoy leading men to their deaths?" I raise an eyebrow at her.

She twists her lips in thought for a moment. "You know how people talk about wanting to be either loved or feared?"

I nod.

"Well, I want both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." Hawke giggles and winks at me.

"Ah, then if that's the case, you have certainly succeeded where I'm concerned." I chuckle. "I think you did the first day you barged into my life. Not that I could ever have admitted it to myself at the time; I was too busy wishing I hated you."

Her cheeks redden slightly. "I didn't expect you to take that literally." She moves my arm against her chest and begins fiddling with the red ribbon. "The first time I saw you, even before you spoke or ripped that guy's heart out, I got goose bumps. You were the most attractive person I had ever laid eyes on. I was in awe. And then of course, I heard your voice and was forever ruined for any other man. It was all over at that point."

 _That's sweet. And nice to hear. I never truly doubted that she would stay loyal to me, but this helps._ I smile at her, and my markings give a little flicker.

"And then there's that." Hawke grins and traces one of the lines along my palm. "I know I'm irritating. Thanks for putting up with my crap."

"One shouldn't deal what they can't take, right?" I push a piece of hair out of her face.

"What? You think you're irritating?" Hawke snorts. "No way. You're perfect."

At this I really laugh. _I am about the most imperfect person— well, besides Anders and Merrill— that she knows._ "Sure. You continue thinking that."

"I don't think it. I _know_ it." She boops the end my nose. "I'm so glad you agreed to stay here, at least for as long as Anders does."

I look at her seriously. "You don't want to be here alone, do you?"

Hawke shivers, and she frowns. "No." Her eyes linger on the wall that separates this room from her mother's. "I couldn't. There's no one right there to hear me if I called out… Not that I ever did, but this place seems so unfriendly without her right there."

"I won't leave you by yourself. You can always call out for me." I run my fingers comfortingly through her hair.

She looks at me with her searching blue eyes. "For how long?"

"As long as you will have me. If I'm wanted here, I will slaughter any number of people to return to you at night." I offer her a half smile.

"How romantic." She giggles. "But I believe you."

"There was not exactly a better way to phrase that." I shrug.

Hawke pauses, thoughtful. "Want to hear a story?"

"Of course." I agree. _I could continuously listen to her tales. They are always… interesting._

She sits up to properly gesture with her hands as she speaks. "Back in Lothering, I shared a room with the twins, of course. Bethany and I loved to wait until Carver was fast asleep and then sneak out the window in our room at night—okay, I loved it, and she mostly wanted to keep me out of trouble. We did all kinds of stupid things, mostly involving learning to control our magic. It was fun because it was our thing. No one knew about it but us; we thought we were such rebels." Her eyes begin to cloud with sadness, but she blinks it away. "At one point, this Qunari, Sten, who oddly didn't have any horns… was captured and locked in a cage just outside the main area of our town. Apparently, he had eaten like twelve people or something. Well, Bethany and I thought this was fascinating; he was the first Qunari we had ever seen. So, we would steal random things from around the house and throw them into his cage from a distance when we snuck out. Mostly he got pelted with carrot slices and pebbles, neither of which he was fond of. One day however, Bethany swiped a cookie and tossed it in there before I could eat it; the guy snatched it up fast and then ate it slowly, I swear he was crying he liked it so much." Hawke laughs.

I raise an eyebrow. "Qunari like cookies?"

"I was surprised at first, but honestly, who doesn't? And mother's were damn good. He was lucky I didn't get it first."

"How amusing. Perhaps we should proposition the Arishok with cookies." I jest.

"You know, it isn't worse than some of the ideas I've thought up. If I was him, I'd take the deal." Hawke snickers.

I move to the side, pull the covers back, and slide under them. "I enjoy hearing stories about your family. I wish I had some of my own to share."

Hawke joins me under the blankets and snuggles against my shoulder. "I like to think that we're building fun stories for you tell, every day."

 _It certainly is eventful. Today especially._ "With all the strange situations you get me into, I suppose I'm making up for lost time."

"Exactly!" Hawke reaches across me and twines her fingers with mine. "We'll tell our kids one day, and they'll think we're lying."

My muscles tense. _Kids? I had never measured the idea of having children… Of course, it's likely if we return to a physical relationship, but it hadn't crossed my mind. I can't imagine I'd be a successful parent. I have enough just worrying about Hawke and myself… Nope. Let's not think about that until it's necessary._ "Anyone would think we were lying. You shouldn't be a real person."

"I am kind of a novelty, aren't I?" Hawke says and then yawns.

"Exceptionally so." _Thank the Maker she got off the children point. Fasta vass. That is not something either of us need._

It isn't long before Hawke falls asleep, leaving me staring at the wall, confronted by my thoughts. I'm haunted by the uncertainty of the future. _It is clear that I will never abandon Hawke again. What is disconcerting is what the future will look like for us. I had not intended to be living with her, sharing a bed. Although if I wasn't here… I don't know if that would be easier or more difficult for us. Honestly… I need to let it play out and stop nettling me. This is ridiculous._ I shake my head and gently slide out of the bed, careful not to wake the beautiful, dreaming mage beside me. _I need to clear my head._


	33. Eventide Repartee

**Sorry this chapter is so short; I normally won't do this, but I feel like quality is more important than quantity. I want to post things you guys actually want to read! Please enjoy!**

* * *

(9) Kingsway 15th

I exit the bed chamber and approach the banister overlooking the foyer. I lean my weight on it and look down at where the Mabari lays snoring by the grand fireplace. _Harley is the last of her family who remains here. It's good that he's survived everything that's gone down._

A loud crash sounds out from down stairs. I look around but nothing in the foyer has changed. _Anders._ I sigh. _What is he destroying now?_ Curiosity getting the better of me, I descend the stairs and stride through the house to the little room Anders had been given. When I pull open the door, all of the mage's boxes are covering the floor, their contents spilling everywhere, where they had clearly just fallen. Anders stands on the bed, half dressed, his hair sticking up, looking terrified.

 _While not what I expected, this is even more entertaining._ I raise an eyebrow. "Having fun?"

Anders scowls at me. "I think there's a rat in one of my boxes."

"You're afraid of rats?" I ask, amused.

"No." The lesser wanted house guest purses his lips.

"Ah, then get off the bed and find it." _I seriously doubt there's a rat. He's just paranoid._

"No." Anders crosses his arms.

I snicker. "Mmmhmm… so you are a scaredy cat."

"I am not. And why did you have to bring cats into this? If there was cat, we wouldn't have this problem in the first place." He frowns.

" _We_ are not having this problem now. You seem to be." _His fixation on felines is slightly concerning. But, so is everything else about him._

The apostate moves to the edge of the bed and looks around the boxes. "Blasted thing is here! I just saw it."

 _He is pathetic._ "I don't actually care. Also, where are your clothes?"

Anders cuts his eyes at me. "I only have the one set of robes. I'm not going to sleep in them. Don't act like I've seen you wear anything different in four years."

 _With all the battles, it is astonishing that our armor has held up the way it has…_ "Get something. No one wants to see that."

The mage throws his shoulders back, which looks preposterous as he is still standing on a bed in his small clothes. "I am fairly certain you are the only one complaining."

"That would be because I am the only one currently being subjected to this." I roll my eyes.

"You think you're so much better than me, don't you? I know it's because I'm a mage. You're just like everyone else! Judging us all on the mistakes of a few! And yet Hawke gets a pass from your bias. She's the one exception to your rule? Why, because she's willing to sleep with you? She'll put up with your shit, so she's suddenly above the rest of us? Mages are people. We're trying, you know. They stick us up in those towers like slaves-"

"Don't." I growl at him. "You haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about."

Anders cocks his head at me defiantly. "Or maybe that isn't the case at all. Maybe Hawke doesn't get a pass. Your constant running to her and then ditching her is a game. You're punishing her for what she is!"

In an instant I'm beside him. I strike him in the sternum with my fist, sending him crashing off the bed and onto the heap of boxes in the floor. "Would you shut the hell up?!"

Blue cracks appear in his flesh and his eyes become glowing orbs. I stomp down on his stomach. "Be gone demon! I wasn't addressing you."

Justice falls dormant, and Anders forms a ball of electricity in his hand, furious.

"Yes, please cast that in here!" I glare down at him. _Why do I have to put up with this?!_

He flicks a finger and the spell dissipates; this does nothing to lessen the tension in the air.

"Understand this. I hate you. If it wasn't for Hawke, I would have killed you a long time ago, although I'm sure you were already aware of that. Your presence here is not only unwanted, but dangerous for Hawke. If she is ever threatened because of your being here, I will permanently remove you from her life. I don't have to explain myself to you, nor will I. I don't respect you enough to care what your opinion is. That means, I don't want to hear it." I crack my knuckles. "You _will_ shut up and stay away from me if you value having your organs inside your body."

Anders stares daggers into me, but doesn't say a word.

 _I seem to have made my point._ I jump down from the bed, careful to crush several items under my feet as I make my way out of the room.

When I reenter Hawke's bed chamber, I pull the door quietly closed behind me. She sits up, her eyes sleepy and hair a mess, and smiles at me. "Sounded like you were… uh… talking with Anders."

 _Unfortunately, but hopefully not for nothing._ I nod and climb in bed next to her.

She nestles in next to me, yawning. "Sounded noisy. If you make a habit of visiting him in the middle of the night, people will talk."

 _That's disgusting._ I nudge her shoulder. "People being you."

She snickers, falling back to sleep. "Yeah… It's usually me…"

* * *

For the most part, Anders has kept his mouth shut around me. And by this, I mean he hasn't straight up given me a definitive reason to gut him. As relieving as this probably should be, his constant lingering near Hawke is even more irritating. In the mornings he's up first, waiting to follow her around and convince her to train magic with him. Whenever that happens, I'm all too happy to disappear back to my mansion, which I refuse to give up. I suppose this time to myself is a perk to his intrusion; however, I spend most of it worrying about his negative effect on Hawke. Spending at least an hour every morning with a psychopath can't possibly result in anything other than negative consequences. Yes, they're both mages, that does not make them have to practice casting together. They don't even know the same spells. Force mage, possessed-arrogant-healer mage, not the same thing. Both of them know the most basic healing spell, heal, that's it. When I suggested he work with Merrill instead, then it was I who was "completely ignorant to the ways of magic." Which is preposterous considering the extent of my knowledge about the magisters. Training with Merrill would be exactly as unhelpful as training with Hawke, and he knows it. However, it probably was merely false hope the he would actually take the bait and stop trying to be anything other than a burden.

Even when magic isn't the topic of discussion, he continues to be grating. In the evenings, he's either following us to Hanged Man or inviting himself into whichever room we happen to be occupying. Why he does this, I don't know. More frequently than not, he just stands there in silence or makes needless small talk, gaining nothing. The Hanged Man, sure, fine, it's a public place; but get the hell out of the sitting room instead of pouting and twiddling your thumbs man. As funny as Hawke thinks it is, no one should ever attempt to sit on a loveseat that already contains two people. Additionally, knocking on a door, especially the shut door to a bed chamber, when the only thing you want is to ask is "What's up?" is not socially acceptable. Even I know that, I am poorly adjusted to society.

If it wasn't for his spending the majority of the day in Darktown, I would have lost my mind by now. Or, more of my mind than I already have. I'm fairly certain I lose brain cells every time he speaks to me. So far, there have been three separate conversations regarding grapes. Not wine. Grapes. Apparently, when Hawke decides that her mission doesn't require either of us, the abomination has nothing better to do th an ask my opinion on… grapes. Is there some part of "Shut up. I hate you and you're a monster" that is unclear?

I have quickly discovered every nook that works well for not being discovered. The roof is the most interesting, weather permitting. So far, Anders has only found me once, and I'm convinced he used some kind of locating spell. It works out well, not even Hawke knows where I disappear to, but everyone has gotten used to it and generally do not attempt to seek me out. I still much prefer to be alone most of the time, this is my only way to successfully manage that.

Aveline has started getting irritated at me for asking her everyday if she found him a place to live yet. She once suggested he take my mansion but quickly retracted the proposition after one glance at my face. Firstly, that place is more of trophy, a smack in the face to Danarius, than anything. And secondly, no. Anders thinks too highly of himself to live in a dilapidated building full of well decomposed corpses anyway. He would be instantly affronted by the lack of shatter mirrors and accommodations.

Upon multiple occasions, Isabela has let herself into Hawke's estate through a window to "Just check in." We all know she's hoping to stumble upon something amorous and insert herself into the mix. She's had no such luck, as the most interesting things that go on are either arguments, or merely excellent dreams.


	34. Ambivalent Pursuit

**I had to have Fenris and Sebastian actually meet eventually XD I actually love writing them together and plan to bring him in more often. Enjoy!**

* * *

(9) Kingsway 19th

"Keeper." Merrill nods the older elf. She is beside herself with worry over her demon mirror, unwilling to rest until she has the tool to fix it.

Hawke stands at the blood mage's side, shoulders back and head high, prepared to speak for her if the words do not present themselves.

Sebastian and I stand slightly back, neither of us comfortable with this nor approving of it. This is only the second time I've seen the archer, the other being in passing when he stopped by with Aveline to take Hawke somewhere. We've only spoken a few sentences, but already I sense that he's at least somewhat sensible. Finding fault in blood magic and feeling just as out of place here as I do has made me appreciate his presence. It could be that he's completely horrible, but I've spent so much time around Anders that Sebastian seems like a perfect companion. At the very least, he doesn't openly make passes at Hawke or worship the almighty mages. So yeah, _I like him._

The Keeper looks at Merrill, appraising. "You return to us, da'len. Have you reconsidered this path at last?"

 _She would never. Not unless her precious blood magic was appreciated._ I shift my weight from one foot to the other. _I can't understand her. She says all she cares about is this. Her clan. That she just wants to protect them; yet, her actions are rash and place her and these elves in peril. If only she would have waited, found some other way to help without consorting with demons. As it is, she has made herself a maleficar, with nothing to show for it. I suppose it's pitiable. But it is also too late._

"I…" Merrill stutters and then looks to Hawke, wide eyed and fearful.

"Hello again, Keeper! Don't you look lovely!" Hawke smiles radiantly at the woman.

 _Hawke, always solving our problems for us._

The elder nods to her. "My apologies, Hawke. Be welcome among the Dalish."

Mustering her courage, Merrill blurts out her request, "Keeper, I need the arulin'holm, the ancient carving blade that Master Ilen keeps."

 _Good that she could get that out._

"I see. You wish to rebuild the eluvian." It is clear that Marethari is not surprised by this, but is still disappointed.

"You don't have to approve of it. I'm invoking vir sulevanan. I'll do whatever task you wish." While the blood mage's words are rushed with anxiety, they are still full of conviction.

The Keeper's eye brows knit together, and she frowns. "Well. I'm glad to know I can still disapprove." She crosses her arms. "It is your right. I will give you a service to perform, if you insist."

My last shred of hope that the request would be denied and Merrill would forget the mirror dissipates. Sebastian and I exchange concerned glances. He mouths, "Should we go along with this?" I scratch the back of my head and shrug. _I loathe contributing to the rapid demise of someone. Alas, there will be no changing her mind, and I should be here in case something goes awry._ I hold my position and Sebastian takes the cue and does the same.

Hawke raises and eyebrow. "What did Merrill invoke?"

Marethari sighs. "Our history belongs to all the Dalish, child, so our clan's most cherished relics can be claimed by everyone. Any Dalish can perform a service for the clan and gain ownership of such an item. For a time. That is what Merrill has invoked. Even if she has chosen to live apart, she is still one of the People."

 _Interesting. I was under the impression that she was a pariah. Curious that she was so afraid to approach the Keeper when she is fully welcome here. It could be that she feels she's betrayed her clan by taking this group in its place._

"Mmmhmm." Hawke twists her lips. "It's a lot to ask, I know, but could you two try to be less elfy for the sake of the human present?"

 _And the other human and the non-Dalish elf._

"We are what we are, child. But I'll try to speak more of the common tongue." Marethari's tone is more patient with Hawke than most. "A varterral has taken the lives of three of our hunters. It lairs in a cavern in the mountainside. Seek it out. Slay it. No one else must fall to its anger. Do this for us, and I will give you the arulin'holm. May the Dread Wolf never catch your scent." With this, she nods to us and steps back, returning to her work.

 _A varterral! I've only heard of them. How interesting that there would be one here._ "It is strange that a varterral would be harassing this clan. They hunt elk and bears. Elves are distinct in scent to them, they only attack us in self-defense."

Merrill frowns. "It's true. It usually lets us pass with no issues… Something must have upset it."

"It could have been magically bound to guard something in the cave." I pause. "Or perhaps it was set off by the First to the Keeper becoming a maleficar." I cut my eyes at Merrill.

"No. It had nothing to do with me… It… It couldn't." Merrill shakes her head to clear it. "I haven't gotten anyone killed. What I do only affects me. And I have it under control."

 _There is no controlling a deal with a demon._ I don't push the issue any further, but I certainly don't agree with her.

"Whatever the cause, we'll put a stop to it now and figure it out." Hawke places a hand on Merrill's shoulder. "It'll be alright. We've faced worse."

Sebastian reluctantly nods. "I can't say I'm clear on the logistics of all of this, and you know how I feel about blood magic. But I can't deny that these people need help, so I'll gladly assist in the slaying of this creature."

 _Fair enough. I wonder if they realize that varterrals rival dragons and often walk away unscathed._ I don't mention it, not wishing to further raise alarm.

Merrill glances around nervously. "Everyone is staring at me. Let just get this over with." She puts her shoulders back and walks hurriedly away from her former camp and up the mountain.

We walk right with her, not letting distance grow between us. _A member of her clan could just as easily strike her down as the varterral. They're scared of her – as they should be. We can't let her leave our sight, or she might be killed._

"The cave must be near camp." Merrill points ahead of us, at a bend in the road. "The Keeper would have just warned the hunters away, otherwise."

Hawke nods. "She must be worried about it finding its way here."

Wide eyed, Merrill turns to face Hawke, her lip slightly quivering. "No. We can't let that happen. Everyone here will be fine." Her voice drops off into a whisper. "… Even if I'm not."

Hawke steels her face. "Don't you dare say that. Nothing happens to my friends. Nothing."

 _If she's certain about anything it's that. It concerns me to think of what it would do to her if one of us died. Since Leandra's passing she hasn't been able to touch alcohol without drinking herself into a feverish mess that requires me to carry her home. If it was someone she felt even more responsible for… I pray I never have to see that day._

Merrill nods. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Let's go." She resumes leading the way.

A few yards more of walking and Merrill begins babbling again. "I've tried everything. But I can't get the mirror to do anything. It won't even reflect. That's probably bad."

 _I think it is excellent. If that piece of demonic garbage is a portal, or holds a spirt, or something, I hope it never works._

"Well, that's why we're here isn't it? To get you what you need to fix that!" Hawke reassures her.

Sebastian opens his mouth to begin speaking, but I silence him with a glare and mouth, "Nothing will change her mind."

He scowls but concedes. Mothing back, "How do you stand this?"

Amused I snort and turn my attention back to the road before us. _I don't really. He has no idea how normal this is._

After a few moments, we round the bend and spot a large cave. Hawke holds her hands out. "There we go! How much you want to bet our culprit is in there?"

"Certainly seem likely." Sebastian replies.

 _Indeed it does._

The moment we reach the entrance of the cave, animate skeletons leap from the earth. They snap their jaws, black ooze spilling from absent lips. The nearest shoves Merrill onto her back as another set of arms springs up through the ground, wrap around her, and pin her down. The maleficar shrieks and lashes out with her legs, striking her initial assailant in the rotted pelvic girdle and sending it crashing to the ground. She grabs the arms still encasing her and melts through the bones with acid erupting from her palms. Now she's free and leaps upon the grounded skeleton, busting though it's frontal bone with her palms and shattering the skull entirely.

I spin on my heel as a shambling foe rises behind me. Before it can lash out with its filth smeared hands, I swing my sward diagonally. The broad side of the steel connects and the corpse and sends it in spray of bone shards into the rocks. _That was satisfying._ A hand snaps around my ankle. I look down at the grizzly thing protruding from the dirt. With a flex of my ankle, the fingers snap off, freeing me. _Nice try._ I drop onto my knees and phase my arm through the ground. When I locate what I'm looking for, I withdraw it and crumble the spine up, letting the dust fall. I rise and take stock of the area. The rest of the crew, with the exception of Sebastian and his pristine armor, are dusting themselves off. The threat appears to have passed. I wipe my palms on my pants and walk over to Hawke.

"Good, now we can't say we weren't ready when we get to the big bad." My beloved grins widely and strolls into the cave.

I roll my eyes, but I'm not bothered by her optimism. It's just a bit over the top. _These things couldn't kill the fleas that bite the varterral._

Naturally, Merrill's thoughts spill out of her mouth again as we make our way down the passage. "If I get the eluvian to work, I wonder where it will show me…"

I narrow my eyes. "A demon's nest?" I know full well that I shouldn't instigate her but I do it anyway, unable to resist.

"It is possible." Sebastian agrees, giving me an approving look.

Merrill huffs and picks up her pace. "You boys just don't understand. But I don't expect you to. I mean, how could you? Neither of you are Dalish or connected to the Fade."

"Sure." Hawke nods sympathetically. "We don't all have to agree. What's important is that we're helping each other."

 _It would honestly be more surprising if we did all agree…_

We descend some carved stone stairs just as a horde of giant spiders drop from the ceiling. Wasting no time, I leap forward and thrust my sword toward the wasp spider that landed directly in front of me. The creature violently swipes its head to the side, knocking my blade away with its mandibles. It then charges and rams me against the wall, clamping a hold on my waist. Fortunately for me, my arms are unhindered, and I impale the spider straight through to the ground. Green blood spills out, soaking the ground, as it screeches and rears away. I pull my blade back and hack the head off with one last stroke. Behind me, I hear a cry of pain. When I turn, Sebastian is on his knees clutching a sizzling goo covered face.

"MAKER HELP!" Sebastian swipes at the toxic substance, but this only serves to spread the agony.

 _Kaffas! Venom! He could go permanently blind!_ I rush to the center of the horde and growl at the top of my lungs, drawing the attention of every spider. "HAWKE! GET TO SEBASTIAN!"

"On it!" She yells back and runs up the stairs to his side.

I swing my sword in circle, turning with tornado of slashes to the creatures surrounding me. They reel backwards a few feet, providing me with the space I need. I leap into the air and slam my sword down, slicing two spiders in half and sending a few others stumbling to the sides. The creatures are then blasted into pieces by a wave of blood magic. I glance back at Merrill through the arachnid carnage and see the blood spilling from her palm. Her knife is held out beside her, dripping, and her eyes are furious. I keep my weapon drawn until she shakes her head and sheathes her dagger. _That was concerning._ It isn't that I didn't expect her to use it, she usually does, it's just that the attack had been more devastating than before, and she had looked almost devilish. Still, a moment later, she's running to Sebastian's side, looking as innocent as ever. I climb the steps and join the group. The archer is catching his breath and blinking profusely.

"It's still fuzzy." Sebastian says, a note of panic in his voice.

"Sit still." Hawke steadies his shoulders. "Open your eyes wide. Try not to blink." A green glow shines from her palm, and she brings it slowly in front of his eyes. "There. _See_ if that's better." Her nose crinkles with amusement at her pun.

The rogue looks around and blinks slowly. A grin fills his face. "Hawke, thank you! It is possible that I see better now than I did before! I am forever in your debt. The Maker has certainly blessed you incredible healing ability."

I survey his face; the skin is smooth and flawless as usual. There are no traces of the acidic venom anywhere. My eyebrows rise. "You did an excellent job. I can't even tell it happened."

Hawke shrugs. "I'm no Anders, but I tried." She elbows Sebastian in the shoulder. "Couldn't just let something spoil your pretty face."

Reflexively, I cross my arms. Regardless of it being true, I'd prefer not to listen to her complementing another man.

Catching my movement, Hawke continues, "You probably aren't bad looking to someone who's into humans."

 _Sure. Nice save._ I roll my eyes but appreciate the sentiment.

It's then that Merrill sobers up. She covers her mouth and approaches the body of an elven man that lays splayed near us. "Radha… Falon'Din guide you, lethallan."

Hawke stands up and walks over to her. "What were the hunters doing in here?"

"The Keeper would have sent them to recover elven artifacts from the varterral before the camp had to move again." Merrill explains, sorrowful.

 _Another of the clan fallen. I can't imagine the artifacts would be much safer under the guard of an unpredictable creature._ _This death seems unnecessary._

Hawke gives Merrill an appalled look. "So, your Keeper sent them to their deaths?"

 _Essentially, yes._

"No. Normally they the Dalish come and go as we please. Something must have provoked it." As Merrill looks up she spots another familiar corpse. Her eyes become glossy as she runs to the elf's side. "Why did this happen?" She sniffles. "Oh, Harshal… I'm so sorry. I'll tell Ineria for you…"

 _Kaffas. This has been a slaughter._

Hawke places a sympathetic hand on Merrill's shoulder and leads her away from the bodies. "This is awful. Let's go take care of the monster that did this."

Merrill falls silent, but it is clear that her mind is working rapidly.

As we continue through the cave, it isn't long before yet another Dalish is found dead. "Chandan!" Merrill exclaims. "Tread carefully, lethallan. May the Trickster never find you in the beyond." She stumbles backwards a couple of steps before dropping to her knees and hanging her head. "All I ever wanted was to protect them… and now they've all been dying in my absence…"

"You couldn't have known." Hawke drops to the ground beside her. "This isn't because you left."

"I don't believe you. If there was chance of me protecting them…" Merrill sighs. "We should get their clan amulets to the Keeper. Their families should know they died bravely."

 _Bravely yes, but also unnecessarily._ I shake my head.

Sebastian frowns. "I'm sorry Merrill. That is an excellent idea, a kind gesture that will mean a great deal I'm sure."

 _I'm surprised he restrained himself from pointing her to the Maker and away from the elven gods._

The blood mage sniffles, standing. "Come on. There nothing we more we can do for them." She says, pitiful.


	35. Eroding Bonds

**I know my posting days have been really wonky lately, I'm sorry about that! College is quite irritating. But, I am still here and still Dragon Age obsessed, don't worry!**

 **Please enjoy this chapter and we'll be getting back to some humor shortly ;)**

* * *

(9) Kingsway 19th

We somberly follow Merrill, knowing the truth in her words. The journey through the caverns is silent, except for the fall our feet on the stone.

The quiet is disrupted by heavy breathing and the sound of a person running. There is a brief pause followed by some scuffling, but the perpetrator does not appear.

"Is someone there? It's safe, you can come out." Hawke says kindly.

A breath is heard being drawn and then an elf with spiked ginger hair steps out from hiding. "Hello?" He looks Hawke up and down before sighing with relief and moving towards her. "Praise Andras—I mean the Creators. I thought I'd never get out of—" His eye dart to Merrill as she runs up to him excitedly. "Merrill?!"

Sebastian looks at me with hopeful eyes and whispers "Andraste?"

I don't humor him with a response.

"Aneth ara, Pol! Are you hurt?" She asks, surveying her former clan mate.

Pol gives her a horrified look and jumps backwards. "Stay back! What do you want from me?!"

 _Huh, a proper reaction to a maleficar._

Confused, Merrill raises her eyebrows. "Pol, what's wrong? I'm here to help!"

"Stay back! Don't touch me!" The elf begins backing away, hostile.

Hawke moves between the two Dalish. "Merrill couldn't hurt you if she tried. At worst, she might make frowny faces." She jests, attempting to ease the tension the only way she knows how.

 _She's fooling no one. Well, Carver would fall for it, but he isn't here._

"She'll do worse than hurt me! Don't you know what she is?" Pol shivers and takes off running further into the cave. "Creators, help me! Someone, please!"

I exhale. _And another runs straight towards his death._

"Pol no!" Merrill shouts desperately after him. She turns to Hawke, her face fearful. "We have to catch him! Hurry!"

The four of us chase the man down some stairs into a large clearing. When he reaches the center, he looks around franticly and then freezes dead in his tracks. Horror appears on his face.

My eyes follow his, landing on a monstrous creature that can only be the varterral. Its elongated body hangs high above us upon its five foundational legs. The other two scaled appendages are held to its chest, poised to strike.

 _Kaffas! That's bigger than anticipated!_ I draw my blade but hold my position, awaiting the monster's move.

The varterral shuffles forward, slamming its legs on the ground with each step and causing the ground to shake. It snaps its wide jaws vehemently.

Pol screams and falls onto his back, trying in vain to gain distance.

"Hold on Pol! We're coming!" Merrill shouts. She looks around franticly but knows there is no way to get to the elf without going through the beast.

Then the varterral is right over Pol. Merrill shrieks and slams her dagger into her palm. She charges forward, blood hanging in the air around her like a shield. Her eyes are wild and full of fury. "Get away from him! You've taken enough!"

Before she can reach it, the creature impales Pol with a front leg and flings him into a wall of the cave.

"NO!" Merrill lifts herself off the ground with a burst of blood magic. She flings her arm out, releasing a pulse of elements that knocks the beast to the ground.

 _While helpful, that level of unpresented power from a maleficar is not comforting._

Merrill falls from the air with a gasp as the blood around her is used up.

Legs flailing dangerously, the varterral fights to regain its ground. I charge towards it, avoiding a spearing. I push off the ground and leap atop the creature, plunging my sword into its exposed midsection. Three arrows whiz past me, striking a disfigured scaled head. Turning my blade, I grip the rough skin with my feet to avoid being thrown off. A fireball erupts against one of the giant legs, blasting it in half. Before the varterral can move to hide its injury, I run the length of its stomach, slicing the lining of it as I go. It flips over, regaining a standing position, and I crash into the rock beneath it. Blood pours from the gaping hole I carved moments ago, drenching me. Grinning, I wipe it from my eyes. _It won't last long now!_ I rush the leg adjacent to the missing one and begin hacking at it. The creature hisses and lashes out, striking my chest. My body is tossed past Hawke. When I land, I feel a crushing in my chest as several ribs snap. I cough and spit out some of the varterral's blood.

"Fenris! Are you hurt?!" Hawke shouts, twisting around to look at me.

"No. Keep attacking." I jump to my feet and charge back into the fray.

With two synchronized blasts of magic, the beast topples to the ground for the second time. I seize this opportunity and cross the distance to its head. Dropping my weight into my blade, I chop the monsters neck cleanly in half. It gives a final twitch before falling limp. I straighten up and wipe some of the carnage from my face. _I take pride in having assisted in the slaying of such a creature!_

"Pol!" Merrill dashes past me, dropping to the dirt next to the body of her friend. He lays awkwardly askew upon the ground, a large pool of blood circling his head. "Maybe it's not too late! Hawke, you can save him, can't you?!" Her voice trembles on the last word as horror settles over her.

I advert my eyes. _He's gone._

Hawke covers her mouth and doesn't move any closer, tears filling her eyes. "I… I'm sorry Merrill… I don't know how… It's too late…"

"Why did you run? You shouldn't have run!" Merrill grabs the elf's hand and holds it gingerly between hers as she begins to weep.

"There wasn't anything you could have done." Hawke says sorrowfully.

Giving Hawke a bewildered look, Merrill begins, "He was more afraid of me than the varterral…" She releases his hand, placing it upon his chest, and scoots away from him. "Pol wasn't like the others. He was city-born. Worldly. He ran away from the Denerim and found us. I thought if anyone would understand, he would. This… something is very wrong." She shakes her head fearfully and rises shakily to her feet. "I want to see the Keeper."

 _How was he supposed to understand? Has anyone ever seen anything good come from blood magic? Fear of the maleficar drove this man to his death!_

"Of course." Hawke moves to her side and places an arm around her shoulders, guiding her away from the bloodshed.

"He did appear to have believed in the Mak—" Sebastian begins, but Hawke silences him with an icy glare.

The two mages walk ahead of us a small distance.

Sebastian raises an eyebrow at me, questioning what he did wrong.

I sigh. "Somehow, I don't think it will help the situation to cause doubt about the security of her friend with the elven gods." _This is not my area. I'm here for combat. Not interpersonal relations. I hate all of this. That man would still be alive if we hadn't ventured down here with… her._ I set my jaw and turn my attention to the path, ending the dialogue.

We walk for a while before Merrill begins again. "Pol… what was he thinking? He acted like I was monster…"

"You are a monster." I meant for it be a murmur, but the words define themselves and reach everyone's ears. _Venhedis._

Merrill whimpers and begins walking faster.

Hawke rakes me with a furious stare but then softens it and just waves it away. Thankfully, she understands my continued bitterness towards blood mages.

I wait for the 'And you said _I_ wasn't helping!' comment from Sebastian, but it never comes. _A moment to be grateful for Sebastian, who is apparently not as much of an asshole as Anders._

We wind our way back though the tunnels of the cave at a brisk pace, Merrill clearly wanting to escape this place and the bodies of her clan mates. "The way everyone looked at me in the camp when we arrived… What have they been saying about me?" Merrill asks no one in particular. "They must think I'm worse than the Blight!"

 _You knew there would be repercussions to striking a deal with a demon. Unless you're completely daft._

"No one thinks that." Hawke attempts.

Merrill refuses to look at any of us and just keeps walking, all the while talking to herself. "I've never hurt the clan! They have no reason to be afraid of me. None of this makes any sense."

 _Plenty of blood mages haven't done anything to me. That doesn't make them innocent. And it doesn't make my hatred of them nonsensical._

We emerge from the cave and make our way across camp and over to the Keeper.

Hawke nods to the Keeper, resuming her veneer of playful indifference. "The varterrel is dead!"

A slight smile appears on Marethari's face. "Ma serannas. I'll breathe easier knowing that we will lose no more people to it."

Head bowed low, Merrill holds out the clan amulets to the Keeper. "We found these."

"I'll return them to their families." Marethari tells her, with a slight cold edge to her voice.

Merrill looks up. "We lost Pol. In the cave, he… he fled at the sight of me, straight into the varterral."

"Many of the clan fear you'll bring back the corruption – or worse – from the mirror." The Keeper states, unapologetic.

 _Of course there would be a possibility of something like that…_

Narrowing her eyes, Merrill's voice takes on a challenging tone. "And where did they get that idea?"

Marethari stands straight, unwavering. "I am their Keeper, da'len. It was my duty to warn them. It's still not too late for you to return to us. Reconsider—there's no need for you to live alone." Her tone softens, like a mother trying to calm an angry child.

"Must we go over this again? You'll never accept what I'm doing." The blood mage scowls.

As the last hope of her First returning to her fades, Marethari's face falls. "The eluvian is a trap. It cost us Tamlen. It led you to blood magic. Will you let it twist you further from who you really are?"

Merrill crosses her arms. "And who am I?" She cocks her head to the side, set in her intentions. "We've done as you asked. Honor our bargain. Give me the arulin'holm."

"Hawke—because Merrill won't listen, I give this heirloom of my clan to you for safekeeping. Please… don't let her do this." The Keeper hands the blade to Hawke and immediately turns and departs from us.

 _Is there a chance Hawke will keep it from her? This is clearly not something that ought to be toyed with._

Joy fills Merrill's face and she gives a little bounce. "Thank the Creators! I thought… maybe she'd go back on her word."

Hawke holds the artifact tightly at her side, her mind working quickly. "Is it worth restoring this mirror if it turns your clan against you?"

"You know what's it's like to lose everything, Hawke." Merrill's eyes trace the grass at her feet. "Not just our land and freedom, but history, stories, language, magic, rituals. Even our gods are gone! It is a sacrifice, but if the mirror restores even one fragment of the past, it's worth it." Her words are filled with conviction.

Hawke presses her fingers to the bridge of her nose. "Don't know Merrill… I couldn't live with myself if I saw this further ruin your life… or even get you killed."

"Hawke, it belongs to _my_ clan. I'm going to use it to help my people. You must give it to me!" Merrill pleads with her.

Unable to stand idly by, I speak up. "Don't do this. Don't give it to her. The mirror was the reason she became a maleficar. It must have her under some kind of a thrall. None of this is safe. You are correct in fearing for her life."

"I can't help but agree with Fenris. Blood magic is not something that should ever be condoned." Sebastian adds, his tone low and respectful.

Turning to glare at us, Merrill clenches her fists. "It's none of your business. Besides, if I don't get the mirror working then all of this will have been for nothing. I will have lost my clan and turned to this kind of magic with nothing to show for it. I can handle this." She turns her searching eyes to her fellow mage. "Hawke. Please give it to me."

"Merrill… I believe that you think you can handle it. I know you only want the best for everyone and that your intentions are pure… But, I love you, you're one of my dearest friends. I couldn't bear to see this corrupt you. If you became an abomination—" Hawke is cut off.

"That's not going to happen. I wouldn't let it." Merrill takes Hawke's hand, fear in her eyes. "Please don't do this. Don't keep this from me. It is one thing I've wanted in my entire life. I gave up all of this and went to live in the slums of the Alienage for this cause. Don't make it be for nothing. Please." Tears spill over the rims of her eyes.

 _Hawke can't stand to see suffering. She'll give it to her._

"Wouldn't you rather have wasted effort than lost your life?" Hawke asks, her voice strangled with emotion.

"No. This is worth any personal loss."

Hawke bites her cheek and looks up to dry her watering eyes. "I know you're strong. Merrill, I trust you with my life! But right now… I don't trust you with yours. I can't lose anyone else. I just can't!"

Pulling her hand away, Merrill's eyes widen with betrayal. "So… you're keeping it?"

"Don't hear what I'm not saying! You aren't a monster, you deserve to uncover the history of your people, and I love you! It's this, this dark magic that's the problem. It is too dangerous. I…" Hawke straightens up and gains composure. "I will not give you this and take a chance of losing you. I'm sorry, but that's how it is."

Merrill's face reddens and her lip trembles. "You've lost me already." Then she turns and runs through the camp, disappearing from view as her sobs overtake her.

The blood drains from Hawke's face and her shoulders begin to tremble. "Maker… I am the shittiest friend."

"For looking out for her?" I meet Hawke's eyes sincerely. "All you've ever done is what you thought was in everyone's best interests." _Even if it is frequently the wrong decision, that motive is pure. And this time, it was certainly the right call._

"Well, being a good person sucks then." Hawke attempts a smile.

"I don't recall saying that it doesn't." I return her smile. "If it wasn't for you, I'd still be void of attachment and emotion, killing anything that looked at me wrong."

Encouraged by my words, Hawke giggles slightly. "I'm not sure you've gotten past that last part yet."

 _Maybe not completely._

Sebastian shuffles his feet awkwardly. "I believe you did the right thing. And Merrill is still your friend. It'll just take a bit for her to come around."

"Thanks." Hawke wipes her nose. "You're probably both right… it hurts though. She may as well have slapped me."

 _I know how that feels. I am no stranger to making a painful decision because I thought it was in the other person's best interest._


	36. Curious Token

**I will never get tired of Fenris and Anders bickering. Never. I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

(9) Kingsway 21st

"What do you want?" I demand of Anders, not bothering to look behind me at where he had entered the foyer.

I've been enjoying some silence, alone with my thoughts and the Mabari, while Hawke's been out. Until now. I had been grateful for Anders remaining in his room; now his presence is here to irritate me.

"I wasn't—what makes you think I want anything? Am I not allowed to walk about freely?" Anders huffs.

"No. You don't have a room. You are permitted to leave the room Hawke allows you to occupy. But you never do so without wanting something." I roll my eyes even though I know he can't see me.

The abomination walks around the chair to face me, his arms crossed. "Perhaps I was stretching my legs."

"Were you?" I raise an eyebrow at him. _No chance. He wants to talk about something. He's bored. I imagine you must need a rather dull mind to become such after a brief period of time, in a room full of things. Is there nothing in his brain for him to think about?_

Anders grumbles. "Well, no. But I could have been."

 _Not when you're as needy as you are._ "Mmmhmm. Out with it then." _Let's just get this over with._

"You don't have to make this so difficult. We could carry on a conversation like civil beings you know." He scowls.

"No, we cannot." _I hate everything you are and represent. And you do not have an understanding of me in the slightest, nor do you wish to gain it._ "Well? Either spit it out, or leave."

Anders concedes, leaning against the large fireplace. "Do you think Hawke's in the Alienage right now?"

This catches me off guard. _He actually wants to talk and not just ask for something? Huh. Not convinced that's any better._ "It is possible. She didn't say."

"I know things are strained between her and Merrill right now. I wasn't there, but she told me. I bet she's trying again to patch things up." Anders shrugs.

"Uh-huh." My eyes return to the fire. _As much as I would like to gossip with you, I'll pass._

Not taking the hint of my disinterest, Anders continues. "It's good she didn't give her that damned thing. Merrill isn't exactly the epitome of good decision making."

I snort with amusement. _And you are? Funny, you can say something I agree with, and I still I want you to shut up._

"No matter how many times I've tried to talk some sense into that girl, she doesn't listen. I warned her that blood magic is the very thing that makes us so feared. It's a weakness. She's so thick-headed. Always going on about not minding if I don't believe in her." Anders shakes his head, frustrated.

"You actually tried lecturing her? That was futile." I reply, more entertained by this than anything.

Anders drums his fingers on the mantle. "So is trying to heal a mortal wound, but I do it anyway. Same thing really."

 _That's… an interesting point. Still, I don't see the validity._ I move my eyes to the mage. "How is offering a dying person a last flicker of hope, albeit unfounded, the same as telling someone something they already should know and clearly don't want to hear?"

The blonde man clears his throat and continues. "It's not so much in what I do, it's why. I try to save the person because it's my duty to. I'm a healer. With Merrill, I don't know that I was trying to redeem her exactly, but it felt like my duty, as a fellow mage, to explain to her the reason what she was doing was wrong."

 _That's fair, I suppose._ "I see. Well, I can't say I'm not glad someone else tried to dissuade her. One would think that her hearing the same warnings from her entire clan and the majority of us would cause her to take pause." I pop my knuckles. "But, I can't exactly expect a logical response from a person consorting with demons in the first place."

"I don't know that I've ever seen Merrill make a logical decision." Anders snickers. "She seems to work on impulse. You know what that's like, don't you?"

 _Ha ha. I think through most of my decisions, these days._ "As opposed to being emotional, like you?" I smirk.

Anders rolls his eyes. "I, am charming and sensitive. Ladies love that."

 _Says the man who sleeps alone in a closet._ "Clearly." I laugh at the absurd claim that he seems to believe. _Only if charming means irritating. Sensitive sure, he whines about everything. That's why the feathers on his shoulders are so big, they're full of feelings._

"You don't have to believe me for it to be true!" Anders gestures with his hand, his tone amused. "I'll have you know I've been with lots of women, and men."

I grimace. _Ew._

He narrows his eyes at me. "What?"

"Just the thought of someone actually wanting you to touch them," I tell him plainly.

Anders snorts. "I could say same thing about—" He starts laughing, and his words trail off.

"Apparently not." I raise my eyebrows. _What, is his type things that breathe? How disgusting._

The door to the mansion opens, and Hawke steps inside. A grin forms on her face as soon as she sees us both here and Anders laughing. "It's a miracle! You guys are getting along!"

I scowl. "No. I actually just insulted him." _Kaffas._

Hawke snickers and looks to Anders.

He shrugs. "It's true."

"Eh, still better than finding one of you smashed into my wall." Hawke smiles and walks over to where I sit. "Fenris, do you want to come upstairs with me? I have something I'd like to show you."

"Of course." I stand and follow her. _Anything is more interesting than what I was doing. Well, most things._

When we enter her room, she sets down the bag she was carrying and reaches into it. "I have something for you."

 _A gift? How unexpected._ I glance at the red ribbon on my wrist. _I should probably get her something... She's already given me so many things. What would she like? I should ask Isabela. And then run it by Varric to make sure she wasn't lying._

Hawke places the item in my hands, and I turn it over. "It… it's a book." I look up at Hawke, confused. _Fasta vass. She doesn't know. I hadn't realized she didn't…_

"Glad to see that your eyes are still working." She winks at me, excited about this gift. "It's a subject you're familiar with. The book is by Shartan, the elf who helped Andraste free the slaves. You know about him, right?"

 _Oh, interesting! That's actually something I'd love to know more about. Why does it have to be books?_ "A little… It's just…" _How embarrassing._ I sigh and walk across the room to look out her window. _I have to tell her. But now she's going to feel bad for me again. Venhedis. And, I'm going look pathetic. Yet again, my past gets to damage my present._ I turn back towards Hawke, and her eyes are wide with worry. _She probably thinks she's offended me by bring this up._ I exhale. _Out with it._ "Slaves are not permitted to read. I've never learned."

Hawke's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "I hadn't even thought about that… Maker, I would have never brought this up if I realized! I'm so stupid." She smacks herself in the forehead.

"I never told you. It isn't your fault." I walk back over to where she stands, near the bed, and hand her the book.

She pushes it back towards me. "Well, it isn't too late to learn, Fenris. I could teach you."

"Isn't it? Sometimes I wonder." I sigh. _I don't exactly want the woman I love teaching me, like I'm some child. But… I would like to be able to read. It would be convenient to actually be able to do research. At the same time, she has enough to do without bothering with something as ridiculous as this._ "I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I do appreciate the thought. I've always wanted to learn more of Shartan. Your choice in book was certainly a good one." I take a breath. "Perhaps this is my chance."

"If that's the case, I'd love to teach you. It would also give us something different to do. Might be fun." She beams brightly at me.

 _She took that so easily. As if it wasn't horribly demeaning and frustrating._ I smile in return. "Alright then. We can give it a try." _I appreciate so much the way she can overlook all the crap in my life and still want to be with me._ "You're such a remarkable woman. Thank you for offering to do that." I step closer and kiss her lightly on the cheek before opening the book and glancing inside it as if nothing had happened.

Hawke looks over my arm at the text. "We probably shouldn't start with this. It _might_ be a little difficult. I can read some of it to you if you'd like, but for our first lesson, let's just start with letters and easy things."

 _We're going to begin already? How… sudden._ "Yes, that would make more sense." I agree. _This will be so strange._ "I realize it doesn't help much with this, but I can recognize a handful of Tevene words and things such as 'mage' in this tongue."

"Cool! I don't know any Tevene, so you have me beat there." Hawke replies, clearly pleased by this opportunity.

 _Perhaps, we could both offer something to make this more of a trade._ After a pause, I put forth, "In exchange, I could teach you some. It might be useful to be able to speak a few words of it."

"That would be really great! Then I can know what it is you're always mumbling about." She eagerly accepts the proposition.

I snort with amusement. "Ah, well, that's mostly profanity."

"Hot." She giggles. "You know, I actually assumed that. What does _kaffas_ mean?" The word is over enunciated and sounds hilariously out of place from her mouth.

"Shit." I tell her. _She's not going to learn any actually useful words, I can tell already._

Hawke nods. "That's funny. I'm not used to hearing you just straight up say that."

"I've always been accustomed to Tevene. I tend to revert back to it, more so when I'm angry." I explain. "It feels off to swear like that."

She leans her weight against the footboard of her bed. "That's understandable. And it sounds badass, so win-win."

"Somehow, I doubt that." _It sounds like exactly what it is, that I'm an elf from Tevinter. And that comes with the correct negative connotations._

"No, I'm serious. I really like it. Not only is it really interesting, it reminds me how much smarter you are than the rest of us." Hawke trails her fingers down my arm. "You're completely fluent in two languages. I only know this one, and you speak it with twice the eloquence that I do."

 _Hmm… I hadn't considered that._ "I picked this language up out of necessity, to blend in and survive outside of Tevinter. I suppose it may have been a better fit for me."

"Maybe so." Hawke straightens up and moves towards the door. "Let's go to the library. I don't have many other books in here."

I begin to follow her but halt. _I could do without Anders knowing what we're doing. He would hound me about this to no end._ "I… would prefer to remain in here for our lessons."

"Oh, of course! This is our thing anyway. It's nobody else's business, especially not Anders'. My lips are sealed!" She nods vigorously.

 _As much as she believes that now, Hawke saying her lips are sealed is never convincing._ I raise an eyebrow. "So, you aren't going to rush to the Hanged Man to tell Varric the next chance you get?"

"Uh…" Her forehead wrinkles with distress. "Well, no. I won't if you don't want me to."

 _Sure sure._ I roll my eyes. "Hawke."

"What?"

"Don't make promises you can't keep when you're drunk." I lean against the footboard.

Hawke holds up her hands. "That's fair. I will try my best not to tell anyone. But I will say that you're teaching me Tevene, because that's really cool."

I snort. "Alright." _Perhaps it won't come up. It will. But hopefully not._

"I'll be right back then, with a bottle of wine and a few reading materials. You're welcome." Hawke winks at me. "I know how to make you happy." Then she pulls the door open and disappears out it.

 _Happy… I haven't really ever thought much about happiness. Misery yes, and the absence of it. But I've never paid attention to or sought out happiness the way most people do. I've been so focused on survival and doing what is necessary that my thoughts have remained there, even now that my life isn't at stake ever moment. I suppose it makes sense; why would I need to be concerned with self-actualization when my basic needs hadn't been met. All my life that I can remember, until a few years ago, vigilance and tactfulness where all that counted. Hmm… yet I've remained in that same mindset. It has been increasingly difficult for me to adjust this more normalized life and that's why. I keep living as if I'm still that runaway slave praying to wake up a free man._

I begin to pace. _Things are different now. It doesn't have to be that way. I'm allowed to find things that I enjoy and seek… happiness. I have Hawke. That is certainly on the right track. She's the first, and only thing, I've ever needed. If I could somehow sort out all the memories and put the past behind me… fix the mess I've made of us… then maybe I could be…_


	37. Overdue Reconciliation

**Isn't it time that some things got repaired? :) I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

(9) Kingsway 21st

Hawke reenters the bedchamber, her arms loaded with papers and books, the bottle of wine balanced on top. She makes her way over to the bed and drops the stuff in a heap. I join her to look at what she's brought.

 _I have to make things right. There's no need to live under the fear from before. Hawke is everything to me, and she must know that._

She turns towards me, surveying my face. "You look stressed; what's on your mind?" She frowns.

 _Even if it hurts to try… I have to._ I close the distance between us and glide my thumb gently across her cheek before sliding my hand into her hair. I glance at her lips and then smile at her.

"Um…" She takes a startled breath, her cheeks tinge pink. "Uh, what's on your mind?"

"You." I press my lips to hers and pull her to me, kissing her deeply and slowly. She places her hands gently on my chest and leans into me. My other arm wraps around her waist, drawing her body flush against mine.

After a few moments Hawke pulls back slightly, her eyes wide. "What are you doing?"

"Hawke, _you_ make me happy. Not bringing me wine. I love you, and that is what matters. No, that doesn't instantly fix everything, but it is the reason I want to try." I tell her seriously.

She nods, choked up. "I… love you too. And want that too." She manages.

Smiling, I run my fingers lightly up and down her back. _This time I won't be an idiot and fuck this up._

"So… does that mean, I get to start kissing you again?" Hawke asks with a giggle.

 _I'm just as happy about it as you are._ I smirk. "Yes." Before the word is even finished, she grabs my tunic and forcefully pulls me into another kiss. We lose our balance and fall onto the floor, nocking several things off the end table. The land with a loud thud. This doesn't faze us. She hooks her leg around my hip, and I part her lips with mine. I slide my hand down to grip her butt and keep her close. Hawke bites playfully at my lip and shifts her body on top of mine, her legs straddling me, our chests pressed together. My markings flare brightly to life, shining clearly through my clothes.

"What was that noise—what the—" Stammers Anders' voice from the doorway.

I break the kiss and release my hold on Hawke just long enough to sneer and hold up my middle finger to the abomination. _I can't say that isn't satisfying._

"Close the damn door!" Anders grumbles, pulling it shut with a slam.

Hawke sits up and yells after him. "Sorry! I forgot you were the boss of me!" She sasses.

I chuckle and shake my head. "Perhaps now he'll be more apt to leave us in peace."

"Doubt it. If there's any change, it'll be from him telling Isabela and her looking through the window. Much to her disappointment I'm sure." Hawke snickers, standing to her feet and offering her hand to pull me up.

 _I certainly made the right decision. Hawke understands exactly what I need this to be, for now. She always continues to amaze me._ "Is she ever not disappointed by our relationship?"

"Hmm…" Hawke thinks for a moment. "I think she likes the way it fuels her humor."

"Ah, like a certain nameless dwarf whose initials are Varric?" I jest.

She nods. "Indeed, indeed. The very same. Although, we could give them _something_ to talk about."

"I believe we just did." I lean back against the bed, crossing my arms.

Hawke twists her lips mischievously. "I know… but like… something a little more public?"

I narrow my eyes at the beautiful mage. "Somehow, I don't think you need to give Aveline another reason to be disappointed in you." I jest.

Hawke gasps, feigning offence. "I am never disappointing! Well… except for to all those people who I accepted quests from and then immediately forgot what we had just talked about…"

"Mmmhmm." I roll my eyes _. If Aveline has nighty-nine problems, Hawke is most of them._

She places her hands on her hips. "I am perfectly reasonable, and Aveline couldn't be more proud of how I've grown as a person."

 _Oh, Hawke. She will always take the opportunity to push her luck._ I lightheartedly shove her shoulder. "Well, are you teaching me to read or not?"

After a scowl, she nods and picks up a sheet of paper off the bed. "I'm going to do my best but be warned, I helped Carver learn. And you see how he turned out."

"Carver can read?" I raise an eyebrow.

At this, Hawke bursts out laughing, covering her mouth. "I love it when you're funny. It's refreshing." She looks at me sweetly.

"I'm a funny guy." I shrug.

This elicits another bought of giggles from her. "I've noticed." She winks. "I'm going to have to up my game to stay ahead of you. Remember? In this dark comedy, you're the dark, and I'm the comedy."

I raise my eyebrows. "Ah, so you've given up on this being a romance then?"

Her eyes widen, pale cheeks flushing a brighter red. "I- no- I didn't- No!"

Taking her hand in mine, I smile. "I'm kidding."

Hawke grins in return and leans down to rest her head on my shoulder. "I'm so glad to get back to this. I could lie to myself every day, but I could never get over you. You're just… you're the love of my life, Fenris. And I'm going to be in love with you for the rest of it."

"I feel just as strongly about you Hawke. You're just a bit better at all this than I am." I trace my thumb in circles across the back of her hand. "But, I promise it will be different this time. I'm not afraid of my feelings for you any longer."

She gives a slight nod and squeezes my hand. "Still, don't feel like you have anything to prove to me. I don't expect anything from you. If you ever need another break, or space, just tell me. I understand."

"Thank you." I press a kiss to her forehead. _I could never be with anyone else. The Maker must have had a hand in pulling us together… There's no other way I could have ever found someone like Hawke._

* * *

As it turns out, learning how to read is horrible. The letters all look the same, the sounds the letters make often have nothing to do with how to actually say the word, and what I can read in one person's writing, I can't read at all in another's. It's a maddening exercise of my thin patience. Still, I persevere and channel my rage through my fist into the wall, rather than via scathing remarks to Hawke. True, this is her fault, but she's doing it as favor to me and she's working really hard. She doesn't deserve the string of profanity I want to fling at her at every given moment. As a result of the damages our surrounds receive, our lessons only take place in my mansion.

Every evening, after the various shenanigans Hawke gets us into, we return to the crumbling mansion and fail miserably in an attempt to turn me into some kind of scholar. This is fine with me; Hawke's estate is alright, but it's as pristine as those in Tevinter, thanks to Orana, and I find more comfort in worn places. Also, I spend an excessive amount of time there, with the abomination nearby, as it is.

In contrast, reading lessons themselves are not horrible. Hawke is an incredibly patient teacher and does an excellent job of redirecting us to work on Tevene when I get particularly irritated. Generally, the sessions also involve wine and freedom to kiss without the constant interruption of her estate, so that's a plus. We de-grimed one corner of my bed chamber, in which Hawke placed several pillows and declared it 'The Totally Only for Research Corner.' She somehow managed to convince everyone, even Isabela, that we just use my mansion to avoid disturbing her household by having sex. Why they believe her, I don't know. Does anyone actually have sex every day? It seems extremely unlikely.

As the days pass, reading does become easier. I start finding that I can decipher most of the signs throughout Kirkwall. It isn't a novel, but it's still encouraging and useful. Walls have begun to receive considerably less abuse since I've adapted to the feelings of fury reading tends to provoke. Hawke's begun saying things in Tevene to people, generally insults, and then refusing to explain what she said. Occasionally, it's actually funny. I tend to shrug and act like she was speaking a nonsensical string of words. Anyone who knows her isn't surprised to hear that.

The sense of normalcy the lessons bring to our lives is actually nice. It's something that's constant, and that I wanted and chose. Having this with Hawke gives me a place where I'm more than just one of the companions or a reassurance that she'll make it through the night. We both learn things and our bond grows. This passage of time has gained a meaning that my past has definitively lacked.


	38. Quixotic Tale

**I was just going to write Varric's personal quest... but then I thought this would be the way he would want it. Plus this was so much more fun XD**

 **Enjoy!**

(10) Harvestmere 15th

"Listen up, bitches!" Hawke shouts climbing up to stand on our table at the Hanged Man, drink in hand.

 _This ought to be good._ I scoot my chair backwards and cross my arms, prepared to intervene if – or rather when — it becomes necessary.

Hawke's call aroused the attention of about a dozen tavern patrons who have swiveled around to watch the spectacle.

As for our particular group, the response is quite varied. Isabela leans forward, giddy, her corset hardly containing her boobs' excitement. Merrill looks about confused and mouths, 'Bitches?' Ringing his hands until all the blood has left them, Sebastian gives me a wide-eyed glance and gulps. I shrug, offering him no assistance. _He decided to let her talk him into coming here, this is what he gets. We signed up for this, for some reason._

Chuckling, Varric waves Hawke away. "Get down Hawke, you're no good at telling stories anyway!"

She rakes him with an icy stare and pops her hip out to the side sassily. "Let me have this one, Varric. I think you'll like it." She clears her throat and then resumes her stage voice. "As I was saying… Attention bitches! Allow me to tell you the tale of one dashing Dwarf whose chest hair rivals the gods!"

 _Ah, so this is a Varric story. Thank the Maker it isn't about me this time. And Anders isn't here! This is actually pretty nice._

Isabela hollers with interest. "The chest hair, yes!" Merrill follows suit, not knowing what else to do. "He's a very good dwarf!"

Hawke nods to them appreciatively and turns her bottle up, taking a long pull before dropping it with a clatter onto the table. "Ah. Now, this very same afternoon, this majestic dwarf of legend reclaimed a _mansion_ from demons, trained warriors and assassins, raving lunatics, and dark magic!" She flicks her fingers and releases sparks in front of her. The crowd gasps and turns to give her their full attention.

 _And so, the theatrics begin._ My mouth curves into a half smile. I can't help but find her ridiculousness absolutely adorable.

"Should she be using magic in here?" Sebastian asks me in a rushed whisper.

I snort. "Should she be using it ever? If you want to try to stop her, be my guest."

He shakes his head and grips the arm rests on his chair.

"When he reached the intricate arching doors of the mansion, he kicked them – BAM!" Hawke stomps her foot on the table with a resounding noise. Several people in the audience flinch, spilling their drinks. "The door flies off its hinges and clatters to the ground! Our mysterious dwarf strides inside, crossbow glinting gorgeously in the pale light of the moon—"

"Oooo! Bianca's in this story!" Merrill claps her hands, thrilled.

Hawke grins and nods yes. "In the pale light of the moon. And the dwarf shouts, 'Honey, I'm home!' with a voice that would entice even the most chaste of maidens."

Isabela looks pointedly at Sebastian, smirking. He lets out a huff and scowls.

"Now his entrance had been so grand, that the dozens of skilled adversaries filling the room, were dumbstruck and speechless. They wanted to lay their weapons down and bow before the pillar of manliness before them! Yet they knew they could not, for they were bound to obey their psychopathic leader!"

The crowd gasps and looks up at her expectantly. People move closer, surrounding the table. Varric watches with a huge smile on his face.

"As the men charge the handsome dwarf, he fires a rain of arrows down upon them. The arrows fall with a precision never before executed, impaling all the adversaries right where they stood! At least twenty men fell dead in under a minute since the dwarf had stepped into the room!" She pauses for dramatic effect. "When our brave hero turned the corner, he was again faced with a myriad of formidable enemies."

 _Myriad, nice._

The audience gazes expectantly up at their entertainer.

"But fear not! He slew them with but a single arrow!" Hawke shouts, slinging her hands to the sides.

"No!" Exclaims Isabela.

I snicker. _People actually buy this line of nonsense?_

"Yes! The arrow struck them all straight through the skull and stuck firmly in the wall behind them, chunks of brain matter hanging from it! The dwarf had made such short work of the numerous, numerous, attackers that when he reached their loony boss, the psycho pleaded for his life! He told the valiant dwarf that he had just been jealous and envied the regalness that was… Varric Thethras!" Hawke swings her arms around and makes jazz hands above his head.

Her audience cheers loudly and Varric claps vigorously. Hawke hops of the table into his lap, he catches her and they both burst out laughing.

This makes me smile. _You couldn't forge a bond stronger than that. I was wrong in thinking Hawke had lost the family members that cared about her. She still has Varric._

Isabela reaches across and twirls a strand of Hawke's hair around her finger. "So, funny girl, can I buy you another drink? I think the table had most of that last one."

"No, no. I'm good!" Hawke assures her. "I've had just enough to have fun but not enough to make my boyfriend cross his arms and glare at me."

I cross my arms and glare at her but fall into a chuckle. _Good to know she's figured out how this works._

"Oooo!" Merrill pushes her chair back and jumps to her feet, her hands smooshing her cheeks.

Sebastian looks around, confused. "What?"

The crowd surrounding us disperses as we fall back into normal conversation.

The blood mage gives Sebastian an incredulous look and then shifts her gaze back to Hawke. "Hawke said 'boyfriend!' I haven't heard her say that since… I don't know if I've ever heard her say it! Don't look at me like that. I know her and Fenris have been together for a while now, I'm not stupid. It's just, if they're using that word, things must be going really well and that makes me really happy!" She grins broadly.

 _She and Hawke have clearly recovered from the bad blood magic between them. That's… good?_

Hawke looks at her warmly. "Astia valla femundis! You're right Merrill, I suppose we are. Thank you for noticing." She winks at me.

I nod in return, acknowledging my agreement. _Things have been working out phenomenally well._

Varric tips my mage out of his chair, a smile on his face. "Glad to hear it. Go sit in his lap then."

Rolling her eyes, Hawke begins, "Sure, that always goes so well-" she gasps as I stand up, put an arm around her waist, and drag her down onto my lap. Her surprise turns into a mischievous expression and she leans back against me, running a hand down my jaw.

Isabela stomps her feet loudly. "Ow ow! Take it off!"

I don't care if I look ridiculous, a tiny elf with a nearly six-foot-tall gorgeous woman making him look even smaller. I'm in love with Hawke, she's mine, and everyone should know that I'm proud of that. _She thrives off attention, won't hurt to indulge her a little._ I run my hand up her thigh and grab the material of her robes, bunching it up, as I press my lips to her neck.

"Maker no, I'm not looking!" Sebastian exclaims and scrambles away from the table.

"That's it." Isabela stands and moves over to us. "I'm taking you both to my room. Right now."

"Can I go too?" Merrill asks, eyes wide.

"NO!" Hawke, Isabela, and I all shout.

The pirate's head instantly snaps back to us. "The no was to her and not to me, right?"

Hawke snickers and gabs Isabela's hand, pulling her down onto her lap, further adding to our stack. "Isabela, Isabela, you know I don't share. But you can sit here, if you keep your hands to yourself."

"I would prefer not." I narrow my eyes. _Should have taken into account her being here before I did that…_

Varric claps his hands together. "Broody, they're going to tell stories for years about you being the damned luckiest elf to ever live."

 _Or the one who's patience was tried the most…_

Isabela snorts. "You know, if Anders was here, I bet he would try to sit in my lap!"

I lean forward slightly and look Isabela seriously in the eye. "He would be fucking dead."

At this, everyone, including Sebastian who was trying very hard to pretend he wasn't listening, bursts out laughing. Isabela and Hawke drop to the floor clutching their sides.

I raise an eyebrow. "What. It's true."

"Well, he'd only do that if he was pretending to be drunk again." Merrill snickers.

We all pause and turn to look at the maleficar. Hawke cocks her head to the side. "What do you mean, Merrill?"

The thin elf crinkles her eyebrows. "Anders can't get drunk. It's impossible because of Justice. I thought you all knew that? He just pretends so he won't be left out of the fun. I can't really blame him, I pretend to understand a lot of things so that I can fit in."

"WHAT?!" Hawke and Isabela lock eyes.

 _Fasta vass. That bastard! All those times he had his hands on Hawke, he wasn't even intoxicated! He knew full well what he was doing! Venhedis, and that time we all passed out in that room here... He just... Disgusting_. I pop my knuckles. "Hawke, get up. I think Anders and I need to have a conversation." _Although not so much with words._

Merrill's eyes widen with fear. "Oh no. I shouldn't have said something about that. Oh dear."

Hawke, standing to her feet and pulling Isabela up behind her, "So, what, you're telling me that time he tripped over a chair and refused to get up and just went to sleep on the floor... Was done sober?!"

Isabela's jaw hangs open. "I can't spell some of the things that man's done 'drunk.'"

 _That's it._ I force myself past the table, moving the flabbergasted women out of my way.

"Broody," Varric begins. I give him an impatient look. "Rub his face in it." The dwarf chuckles.

I smile darkly and nod.

"Wait, wait." Hawke places a hand gently on my arm. "Maybe there's been some misunderstanding. You could be mistaken Merrill. Perhaps, if we all went – together – and talked this out we could get a reasonable answer?"

The lot of us give her various disbelieving looks. _The answer is: he's still a dick._

"Alright, I'm in. You couldn't pay me to miss that conversation." Isabela grins.

"Then I'm going too!" Merrill laces her fingers with Isabela's. The pirate's cheeks redden slightly as if she was blushing.

Hawke nods. "Excellent! Let's just all go together." She looks pointedly at me. "And then maybe no one will have to die today."

I groan. _The jury is still out on that._

Varric decided to sit this one out, staying behind in the Hanged Man.

Our, generally merry, band of misfits makes its way to Darktown, seeking the irritating apostate. We locate him, unsurprisingly, in his clinic. His hands are busy at work, sorting herbs and wraps.

 _Why is it somehow safe for him to see patients here, but not for him to live here? That is completely preposterous. Ugh. I won't mention it though. I much prefer he be here as frequently as possible. And if they catch him, even better._

No one bothers to shut the door behind us as we enter. Hawke sweeps into the lead and leans her elbows on the table beside Anders.

"Hey there." Hawke begins in a casual, yet flirty tone.

Anders glances her way and smiles before returning to his inventory. "Hello, Hawke."

My mage bites her lip for a moment before continuing. "When was the last time you were just blackout drunk?" She giggles. "We've been exchanging stories and just had to know if you had any funny ones."

 _Oh, she's good at this. Manipulative little minx._ I smirk.

Merrill steps forward and begins to speak, but Isabela silences her with a finger to her lips and a wink.

Anders chuckles. "Hmm… it wasn't that long ago. You were there. And if I were blackout drunk, shouldn't one of you be telling me what stupid things I did?"

Hawke gives a dramatic eyeroll, landing her gaze on Isabela.

The pirate nods and joins them at the desk. Pressing her breasts against Anders' back as she looks over his shoulder, she feigns interest in his work. "So how does that work exactly?" She asks in a silky voice.

"How does what work?" Anders asks, straightening his back to lean against her.

Isabela trails her fingers along his arm. "Does Justice get drunk too? Or is he just there to chastise you, like Sebastian?"

In my peripheral vision, I notice the chantry man glare and cross his arms. _I'm surprised he even followed us here._

"Oh, that." Anders laughs. "I've told you, we're essentially the same now. We don't exactly just have conversations. What I do, he does."

Hawke nods and mirrors Isabela, stroking his other arm. "So, part of what we see when you get drunk is actually a drunk spirt?"

"Essentially." He runs his eyes down her. "How much have you had today?" He starts to lift his hand from the table, but Isabela stabs a knife through his sleeve, pinning it to the wood.

The pirate grabs his chin with her other hand and forces him to look at her. "Oh, you poor, stupid, boy. Haven't you learned not to lie to us yet?"

Anders stiffens, alarm filling his eyes. "What-"

Hawke cuts him off with a flaming ember dancing inches from his supplies. "Drop the act. You, are a liar. Justice makes it impossible for you to get drunk, and you know it."

"Yeah!" Merrill chides. "I told them."

Frowning, Anders begins to defend himself. "Alright, that's true. But it isn't a big deal. It was all in fun. What does it matter that I can't get drunk?"

I clear my throat and draw everyone's attention. "It matters because you are now far more accountable for your actions. Actions that were hardly excusable when intoxicated." I set my jaw and rest my palm on the hilt of my sword.

Isabela clucks her tongue. "I'm afraid the sexy one is right. You've acted very… uninhibited with us. And now, you've just admitted that it was all just perverted and sober."

The abomination begins to stammer, quite flustered. "Well I… It wasn't as if… I didn't do anything that bad!"

Merrill scrunches up her face. "That's not entirely true. You convinced me that Ser Pounce-a-lot was a real knight and that he could stand on his hind paws and use a sword. I felt so foolish when I ask someone if they'd heard of him. They laughed at me."

 _Now that, he would have done without pretending to be drunk._

Looking at Merrill, Isabela frowns and then cuts her eyes back to Anders. With a flourish, her second dagger is at his throat. "Now, that's just cold. I believe you'd like to give her an apology."

"Okay, okay! I lied, and I shouldn't have done that!" He gulps in a breath.

 _And unsurprisingly, he is not capable of actually apologizing. Even at knife point._

Hawke leans in closer, little sparks from her fingers leaping out to touch hand. "Listen, Anders." She takes on a condescending tone. "We're not angry. We're just disappointed."

Isabela clicks her tongue. "Actually, I am angry."

"As am I." I scowl.

Merrill looks around at all of us. "Um… I'm just disappointed I suppose."

"It won't happen again. I haven't been lying about anything else. This just didn't seem like it would matter. But it did and… I won't do it again." Anders pleads.

Hawke jerks her head backwards and Isabela releases him, the two ladies stepping away.

The pirate cracks her knuckles. "You get off easy this time. But don't for a second think it'll go so well the next time."

I glower. _We could have at least roughed him up a little bit…_

Our group moves towards the door and Hawke calls behind us as we exit the clinic. "Oh yeah, and Orana is no longer in charge of cleaning bath chambers. You will now have that pleasure." She gives me a sideways wink.

I grin and laugh. _Excellent._


	39. Irreverential Treachery

**Hey guys, Merry Christmas! I know this isn't the most cheery section for the holidays but I hope you enjoy it all the same XD**

 **I love ya'll, you're wonderful, and I pray that your Christmas be safe and merry! Thank you for the continued support and reviews! It means the world to me to be able to share this!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 17th

"I hope the Arishok hasn't gotten too attached to the viscount's son." Anders muses as we walk through the Qunari compound, clearly in earshot of at least five qunari.

I give him an incredulous look. _Why._ "Please, do talk a little bit louder. Perhaps they'll retrain you and make you a saarebas."

In a hushed voice, Hawke adds, "Hush. And remember, we're still mad at you."

Anders curls his lip but falls silent.

Shaking his head, Varric chuckles at our exchange.

After few moments, we reach the throne of the Arishok. He leans forward, an expression of irritation and mild interest on his face.

 _Here we go. I wish Hawke would allow me to do the talking. She's far less versed in their ways or cautious in the choice of her words._

Hawke takes a deep breath and begins. "I'm here about the viscount's son."

 _Well, at least they appreciate getting straight to the point._

"Are you?" The Arishok sniffs indignantly. "In four years I have made no threat, and fanatics have lined up to hate us simply because we exist. But despite lies and fear, bas still beg me to let them come to the Qun. They hunger for purpose. The son has made a choice. You will not deny him that."

Hawke leans into her hip. "Sure, but isn't that awfully convenient? For you."

I cringe. _Let's not straight up instigate him._

"Only a fool arms a captive. Viddathari make a free and educated choice." The Arishok states definitively.

Not picking up the agitation, or not caring, Hawke presses further. "Naturally. They weigh the options of either being killed or joining and then chose to join. Does that sound about right?"

 _Maker. We are going to have to fight them all._

Placing his clawed hands on his knees, the Arishok leans closer to us. "Lives, are short compared to 'eternity.' Death would be the obvious choice there were any truth to your beliefs. It doesn't matter. He chose the Qun in a time of peace. His life was not at risk. He is no prisoner. He is not even here. He went to his father. Ask the viscount why he would send you and a letter both."

Hawke's eyes widen. "He did what? That can't be right…"

 _This was a set up!_ I clench my hand into fists.

"They are meeting at the chantry. A last, pointless appeal, I assume." The Arishok waves his hand dismissively.

Anders scratches his head in confusion. "The viscount would involve the Chantry?"

Turning to him, her face furious, Hawke replies, "No. But we know just the bitch that fucking would."

"Mother Patrice." Varric shakes his head.

At the mention of the name the Arishok growls. "A suspect in many things. If she has threatened someone under my command again, there is only one response."

"Understandably so." I nod.

Hawke punches her palm. "I hate her so much."

"A threat against viddathari can have only one answer. I will suffer only one outcome. I will be watching, Hawke. The demand of the Qun is clear." The Arishok leans back in his chair, dismissing us.

We take our leave of the compound before Hawke lets loose her full exclamation. "Why am I even surprised?! It's just like her, sticking her fingers into every affair! That louse whore!" She doesn't bother waiting for a response and charges up the stairs leading out of the Docks.

Varric and I exchange a concerned glance before jogging to catch up with her.

The sun has set by the time we maneuver the city and make it to the Chantry. When we enter, a figure is visible knelt before the altar at the top of the stairs.

"Saemus." Hawke runs up the stairs and squats down beside him. "How long have you been here?" There's no reply. "Are you alright?" She places her hand on his shoulder and his form gives way, collapsing onto it's side. Hawke gasps and tears fill her eyes. "No!" She leans over him, searching for signs of breathing. "Saemus! Can you hear me?!"

Anders' eyes drop to the ground. "He's gone, Hawke. We weren't here in time."

"This is too far." I grit my teeth.

The sound of foot steps fill the room. "Serah Hawke, look at what you have done." Calls out Mother Patrice's smug voice from the floor below us. "To pounce on the viscount's son, a repentant convert, in the chantry itself? A crime with no excuse. Your Qunari masters will finally answer."

Her sorrow turning to pure rage, Hawke leaps to her feet and slams herself against the banister, glaring down at the unwelcome company. "YOU DID THIS! YOU MONSTER!" Tears drip onto her robes. "He was only sixteen! You murdered a child, for what?!"

"The faithful know this has been building for a long time. Where Varnell incited, I reminded, in sermon and prayer. When people learn of this attack, they will rise. Not zealots, or the unknowing, but the true majority," proclaims Mother Patrice with sadistic conviction.

Hawke sinks her fingernails into the banister, her face red with fury. "You ignorant slattern! This won't fix anything! This will only cause more death. On both sides." She grits her teeth.

 _I'm uncertain how much more of this Hawke's sanity can reasonably handle. She's seen so much unnecessary death in such a short period of time._ _Fasta vass._

Mother Patrice sniffs indignantly. "To die untested would be the real crime. People need the opportunity to defend faith. Starting with you." She turns to the group of men and women flanking her and raise her arms. "Earn your reward in this life and next! These heretics must die!"

"Do you even hear yourself when you talk?!" Hawke lets out a strangled growl of irritation and rips her staff from her back.

Drawing my sword, I nod to her that I have her back and charge down the stairs towards the radicals. Halfway down the first flight, I'm met by a rogue and warrior, and an archer fires upon me from the landing. I swat the first aside with a swing of my blade and phase my hand into the warrior's chest. I grab his ribcage and hurl him down the stairs into the archer. A dagger stabs through my calf. I bite my cheek and turn, plunging my sword into the rogue's abdomen and twisting it until the light leaves his eyes. When he's finished I withdraw my weapon and dash, much to the protest of my bleeding leg, to the foe struggling to crawl out from under his dead compatriot. I strike him the temple with the ball of my foot and he drops, motionless.

As I round the corner into the main sanctuary, my eyes lock onto another pair of archers firing at Hawke and the others. Within the moment, I'm upon them. I swing my sword, aiming for the nearest woman's head. She ducks, causing me to connect with her bow and slice it in half. Unfalteringly, she lashes out, smashing one of the wooden pieces into my cheek. I spit blood onto the ground and twist my sword back around, striking her in the chest with the pommel. When she stumbles backward, a fireball explodes between her and the other archer. They shriek as their armor goes up in flames. _Thank you, Hawke._

I spot a new target and begin towards him as a crossbow bolt plows straight through his face. _That works._ After another scan of the room, I realize that all the foes lay dead. I relax slightly and turn my eyes to Hawke. She twists her lips and marches down the stairs, the other two following, to join me.

"Where did Patrice slink off to?" Hawke asks no one in particular.

Varric shrugs. "Didn't notice. Too preoccupied with not getting killed."

I nod that I had done the same. Blood starts to pool around my foot, and I step out of it and shake my leg.

Hawke gawks at the wound and steps closer. "Fenris, are you alright?" Then her eyes snap to our 'healer.' "Anders, what the fuck?"

"Oh, right." His eyebrows knit together, and he squats down, passing a glowing hand across my calve. "He seemed fine."

"You had one job." I roll my eyes.

The muscles knit back together, and the bleeding stops entirely. _Just because I would have been fine doesn't mean it isn't inconvenient._

Looking around at the carnage filled Chantry, Varric chuckles. "Which one of us is going to explain this to Sebastian? I call not me."

I cringe. _Ugh, this is terrible. It was a result of necessity, but still…_

Hawke shakes her head. "He is going to lose his mind."

"Why isn't he here? Isn't this where he lives?" Anders asks.

"Thank the Maker he isn't. He's probably gone out to find us." Hawke answers somberly.

Just then, Mother Patrice emerges from a side room with Grand Cleric Elthina.

 _Oh, dear. Here we go._ I stand up straighter, although it's pointless seeing as I'm covered in blood standing in the sanctuary surrounded by bodies.

"Do you see, your Grace? Traitors attacking the very core of the Chantry! They defile with every step!" spouts Mother Patrice.

With a veneer of calm, Grand Cleric Elthina takes stock of the carnage. "There is death in every corner, young mother. It is as you predicted. All too well."

When they reach us, Hawke slips back into her sassy defense. "As much as I do love to defile, this, was entirely the doing of the young mother."

"Don't you spout your Qunari filth! This is a hand of the Divine." Mother Patrice clenches her fists.

The Grand Cleric waves her away. "I have ears, Mother Patrice. The Maker would have me use them. Serah Hawke, is it?"

"Yes. And there are two things I'd like to start with. One, Patrice, I am not a Qunari: you made that up. And two, Viscount Dumar's son is dead, killed here in your name. I found his body up there." Hawke puts her hands on her hips, leering at our framer.

Unfazed, Grand Cleric Elthina turns to face her inferior. "I'm sure my name won't like that. Patrice?"

"Saemus Dumar was a… a… Qunari convert!" Patrice stammers. "He came here to repent and was murdered!"

Hawke clicks her tongue. "I'm sure he was. But now, who arranged all this? Oh, that's right. You did. You killed him because you couldn't handle other people making same free choice he made!"

"It could not be allowed! How many would be tempted?" A vein bulges on Patrice's forehead.

Elthina returns her attention to Hawke. "As many as would want to go, I suppose."

"Good of you to finally own up to it!" Hawke gestures at the young mother.

Patrice glares back. "They deny the Maker!"

Rounding on her, Elthina's demeanor changes to a harsh one. "And you diminish Him, even as you claim His side. Andraste did not volunteer for the flame." She takes a breath to steady her voice. "Serah Hawke, you act on behalf of the viscount? The young mother has erred in her judgement. A court will decide her fate. The Chantry respects the law, and so must she." After the last words, she takes her leave, not turning to humor Patrice's call after her.

 _The Chantry may respect the law, but the Qunari will not be as forgiving. Her fate is clearly sealed._

Just as Elthina nears the top of the stairs, an arrow strikes Patrice straight through the chest. We snap our attention to the Qunari who had just appeared in a doorway across the sanctuary.

 _Alright, that was a bit quicker than I anticipated, but I was not wrong._

Patrice drops to her knees with a choked breath. Her eyes meet those of her executioner as the second arrow pierces her skull, dead center of her forehead. Neck jerking backwards, her body crumples onto the ground in its blood.

"Frick." Mutters Hawke as her eyes widen with shock.

"We protect those of the Qun. We do not abandon our own." The Qunari states. I nod approval to him and he blinks in recognition before walking away.

In a tone of mild concern, Elthina calls out from the stairs, "Please, send for Viscount Dumar.

* * *

Saemus' body in his arms, Viscount Dumar weeps. "My son…" He shakes his head. "Murdered in the heart of the Chantry, by those who held a sacred trust. What hope for this city, when we fail our own so completely?"

Sebastian, who arrived mere minutes before Dumar, and I stand at a small distance away. Varric and Anders wait near the doors, feeling that their presence couldn't possibly help. Tears run down Sebastian's face, and he mutters incoherent sentences about horror and injustice. I had said what I could in an attempt to calm him down, but he remains uncomfortably close to me, sniffling.

Kneeling next to the viscount, Hawke puts her hand on his shoulder. "I don't know. I… I wish I had the answers. There are no words that can help with this… but I am sorry…"

"The city needs a leader… but I am no longer that person." His words dissolve into sobs as tears drip off his chin. "Please, Hawke. Leave me."

She stands. "Of course. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. No expects you to come out of this the same." She walks past us and gestures for us to follow.

Once outside, Sebastian further breaks down, his chest shaking. "I don't understand. She was always a bit… misguided, I had noticed. But to do this… Maker no…"

Hawke wraps her arm around his shoulders and draws him closer to her. "I know. I didn't think any of this would go so far. It's awful."

"It's a safe place… there's not supposed to be any fear or condemnation… but now, now, there's just death…" He leans his head against Hawke's shoulder.

 _He's taking this even worse than I expected._ I frown. _It must be hard for him to see this; it hasn't been that long since something similar happened to his family._ "You have my condolences, Sebastian."

"Hey, you don't have to go back in there, okay? Not for a long time. They'll get it restored and maybe then, but not now." Hawke rubs his arm soothingly. "You can come back with us tonight."

 _That's fine. He shouldn't have to go back in there._

Sebastian pulls back a little. "Oh, no, I couldn't-"

"It's not optional." Hawke smiles at him. "We have plenty of room. The couch is fine for Anders anyway, it's still nicer than the bed in his clinic."

 _I love it when Anders is forcibly given the short straw._ I force myself not to smirk. _It would make more sense to put him in my room since I spend most nights in Hawke's bed anyway, but Anders having to take the couch is better._

The abomination crosses his arms but doesn't say anything, knowing it will be pointless.

"Thank you, Hawke. I greatly appreciate it." Sebastian offers a weak smile.


	40. Picking Favorites

**I can't believe this my 40th chapter! What a wonderful ride this has been so far! I'm excited to continue this story throughout 2018 :) Thank you all for putting up with my wonky post schedule haha**

 **Happy New Year! Enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 17th

We make our way back to Hightown without incident, well other than the ten-minute hiatus in which we had to let Sebastian sit down due to his inability to catch his breath from the crying.

When I reach the entrance of Hawke's estate, I can hear a heated argument before I even open the door. _I would prefer not to go in there. This has been enough ridiculousness for one day. Not that there's really a better option… I could just say I'm going home but Hawke would undoubtedly be affronted and think I was being rude due to being jealous of Sebastian – which is not the case. That is also not a conversation I want to have._ I cringe and turn around to face the others. "Perhaps Sebastian should return with me to my mansion. Yours has enough occupants as it is, Hawke. This would be easier and less… stressful."

Sebastian nods. "That would be just fine with me."

With a quirk of his eyebrow, Anders' gaze darts between Sebastian and I. "Hawke, I think you might have some competition for the elf's affections."

My forehead wrinkles, and I clench my fists. "Vishante kaffas, abomination!" I spit at him. _Fascinatingly, that went worse than I could have imagined! Fasta vass!_

Blood rushes to Sebastian's face, and he covers it with his hands. "No, no, no. I would never… Maker… I need to pray. A lot."

 _That idiot. This is not the night to pick on Sebastian! And it's never the night to get under my skin… I hate him so much._

"Anders!" Hawke rakes him with an icy glare. "Is it possible for you to be less helpful?!"

The healer sighs. "I was simply making a statement."

"I'm starting to think you want him to kill you." Hawke says, exasperated. "Sebastian, please excuse him. I am so sorry." She puts her hand on his shoulder and walks him to the door. "When we get inside, just go upstairs and wait for me, I'll bring you some tea. Is that alright?"

The prince drops his hands and murmurs his agreement.

Hawke pulls open the door, and we enter behind her. Isabela stands in the center of the foyer, yelling at a voice that could only belong to Aveline.

"This is important. Don't interrupt with your selfish prattle." Aveline calls out, descending the stairs.

Isabela puts her hands on her hips and holds her ground. "Get off your high horse. I have problems, too."

The guard captain scoffs. "'What drink should I order?' And 'Who's the father?'"

Isabela draws her hand back for a slap. "Oh you little-"

"STOP!" Hawke shouts, interrupting.

 _What is it now?_

Bodahn scurries over to us. "Serah, you have two guests. I informed them that you were not home but they… they very adamantly wouldn't leave." He tells her sheepishly.

"It's not your fault Bodahn, you're doing an excellent job." She gives him a thumbs up.

The two women turn to face us. "Hawke!" They exclaim in unison.

Hawke holds up her hands to silence them. "Not yet." She walks Sebastian to the foot to the stairs and smile at him. "Don't worry about any of this, just go on up."

He pauses, uncertain. "If you need my-"

"That's not necessary, I've got this. Go pray."

At this, he complies and climbs the stairs.

Hawke turns back to Bodahn. "If you would, have Orana make some tea and go sit with him."

"It's my pleasure, messere!" The Dwarf motions for Sandal to follow him and the two of them exit the room.

After walking over and taking a seat, Hawke returns her attention to the bristling visitors. "Alright, you may continue."

I clear the entranceway and lean against the wall. _Let's hear what's so urgent._

Aveline steps in front of Isabela. "Hawke – the Arishok is sheltering two fugitives who have 'converted' to the Qun. He must be convinced to release them." She begins to pace. "He's already feared because of Patrice, I heard about what happened tonight. If people start to think he can ignore the law… I need your help, so this doesn't get out of hand."

Rushing over to Hawke's chair, Isabela intersects. "I'm going to die!"

 _Interesting._

My beloved's head snaps to look at her, eyes wide.

"There. Got your attention. Real problem." The pirate sighs with relief.

Hawke frowns. "What's happened? What's wrong Isabela?"

"Remember the relic? The one Castillon is going to kill me over? A man called Wall-Eyed Sam has it. If you help me get, Castillon won't kill me." Isabela squats down, showing off nearly all of her butt, her hands on Hawkes knees. "Please."

Aveline exhales, irritated. "I'm trying to keep the entire city from rioting against the Qunari!"

"Well…" Isabela pivots and looks up. "Maybe it's connected."

The red head squints at her suspiciously. "What?"

Isabela scratches her neck and stands, avoiding anyone's direct gaze. "I'm just saying maybe it will help. It's important to someone, right?"

"Now you start being responsible? Shit." Aveline presses her fingers to her temples.

 _I suddenly understand her refusal to ever enter the Qunari complex. She's been wanted by them this whole time. That makes a lot of sense, I don't know why I didn't put that together before._

"This is all important." Hawke affirms them. "But no one is dying. We'll handle the relic and then take on the Qunari after that, if necessary."

Puzzled, Aveline asks, "You trust her this much?"

"Probably not." Isabela gives a lack luster chuckle. "I wouldn't."

Hawke stands up and looks at her seriously. "Don't say that. I trust you with my life. You've earned that trust."

The pirate smiles warmly at this, but there's fear and apprehension behind her eyes.

"They won't wait at the compound forever, Hawke. I really do hope this helps, because if it doesn't…" Aveline trails off.

 _This is a dangerous gamble. But still, I don't think she would lead us astray on this._

"You think I like having this thing on my mind?" Isabela gives Aveline a bewildered look. "Come on. The exchange is happening tonight in a Lowtown foundry." She spins on her heel and strides through the foyer, giving me a small wave as she passes. "You better have my back too, Fenny." And then she's gone.

I whirl around with surprise. _What did she call me?!_

Hawke stares after her wide eyed. "Hey, only I can give Fenris nicknames!" She crosses her arms. "But, Maker, that is the cutest nickname!" Her irritated expression melts into one of adoration as her eyes land on me.

"No, no, no." I hold up my hands and scowl. "No one is going to be calling me that. Are we clear? I do not approve." _Fenny… Fasta vass…_

Hawke pouts her lip. "Oh, come on. It's adorable. And isn't it better than Broody?"

I narrow my eyes. "As you might recall, I don't condone that one either." _I am about the farthest thing from adorable, and this is ridiculous._

"Isn't that the whole point? The recipient can disapprove all they want, but the nickname will remain." Anders grins.

I rake him with a death glare. "We should move on. She'll be waiting for us."

"Ah, yes, I guess we're getting back out?" Hawke asks, rhetorically. "As if we haven't already been walking for hours today."

With a snort, Anders comments, "It's too bad I wasn't breaking in a new pair of boots."

"No, it's not." I cut my eyes at him. "If that were the case, we would hear nothing but you whining about the blisters."

The abomination pauses for a moment. "It's a good thing I'm not breaking in a new pair of boots today."

At this I chuckle lightly. _It's unlike him to actually be self-aware._

"Would you like for me to come with you, Hawke?" Aveline asks, her face a blend of worry and stress. "It's not my top priority, but your safety is."

Hawke reluctantly stands. "Perish the thought. You're busy Aveline, do what you need to. We're a capable team. Thank you though." She smiles at the slightly older woman. "Nothing to it but to do it."

 _That is_ if _Isabela isn't being set up too horribly. There could be quite a lot to it._ I shift my feet with anticipation.

"If you say so. Keep yourselves alive." Aveline nods to us each in turn and walks towards the exit. As she passes me by the door frame she whispers, "I know your judgment is sound and that you'll bring her back. Thank you."

I return her gaze seriously and tilt my chin up slightly in acknowledgement. _She knows as well as I do that Hawke would choose Isabela over the city. Her loyalty to her friends will always overshadow her intelligence and tactical thought. It's important that I keep her thinking reasonably if things go south._ "Farewell, Aveline. We'll see you soon."

"And you as well." The guard captain returns, pushing the door open and emerging into the night air.

Hawke rolls her neck and pops it. "Alright, I'll just let Sebastian know we're leaving." She stretches down and touches her toes. "I'm going to be so sore and dead tomorrow. She better be grateful for this!"


	41. Unanticipated Adieu

**Writing the combat in this was fun, I wanted to give it a different edge :)**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 17th

"HALT! You'll surrender the relic!" The menacing Qunari Sten before us demands.

Isabela rolls her eyes. "Oh, stuff it in your ass! I don't have your stupid relic!" She spits.

 _Naturally, the only way to start a conversation with an adversary much larger than you. Just cut straight to pissing them off. Does that woman even think with her brain?_ I move my hand to my sword, poised to attack.

The Qunari doesn't hesitate, launching his spear towards the pirate. Her breath hitches in her throat as she parries out of the way. The spear sails past her, a hair from scraping her bodice. "Hey now!" She exclaims, dropping to the ground and slipping behind the Sten as he charges forward. Righting herself, her dagger finds is mark at the base of his skull. The body drops, dead weight.

Joining the fray, I rush the nearest Qunari. Before he can level his spear, I slice it in half and slam the hilt of my sword into his face. This merely causes the behemoth to scowl. He retaliates, slamming the broken weapon into my gut. Grimacing, I phase my hand through his neck and crush his trachea. There's a gurgling sound as my adversaries' eyes strain a moment before they're void of life.

A spear pins Hawke's robes to the wall behind her. She frantically tries in vain to extricate herself. The weapon's owner strides towards her. _No!_ I cast the corpse in front of me aside and turn to assist her. Before I can intercept him, the Qunari reaches her. Her pulls a blade from his belt and draws it back. Hawke lets out an unearthly shriek and flings her hands out in front of her. Giant icicles erupt from the ground, splitting her attacker into pieces. She gasps and then locks eyes with me. "Why am I so good?!" A grin forms on her face.

When I see she's safe, I pull in a relieved breath, only to immediately shake my head at her arrogance. _I don't know that that's the word I would use exactly._ I cross over to her and wrench the spear from the wall, freeing her. At the same time, Isabela and Anders finish the final Qunari.

"Thank you!" She beams at me.

I chuckle and pat her on the shoulder. "It's my pleasure."

"I swear, the two of you give me cavities these days." Isabela clicks her tongue.

 _It is true that our relationship has transitioned from nothing but stress into… I don't know, something rather fluffy. While we still have several_ large _roadblocks, we've come so far._ Despite not actually minding her comment, I scowl at Isabela. _No reason she should know I agree, the only reason she says these things is to get a reaction anyway._

Hawke smirks. "Don't we? I know you're jealous."

"Oh, without a doubt." Isabela winks at us, walking towards the foundry entrance. "We both know I would have had both of you if you would have stayed broken up." She hesitates, not pulling the door open. "But, you're good together."

Anders scoffs.

 _Never thought I'd hear her say something like that. She's grown as a person. There was undoubtedly a day when she would have seriously contemplated killing one of us to get the other._

We join Isabela as she starts to open the door. "Let's get in here before this turns into a waste of time."

"Hold on." Hawke pulls her back. "I'd like to know why we just fought Quanri, and why you weren't the least bit surprised by that."

The rogue pushes the door closed again. "Er… yes. About that." Her eyes flick across the ground before returning to us. "The relic belongs to the Qunari, and there's a _small_ chance they want it back."

"Mmmhmm..." Hawke rubs her chin. "Why didn't you just tell me that to begin with? Isabela, I wouldn't have been mad. It doesn't make a difference to me."

Isabela taps her fingers on her thigh nervously. "I've always known what the relic is. I just didn't want to… worry you. The relic is a Qunari text handwritten by that philosopher of theirs—Keslan, Cousland… whatever his name is."

"Koslun?" I supply. _How on earth did she manage to get her hands on that?! I cannot fathom the lengths to which they would go to get that back._

She points at me. "That's the one. Do you know everything about everything?"

"Right? I'm convinced he does!" Hawke exclaims. "He also speaks two languages eloquently."

I exhale, irritated. "Four actually; Qunlat and some Elvish. And, no, I'm hardly an expert on most topics."

"Know it all." Anders glowers at me.

Clenching my fists, I continue. "That's hardly important right now. Koslun was the founder of their religion, the most revered being in their history! That text would be sacred beyond measure." _To steal something like that…_

"I stole it from them, they followed me here to reclaim it, and it's why they're still in Kirkwall. They can't leave the Free Marches without." Isabela says hurriedly, hoping we'd miss the significance of her words.

 _And suddenly all the pieces fit together…_ "Fasta vass."

Stunned into silence, Hawke's jaw drops.

"You did this?" Anders demands, incredulous. "This whole time you knew; you could have done something!"

Isabela holds her ground. "Done what? The blighted thing didn't show up for three years!"

"You… I… It…" Hawke stammers, unable to formulate a sentence.

The pirate twists her mouth and then proceeds. "Look, the book's right in this building, and I'm not letting it slip away again. It's the only thing that will get Castillon off my back. Please tell me you'll give the relic to me." She gazes at Hawke with fear in her eyes.

 _Giving her the relic is the only way to keep him from coming to kill her. Yet, if we keep it from the Qunari, war is certain._ I press my palm to my forehead. _Venhedis. We're going to war. Sorry Aveline, you know it's futile to argue with Hawke. And I already know her decision._

Hawke lets out a breath and straightens up. "Isabela, I'm on your side. Always. The relic is yours."

 _And there it is._

"Really?" Isabela freezes. "I… I wasn't expecting that… You're sure?"

Hawke places a hand on each of her friend's shoulders. "Of course, I'm sure. We're family."

"It's nice to have someone on my side, after all this time. To have you on my side." Emotion fills Isabela's face in a way I doubt it ever has before. "I…" She clears her throat and turns, pulling open the door. "Come on. We've no time to waste."

 _One can always hope that there will be a chance for some sort of compromise or something. Kaffas, this isn't going to end well._ We follow Isabela through the door and enter the foundry.

Voices can be heard from around the corner as soon as we enter. "Where is the relic?" Demands a grating female voice.

"I… er… I have it." A man replies shakily.

Hawke holds a finger to her lips, and we all proceed forward as quietly as possible.

"The Tome of Koslun will not fall into Tevinter hands!" A Qunari bellows, his voice echoing throughout the halls.

 _Magisters! Fasta vass, how typical! If anyone would try to seize something just because it meant something to someone else, it would be them._ I set my jaw. _If they would stay out of the Free Marches that would be a relief! Although, then I wouldn't have the pleasure of killing so many I suppose._

"Blood and spite!" Exclaims the woman.

A loud blast sounds out followed by war cry. "Ataash Qunari!"

Just then a man charges past us toward the exit. Isabela whips around and takes off after him. "He's getting away!"

"Isabela!" Hawke shouts after her, but it's no use: the two disappear out into the night.

 _Kaffas! We're down to three!_ I draw my blade and rush into the fray, unwilling to allow a single Magister to walk free. As I reach them, the Qunari and mages are tearing each other apart. However, it's evident that both sides label us as a threat. _Perhaps we could have collaborated with the Qunari, if we weren't trying to gain possession of their Tome in order to give it back to the pirate who stole it. Alas, no._

Swinging my sword downward, I connect with a mage's shoulder. His arm falls to the ground and the other frantically clutches the stump, instantly clotting the wound. As I bring my blade back around, I'm knocked off my feet by a blast of psychic energy. I crash at the feet of a Qunari and spear him through the jaw with an upwards jab. Before the giant can fall, I grab the back of his knee, activating the Lyrium in my skin, and chucking him towards my adversary. When the bodies collide, a crunching sound can be heard as the mage is crushed beneath the Qunari's weight.

A Sten charges Hawke, and I whirl around to aid her. I feel my body working against me. I'm unable to make myself step forward. _Fasta vass! Blood magic!_ Pain erupts down my spine and I'm jerked backwards, my chin pointing towards the ceiling. Despite my attempts to right my posture, my limbs are forced out of line. Wrists skewed to the sides, feet wretched onto their blades, I'm powerless to control my body. No sound can leave my lips though I try desperately to call out. _SOMEONE KILL THIS FUCKING MAGE!_ With all the power I can muster from my markings, I force my head down and slam one foot flat on the ground.

Then I taste blood in my mouth. An overruling pressure forms behind my eyes. I try to blink it away, but my eyelids merely give a weak flutter. _NO!_ The metallic tasting liquid begins to fill my mouth. I can't spit it out. _I have to… break free…_ My vision fades to black as the pressure intensifies and I feel something begin to drip onto my cheeks. _…get to Hawke…_ Convulsions wrack my body as I choke on the blood. … _Maker… protect her…_ My breathing begins to fail as I become unable to pull air in through my nose.

Something changes. Warmth and cold serge against each other. Stabs of pain are combatted by renewed vigor. I seize the advantage and open my mouth, gasping as the blood spills down my armor and onto the ground. Tremors shift across my body as healing fills one area and agony explodes in another. I match the changes, realigning myself as it becomes possible. My other foot finds its way back flat. A scream tears from my lips as the pressure behind my eyes intensifies and recedes over and over again, threating to tear them from my skull. _MAKE IT STOP!_ I snatch back control of my arms and squeeze my head.

Suddenly, I crash to the ground twitching uncontrollably. Pain is everywhere but no longer actively ripping me apart. I can't open my eyes. I can't move. Blackness envelops me.

"Fenris!" The voice is so far away.

"You're going to be okay!" A worried voice.

"It's alright. Shh… I love you. You're fine." Her voice.

 _Hawke…_ I blink open my eyes. It's fuzzy for a moment but comes into focus. Hawke clutches my hand tightly in hers, a smile forms on her face. I force my dry mouth to swallow before attempting to speak. "You're… okay?" The words are hardly audible.

She gives a pained laugh, and I notice her tear streaked cheeks. "You're worried about me? Fenris, you nearly… He almost couldn't bring you back."

Fighting through the pain, I turn my head to look at Anders. He sits a few feet away from me, hair an unkempt mess as it has fallen out of its ponytail. His skin is so pale it has green tint and sweat covers his face. _He saved me?_ "Thank you."

Anders doesn't look up but nods. "We're a team."

 _I suppose we are. It… it's a good thing he was here._ I force myself to sit up, against the wishes of my screaming muscles.

"We managed to scrape by." Hawke begins. "Thankfully, the mages and Qunari pretty much whipped each other out—oh crap!" She jumps to her feet. "Isabela! I was so worried about you I completely forgot what we were doing!"

I shove my body off the ground and steady my shaking legs. "Let's go then."

Anders raises his eyebrows. "I don't know if that's the wisest idea. I'm not sure how it's possible for you to be standing right now."

"Clearly, you did your job well." I nod to him. "I can walk, lets track her down."

Hawke smiles at me and places a hand on my back. "Alright, but don't over do it. Feel free to lean on me."

 _Not likely. I was already bested by a maleficar and healed by yet another mage. I'd rather walk on my accord and not with the assistance of my girlfriend._ My eyes stray trained on the ground in front of me as we make out way out of the foundry, leaving the carnage for someone else to find. _After everything, with how much stronger I've become, why is it that I can never overcome magisters?! If it wasn't for a man that I hate, I would have been killed here tonight. Powerless to do anything but wait as I was torn apart from the inside._ Tight wrinkles form on my forehead, and I dig the claws of my gauntlets into my palms. _It just seems so fitting. I might no longer be in Tevinter, but that doesn't change what I am… Seems I'll always be their inferior._

Running ahead, Hawke calls out, "It's Wall-Eyed Sam's body! Isabela must have…" Her voice tails off as she picks up a note. A breath catches in her throat and she crumples up the paper.

I push aside my thoughts and join her. "What is it?"

"She's gone." Hawke answers through gritted teeth.

 _Gone? She fled with the relic?_ I look at Hawke searchingly. _Once a thief, always a thief… No. That isn't true. This wasn't just some set up, she was scared for her life._

"She played us?" Anders exclaims. "What did she say?!"

After a deep breath Hawke continues. "She doesn't expect forgiveness. We've been loyal allies, and she doesn't want to drag us further into this. So, she left. We'll never see her again. This was goodbye." Her voice trembles on the last word.

I wrap my arm around her shoulders, mindful not to get blood all over her robes. "I'm sure she simply did not wish to endanger you anymore. You know Isabela valued your friendship, Hawke."

"Do I?!" She snaps, her eyes wide with horror. "Or was this all fake?! Did none of this mean anything?!" Tears well up in her eyes.

"Hawke." I steady her. "Even if this is goodbye it's… it hasn't been for nothing. You've changed her life; Isabela is better person because of you. Just as I am."

She covers her mouth with her hands. "Oh… Maker… Oh, Maker…" She pulls away from me and begins to pace. "Aveline's going to say she was right… Fuck… Merrill is going to be devastated! I can't just tell her that she left, they were so close! Kaffas! Can we still go after her? It might not be too late-"

I move to her side and take her hand, silencing her. "It'll be alright. But, there will be no finding her if she does not wish to be found."

Kicking a rock, Anders curses and mumbles under his breath.

"Why are you so calm about this?! You almost died because of her! To help her! And this is how she repays that?!" Hawke screeches.

Gently, I brush a piece of hair out of her face. "Yes. She would have, and has, risked her life for me in battle. Isabela isn't same as you; where you would have stayed and protected your friendship at any cost, she felt that the safest option was to leave and no longer involve you." _An option I am far too familiar with._

Hawke lets out an irritated whine and drops her head onto my shoulder. "This sucks. I want my friend back." She sniffles. "But that does make me feel a little better."

 _And that's all I can ask for. Even if I can't help myself, at least I'm here for her._


	42. Weighty Confession

**It's crazy to think about wrapping up act 2 but we're getting there!**

 **Also if you're interested in dragon age cosplay, feel free to check out my Instagram scosplaychameleon as I have new DA2 content! (I'd love to talk to my readers)**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 18th

We make our way to the Elven Alienage, headed straight to Merrill's house. Hawke's eyes are set on the path in front of her, her jaw tight. She didn't want to wait a moment longer than necessary to let everyone know what had transpired.

I worry for her. Fine never means fine, especially for Hawke, and even more so when it involves her friends. _She's volatile right now. I can't leave her side. It wouldn't be a stretch for her launch a fireball at the Arishok for 'causing' this. Fasta vass! This is not what we needed on top of the city being in political chaos!_ I let out a slow breath. _Isabela, please rethink this. Get yourself back here._

Reaching the door, Hawke raps her knuckles against it, lacking hesitation. Without turning, she addresses us. "You two wait out here. You'll only make it worse."

 _Usually she would be right._ "This is not a time to allow differences and past disputes to divide us. I remain at your side."

She looks gratefully back at me and nods.

 _She's terrified of how Merrill is going to react. Their friendship really can't handle another falling out, and Hawke does not need to lose two friends in one night. Venhedis. These are the times I remember how much easier it was when the only person I had to worry about was me. If you disappoint yourself, you deal with it. When you fail yourself, you suffer. It's succinct. In this world, everything we do matters to someone, effects them in some way. If Isabela was on her own, she could run off without regret and no one would be hurt. But that isn't the case. We're left to care about her and miss her. Although who's to say which is truly preferable. This way she has people to return to if she desires, but at the cost of having to feel for them and having them feel for her._

"Hawke," I place my hand on her wrist and speak in a rushed whisper, "As you are aware, I had originally thought to build my life here around the notion of making no attachments and being prepared to flee when necessary… I hadn't realized how completely unwilling to do that I have become, until now. I'm going to miss Isabela. I couldn't… I won't ever leave."

My beloved leans her shoulder against mine. "Your ability to say just what I need to hear constantly amazes me. I love you."

"I love you too." _I'm glad that helped. I just felt that it needed to be said._

Merrill pulls the door open, blinking the sleep out her eyes. She stands in the door way in her night clothes and smiles at us. "Oh! Come on in. Sorry, I was just sleeping. I must not have heard the horn. I'll get dressed quickly, don't worry!"

Hawke and I enter, leaving Anders standing outside, and close the door. "Merrill-"

"No, no! It's my bad, I really shouldn't have been sleeping so heavily!" She turns and begins walking towards her bedroom. "What are we doing?"

With a hand on her shoulder, Merrill is turned around to face Hawke. "Merrill, this isn't about a job…"

The smaller mage's eyebrows knit together. "What do you mean? What's happened?" She starts wringing her hands.

I rub my forehead. _This is not going to go well._

"I'm sure you remember the relic that Isabela has been after? Well, it turns out that it was really important to the Qunari-" Hawke is cut off.

"Where is she? Why does your face look like that?" Merrill demands, her voice trembling.

Doing her best to stay composed, Hawke continues. "We found the relic, and Isabela needed it to get the bounty off her head."

"Why isn't she with you? Has she taken it back to Castillon?" Merrill presses.

With a sigh, Hawke explains, "You see, that's just it… She took it and ran. There was a note but… but she's not coming back Merrill. This is goodbye."

The blood mage's eyes grow huge. "No! She wouldn't have! She'll be back, Isabela wouldn't do that! She wouldn't leave!" She begins to pace, her breaths increasing in speed. "This isn't true. You're wrong. Isabela loved me—us. She loves us! Hawke, why are you lying?!"

Tears push the edges of Hawke's eyes, but she fights to hold them back. "You think I want this?! Don't you know how much I want what you said to be the truth?"

"No, I don't! All I know is…" Merrill drops down onto a bench and puts her head in her hands. "I don't _know_ anything. I've heard what you said, but I can't believe it… After all that time together, she wouldn't just leave us… There must be some mistake."

Hawke hands her the crumpled note. "I wish there were."

A whimper leaves Merrill's lips as she reads. "No…" Tears begin to pour down her face. "First you and now her…"

"What do you mean?" Hawke's face falls into one of horror.

The smaller woman sniffles and wipes at her eyes. "I don't mean to… you've done so much for me, and I know that. And I'm grateful. But, I trusted you with something that meant everything to me, and you betrayed that trust. And when that happened, I turned to Isabela. She became what you were, or what I had hoped you to be one day… And now she's gone too." Her voice trembles, and her fingers dig into the bench at her sides.

 _She was in love with her. And Hawke before. That makes this so much worse._ I frown.

Unable to hold back the tears any longer, Hawke gasps. "I'm so so sorry… Maker, Merrill, I never meant to hurt you."

"Does anyone?" She looks up from her seat. "But I have forgiven you. I meant that when I said it to you before. And now, I forgive Isabela – well I don't have to because she's going to come back."

Hawke sucks in a shaky breath. "Thank you. That is far more than I deserve." Her eyes drop to the floor. "Isabela was family… Shit. Is family. I'm not giving up on her either. But… I don't know that we can't count on seeing her again."

"Yes, we can. Banal nadas." Merrill stands facing us, her lip trembles and tears streak down her face but there's conviction in her words. "She _is_ going to come back. It might take her a while before she can. Oh, she's probably so scared, all alone, running for her life…" She clears her throat. "But she will be back as soon as it's safe for her here. You don't have to believe me, but it is true."

I give her a serious nod. _I respect her assuredness. She places so much faith in someone other than herself, even when they appear to have violated that trust. I can't say I'd have that much confidence even in Hawke if she abandoned me…_

Hawke opens her arms, "May I?" After an approving nod, she pulls Merrill into her arms, cradling her close to her body. "I pray you're right. And again, I am so sorry."

"You don't have to keep saying that, I believe you." Merrill buries her face in Hawke's robes. "I just need the Creators to keep her alive. Mana. Ma halani. I'm so scared for her."

I don't attempt to move closer, but I speak up, "Ir abelas. Isabela is accustomed to being on her own. She's avoided capture for years. This will just be like old times for her, she'll be fine. There is little need for fear."

"Thank you, Fenris. That means a lot coming from you." Merrill turns and smiles at me, clearly grateful for my words and use of the elven tongue. "I know we've never gotten on well at all, but I still consider you a dear friend."

 _I'm not sure I can go that far, but I'll admit that she's impressed me._ _To be maleficar for so long and resist the pull of the demons is a feat in and of itself._ "Know that I have not hated you as you may have thought."

Merrill nods solemnly. "The blood magic. Trust me, I understand. I often hate me for it too."

 _That's not something I expected for her to say._ "It is coercive, perverse, and evil. You however, are not." _It seems impossible, but it's true. She has somehow remained uncorrupted._

"Neither are you, you know." Merrill says seriously. "I can tell you still beat yourself up; you shouldn't. You're good, Fenris."

I'm taken aback by this, but I acknowledge her words. _Perhaps I was mistaken in my belief that magic spoils everything it touches. These things are clearly far more complex than I had allowed myself to consider._ _After all, it doesn't make logical sense for Hawke to be the only exception…_

Hawke smiles at the two of us. "I suppose we should attempt to get _some_ sleep before the inevitably hard day that's approaching. Today has been more than a lot."

"I won't be able to sleep, so if you need me, you know I'll be here. You all get home safely." Merrill walks us to the door. "Anders is probably going to be extremely grumpy from being left outside." She adds with a light giggle.


	43. Downward Spiral

**Hey guys! I am so sorry for how long it took me to post this! Life has been crazy with a new semester and a new job. Mostly though, I wanted to take my time and flesh this out; the end of act 2 is intense and I don't want to gloss over that at all.**

 **I hope you like what I've done with it so far, enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 20th

I roll over and notice that something's off; there are actually blankets on me, instead of them residing in their usual place after Hawke has unwittingly stolen them in her sleep. Quickly sitting up, I notice that she's not in the room at all. _Fasta vass. She's undoubtedly already off getting herself in trouble again. It can't have been more than two hours since we went to bed!_

When I stand and begin putting my pants on, a brightness shining through the window catches my attention. _That doesn't—_ I stumble and catch myself on the nightstand as I realize there are fires raging in the streets. _Vishante kaffas!_ Suddenly fully awake, I throw on my tunic and the rest of my armor and rush downstairs.

Locking eyes with Bodahn, I cross the room. "What's happened?! Where is Hawke?!"

"She went out a short time ago, said there was no need in waking you as you'd need all the rest you could get if this went poorly. Erm… I believe it has gone poorly." The dwarf shifts his feet nervously.

 _This isn't good. She better be safe._

Anders' irritated voice calls out as he enters from the dining room, "You don't say! What gave you that idea?"

"The city is falling into chaos!" Exclaims Sebastian, exiting the little bed chamber.

I exhale and bite my cheek. _Well, we're all on the same page._ "We aren't helping anything dawdling here. Let's go; once we catch up with Hawke we'll sort out what to do."

"An excellent point, sir! If I had to guess, I would say that she should be heading up from the Docks, if she isn't still hung up there." The dwarf supplies, clearly eager to get our stressful presences out of the house. "Orana, as well as my boy and I, will ensure everything here remains intact!"

Giving him an appreciative look, I stride out the door, leaving the others to follow if they so choose. Sebastian is quickly at my heels, with Anders reluctantly picking up the rear. We make our way silently through Hightown, careful to steal down back alleys and avoid any commotion. Fights appear to be breaking out nearly everywhere, although they distinctly lack a common thread.

 _These people don't even know what's going on! Instead of standing united against the Qunari, they hurl insults and fists at each other! They're oblivious to the real threat... I've yet to even see a Qunari!_ I push down the irritation I feel for the population of Kirkwall and focus on getting to the Docks. _Getting to Hawke is what matters right now. Once we have her, the city can burn for all I care. But she_ has _to be safe. I'll carry her out on my shoulder if necessary._

We slide down a steep incline out of Hightown, avoiding taking any crowded stairways. Sebastian manages it with far more finesse than Anders and I on account of him being a rogue, reaching the bottom without so much as a speck of dust on his shiny armor. I bang my knee on a rock but remain otherwise intact. Anders, however, has dirt cake his robes as he tries to slow himself, and he also receives deep scrapes on his palms.

"Shit. Fuck." Anders angrily shakes his bleeding palms and begins healing them. "Why couldn't we have just taken the stairs like civil human beings?"

Sebastian frowns at him. "You don't have to make such generalizations, humans are no more civil than any other race; the Maker created us all to be equal. And you know you aren't exclusively in human company."

I snort. _The day Anders cares about potentially offending someone he isn't trying to weasel something out of, will be the day I encourage Hawke to learn blood magic. I appreciate Sebastian's attempt though._ "Your words are lost on him. It might surprise you, but this is actually one the least offensive things he's capable of saying."

"You've always been so quick to think little of me! Is it really necessary to try and sway the opinions of others as well?!" Anders demands.

Narrowing my eyes at him, I reply, "Yes. You have no redeeming qualities."

"That's not true! I've helped—" The abomination is cut off.

A trio of thugs yell and run up to us. "Stay right there! Hand over your coin and no one has to get hurt!"

I blink a couple of times in confusion and exchange a look with the others.

"Wait. Are we being… mugged?" Anders asks bewilderedly with humor in his voice.

The man who spoke before steps closer to us holding out a knife. He's the largest of the group, but still shorter than Sebastian. "What's your game?! Of course you're being mugged! So anxious to leave the city, you must have been looting!"

An elven woman with a slight build moves next to him, a broken bottle in her hand. "Just do what he says!"

Anders bursts out laughing. "Is this really happening?"

 _They want to rob the looters so that the work is done for them…_ I roll my eyes and pull my sword off my back.

"Don't kill them!" Sebastian pleads, putting his arm in front of me.

The group jumps backward, fear in their eyes at the blade that easily outweighs any one of them.

Letting my markings flicker to life, I slide past the chantry man. With my sword leveled at the leader of the group, I glower at them. "Without this weapon I could have you ripped into six pieces before you could blink. With it, the three of you would fall in the same amount of time."

Terrified eyes stare back at me as their owners don't dare to breathe.

"Don't pick fights. You will eventually lose." I flick my blade, slicing off a piece of the man's hair. "How easily that could have been your throat. A few years ago, I would have sliced it." A low growl leaves my throat. "But, I'm willing to let this slide. _If_ you run back home and drop this crime act all together."

The three the people nod vigorously, the woman speaking up. "We will! This… this isn't us."

"It better not be." I rake them with a serious look and pull my sword back, letting them run off. _There. Now maybe they won't get themselves needlessly slaughtered._

Sebastian smile brightly at me. "That was a good thing you did, my friend."

 _Friend… I suppose we are._ I shrug and resume walking towards the Docks, but a smile tugs at the corner of my mouth.

As the streets grow increasingly more chaotic, Sebastian takes the lead to maintain stealth. We follow in his shadow, careful not to be as noisy and heedless with our foot fall as usual.

Just few minutes outside the Qunari compound, we spot Hawke and Aveline pressed closely to a wall talking in hushed voices.

 _Thank the Maker we found them, and alive as well. This could have taken hours._

Stepping out of the obscurities, we join the women. I survey them. "Hawke, Aveline, are you alright?"

Hawke grins when she realizes it's me and throws her arms around my neck, pulling me into a quick hug. "I couldn't be happier to see anyone else right now! I was so worried I wouldn't be able to get back to you!"

"I couldn't simply sit by. Not knowing you were out here in the thick of it." I press a kiss to her cheek and turn her loose. "What's happened?"

Aveline's fury blanketed face tells me all I need to know but she speaks anyway. "The time for talk with the Qunari is done. They turned on us. Five of my guard were dead within minutes; we would have been too, but we were lucky. The city, however, is not. It has a slaughter on its hands if we don't put a stop to it." She shakes her head angrily. "That son of a bitch… I don't know what I expected."

 _So it is just as I thought._

"All of this has been building for so long." Sebastian looks at sorrowfully at her. "But for it to all coming crashing down so suddenly…"

Anders kicks at the dirt. "Such a waste. We'll spend countless hours and lives against the Qunari when getting rid of them won't even solve the real problem. Our energy should be going against the Circle."

 _Ah yes, the best thing to complain about during a war: Wishing it was it was different war! Why didn't I think of that. Fasta vass._

"Well, fuck me gently with a dagger! This is reality Anders, are you that dense?! We don't always get to pick our battles, we just have to fight them." Hawke exclaims, trying to retract the venom from her words at the end. "Sorry. I have a lot on my mind." She pats his arm.

The sounds of screams and the thunder of feet grow louder and more urgent.

Looking around, Aveline eyes widen. "Can you hear it? The Qunari must be spreading out. They're attacking the whole of the city!" She looks around, bewildered. "But I still don't understand why! What could they hope to accomplish?"

"The Arishok has had enough 'playing nice.' He no longer cares about the repercussions of his actions here in Kirkwall." I put forth. "There will be no more sitting in their little box following rules they never agreed with."

Aveline looks at me seriously. "You may be right. Whatever it is, we need to do something quickly. We're going to need everyone's help."

Pressing a finger to his forehead, Anders closes his eyes. "I can see out from my clinic. Darktown is flooded with people trying to get away from all this."

"I'm not surprised. If the Qunari are assaulting the city this fast, the Arishok must have had this planned for who knows how long. I'll rally the guardsmen. Hawke, I suggest you head to your estate in Hightown. You all be careful, I've lost good men tonight. I'd rather not lose my best." Aveline nods to us and takes off into the night.

Hawke sighs. "You could have just stayed with us…" She frowns, worried about her friend rushing off alone. "Oh, well. Let's not let her down."

"I suppose the time for stealth is at an end?" Sebastian asks.

I nod. "For the moment. Right now, we need to fight our way through, dropping as many Qunari as possible on our way to Hightown." _I never would have expected to be involved in political warfare that didn't involve dethroning the magisters. Hawke has brought me to so many strange places._

"Right. No more wasted time. People are dying." Hawke pulls her staff from her back and leads us out of the shadows and up the large steps leading out of the Docks.

As soon as we crest the last step, shrieking civilians race past us. Two fall as spears rip through their bodies.

 _Kaffas!_ I ignite the lyrium within my skin and charge the source of the attack. My feet move with blinding speed as Anders casts haste. Throats sliced, the Qunari fall dead from my blade before they even register the attack.

Hawke shields a group of terrified citizens and rushes them away from the fray.

Three more Qunari emerge from a nearby building, immediately targeting us. The first of Sebastian's arrows is swatted from the air, providing him with just the opening he wanted. The second lands with a sickening thud in the giant's eye socket, killing him instantly.

As I close the distance to our adversaries, the nearest one is struck with a winters grasp, freezing him solid. I set my sword on a new path and plunge it into the uninhibited Qunari's chest, giving it a quick twist. On the backswing the hilt connects with the frozen man's neck. His head snaps off and falls to the ground with a clatter.

 _That gives us a few less to worry about._ I quickly scan the area for more. We're safe for the moment; the only things moving are Sebastian and myself. "Where's Hawke?!" I demand.

The Chantry man looks around franticly. "She was helping a group of people a moment ago! I don't know where they went… but Anders must have gone after her."

"Vishante kaffas!" I exclaim. _We just found her! Getting separated is about the stupidest thing we could do! If she gets herself killed…_ Violently kicking open the door to the nearest house, I shout her name. There's no reply. "Fasta vass! We have to find her! Even if Anders is with her, neither of them is capable in up-close combat!"

Sebastian runs a little ways back the way we came to search, while I check the rest of the surrounding buildings and alleys.

He returns alone. "Fenris, I'm afraid catching up with them at this point is unlikely-"

"Then what do you suggest we do?! Just leave her on her own?!" I snarl at him. _The Qunari would target her before anyone at this point!_

Sebastian steels his gaze. "No. Hawke knows we were all heading to her estate. Undoubtedly, she's getting those people to safety and then she'll return home. Our best bet of running into them is to take the long way back, through Darktown. If we don't see them there, we'll reconvene at her house."

 _That is if she isn't somewhere dead on the ground between here and there!_ I force myself to take a deep breath. _No. Don't think that way. Hawke is capable of taking care of herself. She'll be fine._ After a moment, and a couple of times repeating these words in my head, I believe them. When I do, I let out a slow breath. "You're right. We'll head that way."

"Should we stick to the roof tops or back alleys to avoid conflict?" Sebastian asks.

I wave away the notion. "As much as that might be preferable, we have a better chance of locating them if we move more quickly through the streets."

Sebastian agrees, and we charge forward through the Docks, remaining vigilantly alert to our surroundings. Every movement draws our eyes but does not slow our strides. Maneuvering the first several streets goes well, there is little to detain us, only fires to avoid and groups of people running past.

As we pass below a high balcony, the body of an elven woman is dropped off it. She lands directly in front of us, stopping us in our tracks. Sebastian jumps back and fires a bursting arrow into the chest of the Qunari above us; it explodes, ripping the behemoth's torso asunder.

Just then, the archer screams in pain and his face slams into the ground, a huge spear protruding from his leg straight through his knee. _FASTA VASS!_ Activating my lyrium ghost, I fade from view and appear behind the Qunari attacker who had taken advantage of the diversion. Phasing through its back, I rip its heart out and then snap the spine out of spite for injuring my friend.

I dart back to Sebastian's side. Blood runs profusely down his leg and his face is white. "Are you alright?!" _Kaffas! Of course he's not, his leg is broken, tendons are torn, and he might bleed to death!_ I look around desperately for help. _And we don't have a healer! Where are those fucking mages?!_

"Fenris, I'm- I can't- I'm not going to be able to walk at all!" His hands are clamped firmly around the spear, but blood persistently runs through his fingers.

I fumble through my pouches and pull out a health potion. After uncorking it, I press the bottle to his lips and let him drink it. This slows the flow of blood a bit and color begins to return to his face. "You'll be fine! Hold still." I break off the ends of the spear, reducing it to a more manageable length without dislodging it from the wound. Pulling out an injury kit, I wrap the area up tightly in bandaging.

Sebastian grimaces, shuddering in pain. "I… appreciate this, greatly." He grits his teeth and speaks through them. "But I'm still no use to you like this… just leave me here. Go find Hawke."

With a frown, I shake my head. _That isn't an option. He wouldn't leave me. I'll just have to carry him. Venhedis!_ "No. I won't do that. You're coming with me; I'll carry you."

Shocked, Sebastian looks at me incredulously. "That'll slow you down so much. I can't ask you to do that…" He winces in agony. "Just go. I'll scoot out of sight, I'll be fine."

I give him a serious expression. "This isn't negotiable. I'm not leaving you." Then I offer a slight smile. "You, are one of a small number of people I tolerate and an even smaller number that I actually like. I'm not about to let you die."

"Thank you, Fenris." Sebastian gives me a meaningful look.

With a sigh, I shake my head. "I'm afraid you won't be thanking me for very long. I do apologize for how much this is going to hurt; I have no way of protecting us unless I put you over my shoulder and that will do your leg no favors."

"That's fine." He assures me. "At least I'll be alive."

I nod. "That's a fair point. Let's get you to a healer."

I glide my arm under Sebastian's arms, lift him off the ground, and then hoist him over my shoulder. His cries of pain are muffled by his clenched teeth, and he doesn't offer any other protests. Grabbing his belt instead of his legs to keep him balanced, I start walking.

Despite Sebastian's much larger size, carrying him is easy and doesn't slow my pace much, if at all. Still, his weight against my shoulders and back cause the markings beneath to itch and burn.

 _Ah great. If only I could carry him without him touching me… The irritations brought about from caring about people will never cease._

I block out the discomfort as best I can by quickening my steps and surveying the city around us. Before, I had been so preoccupied with other things that I hadn't truly realized the dire state Kirkwall was in.

The maddening screams that initially filled the air are all but gone as the bodies of those who produced them lay in the streets, drenched in their own blood. Fires that were contained to small areas of rubble now rage, destroying homes and shops. Black smoke billows into the air.

I curse at the realization: _The Qunari are winning._ The notion doesn't exactly surprise me. With the citizens utterly unprepared, it was the logical proceeding.

Still, I'm angered by this. _There was no need for all these people to die! This is excessive. The Qunari should not feel justified._

However much I may want it to, my fury does nothing to improve the situation. That's one thing that hasn't changed over the years.

Despite his silence, it's easy to tell that Sebastian's condition is worsening. His breaths have grown uneven and blood has begun dripping down my tunic from his bandage. He doesn't dare complain, knowing it would be futile.

Knowing that each step I take is agony for him and that stopping is not an option, my anger begins to lend itself more to worry. I send up a silent prayer for my friend: _Maker, help us find them soon._

* * *

 **Thanks again for reading, and a special thanks to those of you who reached out on Instagram! I really appreciate it!**


	44. Ruinous Happenings

**Even in the most bleak moments there can be hope and revelation. I have not forgotten my humor though! We'll get back to some of that soon ;)**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 20th

As we emerge into a large area free of stands and wreckage, Qunari appear around us on all sides seemingly from thin air.

 _We're surrounded! Fasta vass!_ I clutch my sword tightly as they close in on us. Thankfully, it's not an odd occurrence for me to wield a two-handed weapon with only one arm. Still, I wouldn't overestimate my odds; we're vastly outnumbered, and Sebastian's weight throws my balance off. For a moment, I consider dropping him and taking out as many as possible with my lyrium ghost before they realize what happened. I dismiss the notion. _The fall would likely dislodge the spear. If it didn't, he'd still receive another one before I could protect him again. Kaffas! I could make it if there were five, but nine is too much of a risk._

Sebastian stiffens with fear, and I can tell he's trying to figure out anyway he can help. _If only he could effectively fire a bow like this. Then we might have more of a chance._

Holding my ground, I turn, avoiding keeping my eyes off any one Qunari for longer than a moment. _They've recognized my power. They'll charge or begin with the spears as soon as they determine the type of death we 'deserve.'_ I growl. The air of superiority they give off, paired with their all but blank faces, make the attack so much more irritating. _This won't be a high stakes battle for them. They'll either fall to my blade or execute me; whichever outcome it is, they'll readily accept it. I won't bow so easily. If I am to die, it won't be without taking them with me._

My knuckles whiten from my grip on the hilt. So much of my energy is being expended to maintain the blade and my friend. My tattoos glow brightly, constantly lending me their strength. Still, I know Sebastian's plight is worse. Not only is he gravely injured, he's utterly helpless and must loathe being the cause of my being in danger.

 _We're just going to have to make it out of this. It will join the rest of Varric's unbelievable, and yet somehow, true stories regarding us._

The largest of the Qunari tenses, about to strike.

"STOP!" A familiar, heavily accented voice calls out from a few yards away.

My focus remains on the ox-men as their attention snaps to the disturbance. _Certainly not who I would have expected._

"STEP AWAY FROM MY FAMILY!" Merrill screams, her face twisted with malice.

The Qunari lose interest and turn back to us. To my right, I'm lunged at. Before the blow can land or I can dodge, the Qunari is stopped in his tacks, unable to budge.

"What's happened?!" Sebastian asks in a rushed whisper. "They've stopped attacking?"

Surveying the rest, I see they have all been rendered the same. _This is strong blood magic to hold so many._ I look at her, intensely.

Merrill walks slowly towards us, fire in her eyes. "I thought I said to STEP AWAY! BELLANARIS DIN'AN HEEM!" She shrieks, lifting her hand and slowly closing her fist as if crushing something. The initial attacker chokes. Blood begins to ooze from his mouth and ears before his head explodes, the body dropping to the ground. "You've already run Isabela off! YOU WILL NOT HAVE ANYONE ELSE I LOVE!" Her face and shoulder begin to twitch. "Fenris. Look away."

 _She's losing control._ I meet her eyes. "No."

Blood drips from her palms as her fingers dig into them. It does not hit the ground. The droplets hang in the air around her. "Fenris! Stop looking at me!" She demands.

I glare at her. "I won't."

"I can't hold them like this much longer!" She exclaims, desperate. "I have to finish them! LOOK AWAY!"

I shake my head. "No." _I have to keep her mind grounded here and not let it become lost to the Fade._

She screams with anger. "I didn't want you to see this!" She slices open her forearms and slings them to the sides. The Qunari are flung to the ground. Her blood flies towards one like daggers, ripping through his abdomen. "Dirthara-ma!"

A particularly powerful Qunari begins to stir, starting to break her hold on him. Merrill's head jerks unnaturally to the side as she draws her hand back as if pulling a rope. With that motion, the man splutters, and the life leaves his eyes as his lungs are snatched out of his mouth. "TEL'ABELAS!"

"Merrill." I say, still refusing to take my eyes of her hers. _She's losing hold of herself._

The maleficar ducks her head away from me. "Stop it! I don't want you to think of me this way!" A blast of her blood severs the heads of two more of our adversaries. Her body begins to convulse but she keeps going, pulling gore from the ground and spearing another through the heart with it. "NA DIN'AN SAHLIN!" Blood begins to drip from her eyes.

"Merrill!" I repeat with more urgency. _Her body can't take much more of this! I can't imagine her mind is faring any better! She couldn't channel this much energy without enlisting the help of a very powerful demon. Such assistance can never come without a price._

The blue of her veins is clearly visible through her now translucent skin. She staggers, fighting to keep the remaining Qunari under her control. "Don't… don't look at me with such hated! Can't you see… I'm trying to save you…" Tears begins to accompany the blood running down her face.

Tearing my gaze away from her, I dash carefully to the remaining enemies and fell them with my blade. Then I turn to face her. "And what do think I was trying to do for you?" I ask her.

The mage sniffles and opens her mouth to respond. Before the words can leave her lips, her body crumples under her.

"NO!" I move to her side. _She's still alive. But only barely._

Sebastian twists around in an attempt to see her. "Is she going to be alright?" He asks in a low, worried voice. After this, he fights to catch his breath and makes his muscles untense. Just that little bit of movement exhausted him.

"She'll be fine," I lie, not believing my words in the slightest. _There's no sense in telling him anything different. They've both lost too much blood. He'll be unconscious soon enough anyway; worrying won't make matters better. I'd prefer he didn't know. The chances of them surviving until we reach Hawke is… kaffas… Why does she have to be the one mage that doesn't know a single healing spell?! While I appreciate not being slaughtered by Qunari, I'd rather not have to deal with yet another dying person. Isn't blood magic convenient? Just sell your soul for the opportunity to die miserably while forcing your enemies to also, die miserably._ Pulling another injury kit from my belt, I wrap Merrill's wounds. Although it seems futile considering how much blood she's already lost, I do it anyway. _Even if it's for nothing… I have to try. Disagreements and horrible methods aside, if Merrill dies, it was in saving me. If I die, it'll have been saving her. How gruesomely poetic. I always thought a maleficar would be responsible for my demise. But never like this._

I exhale sharply and shake my head. _Now, if I carry them both, I am to be completely defenseless. Is any of this worth it? Have I drifted so far from my convictions that I would put mine, and Sebastian's, life into further danger for the chance of saving a blood mage? I could run right now, make it to Hawke, and never be faulted for her death. After all, it is war. People die._ I fight back a growl of rage. _But I could never do that. Not anymore. I care too much about… both of them._

Carefully lifting Merrill's delicate form, I drape her over my other shoulder, my sword sheathed between her and Sebastian.

As I stand, the prince protests. "Just take her. She's injured far worse. I'll… I'll be fine here."

"No." _I'm not leaving either of you; and I much prefer you to her._

Unable to muster enough strength to properly contest me on this, Sebastian falls silent.

I grit my teeth and begin walking again. _This cannot be over soon enough._

I'd like to believe that I'm only doing this for Hawke, because she'd be devastated if they died. But I know that's not the case. In fact, her feelings on the matter never crossed my mind when I made this decision. It's strange; previously, my only empathy was toward Hawke. The motives behind my actions were simple: don't cause her pain and do what you can to take away any pain she has. Somewhere along the way, without my realizing it, I became capable of truly caring about more than just her. I'm doing this because I need to, and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. The violent emotionless puppet is dead. The man I am now feels the pain of others. Because of this, he is stronger. He has become more complete.


	45. Mental Strife

**I'm hoping I'll be able to lengthen my chapters again when college calms down at bit.**

 **All the same, I still adore writing this and I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 20th

Before I've progressed more than a few yards, I hear yelling from a rooftop above us. My muscles tense, prepared to take the impact of the spear. But it doesn't come. In its place is the snap of a string and the thunk of an arrow hitting its mark. _Thank you, whoever you are. Evidently there is still some form of resistance against the Qunari. Good to know not everyone has been killed or fled._ I pick up my pace, running towards the shadows, but a voice draws my attention back to the roof.

"Broody?!"

I sigh with relief at the welcome sight of the familiar dwarf looking down at me. _Praise the Maker._ "Varric! Have you seen Hawke?!"

"Nope. I figured she'd be with you." He leans over to get a better look at us. "What happened to those two? I figured you would try to off Daisy eventually, but I thought you and Choir Boy had hit it off." He chuckles.

I roll my eyes. "Very humorous. They're not doing well at all; they'll die if we don't get them Anders soon. Can you cover us? My hope is to catch up with them in Darktown."

Varric nods. "Gladly. Although I can't say I wouldn't love to watch you take down a mob of Qunari no handedly."

"Perhaps under less dire circumstances I'll try that sometime." I snort, knowing Varric is far more helpful when he thinks his humor is appreciated.

The dwarf loads a new bolt into Bianca and readies himself to begin traveling. "Why are you having to catch up with them in the first place?"

"You know Hawke." This requires no further explanation, he does in fact know Hawke.

Then we're moving again. Dashing down streets and side alleys with Varric above, hopping from rooftop to balcony, calling the shots as well as firing them.

When we emerge into Darktown it's clear that we had been correct in believing the citizens were fleeing through here. Foot fall has left the paths even more disheveled than they previously were and large groups of people can be seen huddling in and around shacks meant for two.

My body has begun to tire. The markings that cover me still shine intensely, but they've started to burn more than usual. I hurt not only where there is contact, but everywhere. Each inch of tattooed skin is receiving waves of pain as if an electrical current is shocking me. I force myself not to wince. This is the longest my markings have had to work. I briefly wonder what the limit is to their power and if I'm about to find out.

Varric walks beside me now as there are few advantageous buildings here. "I'm willing to bet Blondie has dragged her to that clinic of his. If they came through here, there's no way he could resist grabbing supplies and patching a few people up."

"You're probably right." _If he has exhausted his power already and can't help them..._ My grip tightens around Sebastian and Merrill's waists. _This can't have been for nothing. They have to make it._ The archer's labored breathing worries me, and I feel a strange pinch of fear in my chest. A new urgency fills my steps as I realize how much I don't want to watch this man die.

We make it through Darktown unhindered and push open the door to Anders' clinic. Thankfully, just as we expected, the two mages are there attending to a group of patients.

I shoulder past everyone and lay out my passengers on the table. Then my tattoos flicker out and I drop to my knees, far more fatigued than I've been since I can remember.

Anders joins us, rapidly assessing their condition. Hawke runs to my side and drops down next to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. "Fenris! Are you alright? What happened?!" Tears spring up into her eyes as she looks between her friends and me. "I should never have let us get separated again…"

I let out a slow breath and pull away from her arm, my burning skin demanding not to be touched. "No. You shouldn't have." Before the words left my lips, I hadn't realized that I was angry at Hawke. But I am. _This was not an accidental separation. They intentionally came here before seeking us out!_

"I'm so sorry! These people would have been-" She's silenced by my holding up a hand.

My eyes remain aimed at the ground, unfocused from the exhaustion. "You can explain yourself to them, if they survive." I direct my voice to Anders. "How are they faring?"

He passes his hands across them, focused intently. "I'm pulling Merrill back now; her body responds quickly to healing. Extreme blood loss is nothing new for her."

"And Sebastian?" I ask.

There's a long pause, filled with movement and sounds from the table above, before I receive a reply. "I've managed to free his leg from the spear and stop the bleeding, but the damage to the bone is more than I can repair right now. It's in fragments; it could take me weeks to heal it completely."

I shake my head to free it of fog and force myself to my feet, getting a look at the patients. Hawke stands after me, her face broken and concerned, but she doesn't speak again. Merrill's wounds have knitted back together, and the color has started to return to her skin; she cracks her eyes open and exhales, not forcing moment yet. Sebastian lays completely still, the rise and fall of chest is only noticeable under close scrutiny. The skin on his leg gives the appearance of restoration, but the awkward angle at which it leans and the unevenness of his knee reveal the damage beneath.

"Why has he not woken?" I question Anders.

The healer's brow is furrowed, and he passes a glowing hand before Sebastian's visage. "I… I'm unsure. On account of all his vitals, he should be awake. This is very rare… He could come to anytime."

I clench my fists, much to the chagrin of my muscles. "'Could?' So there's a possibility that he won't?!" My words are angry, but my voice is kept low.

Hawke runs her hand gently along Sebastian's shoulder. "You're okay. You're going to get through this. Just like Merrill." She smiles sadly at the smallest mage, her eyes filled with tears and worry.

Acknowledging her words, Merrill gives a little nod in return.

"I'm… afraid that there is a chance that he won't come out of it. At least not for a while." Anders begins to wring his hands. "This is highly unusual. I can't think of… there must have been some trace of poison on the spear!" His attention snaps back to the archer and he begins reexamining the area of entry. "Yes! That was it!" Hands moving fluidly back and forth across the leg, Anders begins to draw a couple drops of grayish liquid through the skin. They turn to ice and he casts them to the side. "That toxin was effecting him neurologically without my notice."

Hawke's eyebrows shoot up and she swipes a tear from her cheek. "So, he should be fine now?"

Unconvinced, my eyes remain on Sebastian's unconscious face. _Good that he found that as soon as he did, but this is far from over. That poison was in his system for quite a while. FASTA VASS! I could have pulled that out as soon as it happened and prevented this!_ I let out a breath. _But no. Then he would have already bled to death. There was nothing more I could have done… Hawke and Anders' absence was the reason for this! If they would have been there, as they were supposed to be, he would halfway to Hightown with us right now, dropping Qunari with every arrow._ I don't have to hear Anders' response to know the answer. _Sebastian won't be fighting the rest of this battle with us. If he ever fights another at all._ I force my way out of the clinic, not wanting to look at any of them.

As I pass, Varric says something to me, but I don't comprehend it. Instead of pausing, I run down the nearest staircase and collapse against the wall beside it. I slam my fist into the dirt, over and over again, but with my weakened strength it hardly makes a dent. _VENHEDIS, VENDEDIS, VENHEDIS!_ I'm filled with rage for my friend and betrayal from Hawke's absence. _What use is caring if it only accompanies pain and disappointment?! She wasn't there! She should have been there!_ I let myself scream and clutch my head between my hands. _Why did I let myself become friends with him?! This shouldn't matter! Hawke is one who feels things. I get her through it. I'm not supposed to be affected!_ My thoughts all blur together until I can no longer discern who or what I'm angry with. I want to hate Hawke, I want to blame myself, but it's all overwhelmed by this crippling worry and nausea. I don't want to be alone, and I need for Sebastian to make it through this.

My stomach toys around with the idea of vomiting, but can't seem to commit to it. Instead I'm left trembling with my fingers digging into my knees, my body too depleted of energy to steady itself.

Footsteps descend the stairs and Hawke slides down the wall to sit next to me, a few feet away. She doesn't say anything, but I can tell from her breathing that she's crying.

I don't look at her. We sit in silence.


	46. Unfamiliar Visage

**I had intended to post this sooner but it really needed a second part, so I waited until it was fully fleshed out.**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 20th

I know we're wasting too much time. Lives are being lost. Kirkwall is falling further into destruction every moment we spend sitting here. Yet, somehow it all feels so far away; I'm caught between my ingrained reaction to comfort Hawke, telling her it isn't her fault, and feeling that she caused this by deserting us. I honestly believe that both of these things are true. Simultaneously, I want to scream at her and hug her. It's crushing. Hawke has been the constant in my life and I've tried my best to be the anchor in hers. Now, I can't bring myself to look at her.

"Fenris… You're shaking." Hawke sniffles. "Are you okay?"

I force myself abruptly to my feet, my legs hardly able to hold me upright. "No." I march up the stairs and back into the clinic. _I am so far from okay. Fucked up is even insufficient._ _But we have to…_ I manage a few deep breaths. _We have to continue with this fight. Otherwise Sebastian was injured in it for nothing. If he dies, it needn't be in vain._

Once inside, I can tell Sebastian's condition has not changed. However, Merrill is up walking around. She spots me and grins, her eyes fill with tears. "Oh, Fenris! Thank you, you saved my life! I'm so sorry you had to see me like that… I was out of my head with worry when I saw you surrounded and I haven't been quite right since Isabela left anyway." She dashes over and throws her arms around me.

The markings on my body jolt me with a burning pain all over. My vision goes black and I cry out, falling to the ground. _FASTA VASS!_ I dig my fingers into the ground.

"Oh!" Merrill squeaks with concern, kneeling beside me. "What happened? Are you alright?!"

I growl, not angry with her, just very much in both physical and psychological agony. "NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT!" I snarl. "The lyrium in my skin is threatening to tear me apart, Sebastian might not make it through this, and we have a war to fight! Talk to me about being alright when the city is not currently burning outside, and I can pick up my sword again!" I want to punch a hole in something, but I know that isn't possible and this makes me even more angry. "Anders, can you do something to help me before I lose my FUCKING MIND?!"

Merrill flinches but remains close to me, her face full of worry.

The healer complies, putting our distaste for each other aside for a moment and restoring the power to my muscles. "This should help, but I'm not familiar with the ritual used to embed the lyrium in your skin. I can't say what it'll do for that."

 _Great. Very reassuring._ I take a moment, trying in vain to consolidate my thoughts before I stand up. Thankfully, I am now able to stand without shaking. Hesitant to attempt it so soon, I carefully engage the markings on my hand. They still sting more than usual but I don't have time to worry about that. "It's fine."

"Are you sure?" Anders wrinkles his face. "I could try to give you something else."

I glower at no one in particular. "I said it's fine."

Hoping to diffuse the tension in room, Varric takes charge of the conversation and begins making sure everyone is equipped with everything they might need. I tune him out and move away from the still concerned Merrill, not wishing to talk further with anyone.

My body still feels off, but its strength has returned and that's something I find immense comfort in. Even though my mind is no less cluttered, at least I have that. For a moment, I feel déjà vu; the reliance on my abilities set in contrast to the powerlessness over my thoughts mirrors that of the first time I began letting Hawke into my mind. _Surely, I'm not still capable of reverting back to that miserable way of processing._ I shudder at the thought. _No, my strength will not be a crutch. I am grateful for it, but it is not my defining point. And… neither is Hawke._ I pause at the sudden realization. _I helped Sebastian and Merrill because_ I _wanted to. And Hawke made a poor decision that she regrets. Ultimately, we're separate; I can be bothered by what she did, and she can be grateful for what I did, but our choices weren't reliant on each other and that's how it should be. I don't have to believe that it's wrong to care about someone else; I've been too dependent on her in determining how I should feel. Hawke didn't run off out of malicious intent, and even if she would have, her betrayal wouldn't have left me with nothing. There would still be people and things I care about…_

I pull myself back into reality, rolling my shoulders to loosen them up. "Anders, do you have someone who can stay with Sebastian? We can't leave him unprotected."

Anders nods. "Yes. I've secured a former patient of mine to tend to the clinic in my absence."

"Excellent." As my gaze sweeps the room, I realize Hawke never reentered. _Fasta vass. I've got to go talk to her… She's devastated I'm sure._

I exit the hovel and walk back to where I had left Hawke. She remains there, staring blankly ahead of her. I look at her with pity, my anger towards her having disappeared along with my dependence. Now it is my turn to slide down the wall and sit at her side. "Hawke."

She blinks her red, tired eyes a couple times before turning them towards me. "How is it that I can only try to do the best for everyone and still so royally screw up their lives instead? Fenris, I almost got the three of you killed today… and I still might… How am I supposed to live with that?" She twists her fingers into her hair, pulling on it. "Maker, I bet you hate me. Saying sorry will never be enough…"

"No, it won't." I look at her seriously. "But meaning it will be. I know that you do."

Her breath comes out shaky and relieved. "Really? Thank you. And thank you for not leaving them. I know it was horrible…"

I pause. _It's important that I tell her the truth._ "You don't have to thank me. I… I didn't do it for you. I saved them for them, and for me."

Confused, Hawke's eyebrows knit together before the realization hits her. "Fenris, I appreciate that even more." A small smile appears on her lips.

This takes me aback, as I was afraid she would feel somehow cheated by this transference of my affections. "Well then, for that I am glad." I contemplate saying something else, but now is not the time to explore feelings or decide what this change should mean for us. This is the moment to suck it up and defend Kirkwall.

I stand and offer Hawke my hand, pulling her to her feet. Seeing her tear streaked face more clearly in the light, I soften my expression. I'm reminded of how her compassion was one of the things that made me fall in love with her. _There may be much more to discuss, but I won't allow this to be like those times in the past. I meant it when I said I would remain by her side._ I pull Hawke into my arms and hug her, despite the pain. She melts against my chest, breathing a sigh of gratitude. As we start to move apart, I press my lips to hers before whispering, "I do love you."

She returns the kiss, speaking softly against my mouth. "I never doubted that. I love you too."

I look up at her and she rests her forehead lightly against mine before we step away from each other. _It felt good to be honest with her._

Straightening up, I ask, "Are you ready to get back to Aveline?"

Hawke gives her head a little shake to clear it and then assumes her snarky façade. She smirks as a fireball appears in her palm. "It's payback time. Let's go roast some Qunari ass."

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 20th

And roast Qunari ass she did. The path we weaved through back to Hightown is littered with the charred corpses of any who dared show themselves. Hawke has the innate capacity to channel any emotion into either sass or casting ability. This can serve to be tremendously helpful. However, you do have to be able to get past the cringe of her asking a Qunari how he was coping with heartburn, moments before flames erupted from his chest cavity.

As we enter the Hightown market, we spot two Qunari dragging a screaming woman by her ankle. Her purple dress is torn, and she sobs as the cobblestone scrapes across her skin. "Parshaara! Quit your struggling, woman!" The behemoth clenches his hand tighter, breaking her foot.

We rush towards them and the second Qunari spots us. "Teth a! Basalit-an!"

 _At least they remain respectful._ I snort indignantly.

"Then the Arishok failed to take you captive." The man drops his bawling prisoner and she frantically crawls away. "Unfortunate."

Hawke pops her knuckles. "And here I was thinking you'd be happy to see me."

Knowing our enemies have no interest in such pleasantries, I charge the Qunari without waiting for the banter to continue. The first parries my slice just to step into a bolt from Bianca. It sticks right in his thick neck, but he pretends not to notice, opting instead to shove me backwards. I stumble a few steps before lashing out with my blade and slicing open the second foe's thigh.

When Hawke sees the bolt, she lights it like a fuse. The Qunari reels, cursing in Qunlat as his entire head is engulfed in flames. Merrill casts a death cloud on the remaining man, thrusting him into a state of delusion and torment. He shrieks and claws at his face as I plunge my sword into his chest and end his life.

 _It is such a relief to be fighting in a group again. And with both of my arms. I need to remember not to take this for granted._

With the skirmish finished, we regroup in the center of the market. There's no sign of the woman they had captured; she must have been mobile enough to get herself inside a building.

"Does anyone need any potions or poultices?" Anders asks, looking us over. "The last thing we need is someone running out of energy and being left defenseless."

The lot of us shake our heads, electing to save all our supplies for when we are in dire need of them.

"Hawke, you might have noticed the Qunari call you Basalit-an." I begin. "That's a term used only with those they deem worth of respect."

She quirks an eyebrow. "Well, they have a funny way of showing it."

"Perhaps. However, this brings to mind a possible option. With the esteem the Arishok holds you in, you could challen-" My words are cut off as an energy blast flings us down and my face collides with the ground. _VENHEDIS!_ Our bodies are pinned to the ground by an invisible force.

A Saarebas strides towards us grumbling incoherently. He holds his hands high, drawing energy into two blue masses of power. His arms draw back to smite us as we struggle in vain to move away from him. Hawke's eyes meet mine and she mouths, "We're going to be okay."

Just as the Saarebas slams his arms down to release the power, a sword explodes through his chest, dropping him to his knees.

We scramble to right ourselves, as a blonde woman in a full suit of armor slices our attacker's head off, ending him. "I am Knight-Commander Meredith." She pauses, appraising Hawke as she rights herself. "I know you."

 _Hmm… Fascinating that we're only just meeting her now. It's a good thing she came along when she did though. I wonder how long it will take her to realize she is in the presence of not only three apostates but a maleficar and an abomination. This could be interesting._

Hawke offers two half-hearted jazz hands and a concerned smile. "Ta-da, it's me."

"The name 'Hawke' has turned up in my reports many times." The older woman looks upon my beloved with distain. "Too many." She sighs and turns, beckoning us to walk with her. "But that doesn't matter now. The Qunari are taking people to the Keep and may already be in control. We will need to deal with them."

Hawke squints at her. "What? Not so much as I a 'hi, how are you doing? Did you get any internal injuries?' And you're already trying to give me orders?"

"This is your city as well as mine. Defend it." Meredith scowls. "I'm sure you'll appreciate me not locking up you and your other apostates right now. Head to the Keep, and I will see if I can find more of my men. These creatures will pay for this outrage." She growls and marches up the stairs and away from us.

Bewildered by the exchange, Hawke blinks a few times before smirking. "She's scary. I like her."

I give her a scathing glare. "Yes, why don't you go hit on the leader of the templars? That should get you so far in life."

"Hey, I would never do it. But I can still appreciate her." She chuckles.

"Hawke." I grumble.

She winks at me. "I'm kidding. I'm just being dramatic. It's what I do."

 _Well, that's certainly true._

Varric shakes his head, amused. "Let's get going and listen to the boss lady. If you want to fantasize or have a lovers quarrel, we can do that later."

"Yes, although I do have to agree with Hawke." Anders shrugs. "For a more mature woman, Meredith has a lot going for her. I wouldn't say no. Well, that is barring the notion that she would have left the Templars first."

"Thank you!" Hawke gestures in his direction.

Merrill looks between them, horribly lost, but doesn't interject.

 _Lucky her. I'd prefer not to know what they were talking about._ I resume walking and the rest follow suit, though not giving up their conversation.

"Are you kidding?" Varric asks. "Blondie, you're seriously expecting me to believe that you never slept with a Templar while you were in the circle?"

The healer crosses his arms. "It wasn't as if I fell in love with one." He huffs.

"I knew it!" Varric slaps his knee. "I bet one of your escapes involved you fleeing a sleeping Templar in nothing but your boots!"

 _Now there's a mental image I wish I could burn out of my brain…_

Hawke snorts obnoxiously.

"In fact, not!" Anders turns his pout into a smirk. "Besides, what do you think mage robes are for? Quick trysts in the corner couldn't be easier. Although I suppose you wouldn't know, no dwarven mages and all that." He pauses. "Unless you and Hawke ever..."

Varric looks momentarily offended but immediately locks eyes with Hawke and they both burst out laughing. Then they shout, "He wishes!" "She wishes!" At the same time and fall into further cackling.

Merrill joins in the merriment, more amused by their amusement than anything else.

 _Those two…_ I shake my head, but I can't help but smile a little; Hawke and Varric have the kind of friendship that I aspire to have, eventually. Sure, Hawke and I love each other, but it isn't the same as what's between them. _Perhaps I'm too harsh for something like that, but maybe not. After all, what I have now was seemingly impossible before._

Somewhere deep down, I feel a tug of what feels like guilt. It isn't that I'm afraid I've stolen her away from Varric; I know they probably wouldn't ever look at each other like that. But I feel concerned that Hawke wouldn't have committed herself to me so long ago if I hadn't been entirely alone. I begin to worry that because I needed her, she might have missed out on something better than what I can offer her. _Hawke's need to save and protect me might have blinded her to the fact that she could have had someone who could make her laugh._ My eyes drop to the ground. _Will she regret this years from now when she no longer sees me as a project that she needs to fix?_


	47. Coalescing Rivals

**Funny thing about having a common enemy: it really brings people together?**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 20th

As we emerge into the main square, our weapons are drawn without hesitation. It's overrun by Qunari. The bodies of circle mages are strewn about, some still casting from where they lay and others lifeless.

"NO!" Anders roars at sight. "They should have been sent to their families when this began! Not forced to give their lives!"

 _He acts as if it is only mages who have suffered today! Is Sebastian's condition so insignificant?!_ I channel my rage for Anders into my arms and charge the nearest group of adversaries. With a swing of my blade, I fell one and take a chunk out of the abdomen of another. Moments later, a bolt from Bianca flies through the exposed tissue, and the beast drops.

The last Qunari of the group smashes his spear into my shoulder, slamming me onto the ground. Wasting no time, I kick him squarely on the kneecap. His leg snaps, and he crashes to the stone beside me. A spray of bolts follow him, and I roll to the side, leaping up, as he is impaled over and over again. _Good work Varric._

A pair of Sten charge Hawke and Anders, but I'm faster. I head them off, plunging my blade through the chest of one and shoving his body into the other, knocking him off balance. The Sten's clothes burst into flames, and I turn my attention elsewhere, knowing Hawke will make short work of him.

Just then, a rogue appears behind me out of a shadowed vail. His fingers lock around my throat and lift me from the ground. Struggling to draw in breath, I engage my markings and phase out of his grasp. Before he can realize what's happened, I punch him in the face with his own heart.

As I close the distance between myself and three more Qunari, my skin feels as if it's being peeled from my bones. I scream in pain and fight to stay on my feet. My sword falls from my grasp and blackness fills my vision. I'm faintly aware of a stabbing pain in my gut but it is overshadowed by the torture of my markings.

A blast of energy explodes in front of me and then I'm being pulled backwards. Hands struggle to stabilize my body as it convulses as if being shocked. A healing spell rushes over me, and I begin to regain vision. "Don't try to move." Anders instructs, pressing a bottle to my lips. "Drink this."

I comply, expecting a healing potion. What reaches my mouth instead is something strange and potent that I've never tasted before. I force it down and feel a weird tingling across every inch of my skin coupled with a horrible twisting in my stomach. Glaring at Anders, I demand, "What did you give me?"

He remains focused and passes healing hands over me. "Does it matter? It seems to be working."

"Yes, I think it-" I sit bolt upright, out of Anders' lap, and vomit on the ground. My gut retches and protests, while my skin feels foreign. "Festis bei umo canavarum!" _What is happening?!_

Anders makes an irritated noise. "Shit! It was working! Here drink another one." The mage presses a bottle of blue liquid against my chest.

My eye widen and snap to his face. "You gave me a lyrium potion?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"Would you rather I let you die?" Anders snarls. "Your tattoos have used up more energy than they've created, they have nothing to draw from except for your life force! As far as I can tell, you need more lyrium to fuel them! What did you want me to do? Strip you and start rubbing it into your skin?"

I glare at him harshly but snatch the bottle. _I'm going to regret this I'm sure, but I don't see much option._ Tilting it up, I down the potion and clench my teeth begging it to stay down.

"Fenris!" Hawke exclaims, running over to me now that the Qunari have been vanquished. "Is he alright?" She asks Anders.

Cringing at the horrible turns in my stomach, I manage to nod to her that I'm okay. _Kaffas, this stuff is vile!_ Still, despite the pain it invokes, the ache of my skin is beginning to wan.

"He'll be fine." Anders checks my stab wound, noting it to be fully healed. "Right now, I'm trying to replenish the lyrium in his system."

Merrill walks up, looking concerned. "But he's not a mage; won't he be addicted to it now? Like the Templars?"

"Considering he usually has lyrium running through his veins and is only rarely, if ever again, going to drink it in the diluted form, no." Anders replies with confidence.

There's a groaning and shuffling noise towards the center of the square that draws our attention. A male elven mage with distasteful slicked back grey hair, is stirring. _Huh, one survived._

Anders' eyebrows shoot up. "First Enchanter Orsino lives."

Being the closest to the man, Varric helps him to his feet. "I'd say you were lucky we came by when we did."

"Many thanks, my friends." Orsino nods to us, still groggy. He looks around and horror fill his face. "The others? Surely they cannot all be…" Distraught, he runs over to the nearest body and drops to his knees, turning it over. "Gone… I told them to run…"

Hawke frowns at the ground. "We just didn't make it here in time. I'm so sorry."

Heavy foot fall can be heard approaching before the Templars come into view, Meredith at the head. "First Enchanter Orsino. You survive." She says in bored tone, approaching him.

We all stand and convene together.

Orsino narrows his eyes at the imposing blonde woman. "Your relief overwhelms me, Knight-Commander."

 _Ah, I was hoping there could be more mage-templar bickering. There can never be enough._

The Templar at Meredith's right hand begins taking off his helmet. "It figures I'd find you in the middle of this, Sister."

"Where ever there's trouble, that's where you'll find me." Hawke smirks.

Carver glowers at her. "The last time trouble followed you, it found Mother."

 _Aaaaand he's still a dick._ I cross my arms. _He could have prevented that more than she could have._

Hawke bristles and steps towards him but she's knocked aside as Merrill throws her arms around Carver's neck. "Oh, younger Hawke! I missed you!"

The templar stumbles backwards, caught off guard, dropping his helmet. "Oh, uh, hi." Carver stammers, returning the hug, careful not to crush the tiny woman in his bulky armor. His cheeks flush pink and he gives her a dorky grin.

"Well, if it isn't Junior." Varric says the words as if they put a bad taste in his mouth.

Meredith glares at the lot of us. "Silence! There's no time for talk. We must strike back, before it's too late."

The blood mage turns Carver loose and scurries to stand next to me, clearly frightened of the Knight Commander.

"But who will lead us into the battle? You?" Orsino challenges her.

She steps closer to him, not backing down. "I will fight to defend this city, as I have always done!"

The powerful mage scoffs. "To control it, you mean! I won't have our lives tossed to the flames to feed your vanity!"

Hawke steps between them and sighs with annoyance. "There will be no being at each other's throats! Although, if you two want to wrestle it out, that's none of my business." She clears her throat. "Anyway, I'm in charge."

I hold back a snort of amusement. _That's my girl; not only getting involved in the affairs of others but taking full responsibility for it._

"You?!" Meredith balks. "You aren't even of this city!"

Orsino nods to Hawke. "Neither am I, yet I don't hear you complaining about us both fighting to defend our home."

It's clear that she wishes to continue the debate, but Meredith concedes, knowing times is limited. "Very well, then. But whatever you plan, be quick about it."

"This should be interesting." Carver muses.

The First Enchanter turns to Hawke, gladly handing leadership over to her. "Tell us, then: what is our course of action?"

"First off," She levels her brother under an icy glare. "Carver can stop being a little bitch."

He starts to protest, but I silence him with a snarl.

"Then let's find out what the Qunari are planning but not risk our necks in the process." Hawke straightens up, taking command of the situation.

Meredith nods her approval. "An excellent choice. Let's move quickly."

We maneuver through the square, avoiding the bodies of the fallen mages. Before we can exit the square, Aveline and a small portion of her guard jog up to us. "Oh, no you don't Hawke. This is my fight too."

My beloved smiles sheepishly at the red head. "I- I know that. We were just coming to find you!"

Aveline snorts with disbelief and tosses Hawke an amulet. "At any rate, thank the Maker you're here now. The Grey Wardens are useless."

"Aren't they? That is exactly why I left," Ander tisks.

 _Where have I heard that before._ I roll my eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Hawke asks, putting the necklace on.

The Guard Caption shakes her head. "Some bullshit about Grey Wardens not meddling in the affairs of others. Garbage. I know the Blight was ended by just that. They could do some good here, but they refuse."

"Well, we have this handled. There's no reason to cry about it." Meredith urges Hawke to keep walking, our group now quite formidable in size.

Aveline's eyes glare daggers into the back of the Knight Commander's head.

 _If there is anyone who doesn't cry about things, it would be Aveline._


	48. Daunting Duel

**Things are going down! O.O**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 20th

As we near the Viscount's Keep, the uproar of Qunari can be heard clearly throughout the streets.

"There seem to be a great many Qunari at the Keep's entrance." Orsino puts forth after peeking around the corner.

Meredith scowls. "Then they've already taken it over. Clearly they've been planning this for some time."

 _As long as they have been here, I don't doubt it. There has been no shortage of time._ I cross my arms and lean against the wall, conserving energy for a moment.

"Either that or we're the pushovers they think we are." Carver say haughtily.

 _Did he inherit the superiority complex from Gamlen?_

Aveline sneaks a look at the front of the Keep. "I don't see any of my guardsmen. Alive or dead." Her eyebrows knit together.

"This is the only way in. We must assault them now, before their number grow." The Knight Commander clenches a fist

Orsino challenges her, "Are you mad? They have hostages! We need a distraction."

Stepping forward, Hawke holds out her arms. "You both have valid points. I will take them into consideration." Her eyes bounce back and forth between them.

 _As with most situations, I'd rather machete through this. But hostages might not survive that method._

"Decide quickly. We have no time." Meredith urges.

The raven-haired mage nods. "Alright, a direct assault is too risky. I don't want any more innocents hurt today. I'll need a distraction to get me inside and the rest of you can catch up when possible."

I stiffen at this proposition, despising the notion of Hawke facing an army alone. Yet, I know it would be fruitless to argue with her. I place my hope in her casting ability and the Qunari's adherence to their customs. _They should still accept her in one on one combat rather than slaughtering her on sight. I hope._

"And just how will we do this?" Meredith asks, unconvinced.

Orsino pulls his ornate dragon staff from his back and smirks at her. "Have confidence, Knight Commander." With this, he charges the entrance of the Keep, prepared to give anything to avenge his fallen students. "You will not conquer this city without a fight!" He shouts.

"Saarebas! Vinek kathas!" A large Qunari orders. But his words fall on dead ears as a huge blast of fire tears through his ranks.

Hawke runs to the corner, waiting until the First Enchanter has drawn all attention to himself. "Fenris, Merrill, Aveline! With me, now!" She beckons us to follow her and we hurriedly do so, sneaking up the shadowed side of the stair case and through the grand doors.

 _Thank the Maker we made it in. And that she didn't go alone._

As we enter the building filled with terrified citizens, the Arishok turns from the throne and tosses a severed head down the stairs. It bounces, spraying blood, and the crown upon it rolls off. "Here is your viscount."

My eyes widen. _Not a promising start._

A noble man dashes from the crowd, waving a finger at the Arishok. "You dare?! You are starting a war!" His protest is ended as a Qunari steps forward and snaps his neck.

"Look at you. Like fat dathrasi you feed and feed and complain only when your meal is interrupted." The Arishok rumbles. "You do not look up. You do not see that the grass is bare. All you leave in your wake is misery. You are blind. I will make you see." His attention turns to Hawke as she strides closer to the stairs. "But we have guests. Shanedan, Hawke. I expected you. But, for all your might, you are not much different from these bas. You do not see."

Hawke places her hands on her hips, causing Aveline to cringe. "I see just fine. Better than most actually." She smirks. "But eyes aside: this must end."

"Perhaps. Prove yourself, basra, or kneel with your brethren." At this, he marches back up the stairs.

 _The time for talk has come to an end._ We draw our weapons as a group of Qunari move in on us, the hostages fleeing to the corners of the room. As poorly as my last attempt to fight went, I shouldn't be as ready for this as I am. But I'm quite ready to be on with it.

I bare my teeth in a growl, launching myself into the fray. My blade connects with the thick neck of a Qunari, slicing cleanly through it. I kick the body away, withdrawing my weapon and slamming the hilt into abdomen of another. This man is not hindered and lashes out with his elbow, connecting it with my jaw. Like a rag doll, I'm tossed to ground. Blood fills my mouth and with one swift movement I pop my jaw back into place. _Vishante kaffas!_ I jump to my feet as the Qunari reaches me again, spitting blood in his face as I drive my sword through his chest.

As he hits the ground, I slide to the center of the room getting back to back with Aveline.

She smiles over her shoulder at me as we push back the next wave. "It's been a while since we've fought like this."

"Glad to have your back, Aveline." I nod, knocking a spear out of the air with the blunt side of my blade.

A group of Qunari charge us but are slammed on the ground by Hawke's force magic before they come within range. Merrill promptly casts a green cloud over them, their skin melts and flesh peels from their bones as they draw their last breaths. Aveline and I move in sync, deflecting attacks and covering the mages as they proceed to rain hell down upon our enemies. A particularly fast Sten charges the guard captain. However, she catches him by surprise, holding her ground and ramming him with her shield. The Sten is knocked prone. Aveline and I fluidly switch places, and I flay him open. The final three attacking Qunari are impaled by ice spears from Hawke and struggle briefly before hanging limp.

We regroup, standing stronger together, and hesitantly sheathe our weapons.

"Parshaara." The Arishok says, his face unreadable, making his way back down the stairs towards us. "You are basalit-an after all. You in fact do deserve that title. Few in this city command such respect."

Hawke holds herself steady, maintaining serious eye contact with him. _Good. Please do not mouth off to him again._

"So, tell me, Hawke. You know I am denied Par Vollen until the Tome of Koslun is found. How would you see this conflict resolved without it?" The Arishok demands.

A thud sounds out behind us and as a Qunari guard is knocked to the ground. "I believe I can answer that." A familiar silky voice answers.

I turn to watch as Isabela waltzes into the room, stepping on the guards back as she crosses, the tome under her arm. _So, the wench returns. Perhaps she hasn't forgotten her loyalty._

Beside me, Merrill squeals with delight, and I grab her arm to keep her from flinging herself at the pirate. "Not yet." I whisper to the tiny mage. She nods vigorously but squirms anyway.

Isabela winks at Hawke as she passes and hands the giant book to the Arishok. "I'm sure you'll find it's mostly undamaged."

"The Tome of Koslun." The Arishok turns it over in his clawed hands.

The busty woman falls into line with us, addressing Hawke. "It took me a while to get back, what with all the fighting everywhere. You know how it is." She shrugs.

Hawke stares at her dumbfounded. "You came back? Your note… I thought we'd seen the last of you."

"This is your damned influence, Hawke." Isabela scowls. "I was halfway to Ostwick before I knew I had to run around. It's pathetic."

 _It seems we can all be a little pathetic when it comes to Hawke._ I hold back a snort of amusement. _Good on her for returning._ My face hardens when I realize that this is far from over. _But she is not going to be allowed to leave. They'll still have her head for this._

"Isabela…" Merrill murmurs, her eyes wide and full of tears.

The pirate beams at her and closes the distance between them, pulling her up into a deep kiss on the lips. "I missed you Kitten." She grins, setting the smaller woman down.

 _Huh._

Merrill's pale skin blushes a deep red, and she covers her mouth with her hands.

"The relic is reclaimed." The Arishok announces, handing it to one of his men. "I am now free to return to Par Vollen—with the thief."

Isabela's head snaps around. "What?!"

A strangled sound leaves Merrill's throat as her face falls into one of terror.

"You stranded them here for four years, Isabela." I supply. "There are consequences."

The Arishok rakes his gaze across the lot of us. "She stole the Tome of Koslun. She must return with us."

Hawke glare harshly back at him. "You have your relic. She stays with us."

I stand up straighter, knowing nothing good will come of this. _Fasta vass._ I knew Hawke wouldn't give her up, and I didn't want her to, but this is serious. _There will be one on one combat and… Hawke could die here._ Pulling in a deep breath, I fight to keep my heart rate down. _I can't lose her. Not yet. Not here. Yet, I am powerless to do anything…_ The claws of my gauntlets pierce my palms, and I focus on the pain, trying in vain to distract myself.

"Then you leave me no choice. I challenge you, Hawke. You and I will battle to the death, with her as the prize." The Arishok pulls his weapon from his back.

Isabela steps in front of Hawke. "No! If you're going to duel anyone, duel me!"

My respect for the pirate rises at this. _She's attempting to take responsibility for herself._

"You are not basalit-an. You are unworthy." He dismisses her.

 _She isn't, but perhaps—_ I begin to step forward but Hawke rounds on me. "No! This is my fight now." She eyes each of us. "I'm going to do this. And I will fucking kill anyone of you who interferes. This war ends now." Hawke turns back around with a forced smirk; her arms open wide. "Your death, your rules."

I growl but don't contest her. _She's so bent on protecting us that she's going to get herself killed! VENHEDIS!_ It takes every bit of willpower I possess to not knock her out, throw her over my shoulder, and get the hell out of here. _None of this will have meant anything if she dies tonight!_ I want to rip the Arishok's heart out myself. _But I can't step in at any point or the duel will be forfeit; she'd never forgive me._

"Maravas! So shall it be!" The Arishok shouts.

Then we're forced into the corner of the room as the challenge begins. My shoulders tremble slightly as I fear for her life. _She's powerful, and has the strongest will I've ever seen, but she's still just one mage…_ Aveline places her hand on my shoulder to steady it, and I squeeze my eyes shut. _Maker, don't let this be the end._


	49. Novel Champion

**I hope this battle isn't too... Ari-shocking XD**

 **I'm excited for the next section I'm working on; I think you'll like it!**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 21st

The Arishok charges Hawke. She flings herself out of the way and does an awkward roll to gain more distance. As she hops to her feet, she slams her staff deliberately on the ground and something huge erupts from the dust with a snarl. She smirks at her opponent's bewildered face as her Mabari knocks him to the ground, slashing a gash in the side of his face.

My eyebrows shoot up. _Technically allowed. Clever. She'll need every trick she can fenagle._

"Oh! Good boy, Harley!" Merrill cheers loudly in my ear. "Get em!"

Within moments, the Arishok has regained his footing and swings his ax at the war dog. Harley dodges under it and sinks his teeth into the Qunari's calf, ripping out a chunk of flesh.

Taking advantage of this distraction, Hawke casts a rain of fireballs down upon her foe as she continues to gain distance.

 _That's it. Don't let him get close enough to touch you. The best defense is not being there at all._

The Arishok is unphased by the fire and pushes through it, deciding to ignore the incessant attacks from the animal. He crosses the room in an instant, forcing Hawke's back into the corner. His blade strikes the wall as she drops to the ground and sends an icicle through his foot. With a holler of outrage, he kicks Hawke in the ribs with his uninjured leg. Her body skids a few yards across the ground and she lands wheezing.

 _NO!_ My hands wring each other painfully tight. Aveline stiffens beside me and Merrill turns, hiding her face in Isabela's shoulder.

"This isn't right! She shouldn't be fighting my battles!" Isabela shouts, her voice thick with emotion. No one turns or pays her any mind.

Harley pounces in front of Hawke shielding her, teeth bared with foam spilling around them. My beloved snatches a potion from her belt and downs it, jumping to her feet as the healing properties take effect. She attempts a blast of force magic, but the gigantic man shrugs it off and remains on his feet.

The Arishok's sword connects with the Mabari hound's flank as it avoids his ax. Blood sprays the floor, and the dog lets out a howl of pain. He crawls on his belly out of the way, whimpering.

Fury ignites in Hawke's eyes, and she slams her staff into the Arishok's face, sending electricity coursing through his body. The ox man is forced down onto one knee, convulsing violently. Still, he is not vanquished. With an upward swing of his forearm, the Qunari knocks the staff to the side, thus breaking the connection. He shoves his weight up off the ground, ramming Hawke with his shoulder. She stumbles backwards and hits him with a cone of cold, freezing him in place. Immediately, she casts heal on Harley, and his wound knits itself back together. Then she dashes backwards and strikes the frozen man with a stone fist. The ice incasing him shatters, and he's knocked prone.

Before Hawke can claim her victory, the Arishok nocks back a healing potion and regains his footing.

 _FASTA VASS!_ My feet ache to pace but there's not room. I tap my foot increasingly quickly. _I hate sitting here useless while she risks her life!_ I look with scorn at the Qunari who forced us into this corner, wishing I could rip his heart out.

As time passes, Hawke and the Arishok continuing to trade blows, drinking potions, and wearing each other down, I grow more and more anxious. I just want it to be over. I long for her strike him dead. I need to know the outcome. The suspense is agony. My mind jumps to Varric and the others. _It must be just as worrisome for them; out there with no word, not knowing if we even still live. What if Sebastian has awoken? Having been left there for so long without anyone returning, he must assume the worst—and he wouldn't be far off. If Hawke is slain, there's no guaranteeing we'll be allowed to walk away…_ I let out an unsteady breath. _For me, that's probably best. Losing Hawke would be… To no longer have her—I – no. She will win. Nothing has ever stopped her before. She's survived situations every bit this impossible in the past. This won't be any exception._ I try to believe this. I need to believe this. But now, watching the woman I love being brutally beaten by a creature twice her size, it's beyond difficult.

Blood pours from a gash across Hawke's forehead where the ax nearly ended the duel. Trapped in corner, she swipes it out of her eyes and searches for an opening. The Arishok's blade finds its mark, lodging itself in her side. Hawke gasps and chokes, her hands flying to the wound. She clutches frantically at the sword, slicing her hands open in a futile attempt to remove it.

"KEEP FIGHTING!" I scream at the top of my lungs, begging her to stay alive. _This… no… This can't be the end!_

Merrill sobs in Isabela's arms as the pirate stands frozen in place, not daring to move. Aveline covers her mouth with her hands, horrified.

The Arishok lifts Hawke off the ground with his blade. "Ataas shokra, Hawke. This is the end."

She closes her eyes as if waiting for the final turn of the blade. As the Arishok begins to move, Harley's teeth snap closed in the center of his back. His hand releases the weapon, and his neck snaps backwards in pain. Hawke lunges forward, a spear of ice appearing in her hand. She slashes his throat open and drives the spear through his jaw into the brain. As the Arishok falls dead, Hawke collapses to her knees, the Qunari blade still lodged inside her.

The crowd of hostages slowly begin to clap, their fear turning into whoops of joy.

 _She actually did it! But it won't matter if she doesn't make it._ I rush across the room and drop down next to her, putting my arm gently around her shoulders. _There's so much blood…_ "Hawke, are you in pain?"

Harley whines, and rests his head against her thigh, trying to comfort her.

Hawke looks at me excitedly, despite the dullness in her eyes. "I got that fucker good, huh?" She coughs violently, slumps against me. "That's what happens to anyone who touches my friends or my dog." Her bloody hand grabs weakly at mine.

"Oh, Creators. Hawke!" Merrill cries from behind me.

The large double doors fly open and Meredith and Orsino burst in, soldiers behind them. "Is it over?!" The Knight Commander demands.

Orsino's gaze drops to where we sit in the floor. "No!"

"ANDERS!" I call out as loud as possible.

Our healer shoves his way through the templars and drops to his knees beside us, focused. He places his hands around the blade and they glow as he carefully withdraws it bit-by-bit, careful to heal the area with every movement.

Hawke winces and squeezes her eyes closed. "When you get that out, know I'm keeping it."

"You can worry about that when you're able to stand again." Anders looks at her lovingly, and I want to vomit. But I let him have his moment, his abilities are necessary right now.

I grip her hand tightly and hold her still. _This was a closer call than I would have liked. If they would have been any slower…_

"Will she make it?" Aveline asks, walking up to us.

Anders nods. He finishes extracting the sword and places one hand on her forehead to heal the wound there. "She'll be really sore and will need to be careful for a while but—" He beams at Hawke. "You'll be just fine."

Slowly she sits up before grinning and pulling the healer into a hug. "Thank you so much!"

He gratefully hugs her back and helps her to her feet. "My pleasure."

I resist the urge to roll my eyes, opting instead to survey the room. The Qunari have all moved backwards, not a one reaching to draw a weapon.

Hawke pumps her fist in the air. "It's over!"

The hostages filling the room shout and cheer. "The city has been saved!"

"Hell yeah!" Hawke woops with them, pretending her near death was nothing, as usual.

Meredith reluctantly returns her sword to its place on her back and approaches Hawke. "Well… It appears Kirkwall has a new champion."

Varric emerges from the crowd of people and laughs at this. "Oh, don't call her that. We'll never hear the end of it." He winks at his best friend and gives her a thumbs up.

"Did you hear that?" Hawke looks at me, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm the _champion_. The Champion of Kirkwall!" Harley bounces excitedly beside her.

I exhale and return her smile. _She's alive. We made it through this._ My smile broadens into a genuine one. "I'm proud of you, Hawke."


	50. Saccharine Amour

**I didn't plan for this to be chapter 50 but, you know what, it looks like I did. So I am going to go with that XD**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 21st

As I push the door to Hawke's room closed, she lets out an exhausted sigh and slumps against the wall. "Remind me not to get stabbed again for a while. I feel like a shambling corpse." She stretches her back with a wince.

I nod and run my fingers gently down her arm. "I thought I was going to lose you today. I was willing to let Kirkwall burn to prevent that… yet, I stood there and let you get injured so badly-"

"Fenris." The raven-haired mage looks at me seriously. "Don't blame yourself for that. The only ones at fault were the Qunari. And, it ended up being okay. It won't do you any good dwelling on it."

Reluctantly, I drop the apology. My body still tries to shake as my mind replays the sight of her impaled and drenched in blood over and over again. _I was so sure that would be the last time I would hold her in my arms._ A tear drips onto my cheek, and I turn my face away from Hawke, getting rid of it before she can notice.

The beautiful woman walks sluggishly towards her bed, trying in vain to undo the buttons on the back of her robes. "Damn it. Now I have to fight my own clothes? Is there no end to it?"

I close the distance between us and unbutton it for her, gently guiding the sleeves off her shoulders. As the fabric hits the floor, I unfasten her bra as well, sending it into the pile. "There. Do you need anything?"

Hawke turns, just enough to look at me gratefully, and leans her bare back against my shoulder. "You're really wonderful, you know that?"

"I am not." Concerned that my armor will scratch her, I take her hand in mine and guide her to bed to lay down. "I love you, anyone who cared as much would do the same."

She shakes her head disbelievingly. I watch as her beautiful body slides beneath the covers and straighten up, beginning to walk to the other side of the bed.

"Are you going to go check in with Aveline and let her know we all made it back in one piece?" Hawke asks. "Because I don't mind, you don't have to stay with me."

I appreciate her saying this, and part of me wants to check on Sebastian, but I know Anders is headed there and I can't bare the thought of letting Hawke out of my sight right now. "No. I'd prefer to remain at your side."

"Even better." Hawke smiles.

With this I remove my armor and clothes, climbing in bed beside her in just my underclothes. She twines her fingers with mine the way she usually does before we fall asleep, not demanding any more contact with my skin. But this time, I pull her to me and allow her to curl up, her cheek softly resting on my chest. I wrap my arms around her and hold her closely; my markings hum dimly, but I pay them no mind. _With the lives we lead, I'm not missing another chance to hold her in my arms._

Hawke's fingers gently trace lines beside the tattoos on my stomach and lower abdomen. "I thought I was going to die too. When I accepted that duel, I was fully prepared to; I just knew I needed to take him down with me." I feel her tears drip onto my chest. "Please don't be angry… I didn't want to die. I want to grow old with you. But I… I couldn't let them take her."

 _She thinks I would be angry with her over this? Far from it._ I frown. "Hawke, I was worried. Furious over the seemingly impossible situation, but not at you."

My beloved rolls onto her stomach beside me and leans forward, pressing her lips to mine. As she pulls away, I caress her cheek. "You are beautiful."

Ivory skin flushes red, and she snickers. "Thanks, but somehow I doubt that. I did just have the battle of my life less than an hour ago."

"I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true." I don't care that her hair is mussed or that dried blood is caked along several parts of her. Hawke is always beautiful to me. No matter how disheveled, she'll always be herself, and that's what I care about.

Hawke smirks at me. "I do believe you become a better flatterer every year."

 _No, I've become more of a person every year. But I suppose that's a perk._ I chuckle. "Well, it's only for you." Drawing her closer to me, I kiss her again, slowly and deeply. She slides a hand into my hair and returns it. We both relish in the moment, enjoying being alive and able to do this. The bitter alternative at the back of our minds fueling us to continue. Our lips move together gracefully with a tenderness that neither of us is accustomed to. The urgent lustfulness that has filled most of our kisses in the past is nowhere to be found. What we have right now is simply love.

Gingerly, I run my fingers down the soft skin of her back and she moves her face, now planting tiny kisses along my jaw and neck. "Today was pretty rough, huh?" She says in a hushed voice. "It felt like a week."

My mind flickers through the events, the injuries, the doubts. "That would be an understatement." _So many things were nearly ripped apart and others certainly were. I could stand to go a long while without a repeat of something like this._

Hawke sighs and nuzzles her nose against my neck. "We survived, but so many didn't… What gives us the right to be here, to be happy after all of this? I feel so guilty right now." She relaxes her muscles, pulling away from me a bit. "One of our family is still injured. Maker, I hope Sebastian has woken up."

"Me too." I give her arm a reassuring squeeze. "I don't know that there is anything that _could_ give or take away the right to not be miserable. What I do know is that we have done everything in our power to help; certainly, it hasn't been fruitless either. You wouldn't be able to contribute any further today. You should not have to feel guilty."

Thoughts change her expression into a pensive one for a moment, but then she nods. "Regardless of if we cry or laugh, everyone outside of this room is unaffected. I suppose that does allow leniency for this." She kisses the end of my nose and I reflexively wrinkle it. This makes her giggle, pressing her hands to her cheeks.

As she starts to open her mouth, I speak first. "Don't say it. I am not cute." I roll my eyes.

At this, she giggles even louder. "Sure, you aren't." She gives an exaggerated wink.

I place a hand on her waist and softly pull her near, hugging her to me. _How interesting that I now crave her nearness and appreciate the same touches that used to elicit pain and fear. So much has changed._ My markings still glow, illuminating our bodies beneath the blankets, yet their discomfort is all but absent. There's nowhere I'd rather be right now, and nothing I'd rather be doing. We've walked a difficult road: we deserve this moment. This is our time, and it is precious. Any untoward event could pull us apart again, perhaps even sending one of us where the other cannot follow, but right now we have the chance to be together, and I'm not going to waste it.

Without thinking about it, my hand drifts down to rest on Hawke's butt as she begins kissing me again. Her lips faintly trace my ear and nibble it's pointed end. I close my eyes and press my hips against hers, letting out a breath.

She clicks her teeth together in a mock bite and playfully whispers, "Hey, that's not fair."

"What? This?" I ask, sliding between her legs and rolling her onto her back. I smile warmly and trail my fingers down her bare chest.

Hawke shivers and curves against me, a fake scowl on her face. "Yes, that. It isn't fair, and you know it."

In response, I reclaim her lips. Resolve melting away, she pulls me down and slides her fingers around the back of my neck. I run my hand down her thigh, and she hooks it around my leg, bringing us closer. When we finally end the tender exchange, I whisper in her ear. "It only isn't fair if I don't follow through."

Wide, startled eyes meet my own as Hawke begins, "You want to-"

"Yes." I nod to her, completely certain that I want this. "It's not going to be like last time."

Excitement and joy fill her face. "I love you."

Instead of repeating the words, I show her. It's much more than physical; it's trust, understanding, forgiveness, working through years of issues and uncertainty. Our bodies move carefully but passionately, so different from anything prior that dark thoughts from my past find no place to take hold in my mind. For the first time, we truly make love.


	51. Unavailing Rehabilitation

**I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! In the next few I'll be moving into act 3; it's so weird to think about, I've been writing act 2 for so many months now. It's exciting though!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 22nd

Shifting at my side wakes me from a deep peaceful sleep. I blink my eyes open to see Hawke sit up and stretch. Trails of light dance across her unclothed form.

"Daaaamn." She says through a yawn.

I prop myself up on my elbow and watch her. _That… worked out far better than I had even imagined. Thank the Maker those memories remained repressed this time._

Hawke gives me a sly sideways look. "See something you like?"

"Hmm…" My eyes slowly travel down her body as I pretend to ponder the question. "You're sexy. For a mage."

Her jaw drops, and she shoves me. "Hey!"

I laugh and sit up, kissing her on the cheek. "I believe I made it quite clear yesterday how I feel about you."

Hawke pokes her lip out in a pout. "You could remind me."

"Uh-huh." I narrow my eyes at her. _We really have things to do today. It's already late._ "Hawke, you know—"

Tossing her head back, she grumbles incoherently and scowls. "Having responsibilities sucks. What's the point of being the champion if I still have to get out of bed and do things?" The blanket shifts down, just barely covering her thighs, as she arches her back in a stretch.

 _Oh, fuck it._ I tackle Hawke onto her back and press my lips to hers.

She squeezes my shoulders and pulls back grinning. "Wow. I didn't think that would work."

I raise an eyebrow at her. "It didn't."

"That's fair. If complaining were a turn on you'd be dating Anders." Hawke snickers.

My expression turns to ice. "Hawke. If you ever bring up the abomination when we're naked again, this will be the last time I sleep with you."

Horror covers her face. "I won't! I won't! I won't! It was just a joke. I'm sorry!"

Rolling my eyes, I reply, "Alright then."

I pause for a moment and Hawke peeks through her fingers at me, clearly trying to decide if I'm angry or not.

 _She's adorable._ I shake my head with a chuckle.

A bewildered look comes across her face. "What? What did I do now?"

In response, I kiss her again. Pulling the blanket up to cover us, I slide my hands down her body. "You're right, I think Kirkwall can manage without us for a few more hours."

"A few more hours?" Hawke asks with delighted surprise. "And what do you suggest we do with all that time?" She smirks.

I press my lips to her jaw, her neck, her shoulder. She sighs and leans into me. "I believe we can come up with a few things." I trace one finger down her side. "As I recall, we have several years to make up for."

"That's enough," She pushes me onto my back and swings her leg over to stand on her knees over me. "Less talking, more doing. You're too sexy, I can't take it."

 _Fine by me._

* * *

After finally managing to drag ourselves out of bed, bathe, and look nearly presentable, we quietly exit Hawke's bedroom.

"Good evening Serah Hawke and Fenris!" Bohdan calls out to us from the bottom of the stairs.

Hawke cringes slightly at being detected by the dwarves. Although there isn't really a way around it, we would both prefer if the house mates didn't know our every move. "Oh, hey Bohdan. Is there any news?"

We descend the stairs and walk over to him. Sandal looks up from a rock he's holding and waves at me. I nod to him. "Enchantment?" I ask.

"Enchantment!" He replies with a toothy grin.

 _He is such a fascinating person. I feel that there is much more to Sandal than meets the eye. It would be interesting to know more about him, but I doubt that's likely to happen. I believe he possesses a great deal of power that is either very new or quite ancient._

"Indeed, there is!" Bohdan begins. "The Captain of the Guard would like to speak with you, your presence is requested at the Hanged Man, and, if you will direct your attention above the fire place, you'll notice the Arishok's weapon has been mounted there."

"Oooo!" Hawke exclaims and runs over to examine it. "That's amazing, thank you! Look Fenris, it still has my blood on it!"

I hold back a shutter at the memory of her in my arms with that blade clean through her. _That might be a glorious memory for her, but it was one of the more terrifying moments in my life. I can handle having my life threatened, I'm accustomed to pain. But not the kind that losing her would bring. Torture, wounds, fine. But not that. Never that._ I avoid looking at the weapon and pretend not to have heard her. "It's fortuitous that the fires never reached here during the siege." I say to Bohdan.

"Quite so. But if they had, my boy and I would have done our best to put them out!" The dwarf nods.

Hawke rejoins us. "I appreciate it. Well, we'd better get to the Hanged Man."

My eyebrows knit together. "We have yet to check on Sebastian. I am not interested in drinking until we find out if he's alright."

"Oh, Maker. You're right." Her face falls. "I've been so preoccupied… Damn, I hope he's woken up. We are not losing anyone else; He's going to pull through." She clenches a fist. "Bohdan, have you seen Anders? Do you know where he is?"

"He left this morning heading to his clinic, I haven't heard from him since. It is possible that he would still be there, but it's been some time." The dwarf holds up his hands.

Hawke thanks him and we exit the mansion. "We'll head straight there. Hopefully Anders will be inside, so we can find out exactly what's going on."

 _I'm hoping neither will still be there._

We pick our way through the city to Darktown. This is takes a bit longer than usual; the streets are still filled with rubble, and a lot of them are entirely impassable. Still, we manage to make it before all the light is gone from the sky. Inside the clinic, Anders is wrapping a woman's bloody wrist. A child with a patch of cloth covering one eye sits on the ground playing with a ragged doll. Sebastian is laying on the table just as we had left him.

Hawke and I exchange a worried look and walk over to his side. She takes the chantry man's hand in both of hers. "Sebastian?" There's no response.

 _Fasta vass!_ I force myself not to punch the wall. _I worked so hard to keep him alive! And I was just starting to… Venhedis!_ _I like Sebastian. He doesn't deserve this._ I dig the claws of my gauntlets into my palms.

"Anders, has he woken up at all?" Hawke asks, her voice thick with worry.

The healer shakes his head, still focused on the woman he is attending to. "No. He's alive, but nothing I do seems to have any further effect. He just stays like that."

I think for a moment before replying. "So then we wait. Would it be possible to move him to Hightown? However long he remains like this, it shouldn't be on a splintering table in this rat hole."

"I wouldn't risk it." Anders dismisses the notion. He releases the other patient and she thanks him, leaving with the child. "I need to have him close at hand. In his condition, he requires a lot of attending."

 _Fine._ I make a mental note to bring something softer, and less concerning, to cover the table with.

"Can he hear us? Does he know what's going on?" Hawke asks sadly, still holding Sebastian's hand and brushing her fingers across the back of it.

Anders moves to his desk and begins straightening up his supplies as he talks. "Now that, I wish I knew. If he were asleep as he appears, the answer would be no. But considering he clearly isn't, I have no way of knowing what his mental functions are. If he were a mage, I'd say he was trapped in the Fade, but he isn't, so I can't say whether or not he's present with us."

 _To be conscious but unable to respond for such a long time…_ I shudder at the thought. _He might be a slave to his own physical shell. How abhorrent. I hope for his sake that is not the case. Perhaps he does merely sleep. Although, if there were any who could reside in only their minds without losing their sanity, Sebastian would be among them. With his strong connection and faith in the Maker, he probably wouldn't doubt his waking up and would spend the time reverently in prayer. I'd sit there in a hell of fury._

"So, there's nothing we can do to help?" Hawke persists.

Anders shakes his head. "No. I'll continue to do everything I can and inform you if there has been a change. Glad to see you've healed up so well." He smiles at Hawke. "I didn't expect you to stay away this long, but that's good. You needed the rest."

 _Rest._ I almost chuckle. _That's probably what we should have been doing. Well, there was some sleeping involved._

"Oh, yeah, I—I just didn't feel like getting out of bed today. I knew there was a lot I probably needed to do but only one thing I wanted to do—sleep and all." Pink creeps into Hawke's cheeks.

 _It's funny how uncomfortable this makes her when she often goes toe to toe with Isabela on dirty humor. I suppose I expected her to not be bothered by it, considering everyone has believed we have been in a sexual relationship for years. But, in a way I'm glad. All of this is new for us; things are different, and it's not a bad thing to treat them that way._

The blonde man doesn't appear to pick up on Hawke's embarrassment and switches topics. "You should head to the Hanged Man. If you don't show up soon the others will start to worry."

Hawke sighs and gives Sebastian a long looking. "You're right… but I hate to leave him. He went through so much, it seems wrong."

"I'm staying here. He won't be alone. You can come back tomorrow and sit with him for a while if you want," Anders explains.

For a moment I consider staying, wanting to support my friend and not particularly excited for a trip to the disgusting tavern, but I decide against it. Sitting here with Anders wouldn't do anyone any good.

Reluctantly, Hawke releases the archer's hand and moves with me to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow Anders. Stay strong Sebastian: you'll be just fine."


	52. Due Respite

**I'm so sorry this took me so long to post! Finals were kicking my butt for a while there but I'm back!**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

(10) Harvestmere 22nd

I shake my head to clear it before stepping into the noisy tavern. It's busier than usual, packed with people actively trying to drink their sorrow away. So many died in the past day's altercations that a good portion of the city would prefer to black out than remember. I sympathize with them; I came close to being in their shoes.

Oddly, as I cross the room towards our usual table in the back, I don't want to turn around and leave. Our group of misfits grin at us, and I see _my_ friends rather than just Hawke's. At this point, we aren't merely soldiers working alongside each other; these people have value that outweighs the irritation they often present.

Isabela stands and wraps Hawke up in a huge hug. "You risked everything for me. I can never thank you enough." This pirate, who I thought to be fake and solely self-interested, returned to us when she could have escaped with her life and wealth. She defied sense and her very nature because she cared about us.

"I didn't do any more than you did by returning with the book." Hawke beams at her. "Don't leave me like that again. I missed you like hell."

With a squeeze, Isabela turns her loose. "I can't make promises like that. It would take out all the mystery." She winks.

Merrill rises from her seat, wide eyes on me. "Fenris, can I please hug you?"

I hold back the reflexive NO that comes to my lips. _She nearly died from blood loss protecting Sebastian and I…_ I sigh. "Fine."

The little mage bounces excitedly and wraps her arms around my waist. "Oh, I can't thank you enough for not leaving me to die! I really thought I was going to, but then I didn't!"

"You're welcome." I awkwardly pat her on the back of the head. This maleficar that I would have struck down without a second thought turned out to be one of the most caring individuals I've met; it doesn't excuse what she is, but it does matter.

She turns me loose but hovers at my side. "I'll never forget what you did, not ever in my life."

I look at her seriously. "Then you should use more caution. If you aren't more restrained with your use of blood magic, you'll find the end of your life here before you know it."

Merrill nods vigorously. "I know that now. And I promised Isabela I'll be more careful."

"Yep. And I'm holding you to that." That pirate flicks her tongue across her lips suggestively, causing the smaller woman to blush. She then grabs both Hawke and I by the shoulders and pulls us in close to her. "So, what did you two change last night?"

 _What a surprise, Isabela's sex detector has picked up unusual activity. Naturally, she must investigate._

"What-?" Hawke raises her eyebrows.

Isabela clicks her tongue. "Don't give me that. You're different, you tried something new in bed. You had to have."

 _Yes, a new thing called actually having sex._ I narrow my eyes at the prying woman.

The raven-haired mage shields her face in embarrassment but bursts out laughing. "Of course, why do you think we didn't leave the house until evening. We were busy."

"Rivaini," Varric cuts in. "I'm not sure that the champion needs all her secrets made public—well not until the book is published anyway." He chuckles.

I squirm out of Isabela's grasp and glare at the dwarf. "Do not put me in the book."

"It's out my hands Broody." Varric feigns innocence. "I have no idea who writes such fanciful and uncensored novels."

My harsh gaze intensifies. "I. Will. Not. Be. In. The. Book."

"Look, the bar! I haven't gotten a drink in…" Varric's eyes drop to cup in his hand. Very obviously, he pours the contents of his nearly full mug into Isabela's empty one. "Ages. I'm out." He shrugs and stands, scurrying away from the table.

 _Damn dwarf…_

"Get us something too!" Hawke calls after him.

I roll my eyes. "Don't encourage him."

"Fenris, he's my best friend. We have to encourage each other's childish behavior. It's part of the code." She and Isabela take seats at the table. Seeing no better option, I join them.

Isabela looks us over again and smiles wistfully. "Shit, if it isn't good to be back. You know, I really tried not to miss you lot."

Hawke snorts. "Good luck with that. It's hard to not miss the most fun you could ever have." She leans forward. "I am the drugs."

"And with that statement, I realize you're not the one I need to ask if I ever need to buy some." Isabela laughs but then pauses in thought. "Hmm… speaking of drugs—"

"Isabela!" Merrill swats her on the shoulder. "You told me explicitly that I was 'never to go buy a whole a bunch of drugs' because I would get swindled. So, it doesn't seem fair for you to talk about buying some."

 _Well, it's good to know that_ someone _told her not to do that. Merrill is exactly the kind of person who would unknowingly 'donate' all her money to an illicit substance dealer._

The pirate shakes her head. "You're absolutely right Merrill. I wasn't talking about actual drugs however." Her attention shifts to Hawke. "So, mages need lyrium to keep up their power, correct?"

"Uh huh." My beloved replies, confused.

Isabela's eyes rove across my body, causing me to cross my arms in defense. "And Fenris' tattoos are made of the stuff. Weren't they etched into your flesh and your soul?" She mimics my voice.

I narrow my eyes at her. _I'm not that dramatic._

"Thought so. Now then, my question is: Hawke, when you run your tongue along his skin and taste those markings, does it charge you up? Make your body tingle and pulse with power?" She shimmies her shoulders and looks between us mischievously.

 _Fasta vass! She always has to keep pushing… although I suppose it is a valid question… I had never considered that. It would only make sense for the lyrium to react to her magic in some capacity._

The two mages at the table are both taken aback by this, their complexions shifting to that of a sunburn. Merrill turns to Hawke, her eyebrows high.

Hawke stammers for a moment before composing herself enough to string words together. "I- wha- well… Honestly? I don't have a good answer." Her nervous eyes drop to the floor.

 _Shouldn't that be something one would notice?_ I wonder silently, not vocalizing my opinions so as to not further embarrass Hawke.

"What do you mean you don't have a good answer?" Isabela quirks her head to the side. "Does it get your magic juices flowing right along with the other ones, or not?"

Absently scratching at the back of her neck, Hawke continues, "Uh… You see, I was virgin when I met Fenris… So, I don't exactly have anything to compare it to. I couldn't say if the lyrium affected me or not."

 _Ah, good point. I have to say, I am curious about that now though._

Isabela straightens upright in her chair. "Oh! If that's all, we can do something—"

"No!" I rake her with venomous stare. _Venhedis. I'm not that curious._

The lady rogue gives me disheartened pout. "I was just joking. No need to get your panties in a twist."

"That's a lie." I scowl.

Isabela throws her hands up in the air. "You didn't let me finish." She clears her throat. "I was just joking. Unless you're into that, in which case I'm completely down."

At this, I actually allow myself to loosen up and chuckle, knowing this is just her personality. "Thank you for clarifying."

"You're welcome." She beams back. "See, I'm not completely horrible, at least not all the time."

Merrill reaches out and touches her hand. "I don't think you're ever horrible. If anything, you're just confusing. So much of the time I have no idea what you're talking about at all. But that's okay, because I love you."

 _Alright my turn to pry._ "What is it that's between the two of you?"

"Oh, Me and Isabela? You see, we're- well, she's my- actually, I don't quite know." Merrill gives the pirate a concerned look.

Isabela gives the smaller woman's hand a reassuring squeeze. "Hawke, I'll have you know I blame you entirely for this and if it turns out poorly it's your fault. But, you got me. I've decided to try out this whole 'relationship' thing."

 _Huh. That's really impressive._

Hawke's jaw hangs open as she stares at her promiscuous friend.

"Stop it. Shit, I wouldn't have told you if I knew you'd take it this way." Isabela shifts in her chair trying to hide her embarrassment.

Running around the table, Hawke throws her arms around Isabela and Merrill pulling them close to her. "I am so proud of you! This is the best news! I wanted everyone to be happy, and I knew I couldn't be with all of you."

Isabela cranes her neck to look at Hawke with a raised eyebrow. "Well, technically you could."

"Hush. You're ruining it." Hawke covers the woman's mouth with her hand.

Merrill halts and straightens up as footsteps approach our table. "Hawke." Aveline's stern voice begins, causing the gaggle of ladies to break apart.

 _I'm not surprised. It would have been more pertinent to have visited her before coming here. Not that suggesting that would have made any difference._ I nod to the guard captain.

"Aveline! I'm so glad you decided to drop by, I was just going to head to the barracks when—" Hawke is cut off.

The ginger waves her away. "Hawke, I should think as the Champion of Kirkwall you would…" She sighs, and the formality of her tone is dropped. "Actually, never mind. I stormed down here with every intention of chastising you, but… after everything that's happened, you deserve a break." She looks around at each of us. "I suppose we all do."

 _Look at her, suggesting a night off? Everyone is full of surprises this week._ Varric rejoins us at the table and I take the mug he offers me.

"Did I hear that right, Bianca?" Varric asks. "Red is going to be drinking with us tonight?"

Aveline shrugs. "Oh, to hell with it. Alright, I'll drink with you."

Grinning ear to ear, Hawke takes the formidable woman by the arm. "Wonderful! Let's get you the best they have!"

"Look at us, Lady Man Hands here to have a drink and me in a relationship." Isabela smirks. "How the people will talk."

The guard captain rolls her eyes and replies with a, "Shut up whore." But the words are without their usual sting.


	53. Perpetual Opposition

**We're moving into act 3! So exciting!**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

The days and weeks blur together as Kirkwall rebuilds itself, finding a semblance of stability under the Knight Commander whom it had previously relied on. Although the death of Viscount Dumar has been publicly acknowledged, there has been no action to select a new Viscount. Despite her shortcomings, as many are there are, Meredith is doing her best to unite the city, as its head of power, and dispel any new discord. Still, as Templar control has grown, so has their "rivalry" with the mages and the Circle of Magi. Generally speaking, this did not bother me. Mages as a whole still only evoked distrust and malice from me; I would much prefer the power to be in the hands of those without a direct link to demons. Even so, I must admit that some the Templar's methods have turned unnecessarily cruel. More than a handful of them do not hesitate to take advantage of the young naive mages. Hawke did not hesitate to kill one we stumbled upon in a back alley; he was forcing himself on a girl who couldn't have been older than sixteen. With malice in her eyes, Hawke had kicked him off the girl and crushed his skull in on itself with force magic. We left him there in plain sight, full templar armor, minus his breeches. He got far less than he deserved.

In a narrower view, naturally the increased Templar power makes me quite apprehensive about how long they will continue to turn a blind eye to Hawke and Merrill, though I couldn't care less about the fate of Anders. As the champion of Kirkwall, Hawke is second in power and influence only to Meredith. This would be more comforting if Hawke wasn't a mage and they hadn't grown to detest each other.

This makes me sick. Their duty is to protect the mages from themselves, not force them to live in fear of their guards. All I know at this point is that I'm beginning to despise both sides of this argument. The lines on the issue get blurry, and I've been so jaded by mages in the past that I can't exactly have an unbiased opinion.

Visiting Sebastian has been a daily occurrence, and it is possible that I visited the Chantry once to pray for his recovery. These actions were not in vain. He did make a full, albeit lengthy recovery, and now travels with us consistently with little more than stiffness in his leg. Having Sebastian back in the world of the living is a great weight off of my chest; not only can I not be blamed for his death, but I actually have a person I trust to talk to, outside of Hawke. It isn't that I don't speak to the others, in fact it's quite the contrary. I've taken up playing Wicked Grace with them weekly. I actually do pretty well for myself at it too. Isabela had to learn the hard way that I'm not as easy to read as she had initially believed. Interesting how living most of your life serving a despicable man and pretending you don't think of little else than his death will help you perfect a poker face. At this point, she'll be buying me wine every time I set foot in the Hanged Man for the foreseeable future. Varric on the other hand, remains the master; despite my unfaltering expressions, he can still walk away with every coin from my pocket. Hawke plays with us occasionally, but no real gambling comes from that. She and Isabela pretty much spend the time excitedly screaming about something or other; she's more of a social drinker than one who can sit down and patiently play a game. Despite the fact that I've grown to be more comfortable around the others through all of this, Sebastian is the only other person I feel at ease sharing things with, and he's made it clear that the sentiment is mutual.

After Sebastian was no longer in need of constant assistance, I begin to devote my efforts to locating my long-lost sister, Varania. The thought of her existence has been nagging the back of my mind ever since Hadriana had spoken of her. The process of collecting information on her is slow and tedious as I cannot risk making my identity known. Searching for her terrifies me, and I suppose that's why I've kept it from Hawke, but I also can't bare the thought of never having the chance to see and remember my sister's face.

Three years is a long time.

As our nights pass, spent entangled in each other, the bond that Hawke and I share changes into something more. We understand how the other works, what they think, feel, need. We're becoming a unit; it doesn't take much for us to know what each other will say at any given moment. Naturally, we still have our moments when we clash, and understanding the disagreement doesn't make it any less infuriating. Still, we love each other. According to Isabela, we are even more nauseating than before; however, I could say same thing to her. Somehow, despite all odds, she and Merrill have remained involved consistently for the entire three years. The little blood mage still gives her moon eyes every time she walks into the room. It's hard to say if Merrill overlooks the filthy comments Isabela makes about others because she doesn't understand them, or if she's confident enough in their relationship to not be bothered by it. Either way, they've made it this long.

Undoubtedly, the highlight of this passage of time was when Anders moved back into his clinic and my everyday life was finally rid of him.

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 13th

"I know you fear us!" Orsino addresses the large crowd before him in Hightown square. "Knight-Commander Meredith used that fear to take control of your city! She opposes every effort to replace Viscount Dumar, and you have seen the chaos of her reign! Will you allow it?"

The crowd murmurs, a few of them shaking their heads no.

Just then, Meredith waltzes through the people and up to the First Enchanter. "Return to your homes. This farce is over."

"Wait!" Orsino calls out. "Perhaps there are some who might disagree with you, Knight-Commander."

Hawke raises her hand and steps forward. "Oh! Pick me, I do!"

I cringe. _Here we go again…_

"Do not hide behind the Champion. She has no role in this." Meredith scowls.

Hawke crosses over to them, Varric and I following in her shadow; Sebastian moves backwards instead, disappearing through the crowd. "I notice you two are having quite the spicy argument over here."

The harsh blonde woman shakes her head in irritation. "This is not an argument. It's treason."

"I think the Champion's views would be appreciated. Or do you fear what she has to say?" Orsino challenges her.

Meredith waves him away. "I fear nothing. My only interest here is in keeping order and protecting the innocent."

Scoffing, Hawke asks, "Are your templars aware of this? Their actions are atrocious. And you yourself are not exactly receptive to anything that stands in your way."

"I become less receptive each moment this nonsense continues."

The Champion does not back down. "Your methods have grown more and more extreme. Surely you can't see what you're doing as just!"

 _Don't get yourself too far on her bad side Hawke…_ I shift my feet.

"And you could do better?" Meredith rounds on her, the façade of calm melting away. "How well did you guard your own mother? Did she not die at a blood mage's hands?"

Fire ignites in Hawke's eyes and I can tell it isn't far from erupting from her hands. "Leave my mother out of this! You—"

I silence her with a hand on her shoulder. _She's testing Hawke. Trying to get her to lose control and attack her._ "Are you so desperate that you would dig up a woman's deceased mother in spite?" I rake the detestable woman with a scathing glare.

"Cold corpses speak louder than abstract freedoms, do they not?" Her voice softens as if in sympathy. "As long as that's true, Kirkwall needs its templars more than it needs a new ruler."

Orsino steps between the seething Hawke and the Knight-Commander. "And when will that end? When will you stop seeing evil in every corner?"

Bluntly, Meredith retorts, "When it is no longer there."

 _That's a fair point. As much as I hate to agree with her._

"Meredith." Hawke begins, fighting to maintain her composure. "I can't take your side on this."

Orsino nods to her appreciatively. "Face the truth, Knight-Commander. You are done."

The harsh woman jams her finger in his face. "That is for me to decide! No one else!"

"My, my, such a terrible commotion!" Calls out Grand Cleric Elthina's voice. I turn to see her approaching with Sebastian at her heels.

 _So that's where he ran off too. Not a bad call._ I lift my chin slightly to signal to him that I agree with his decision.

"This mage incites rebellion, Your Grace. I am dealing with the matter." Meredith gestures to the First Enchanter.

Elthina turns her attention to the other side of this argument. "Ah, Orsino. So frustrated. Do you think this is truly wise?"

"I… no, Your Grace." He retreats, dejected.

The Grand Cleric nods. "Of course not. Young men, would you show the first enchanter back to the Circle? Gently, if you please." She instructs the templars. They comply and escort him from the square.

"Your Grace! He should be clapped in irons, made an example—!" Meredith blusters.

Holding her hands up to silence the woman, Elthina continues. "That's enough Meredith. This demeans us all, surely you can see that? Go back to the Gallows and calm down, like a good girl."

Meredith holds her gaze for a moment before bowing and taking her leave.

 _Finally, we're rid of the pair of them._

"You have my thanks for stepping in Champion. And you as well Sebastian, for informing me of the uproar. If you had not…" The elderly woman's words trail off.

Hawke lets out a long sigh and exchanges a glance with Varric. "I doubt I made much difference. She rattled me pretty badly."

"Sadly, true." Elthina gives her an understanding look.

Sebastian places a hand on Hawke's shoulder. "Don't beat yourself up about it; you prevented blood shed and that counts for a lot."

"Choir boy's right, Hawke. Although I would have loved to see you set that bitch ablaze—uh, sorry Grand Cleric." Varric adds.

Elthina steps away from us, addressing the crowd. "Gentle people of Kirkwall… return to your homes, I implore you. This will not be solved today." The masses mummer but do comply, disbursing from the square. "And now I must attend to the Gallows. They will see reason, if the Maker wills it. Thank you again, Champion. You have chosen your friends well, Sebastian." She nods to each of us and then departs.


	54. Unabated Rivalry

**I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thank you guys so much for your continued support and reviews; it means so much to me to be able to share this with you! 3**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 14th

"Remind me why we're going to that unkempt clinic?" I grumble. Hawke had demanded that we head straight there the moment we woke up, much to my dismay.

Merrill tsks at me. "Don't you remember? Anders has something really important to talk with us about. We have to go, something bad might be happening."

I narrow my eyes at her. "Something bad is always happening."

"Yes, or it could be something wonderful. He could have finally gotten a new cat!" Merrill adds brightly.

 _How can she always be like this? I think if I upheld that kind of optimism for longer than a day it would kill me._ "Somehow, I doubt it's that. Although if it were, perhaps he would leave us alone more often."

"Oh, come on, he hasn't been that bad since he moved out. Has he?" Hawke asks, tossing the words over her shoulder as we walk.

I scoff. "I'll pretend that was a joke."

"I have to agree with Fenris on this one." Sebastian muses. "He's seemed… I dunno, on edge lately. Something about him has been off."

 _He's always seemed off to me. Maybe it's the demon possessing him._

Isabela stretches her arms over her head and yawns, appearing to just now have tuned into the conversation. "I don't have the time or the fucks to give to read people like that. You, pretty boy, need a life."

"You know very well that my life has been devoted to the Chantry. I just happen to be observant, it isn't that I don't have anything better to do." Sebastian frowns.

The busty pirate snickers. "All I'm saying, is that if you spend so much time observing other men, you should just ask one out."

Blood rushes to the Chanty man's face. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself! To suggest such things to a devoted servant of the Maker…"

"Isabela!" Merrill swats her girlfriend's arm. "Stop it, you're making him uncomfortable! How would you like it if someone told you to do something that went against your morals as a pirate?"

The taller woman presses her palm to her forehead. "Oh, sweetie… Pirate's have no morals, that's the fun part."

 _That's fair._

"You know what I mean. People won't like us very much if you're rude to them." Merrill shakes her head in disappointment.

Isabela fiddles with her lip ring before giving in. "He knows I'm just playing with him. Right, Sebastian?"

The human male pointedly avoids her gaze and replies, "Yes, I suppose I am an easy target."

"As am I, but she sees you less frequently, so it appears I'm off the hook today." I snort with slight amusement.

Hawke chuckles. "As much as I appreciate party banter, let's keep it to a minimum when we reach the clinic. I want Anders to know he's being taken seriously."

"And if we aren't taking him seriously?" Isabela asks.

At this, I give her a nod of approval. _I was thinking the same thing._

Hawke rolls her eyes. "Then please fake it. He said this was urgent and that he absolutely had to speak with me."

Merrill grins at her. "Of course, Hawke! We will listen quietly."

"Now faking it, I can do." Isabela laughs obnoxiously. The little blood mage eyes her suspiciously and she holds her hands up in defense. "I said I can, not that I do."

We climb the steps that lead up to the clinic and pull the door open. Inside, the clinic is empty except for one pacing Anders. He looks at us upon our entry, wringing his hands.

Without so much as a hello, Anders gets straight to the point, "I'm going to try something, and I thought you'd want to be a part of it."

 _You thought wrong._ I lean against the wall of the clinic and cross my arms. Hawke and the others walk over to him.

"We've both been wrong." He addresses only Hawke. "What I did with Justice was unnatural. It should never have happened."

I can't resist laughing at this. "And it took you how many years to figure that out?"

Isabela snickers at my remark but the rest ignore it.

"I… I agree. What made you bring this up?" Hawke asks, treading carefully.

The look on Merrill's face clearly conveys that she is not entirely on board with where this is going.

Anders clears his throat. "I can't help mages like this. Not while I am everything the templars fear about magic. I need to be free of this curse."

 _Between you and Merrill, the bases certainly are covered for deviant apostate behavior. Though, I don't buy for a second that you believe a word you just said. You're working an angle here. I know Anders, he would never admit he was wrong. Anders is childish and hates to lose. Conceding this point would mean he's lost at the games he's been playing for many years. This is an act._ I scowl at the blonde man.

Hawke nods to him, clearly excited by the prospect of his lies. "Do you have plan? What can we do to help stop this?"

"I've spent the past three years researching the methods of the Tevinter magisters. They are—"

I shove off the wall and close the distance between us. "Vishante kaffas, abomination! Have you not an ounce of intelligence in your thick head?!" It takes every bit of self-control I have not to punch him in the face. "The magisters are not to be revered! They're monsters, and if you think you can gain anything other than corruption from studying them you're just as daft as I always suspected!"

Anders holds his ground and glares down his nose at me. "They're the only ones who have ever sought to reverse spirit possessions, not just beheading the victims! If you would listen to what I'm saying instead of just bullying your way into the conversation maybe you'd learn something!"

"From what I've been hearing from you, a beheading might not lower your intelligence." I glower at him.

He ignores me and resumes talking to a very concerned Hawke. "Anyway, I believe I have a formula for a potion that can separate Justice and me. Without killing either."

 _Yes, deny my existence and see how far that gets you._ I dig the claws of my gauntlets into my palms.

"First, lets all take a breath." Hawke holds up her hands.

 _I can't believe she's buying this line of kaffas!_ Stepping backwards, I retreat back to the wall several feet away. _This is absolute nonsense. She's so blinded by how much she wants to redeem everyone that she can't see how blatantly she's being lied to! He has no intention of ending the possession._

"Okay," Hawke begins again. "Anders, that's wonderful. If that really is the case and we should get started on that immediately!"

 _We are going to need to have a serious discussion when we get home._ I let out a low growl. _What ever his plan, it can't be anything good. I just wish I knew what it was…_

"Hawke, are you certain about this?" Sebastian gives her a worried look.

Merrill speaks up, "Well, if he's studied it for three years he probably knows what he's talking about. I always see him reading books on magic."

"Yes, if we can separate Anders and Justice I'd say that's worth any risk." Hawke states emphatically.

 _Does she hear what she's saying? There are so many risks with magic that should never be taken! Not under any circumstances!_

Anders beams at Hawke. "I knew you'd stand behind me in this. Even if…" His expression falters.

"What?" Hawke raises an eyebrow.

He shakes his head. "Ah… nothing. I've gathered most of what I need, but there are some… outlandish ingredients I was hoping you'd help me collect. A powder the Tevinters call 'sela petrae,' and a small amount of drakestone."

"I assure you, we'll find them." Hawke claps him on the shoulder. "Anders, I'm proud of you. We'll figure this out."

My skin crawls, and I slam my fist backwards into the wall, leaving a dent.

Anders looks at her lovingly. "I could not have begun to do this without your support."

 _That's it._ I growl and stride out of the clinic. _That conniving little bitch can solve his own problems. He doesn't deserve the respect she gives him. Some of us have worked for years and changed who we are to prove ourselves to her; he's done nothing but take and uphold his superiority complex._ My mind returns to our first meeting, when I was moments from ripping his heart from his chest. A dark smile turns up the corner of my mouth as I imagine going through with it. _It would have saved me a lot of trouble if I would have done it…_ I grit my teeth. _But then I wouldn't have Hawke. She would have kicked me out and never spoken to me again. And I would have been just fine with that…_ A shudder runs through me. _There have been so many moments in which I nearly lost her forever. As much as I wish I could forbid her from helping him, I would never give him the satisfaction of destroying what we have worked so diligently to maintain._


	55. Astonishing Juncture

**I'm excited to write the next section! It's going to be pretty intense :O**

 **I hope you enjoy! Thank you guys for sticking with me despite my shotty posting schedule!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 14th

Shoving my way through the Hanged Man, I drop down angrily at the end of the table in Varric's room.

"What's eating you, Broody?" The dwarf raises an eyebrow.

I groan and drop my forehead on to the table. _Where to begin?_

Varric chuckles and pours the contents of a bottle into a glass and slides it down to me. Without bothering to taste it, I down the whole thing and return my face to the table. _Such utter nonsense. There's nothing I can do to help this situation. I'm just stuck here trying not to kill anyone. I hate feeling powerless..._

"Let me take a stab at it, Blondie was pulling the 'woe is me, there's a blight upon my soul' bit again?"

I nod and sigh deeply. "She buys every bit of it. That abomination lies through his teeth to her and she just... Eats it up. It's maddening, I wish I could shake some sense into her but that would be futile."

"It sure would. But good on you for realizing that." He shakes his head. "She's pretty difficult to handle sometimes isn't she?"

Sitting up to look at him, I sigh. "If that isn't an understatement..."

Varric pulls a second bottle from a shelf behind him and pours us each another glass. "It's impressive really how you two have made it work for this long. I have to say, if you would have told me six years ago that Hawke would have ended up with you, I would have bet against you."

"As would I. With my narrow mind at that time, I would have laughed in your face. Yet, here I am, in love with an infuriating mage." I sigh and take a pull from my drink. "She does a lot of concerning things, but I can't seem to get past her blind acceptance of that monster."

He cocks his head. "If you're concerned about her being too fond of him, don't. Hawke is entirely faithful to you."

"It isn't that." I grumble. "I just hate to see her make rash decisions. One of these days he'll get her in more trouble than she can get out of."

Varric nods. "Understandable, I can't say I trust him any more than you do. Personally, I'd like to watch Hawke kick his ass. But, would it make you feel better if I told you her dog plays a better game of cards than he does?"

I chuckle lightly at this. "A bit."

"Not that it's any of my business, what's between you two is between you two, but keep in mind that you don't have to go along with everything she wants to be with her." Varric shrugs as if to imply, "But that's just me."

Tracing the grain of the table with the point of my gauntlet, I reply, "Of that I am aware… It just becomes increasingly difficult to know which battles to pick. It seems, at least to some degree, that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't in most situations."

The dwarf looks thoughtful for a moment. "I wouldn't necessarily say that's the case. Hawke undoubtedly does have a strong will and at the end of the day she'll do what she wants to do. However, she does greatly value your opinion. That is, when your give an opinion and not a threat."

 _But it's so much easier to make threats than to have a rational discussion about that abomination…_ I sigh and return my face to the table. "You've got me there."

"Do you want some more of this?" Varric holds the bottle of whiskey out to me.

I push my chair back from the table and rise. "No. I should head home. It would be best if I spent a few hours alone. Thanks for the drinks."

"Anytime." Varric nods to me as I exit his room.

Making my way up to Hightown, I decide to head to my mansion rather than Hawke's. _If she's returned home already, I don't want to be faced with a discussion just yet._

The moment I enter the run-down house I know I'm not alone. _Fasta vass. She beat me here… I probably should have expected as much._ "Hawke, I'd rather be alone right now if you don't mind." I sigh and begin climbing the stairs.

"Not Hawke, Aveline actually." Calls out the guard captain.

 _Oh? What on earth is she doing here? I'm not set to play cards with Donnic tonight._ I enter my bed chamber and find her sitting at the table in the corner with several papers laid out in front of her. "Aveline. What bring you here?" I ask, suddenly curious.

"Why don't you have a look for yourself." The red head picks up a piece of paper and hands it to me.

I takes me a moment to make sense of the words in front of me but I manage to discern it. _No, it can't be!_ My eyes widen. _This… this must be false. I was certain that this lead would dry up like all the others have… could it have actually been my sister that I've been corresponding with?! Surely after all these years of searching she couldn't just turn up now…_ "Are you certain it's her?!" I exclaim. My words come out far harsher than I had intended. With my emotions still wrecked from the earlier incident, I find it increasingly difficult to keep my composure now.

"An elf matching your description, on the ship you named, and alone as far I could tell." Aveline shrugs.

Thoughts begin to whirl through my mind and I'm torn among excitement, fear, and trepidation. I'd love to see my sister; maybe she would evoke some of my memories, yet I'm terrified that her appearance will bring _him._ Just the possibility of having to lay eyes on that man again makes my blood begin to boil.

I slam my fists down on the table. "I need to know if it's a trap!"

The guard caption holds her hands up in defense. "I did as you asked Fenris. Now it's up to you."

Nervously I run a hand through my hair and begin to pace. "Yes, I am aware of that! But do you know what this could mean?!"

"Fenris." She begins in a tone intended to calm me down. "We knew the risks there would be the moment we began searching for your sister. I thought you were prepared for this?"

I whirl around to face her, failing miserably at containing myself. "How could I possibly be prepared for this?! I know nothing of what to expect! This could end very poorly for both her and me."

"Certainly, it could. But it also might be wonderful. Fenris, you have the opportunity to be reunited with someone of the same blood as you." She offers me a kind smile.

My stomach turns and I feel sick. "Blood… blood means nothing to me. Why have I even done this? This was a mistake!"

"You don't—"

I cut Aveline off. "No! There hasn't been anyone from my past who cared enough to seek me out, so why should I?!" Although I know my words are nonsense, they still continue to spill out.

In my fit of emotion, I failed to notice Hawke enter the room. Aveline stands up and claps her on the shoulder. "You talk to him, Marian. I've have my fill for today."

My lip curls and spit on the floor. "Venhedis! Fasta vass!"

Hawke smiles lovingly. "Maybe it's just me, but I'd swear you're upset."

Forcing myself to take a deep breath, I begin to explain. "It's my sister…" My eyes remain trained on the floor although I can sense her stiffen. "I didn't tell you, but I followed up on Hadriana's information. Everything she said… it was true."

"What—?"

I hold up a finger to silence her. "I had to keep it quiet, but I eventually contacted Varania and sent her coin enough to come meet me. And now she's here."

Disbelief and hurt covers Hawke's face. "I thought after all this time we would be close enough for you to come to me about this? I would have helped you… why?"

"I didn't dare put hope in it myself. It would have been so much worse to include you." I frown.

Hawke moves closer to me. "But Fenris, this is so huge." She shakes her head, dumbfounded. "I can't believe you didn't tell me… but more than that, I can't believe this is happening."

 _She's not angry with me? She would have every right to be._ I close the distance between us and take her hands in mine, all thought of the previous argument pushed aside. "Come with me Hawke. I need you there when I meet her." _I can't do this without her._

"I—I mean yes of course! I wouldn't want you to go alone…" Her eyes are wide, and I can tell she's frazzled. "Your sister… Oh, I so want this to go well!" She tries to smile but concern clouds her expression.

I sigh and nod, giving her hands a squeeze. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified… The sensible side of me says I should just forget it and not go to meet her. Yet, there's still a part of me that just wants to know, either way."

She nods slowly. "I can't begin to imagine what this must be like for you. But I am at your side. You have me no matter what happens."

"Thank you, Hawke." I trace my thumb along the back of her hand. "I need your support…"

With the kindness she's extending to me now after finding out that I had been keeping this from her, I feel guilty for how angry I had been with her just minutes before. _Somehow, she never ceases to amaze me. Even when I'm certain that she's lost all sense, she reminds me of why I fell in love with her. How could such a caring soul have been forged through all the hardships she has suffered?_


	56. Righteous Retribution

**It is absolutely insane to reach this point after all this time.**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 15th

I scarcely ate at dinner and sleep was absolutely out of the question. Today, as we make our way to the Hanged Man, I am blind and deaf to my surroundings. My only thoughts are on what is to come. All moisture has left my mouth and I wonder if I'll even have the ability to speak to her when we get there. I am vaguely aware of Hawke's steps beside me and the concerned glances she keeps making in my direction.

When we reach the heavy doors, I pause and force myself to draw in a breath.

"Fenris, regardless of what goes down in there, we'll get through it." She reaches out and gives my hand a squeeze.

I search her eyes for reassurance but find only the same hollow dread that resides in mine. Giving her a nod, I open the door and we step inside.

Sitting at table near the stairs, a young red headed elven woman looks up at me. Her clothes are plain and adequate, not those of a slave. A sad smile appears on her face as she looks me over. "It really is you." Her eyes drop to her hands clasped on the table before her.

I cross the tavern, not getting too close. My heart beats loudly in my ears. "Varania?" _Yes… it… it's actually her…_ As I take in her hair, face shape, the pattern of her voice, flashes of memories flood back into my mind. I remember carrying her on my back when she fell and scraped her knee. I see her red pigtails streaming out behind her as she excitedly ran circles around me in a field of short grass. We drew shapes in the soil while mother picked vegetables from the garden. "I… I remember you. We played in our master's courtyard while mother worked. You called me…"

"Leto. That's your name." She stands to her feet, avoiding my gaze.

 _Yes. That's right… How could I have forgotten my own name?_

Hawke draws in a sharp breath beside me, clearly caught off guard by this information.

I notice Varania beginning to wring her hands. "What's wrong? Why are you so…?"

"Oh, you fucking bitch!" Hawke exclaims, pulling her staff from her back.

Isabela straightens up from her spot at the bar. "What's going on?"

I hear his voice before I see him. _No. Not now. Not this._ My blood turns to ice, as pure hatred churns through my body.

"Ah, my little Fenris. Predictable as always." Danarius mocks me in his usual macabre manner. He delicately picks his way down the stairs, followed by three body guards in full armor.

My eyes widen in horror before my face settles into a snarl.

Varania looks at me, backing away. "I'm sorry it came to this. Leto."

I close the distance between us in two strides, getting right in her face. "YOU LED HIM HERE!" _I can't go back there! I can't! I won't!_ My hands begin to shake.

"Now, now, Fenris. Don't blame your sister. She did what any good imperial citizen should." The vile maleficar chuckles as he says this, savoring every moment of my misery.

I round on him, spitting on his shoes. "I never wanted these filthy marking Danarius! But I won't let you kill me to get them!"

At this he cackles. "Oh, how little you know, my pet." He drags his filthy eyes across Hawke. "And this is your new master then? The Champion of Kirkwall? Impressive."

"Would you shut the fuck up?! Fenris doesn't belong to anyone! And I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone speak to the man I love like that!" Hawke shouts back at him.

Her words help me find my anchor again, and I'm able to steady the tremors in my body. _She's right. I don't belong to anyone! There is no chance of me going back with him. He'd have to kill us all first._

"Do I detect a note of jealousy? It's not surprising. The lad is rather skilled, isn't he?" The magister asks smugly.

 _I don't have to listen to another word of this!_ "SHUT YOUR MOUTH, DANARIUS!" I scream, drawing my sword and igniting my markings.

He sighs with disappointment. "The word is 'master'."

 _DIE LIKE THE SCUM YOU ARE!_ I charge forward and ram him with my shoulder, knocking him backwards onto the staircase.

"Andraste's tits! That's Danarius?! Ew!" Isabela exclaims, frantically drawing her daggers. "Varric get in here!" She yells at the top of her lungs.

I draw my foot back to strike the immoral bastard in jaw, but I hesitate just a moment too long. The years of living in submission to him that were hidden away in the back of mind scream at me that I can't do it. My muscles tense up, demanding that I stop before I disobey an order and find myself with a worse hell to pay. _NO! That's not who I am anymore! He doesn't have that power over me!_ Before I can recover and follow through with the strike, I'm blasted backwards by Danarius' staff.

Jumping back to my feet, I snarl. "You will not rule another day of my life!"

The magister smirks, walking towards me from the stairs. "In fact, not. You will either bow your knee right now, or I will rip my investment from your flesh while you still live!" A crossbow bolt tears through his shoulder and his voice catches in his throat as he clutches the wound.

Seizing opportunity from the distraction, I close the distance between us and grab Danarius by the throat, lifting him off the ground. "YOU ARE NO LONGER MY MASTER!" I sink my clawed fingers into his neck and rip out his larynx.

Warm blood runs down my arm and covers the front of my tunic. I look down at the body on the ground, oblivious to the fighting still going on around me. I blink. Danarius' corpse has stopped twitching. I drop the mangled mass in my hand. Not daring to believe it, I wait for him to get up. He doesn't move. Blood pools around my feet, coating the soles. Still, I don't draw in a breath. I wait. Nothing changes. My shoulders begin to shake, and I'm forced to inhale. _Is… Is it… over?_ I become aware of another presence in the room. My eyes snap to Varania. _No. Not yet._

Baring my teeth, I stride over to where she cowers in the corner.

"I had no choice, Leto!" My sister cries.

I growl, "Stop calling me that!" _She did this. She betrayed me. This isn't over until she's dead!_

"He was going to take me as his apprentice. I would have been a magister!" She pleads.

My eyes widen as I'm filled with an even deeper disgust. "Is that supposed to make me spare your life?! The fact that you sold out your own brother to become the very monster that made our lives so wretched?!"

She narrows her eyes at me, straightening up. "You have no idea what we went through. What I've had to do since mother died. This was my only chance."

"And now you have no chance at all." I tell her, my voice full of ice. The markings in my arm ignite.

Varania cowers again, shielding her face. "Please… don't do this." She frantically looks around and then screams to Hawke, "Please! Tell him to stop!"

"Oh, Fenris…" I hear Hawke's sad voice as she walks up to stand beside me.

My eyes move to meet hers. _What will she do? Command me to stop? This bitch deserves what she's going to get… Perhaps Hawke doesn't want to be with a murderer, but it's already too late for that._

She frowns and shakes her head. "Fenris, I'm so sorry… I… I can't tell you not to kill her. I can't. But, look around. You're completely free now, what happens to her has nothing to do with that."

 _I'm… free. He really is dead…_ Slowly, I move my eyes back to my contemptable sister. "Get out of here." I growl.

"You—" Varania begins.

I cut her off with a snarl. "NOW! BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND!"

The young elf scrambles to her feet and dashes frantically out of the Hanged Man. I watch her go, a look of hatred on my face. "I would have given her everything she could have wanted…"

Hawke turns towards me, a tear running down her cheek. "All of this… I don't even know where to begin. All I know is, I'm sorry this happened like this."

I hang my head. "I thought discovering my past would bring a sense of belonging, but I was wrong. Magic has tainted that, too. There is nothing for me to reclaim. There is no family, no past Fenris, only what exists now. I am alone."

"I'm still here, Fenris." Hawke offers.

 _Yes, of course._ I look up a her and stroke her cheek with my mostly gore free hand. Then I frown and look away. _But to have been betrayed for the sake of Varania becoming a magister…_ "I feel unclean, like this magic is not only etched into my skin but has also stained my soul." I shake my head and walk past the carnage. "Let's go. I need to get out of here."


	57. Disconcerting Reality

**It's been a long road for Fenris, but he's slowly putting the pieces back together.**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 15th

Stepping out into the sun, I run my hands through my hair and force air in through my nose. _Did any of this really happen? Could it have just been a dream? I've played this day through in my head, over and over again… but never has it gone like this. I've seen it run it's course in a number of horrendous ways, but a betrayal from my own blood was not how I imagined it coming about. Certainly, I should be glad that this day has finally come to pass, but at the moment I am simply unsettled. Everything feels fake, surreal._

"Fenris." Hawke speaks softly beside me.

 _Yes… My beloved. The one thing that actually does feel rooted in the present._ I look at her lovingly. _She'll want to discuss this…_ I swallow down the anxious lump rising in my throat. _I don't have words to put forth on the subject right now. It happened and I… that's about all I know…_ "I appreciate your being here for me. However, I—I would like some time before speaking of what just transpired. The day perhaps."

She nods and gives my shoulder a little squeeze. "Take as much time as you need. You never have to anyway, but don't feel like you need to run around with us for a while. Oh, and Isabela and Varric are taking care of everything in there." She gestures towards the rundown tavern.

"I'm grateful for your understanding." I drop my gaze to the ground and let my feet carry me where they wish whilst my mind whirls.

 _Varania…_ I clench my fist. _Would I have regretted killing you? How easily you had signed my death warrant to further your own ambition. Now I suppose you get to live with what you did without the gain. After this, I could never pity you. It is, however, difficult to say which would have been a worse fate for you; death at your brother's hand or life from it. If I'm being honest, it is equally difficult to know whether I wish the greater pain upon you. I am no longer the same vindictive, eye-for-an-eye person that I once was; still, the wicked should face consequences for their actions. And you are certainly among the wicked._

I stare out across the water, my eyes refocusing on my surroundings. A ship pulls out from the dock, and I wonder briefly if she's stowed aboard it. _Regardless, I hope that I never lay eyes on her again. I've survived this long without her in my life. Clearly, I was better off for it. My time with Hawke has made me who I am. The rest is irrelevant. What shotty upbringing and life I might have once had with her means nothing. She means nothing. She's merely one of a million cut throat Tevinter mages who isn't worth occupying the time in my thoughts. Hawke, Aveline, Sebastian, Varric, and even Isabela and Merrill, are my family. They have proven themselves to me, and I gladly put myself on the line for them._ I sigh and shake my head bitterly. _Searching for Varania, I thought I could find something that had been taken from me. But I had it all this time. Yes, they're often idiots and assholes, but they care. And despite how much I told them, and myself, that I wouldn't, I care about them too._

My mind wanders back to that fateful day when I first met the quirky mage and her companions. I shake my head and sigh. _I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I fooled them into assisting me. I thought I had found the most intolerable group available for hire._ I chuckle. _I wasn't wrong. But I would be in such a dark place if they hadn't pestered their way into my life… It has been so many years… So long I've been with these people, all the while having this fear of capture looming over my head. It's all I've known. The only me they've seen is the hypervigilant, mistrustful man that I've had to be. It is curious to imagine what I'll become from here…_

It's unclear exactly how long I spend watching the water, but when I turn and make my way back into Lowtown, the sun does little to illuminate the sky. Despite the passage of the day, my mental state has done little to rectify itself. I still feel scattered and numb.

 _It was over so quickly… it almost felt anticlimactic._ I relive ripping Danarius' throat out just minutes after he reentered my life. _To think, just like that: it's over. If I had known it was possible for it to be that easy, I would have ended this years ago._ _Moving forward… for the first time, I'm no longer going to have to be constantly looking over my shoulder. There isn't going to be some sadistic figure holding my strings and waiting for opportunity to snatch me back to him. That which I have lived in fear of for my entire existence has suddenly ceased to be. How do I even express my relief? How will, or should, my life change as a result of this? I don't even know if that is a choice I get to make… Perhaps my reality will reshape itself without my consent. I've been powerless over so much, I would like to believe that this won't be the case. But, wants rarely add up to anything._

"Fenris!" Trills a familiar Dalish voice from behind me. "Oh, I didn't think I'd get to see you today!"

I cringe at the sudden jarring from my thoughts. _Here we go again… I swear, for a city this large how do I always manage to run into the only people I know? This is very illogical._

"Where are you headed? I'm not headed anywhere; I've just been wandering about and I happened to see you." She rambles, walking around to stand in front of me.

I frown. _How can I get out of this…_ "You haven't seen me."

Her brow furrows, and she pauses for a moment. "Huh? But you're right there in front of me. I'm pretty sure I am seeing you?"

"Nope. I wasn't here." I go around her and continue walking. _That should throw her off. It probably won't deter her, but it's worth a shot._

She hesitates but then starts following me at a small distance. "Fenris?"

I say nothing.

"Are you ignoring me? Because that's not very nice. Have I done something to offend you?" She hurries after me as I begin climbing the stairs leading out of Lowtown.

"No. You haven't seen me, so I can't be ignoring you." I don't look at her, but I can tell she has stopped in her tacks. I feel her eyes on my back as I make it to the top of the steps and turn the corner. After giving it minute for her to chase me down, I chuckle. "I can't believe that actually worked."

I cross through Hightown without incident and make my way into the dilapidated mansion. I kick the door closed behind me and contemplate grabbing a bottle of wine from the kitchen. I push the notion away. _No. I want to be completely coherent for this. That man was the main reason I had to drink. With him gone, I want to fully feel the freedom I have._ Popping my neck, I enter the bedroom and move to the window to look out over the street. _Well, where is it? Why don't I feel any different? I shouldn't still have this edge of apprehension lingering in my gut…_ I breathe in deeply through my nose and let it out. _Danarius is dead. He's dead. You're safe now; there's no one after you._

My hand shakes slightly as I bring it up to rest on the window pane. _I awaited nothing but this for all these years and yet… This hasn't fixed me. I have the satisfaction of removing that scum from the world, but I'm still… damaged. The anguish that so frequently plagues my psyche is still here._

Closing my eyes, I press my forehead against the glass. _These scars remain… And now the hope of reconnecting with my blood has been crushed. In the end, he got to snatch one final thing from me. How fitting._

I punch the wall and spit bitterly onto the floor. _Nothing, I suppose, is cut and dry. Although if it was, would we really want it? If killing your wrongdoer solved your issues, we'd have a lot more murder and a lot less trying._ I pause, attempting to steady my hand. _I've survived this long because of my own strength. And I'll survive the rest the same way. Venhedis. Nothing about that man will contribute to my well-being, not even his death. I put my own pieces together. That's how it should be._


	58. Affable Reciprocity

**Hey guys! I want to thank you all again for following this story for so long! You are greatly appreciated! I have not given up on writing this, I will continue it to the end; please don't lose faith in me. I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to post again, college is kicking my butt. Still, I am here, I love these characters, and I'm not going to leave you hanging. Also if you're interested, I have some DA2 Christmas pictures up on my Instagram now scosplaychameleon**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

(5) Bloomingtide 29th

I have been taking things slow these last couple weeks. When I've gone out it has been alone and never to do anything of much consequence. Taking this time for myself has been of great benefit. I've hardly had to see anyone other than Hawke; she visits me at night and usually sleeps over, despite her distaste for how disgusting my mansion still is.

Today however, a certain pirate has coerced me into heading out to the wounded coast with her.

"Isabela, do you have purpose out here?" I ask as we meander along a long trail overlooking the water.

She looks thoughtful for a moment before responding. "Mmm… Is it not enough to just want to spend time with a friend?"

I give her a skeptical look.

"Oh, come off it. We're friends, and you know it." She rolls her eyes dramatically. "You've been cooped up inside the walls of Kirkwall for too long. I know you, you'll think yourself to death if you stay like that. You need to walk, breathe different air, vent to someone, fuck someone!" She snickers. "Well hopefully you've been doing that last one already. But you know what I mean."

Letting out a slow breath I nod. _She is right… I do overthink when I'm alone. This was probably a good idea. I've been in the company of myself for long enough this month._

"I wish I could take you out on the water." She leans forward, gazing longingly across the expanse of gray waves. "There's no feeling like that. It would wake you up and make you a new man." She shakes her head as if snapping out of a memory. "But hey, a nice walk will work in a pinch."

I snort. "Ah yes, a nice walk in a desolate landscape overrun by bandits."

"As if you wouldn't be glad to have a few heads to bust if someone tried something." Isabela counters. "Besides, if you're bored, do something about it. That's not my fault."

 _It was my intention to stop being so inhibited. I need to not continue to live in old habits._ Halting my pace, I turn to face her. "Alright, you have a point. I'm being an asshole again. What would be something we could do?"

Isabela's eyebrows rise, and she grins. "There we go! I don't know, we could strip all our clothes off and jump off this cliff."

I scrunch up my nose and look over the edge. _It's not too bad of a fall… We would survive, but it would be freezing._ "There is no way I'm doing that."

"Damn, well it was worth a shot." She fakes a pout.

Pulling my gauntlets off, I drop them to the ground and push them behind a bush with my foot. After a moment, I add my chest plate to the hiding place.

"Then what are you going to do?" Isabela asks, confused.

I give her a serious look. "Oh, I'm jumping off the cliff. I'm just not doing it naked, much to your disappointment I'm sure."

Her jaw hangs open slightly. "You've got to be shitting me. You actually want to do that?"

With a shrug, I walk back to the edge. "No, not initially. But when I've stayed in my comfort zone in the past it hasn't exactly been beneficial to me. It's just been… comfortable." My markings blaze to life as I tense my muscles for impact and step off the ledge. The air feels wonderful as it flows across my face before I plunge into the ice-cold water. When I hit, I swim down deeper and further from the land, forcing my muscles to work hard and warm up. I break the surface with a grin, heart racing. Every cell in my body feels awake as I suck in a deep breath, reveling in being alive. _Perhaps not everything has to be important to matter. It's nice to just enjoy something menial like this, for once._

"How's the water?" Calls down Isabela, already stripping.

I yell back, "Perfect, very warm! You wouldn't believe."

"Damn right I wouldn't. You're terrible at lying about stupid stuff." She replies with a laugh. "Okay, watch out below!"

The now naked pirate leaps of the cliff and lands with shriek in the water. She pops up a few feet away, goosebumps covering her arms and shoulders. "Ah, fuck! It's freezing!"

"What did you expect?" I chuckle. "This was your idea."

She shivers violently and splashes me, not moving towards the shore. "I know, and as happens on most occasions, I am suffering the consequences of my actions."

I splash her back. "I suppose that's how it goes when you make a habit of making impulsive decisions."

"Hah." She scoffs. "Don't give me that, you make impulsive decisions all the time. They just aren't usually about sex, drugs, and risk-taking like mine are."

Continuing to tread water, I reply, "Hmm… my snap decisions have mostly been a result of failure to reign in my anger."

"So? You still make poor decisions. We all do - stop acting like you're superior in some way." Isabela rolls her eyes; her tone is light but it's clear she means what she says.

 _I hadn't really considered that before… I suppose to do tend to think of myself as superior to most people… And I am. I am superior to the majority of the scum that make up this world. But Isabela does not fall into that category._ "I… you're right. Although we are starkly different, we have similarities in places where it matters."

"Sure, however you need to look at it. I'm not getting philosophical. I just don't want to be looked down on." She pauses, staring at me.

Suddenly self-conscious, I cross my arms, treading water with my legs. "What?"

"That's so cool!" Isabela's face brightens with excitement. "Your tattoos light up the water! You're like one of those weird fish!"

I look around and see what she means. The water around me is illuminated blue in a large radius. "Huh. I don't usually pay attention to it. I'm accustomed to emitting light. It might be brighter due to my muscles trying to stay warm."

"It's awesome is what it is." The busty woman swims around me, checking out the light. "We have to come swimming at night sometime now that we know about this!"

Skeptical, I pause. "Maybe, but only if you wear something next time. It's not appropriate for you to just be naked around me all the time."

"When have I ever been appropriate?"

I frown at her.

"Okay, okay, fine. I'll keep my tits covered if we can continue to hang out." She smirks. "Race you to the shore?"

Before I can nod, she shoves me under the water and takes off swimming.

"Hey!" I come up spluttering and chase after her, arriving at the shore much later. "Cheater."

She winks, climbing up on a rock and beginning to wring the water out of her hair. "I'm a rogue, what can I say."

She looks just like a siren, perched on the rocks to lure sailors to their death with her beauty. I avert my eyes and walk past her. "Stay here. I'll get our things." _I am not walking up half this trail with her stark naked._

"Such a gentleman." I can almost feel her eyes traveling down my body as the water forces the fabric to cling to my skin.

"Stop staring. You're a terrible friend, Hawke would be so ashamed." I tell her, not looking back.

Isabela tuts. "I am not. If she were here, she'd just gloat. _And_ I'd be checking her out too: I don't discriminate."

I ignore her and make my way back up the path, retrieving our belongings and returning with them.

Once she's managed to squirm her way back into her clothes and corset and I have wrung out as much water from my tunic as possible wile still wearing it, we begin our trek back to Kirkwall.

"Aren't you freezing? My clothes are just damp, and the wind is blowing right through me. You're basically splashing with every step." Isabela snorts.

I raise an eyebrow at her. "Perhaps I am. Nothing to be done about it either way. If you wish to make it up to me, you can pay Varric back for what I will inevitably owe him the next time we play Wicked Grace."

"So, you will be coming back to the Hanged Man then? We were starting to think we'd have to get used to your absence. Not that it hasn't been warranted—but still." The pirate absently kicks a rock out of her path.

After a moment of thought, I reply, "As much as I've needed the distance, and never thought I would say this, I have… missed it, I suppose." _No since in keeping that to myself. She'll probably appreciate it…_

Isabela's eyes widen considerably. "Damn! Now if only we could get this much character development from Anders."

"The only development I want to see from Anders is his death." I grumble.

She shrugs in return. "I dunno, that seems like a waste of an awfully talented lover. But I'll admit he's rubbish at most everything else."

I make a disgusted noise. _Gross._

"As much as it goes against my nature to shut up about something that makes someone else uncomfortable, I won't elaborate, because I feel like we have a good thing going right now." She winks at me.

"I appreciate your sacrifice." I roll my eyes.

She gives a mock bow. "I do what I can."

When we eventually reach Lowtown, I nod to her and we branch off our separate ways. _I'll be glad to get out of these wet clothes… This has been an interesting day, to say the least. But it was something different… and I didn't_ hate _it. So, I suppose that's a good thing. Progress, I'd say._


End file.
